cornucopia

it's hip.
it's in.
it's the new lingo.

Cornucopia.

I was at a Blockbuster store the other night renting a movie with my friend. The young gentleman behind the counter had a pleasant demeanor, but was borderline over-the-top. With a cheesy smile, he assured us we had picked a winner of a movie, and would be thoroughly satisfied. Not only were we taking home a great theatrical treat, but along with our movie, we would be receiving a cornucopia of coupons. Yes, this is actually what he said. Cornucopia of coupons. I even questioned him to make sure I heard him right, and he assured me he had used the term correctly. I could have cared less about whether he had actually used it correctly. It was the fact that he had used it at all.

So like I said. It's hip. It's in. It's the new lingo.
Use it as often as you can.
I tried to get the word "slick" to catch on,
and I tried to get "towncat" to be the new hip phrase.
Both failed miserably.
But I have faith.
Cornucopia will prevail.
It's gonna be hot.

Just remember, you heard it here first.

project

Quick post once again about the music playlist project...

I've gotten a pretty good list started, but could still use more suggestions. In case you missed the original post, here's the plan: I am making a "Blog" playlist. I'm taking a suggestion from anyone who wants to contribute one, and creating a playlist with those songs. Here again are the rules:

1.) Keep the vulgarity to a minimum if possible.
2.) It has to be accessible through iTunes.
I don't download "free" MP3s, and I don't have the money to buy a full album for one song.
3.) You must attach your name to the post with the song
4.) Please choose just ONE song!

Thanks to those of you who already contributed (and especially to those who were disciplined enough to only pick one song). The list is pretty unique, and should be pretty interesting.

But the list needs more song! So suggest away, my friends!

velvet elvis

I recently just read a book entitled "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell. Now, Rob Bell has this tendency to shake up, and reshape my thinking... and I love it.

Faith: Brick wall, or trampoline? If you pull one brick out of the wall, will the rest of it tumble? Or a spring that when pulled, has some stretching room? A wall that is dependent upon each brick, or a spring that is merely supportive?

Heaven: A place we will eventually arrive at? Or a place we were designed to bring to earth. "On earth as it is in heaven..." If we have the cabability to bring heaven to earth, we must also then have the ability to bring hell to earth... Hell on earth... Sound familiar? What if we tried making it more like heaven?

Evangelism: We always talk about how we need to take Jesus to another country. China. India. Iraq. South Africa. England. France. Russia. Why? Is he missing in those countries? Or is more about journeying together, and recognizing his already existent presence everywhere?

These are some of the ideas that are present in Velvet Elvis. Keep in mind, I'm just skimming the surface. One of the greatest things about this book are all the questions. Yes, questions. And unanswered ones at that. Rob Bell talks about how so often, we're afraid to ask questions. We're afraid to let God in on what our hearts really want to know, what we really want to ask. In this book, he challenges us to ask those questions - no matter what.

I've written a review for Relevant magazine that can be found at this address: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/article.php?sid=7000 Or you can click on the title of this post. It has some quotes from the book, and where you can get more info on it. I highly recommend checking it out...

Not everything in the book sits well with me. It's not supposed to. They're someone elses questions, not mine. But I have found myself with a lot of the same questions on my tongue... Glad to know I'm not alone.

And on a side note... No I do not work for Rob Bell, I'm not related to Rob Bell, I don't even know Rob Bell, nor do I worship him. I appreciate his gift of communication the way someone might appreciate a painter, a musician, a writer, a movie maker... when someone communicates something that resonates deep within my being, I'm appreciative.

And I like to share.

new idea

As I was publishing my last post, an idea occured to me. Now, I don't know that I can afford this idea... Granted, I really don't have THAT many people who visit this blog, but who knows - if people get really into it, I could be in trouble. But I want to try it anyway.

I'm going to make a Blog Mix I think. So here's the plan... Post one of your favorite songs or just a song you'd like to share with me because you think I might like it, or you just really really love it. Here's a couple rules though:

1.) Keep the vulgarity to a minimum if possible.
2.) It has to be accessible through iTunes.
I don't download "free" MP3s, and I don't have the money to buy a full album for one song.
3.) You must attach your name to the post with the song
4.) Please choose just ONE song!

Then, after a while I will collect all the songs and compile a new list. It'll be cool, I think - really random! But it'll be a collection of a bunch of different tastes and styles across the board. Like, I might get some metal or hard core music from a Canadian Bomber-lovin' boy, some killer beats from an Illinois graphic designer, a hip hop suggestion from a Cub-lovin' Eminem fan, something mellow and meaningful from a Family Feud contestant, or something I hadn't even thought of from a Texan translator! We'll see...

Be creative! Think of a cool song to add to the Blog Mix.
Let the fun begin.

uscs mix

So, work is getting a bit tough to trudge through... Don't get me wrong, I am entirely grateful for the fact that I have a well paying job, that they are willing to work around my school schedule, and I'm not even working 40 hours a week this summer. I'm even MORE grateful that in a mere 3 weeks, I have vacation and once that is over with, I will be back to a school schedule. Rock on for that.

However, I still have three weeks to make it through at work, and I thought to myself that maybe a new playlist would help. I've made it through all of my current playlists way too many times. Therefore, it was high time I put together a new playlist with some newly acquired music.

And I share that list with you:

Bad Reputation - Senses Fail (Joan Jett version n/a on iTunes - sadness)
Everything is Alright - Motion City Soundtrack
Cross My Heart - The Rocket Summer
Sound of Settling - Death Cab for Cutie
Crazy Mary - FM Static
Sidewalks - Story of the Year
Permanent - Acceptance
Square One - Coldplay
Chicago - Sufjan Stevens
All These Things That I've Done - The Killers
Progress - Mute Math
The City Lights - The Umbrellas
Constellations - Jack Johnson
If There Is I Haven't Found It Yet - Reindeer Section
Bad Day - Daniel Powter
Wires - Athlete
Day By Day - Five For Fighting (dug this CD out of the "old tunes" pile)
Today Was A Good Day - Jason Hartwell
When The Stars Go Blue - Tyler Hilton & Bethany Joy Lenz
Son's Gonna Rise - Citizen Cope & Santana
Blackbird - Eros

So far, I dig this mix... We'll see how it goes though. Hoping it'll get me through the next three week. Then, three weeks, I'm headed to Boston (God-willing) for a roadtrip. I'm headed out there with my good friend Sarah and hopefully we'll create a good mix. It's always more fun to create a playlist with someone else - especially when memories are attached. So that should rock... Then, I'll have to create some new school mixes. There's a lot of good albums coming out soon, so hopefully I'll have new tunes. Word on the street is, Death Cab for Cutie has a new album August 30th, David Crowder towards the end of September, Sneaker Pimps are sometime soon, Postal Service is rumored to have something coming out in the near future... And has anyone heard about the new Jimmy Eat World? I heard something a while back, but no idea if that's any time soon...

Alright, that's all for now. More good tunes to come.

baby city

Ok, so the top picture is a picture of Angelo Novelli. He was born three weeks ago. The second picture is Carter & Enzo Novelli - twin brothers that were just born on Thursday. Jack Sundstedt is due any day now.

My friend Cindy released her first CD this evening, and held a concert to kick off the release. While I was there, it was baby city. Not only did quite a few people (most of whom I didn't know) have babies, a lot of people were expecting as well. And then the Novelli family is blessed with 3 babies, and other babies are on the way: Sundstedt Baby (come on Jack!) and my friends Vicky and Laurie are pregnant too - Baby Brown and Baby James... Babies all over the place! So great though... I love 'em. I have to say that seeing so many families, and spending time with my friend's kids makes me long so badly to be a wife and mom. I have no idea if this is the plan God has in store for me, but I sure hope so. I look at these new little lives, and I hear my friends talk about their love for their kids and the miracle of watching them be born, and it makes me hope and pray that I get to experience even one ounce of the joy they are experiencing. Who knows... Maybe I'll only be blessed with getting to be an aunt at some point in the future.

Whatever the case, I'm enjoying baby city! They're so cute, and so much fun to have around! YAY for Angelo, Enzo, and Carter who are already here, and for Jack, Baby Brown, and Baby James who are on the way!

community

Warning: Large amounts of unprocessed thoughts to ensue

This week I was able to be a part of an amazing community. I worked at a youth conference down in Wheaton, IL with some of the coolest people in the world. But as I began to think about the week, I realized how much healthy community was lacking in my life, and I began to realize just how vital community is to one's spiritual journey.

For the past 9 months, I have not been attending the church I was a part of for the past 5 years. Until this past week, I hadn't taken communion in almost a year. And I have never felt the effects of my situation more than I have this week. I was brought to tears a couple times throughout the week about just how far away God feels. I was talking with a friend of mine, telling him that I'm not angry with God, I still desire to learn about Him, and I hate feeling the way I do, but I can't help it. God feels so far away, and I believe a good part of it is because I do not have a community that I belong to.

I have a small group made up of 7 other individuals. Each of them have been burned by the same thing I have, so we're not the most encouraging to one another. It's a little tough when everyone in the group goes through the same thing - there's no outside perspective, no outside energy to lift each other up. So while I have that "community" it's not the healthiest situation. We don't challenge each other the way we ought. We don't encourage each other the way we ought. And we definitely don't teach each other the way we ought. I'm not even sure we love each other the way that we ought.

This feels a bit like just a bunch of ramblings. And I suppose that's what this is... however, I've just been thinking a lot about how vital community is, and how drastically one's heart can change if not plugged into a healthy one. I know that in time, I will find another community. I know that this feeling of distance between God and I will eventually become less and less of a gap. But for now, it's definitely uncomfortable. It makes me uneasy, unsettled, and frustrated. These feelings of a sub-par relationship with God (which I know will never be perfect, but I know can be better than what it is) weighs heavily on my brain, and I pray that change is around the corner.

Thanks for listening to my thoughts, fears and frustrations.
Sometimes they're written out of intense emotion, but at the same time, it's how I feel, you know?

More ponderings to follow...

m.i.a.

It's been a bit since I last posted, and may indeed be a while until I post again. I am about an hour away from leaving to go down to Wheaton, IL to work my 4th summer at SEMP (Students Equipped to Minister to Peers - it's a youth conference). Both excitement and nerves have hit my stomach, and my stomach is unsure how to digest them. Lots of changes this year... Both of my sidekicks are gone (I will most definitely miss my music buddy and everything that I learn from Aaron, and I will for sure miss my roomie with whom I have late night talks and laughs with)...Another friend will be missing this year - Jarred - and OH how I will miss his laughs (so unbelievably contageous!). Also, a little rearranging of leadership - I will be working under my brother for the first time ever. We haven't around each other this long (a week) since I was probably 12. Also, our shepherd for the week - Mark - is waiting on pins and needles for his wife who is due with twins any day. And there are a whole mess of new comers to the game this year. So lots of changes... But I'm anticipating great things. Great challenges, but great rewards as well. I'll try to post if I can...

But I just thought I'd give you all a heads up as to where I was so you didn't think I was MIA.
Thanks for taking the time to read my blog, and listen to my inconsistent ramblings.

Rock on, my friends.

an awakening

The G8 summit has been on my mind quite a bit lately. I wrote an article at Relevant called "An Awakening" where I discuss some of these thoughts... You can read it at the link below, or click on the title of this post. People have the ability to post their thoughts on the article as well as the issue at hand, so if you want to check out what other people are thinking, you can pop over there...

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/article.php?sid=6782

This morning I thought a lot about Tony Blair and London, but the day slowly distracted me until I forgot about it. It wasn't until I got home tonight, and was like, "Oh my gosh... How horrible of me to have forgotten..." I'm still amidst processing it all, and will post more about it when it's not 2am in the morning.

So much going on in the world, it can be a bit overwhelming at times.

happy fourth

Fourth of July. Came quickly this year. I have to say, this is my favorite non-religious holiday. Granted, there aren't a TON of non-religious holidays, but this one is by far my favorite. You can have St. Patricks Day (and I'm even incredibly Irish), you can have Valentines Day, you can have Thanksgiving (that sounds terrible, doesn't it?), you can have pretty much any other holiday, but The Fourth of July is mine.

I'm a fireworks junkie. Oddly enough, I didn't make it to any fireworks displays this year. I was able to watch them from a field, watching four different counties all in the horizon. Our next door neighbors were setting them off. But I didn't actually make it to an official fireworks display. While I could have carried on with my own tradition (I have a secret spot where I watch them from my car), I just didn't have the "umph" to go. But I would still consider myself a fireworks junkie. I have no idea why I'm so utterly fascinated with colorful flames in the sky... It's like waves - I'm completely fascinated by water tumbling over itself. There's something just so magical about fireworks. I love them. If I ever have the ability to be proposed to, I think it would ROCK to be proposed to under fireworks...Just a total side thought there. I remember I went to a friend's wedding, and as we were leaving the reception, and bursting before us were huge fireworks. Amazing.

I hope that everyone had a happy forth, filled with fun and fireworks.

war of the worlds

What can I say... After all these years, Stevie still has the magic. This movie exceeded my expectations (I tried to keep them low because of all the buzz about it, and it being a "summer blockbuster"), shocked me in multiple ways, and renewed my hope in movie magic. I know, I know, that's putting a lot of weight on this movie. But I think it's worth it.

I don't want to give away any spoilers, therefore I won't write anything about it. Please, if you choose to comment, be respectful of others who may be reading it who have yet to see it.

But I'll leave you with this though.
This movie is a must.
Go see it.

indianwood man

have you ever had those moments where something keeps reoccurring in the oddest of times and places? Where something you had completely forgotten about resurfaces, and by the time you've nearly forgotten it again, you find yourself there once again, in some sort of cyclical game?

there is this man... we will call him indianwood man, for that is the street he used to live on. when I was younger, he intrigued me a great deal. with long brown hair, a gentle demeanor and an artsy way about him, I would slow my pace as I passed his house where he would be remodeling his old school yellow convertible volkswagon bug. he seemed to be out there all the time, working on that car, which was a beauty. in high school, I went with a friend to a family gathering where, with no idea of their friendship, they met up with indianwood man's family. it was there I talked with indianwood man and his family for the first time. our meeting seemed to me to be very random. he worked at the local grocery store, and I would often run into him in one of the isles. but after a while, he quit and I no longer saw him. it had been about two years since I saw indianwood man...until a couple weeks ago. I was sitting at a stoplight when indianwood man was crossing the intersection... he glanced over and offered a friendly wave. again, it just felt so random. And so tonight, I saw indianwood man once again at a local church gathering. I didn't know indianwood man was a God follower. very random... but very, very cool.

I love those moments... where it feels very much like a story with reoccuring characters who aren't the focus of story, but add depth and beauty to its tale.

taste transformation

Hey all...

I was reminiscing with a friend of mine tonight about the music we listened to when we were little. For the most part, I grew up fairly conservative, so my musical knowledge didn't really come to bloom until mid-high school. My dad had been really big into the Beatles, so I was pretty familiar with their music. My brother had the soundtrack to "Top Gun" and "Rocky" on record that I can remember listening to quite a bit. But that was it... not much of an introduction to music.

When I was a younging (we're talking, like 8 or so) I remember my friends being really into George Michael. Why, I'm not entirely sure. But "Faith" was huge on the radio. At least I never feel into the New Kids On the Block Trap (but I did however, like Hanson... and still listen to some of their music!) I also remember my best friend across the street owning the album "Check Your Head" by Beastie Boys. "Pass the Mic" was the first Beastie Boys song I ever heard. I also remember being a big fan of DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince. Hahaha... I knew all the words to "Nightmare On My Street"... I still know most of them.

As I grew older, I of course listened to a lot of Christian music. Lots of Michael W. Smith, Whiteheart, PFR, DC Talk, David Meece, with a little Petra thrown in there every now and then. When I was introduced again to secular music (basically, my parents began to let me listen to the radio more) I was introduced to top 40 music, and for a while, that was all I knew. I can remember loving the songs "Rain" by Madonna, "Will You Be There" by Michael Jackson, "Where You Get Love" by Matthew Sweet, and "Baby I Love Your Way" by Big Mountain (and lots of other stuff off the Reality Bites soundtrack). Makes me laugh to think about how much I loved these songs.

*Really Sad Tid-bit of Info: The first two CDs I ever bought were "Smells Like Nirvana" by Weird Al, and the the Joey Lawrence Album (you know, Joey from Blossom - WHOA!) How sad is that?

Eighth grade, I was pretty much all about Counting Crows. That craze stuck with me a LONG time. I'm still a fan.

When I was a freshman in high school was when my music taste began to shift into the alternative scene. Grunge was pretty big at the time, and moving into full fledged, early nineties alternative. I became a huge fan of bands like Weezer, Bush, Smashing Pumpkins (my friend with whom I was reminiscing was pretty quick to hop on the Pumpkins wagon - he had their CD as a fourth grader), Cranberries (I don't know, were they really alternative?), Gin Blossoms, Radiohead, Nirvana, various songs by Flaming Lips, and Buffalo Tom (thanks to My-So-Called-Life)... There were of course other bands that were NOT a part of the alternative scene that I go into such as Toad the Wet Sprocket (who I fell in love with), Dogs Eye View, and STILL listening to Michael Jackson on occasion.

During my sophomore year, U2 made its way into my music collection. As a kid, my brother used to listen to them all the time. Simply due to the fact that he was my brother and liked them, meant I therefore had to hate them. Unfortunately, I missed out on a lot of years I COULD have been listening to U2. But I finally got around to it. Other bands that joined my music collection were Third Eye Blind (a huge favorite amongst my high school friends), Collective Soul, Creed (come on, you know you liked their first album!), Guster, and Duncan Sheik.

It wasn't until maybe 3 years ago that I really started to get into music. I started searching bands I didn't know, trying to find music I found on my own. I feel as though I have come to know a LOT more about music, but have a long way to go. But as I look back to the days of Petra and Whiteheart, and look at what I'm listening to now, it's so cool to see the transformation of musical taste.

If you've stuck with my story of music transformation this long, rock on. It was a long one.

How about you? Anybody got any weird musical transformation stories?

old writing

Tonight was an interesting night. I began a new writing project, and decided to break out some old writing. My English classes all throughout high school were filled with great amounts of writing - stories, but journaling especially. I began to reread some of my journals tonight, and found myself laughing aloud. The things I thought about and wrote about... I began to wonder if 8 years from now, I would do the same thing looking back on this writing. The things I wrote were so funny (as well as the comments from my English teacher). Anyway, I also began to browse through the poems I wrote from age 15 to 21ish. Some of them were kind of interesting. A while ago, I had resurrected "The World Through His Window" - a poem I wrote when I was 15. I think that maybe every so often, I'll resurrect a new one. Some of them may be decent, some of them may be ridiculous. But for tonight, I'll share this one with you.

I wrote this one when I was 19. You'd think at age 19 my writing would be in decent shape, but I was still a fairly new writer. Therefore, I find this poem kind of funny. It's not terrible, but it's awkward (plus, you can tell I read a little Frost before I wrote it - the whole Road theme). But, for whatever reason, it kind of stuck with me as I was paging through some of my old poems. So here goes...

The Road
In an attempt to discover oneself,
It seems as though life finds them first.
There are two roads to which I can travel.
One, I've already run down.
Naive and foolish.
The one where I threw caution to the wind
I allowed myself to be seen
And for the inner me to be exposed
Only to be trampled on by the same as I -
Naive fools running down the same road
Just as fast.
I pulled myself up to try again,
Only to pursue failure over and over.
Day after day, I put my heart on the line
Day after day, choice after choice
Everything seemed wrong.
But day after day, I became stronger.
I made it down the road a little further
I have now come to the place
Where the road splits in two.
I can stay on this road,
Or follow the one well traveled.
A road where no one gets hurt
Each in their own line
Oblivious to those around them -
Emotionless... unhurt because of it.
I glance down that road
Then continue on my way.
Though hurt and weakened at times
I became stronger on this road.
I went through every emotion I thought possible
Yet there were more to come...
And others were with me.
I even met some pretty interesting naive fools.


Ok, be nice... Remember, I was only 19 and still kind of new to the writing world.
But I kind of like resurrecting these old poems... Makes me enjoy how I've grown over the years, and how I still have a very very long way to go before I'll feel like an accomplished writer. Maybe that day will never come. But I'm totally enjoying the process.

cannonball mix

Here's my newest playlist. It's probably the strangest one I've ever put together, but I love having new playlists and I'm excited about this one. It's got some great artists on it, and a few of my favorite songs. Some are old, some are new. But I thought I'd share it with you all so...

cannonball mix

Cannonball (Radio Remix) - Damien Rice
Swallowed By The Sea - Coldplay
2AM - Anna Nalik
Stars and Boulevards - Augustana
Bullet Proof... I Wish I Was - Radiohead
Hello Tomorrow (adidas version) - Karen O. & Squeak E. Clean
Light and Day (radio edit) - Polyphonic Spree
Before This Time - Ollabelle
Sunshine - Billy Miles
Lilac Wine (Album Leaf Remix) - The Verve
To Be Alone With You - Sufjan Stevens
Love Should - Moby
Sandalwood - Lisa Loeb
Mad World - Gary Jules & Michael Andrews
Snow Day - Matt Pond PA
Epiphany - Staind
Nightswimming - covered by Dashboard Confessional
Rainbow Connection - Sarah McLauchlan
Cannonball - Vienna Teng

G8 decision

Hey, if you get a chance. Take a look at this link. G8 has decided to cancel some major debts. This could create potentially huge possibilities for some very poor countries.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/europe/06/11/uk.g8.africa/index.html

(you can also click on the title above)

X&Y

No in-depth review here. Just pure lovin'.
Love this album.
But what's not to like about Coldplay?

Current fave song off the album: Fix You
This song is just beautiful, and sure to end up on some WB show, or the OC or something.
I love this album.

If you haven't picked up this album, I highly recommend it. Such great tunes.
Did I mention I love this album?

overwhelmed

Have you ever found yourself so overwhelmed by something you find yourself running from it? A thought, an idea, a situation so big and consuming, you were afraid it might swallow you whole? Something, that if you let Him, God might just place you directly in the center of? Have you ever been so taken by something, yet wanting to do nothing about it because of the emotional energy it would require?

I find myself in this spot. I do not want to talk about it in depth at this point in time, but I have found myself in recent days to be numbing my mind, filling it with meaningless ponderings so that I don't have to think about this one thing that if I stop even for a brief moment and consider it's greatness, I am unable to hold back tears. I find myself not wanting to face it, not wanting to admit it, not wanting to look it in the eye but rather run the other direction hiding my head in the sand like a fear stricken ostrich.

Sometimes I think this fear will get the best of me. Sometimes I think I will miss great opportunities because of it. Sometimes I think that if I were only stronger, if only I were able to push myself, I might be able to learn so much. There are some things I can push past, some things I can force myself to do despite my fear... Why is it, I cannot do this one thing.

I'm not sure how I will get there... but I know it's worth getting to.

stuck in a moment

"I'm just trying to find a decent melody, a song that I can sing in my own company"

Finding your path can be a difficult task. I'm still trying to find out what I'm good at, what I could see myself doing the rest of my life, and being content with the melody I'm singing in life. Sometimes I hit a wrong note, but like this line says, I'm just trying to find one that's decent... A song that does not need refining is not worth singing.

"You've got to get yourself together, you've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it"

Sometimes I get so hung up on one thing. If I can't seem to get past it, I analyze it into the ground until it makes sense. Instead of accepting it as an unknown and moving on, I seem to get stuck in that moment. This line is such a challenge... Getting myself together and getting out of that moment.

"Don't say that later will be better..."

I'm a great waiter. I always think there's something better around the bend. Life will be better when I get married. Life will be better when I move out. When I have kids. The perfect job. How sad that I'm missing the "better" that is now.

"You are such a fool to worry like you do..."

I'm not sure I need to elaborate on this one. I love how in the Bible God challenges us to not worry about what we will eat or what we will wear. I worry about things far more lame than that.

"And if the night runs over, and if the day won't last, and if your way should falter along this stoney pass... it's just a moment, this time will pass."

Isn't it good to know all these moments will pass. I never meant for this reflection through the U2 song to be depressing. It's actually kind of liberating for me. It's awesome to know that each of these moments - moments of sadness, of worry, of anger, or fear, of doubt, of everything ugly will someday pass... So great... I just recently re-discovered the exclusive Target album where there is an acoustic version of this great U2 song. I fell in love with this song because it's such an optimistic song for me. It's not dismissing struggles or periods of being "stuck" but it's saying, "Hey, it happens, but it won't last forever."

This may be the first of a few U2 song contemplations. Especially songs off How to Dismantle the Atomic Bomb. Such great thoughts are spoken on that album.

remembering

This week seems to be about remembering...

Sunday we said goodbye to our friend and youth pastor at my church. He had resigned, and we were having a farewell party for him. Lots and lots of pictures. Lots and lots of memories. And I saw a lot of people who I haven't seen in a long time... It was great.

On Tuesday, I attended a Brewers Game. Brewers vs. Colorado Rockies. Granted, I'm not a huge fan of either team, or even a fan of baseball really... However, I felt a bit nostalgic because the Colorado Rockies used to be my friend Nate's favorite baseball team in junior high. I've known Nate since I was three. Today, I attended his wedding. Surrounding him at the wedding were a whole slew of friends from my past - some of them I known since I was in diapers, some of them were my best friends. It was a great day for reminscing and remembering all the amazing times we had together. I feel truly honored and blessed to have had them all as a part of my life, and it was great remembering with them today.

Wednesday, I was driving a friend of mine down to Lake Geneva. Before we even had a chance to leave town, we were sitting at a stoplight and this younger guy was walking across the intersection. As he drew closer to my car, I informed my friend that I knew him. Him name is Eric, and he used to live down the street from me - two streets down, on Indianwood Lane. He used to have a bright yellow old school Volkwagon Beetle convertable that he'd work on. As he passsed by my car, he waved... I'm not entirely sure if the wave was due to the fact that we were staring at him or that he remembered me. Either way, it made my day.

Monday is Memorial Day - a day to remember soldiers that we've lost. Soldiers who have fought and served their country so that we can enjoy the freedoms we do today. On Monday, I have been been invited to a picnic at the Witmer household to remember Michelle, who died serving her country. It will be a tough day as Michelle is greatly missed... but I'm sure it will be a day to celebrate her beautiful life, and remember her for the way she lived it.

Lots and lots of memories. Lots and lots of nostalgia. Some of it really good and cathartic. Some of it really hard and sad. It's so crazy how God designed us with such emotions and abilities. I'm grateful for them though. It makes life all the richer.

the sun sets

The sun sets on another day in the life of Jack Bauer. Season four came to a close tonight with a great two hour season finale. Who knew how it would turn out? I won't write about it so as to not spoil it for those who haven't seen it.

Just one thing though...Any bets on a new name? And no Kelly, it will not be K.Do....

mad hot ballroom

I'm not sure how many of you are documentary fans, but I started watching them not that long ago, and have fastly become addicted. My list of documentaries seen is not that many, but I am more and more drawn to them as time goes on. I saw the preview for this documentary "Mad Hot Ballroom" before the movie "Millions", and thought it looked great. It's from the same director as "Spellbound" (another great documentary that follows, I believe, 8 different students as they prepare and compete in the national spelling bee). Check out the trailer if you get a chance and if you enjoy documentaries.

http://www.apple.com/trailers/paramount_classics/mad_hot_ballroom.html

ovaries for an ipod

I had an original post on this, but created a longer version of it.
Here is the new version.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/article.php?sid=6439
(or click on the link above)

feel good

I'm addicted. I am officially, completely, and utterly addicted to the iPod commericals (and now addicted to the Feel Good Inc. song by Gorillaz). Granted, when U2 launched their iPod commerical, I thought it was a beautiful thing. However, as more and more commericals come out, I became more and more addicted. There was the recent "Jerk It Out" by Caesars, then came "Feel Good Inc." by Gorillaz (such a great commerical with all the old school rollerskaters) and now, the new "Technologic" by Daft Punk - do they get any cooler? And a friend of mine suggested that crazy dancer David Elsewhere may be behind some of the slick moves, or else they stole some of his moves (seriously, who else can move like he can?). Whatever the case, the commercials just keep getting cooler and cooler. Not to mention, whoever they have on board for introducing new music is really smart... great taste that TOTALLY catches on everywhere.

Kudos to Apple and iPod commerical makers and all involved. Keep up the good work.
If you get a chance, check out the Rollerskating iPod commercial (which despite the amazing dancing in the Technologic commerical (the picture above), I still think the Rollerskating is my favorite - click on the title of this post).


Enjoy.

zap, magic fairy zap

Do you guys remember the "Super Mario Brothers Super Show"?
Who knows what made me think of it today, but I found this great screen cap (it's a little distorted) of the show, and I listened to the main theme song (I forgot how terrible it was) and remembered the greatest quote from the whole show that my friend Leah and I used to quote all the time when we were little:

"Zap, magic fairy zap!"

Who knows why... Then again, who knows why we did any of the things we did when we were little. But I remember watching this show... I remember playing Mario Bros until I got blisters on my fingers, especially Mario Bros 3.

Speaking of Mario Bros 3 - did anyone out there ever see "The Wizard"? Now there's a great movie! Hehehe...
I remember it was about this kid who was amazing at video games, and they went to this video game competition. For the final round they introduced a new game - Mario Bros 3.

Man, do I feel old.
Then again, I guess we could talk about Pong, and make ourselves feel even older.

anger

Anger is an odd thing, I'm learning. I'm learning there are different forms, different levels, and even different venues of expression. However, it's such a soul deteriorating, heart hardening thing. It literally has the capability of consuming an entire person, sucking the life right out of them. It burrows down into the deepest parts of one's soul, deep within one's bones and unleashes its wrath at the most inopportune moments. It makes me think of a bear... Now, track with me for a second here... A bear hibernates. Just lays there, silent, and waiting. It's even possible to be unaware of the bear. However, once stirred and awoken, look out! He's hungry, and on a definitely violent mission. I feel like I have such a creature within my soul... How does one even catch that sort of animal? How does one tame a wild beast that has been in such a deep slumber for so long? What does one do with that wild bear.

A bear made his way to the suburbs a few weeks ago. He followed the river, or the train tracks or something. A little cub, who had no idea where he was, or that he was even in the wrong place. He found a semi-truck to sleep under - that's where someone spotted him. And then, he made his way into a tree in Wauwatosa - about as "suburbanish" as you can get. Maybe he was tired of the woods. Maybe he wanted to see what surburbia was all about. No matter what the little bear's motive, the fact still remains: he was out of place. He did not belong there, and needed to removed from the city.

Does my little cub story have a point? I believe it ties in with my association with anger. Anger does not belong in ones soul. It's out of place. Whatever the reason, no matter how it got there, it doesn't belong there and needs to be removed.

The little Wauwatosa bear was shot with a tranquilizer gun, and removed from the city. What do you suppose works for anger? How does one tranquilize it and remove it? Now, I love animals, and would never have wished for the bear to be slain. However, I would give anything for this beast of mine to be slain. It does not need to be relocated, it does not need a proper place, it does not even need to be hidden - it needs to be demolished.

No tranquilizer gun. No zoo for rehabilitation. No forest up north.
Gone. Vanquished. Never to be seen again.
That's where it needs to be.
Let's hope that miracle happens, before it's hiberation time again.

eco session UPDATE

I got the Billy Bragg song, thanks to my rockin' professor who sent it to me.
Thanks you, Nik Heyen. My playlist is complete. :)

eco session

Who knew that as a student in Environmental Geography, I'd be given an idea for a new playlist.
Here is the list of tunes we listened to today, and my current playlist.

Eco Session

"Blowin' In The Wind" - Bob Dylan
"Man and His Environment" - Clarence "Gatemouth" Brown
"Mercy Mercy Me (The Ecology)" - Marvin Gaye
"Only So Much Oil In The Ground" - Tower of Power
"The Price of Oil" - Billy Bragg (I'm still attempting to locate this one)
"Dragonfly" - Ziggy Marley
"Gone" - Jack Johnson
"Excuse Me Mr." - Ben Harper
"Last Great American Whale" - Lou Reed

Definitely different than my usual taste, but I definitely dig. Makes for a fun school playlist.

the ONE campaign

Please check out The ONE campaign. You can visit the website below, or click on the title of this post to take you there. This is a campaign put together to bring an end to poverty. I am still in the early stages of learning and getting involved... I finally realized that action, no matter how small, is better than no action. I hope you're able to take a few seconds to visit this site. Watch the video, read a little bit of information, and if you feel so moved, sign the petition or buy a wristband or do both.
Thanks for listening.

www.one.org

millions

Check out the trailer for this movie (click on the title of the entry). It's such a great movie. I would recommend it to anyone. I'll write a lengthier review sometime soon, but for now, check out the trailer and GO SEE IT! It's so great.

seasons

I just wrote my first review for Relevant. It was a review of the self titled CD by a band called The Bravery. It's sort of a reinvention or ressurrection of new wave music. They sound a little like The Killers. Anyway, I started out the review, "To everything there is a season..." And I feel like that is so true right now. I feel like seasons are such a common thing, and I'm still trying to adjust to their existence.

Spring just arrived. We've only recently started to have warm breezes, cooling thunderstorms, and yes, ladybugs. It seems like ladybugs are a sure sign of warm weather. As spring has approached, drawing winter to an end, so have other things drawn to an end.

For those of you who don't know, I have decided to leave the church that I have attended just shy of 5 years. This was a difficult decision, and for those of you who would like to know why, feel free to email me or give me a call and we can talk about it. But I feel as though it is another season, like winter, that has come to an end. I was talking about with a friend of mine yesterday, and we were describing that it felt like we were graduating from high school, and all about to head in different directions. That's a pretty good description, because it's pretty close to how I feel. But while there is some pain behind this movement, there is also an excitement. While it's the end of one chapter, it's the beginning of another. I know, I know... Total cliche crap. But hey, it's true.

Another season I feel is changing is my transition from being a kid into adulthood. Granted, this probably should have happened a long time ago, but when I turned 25 last weekend, I really began to feel like, "Wow, I'm a full fledged adult." I had so many plans for where I would be when I was 25. When I was 18, I was sure I'd be married, have either a career or a kid, and be well on my way in life. Right now, I'm a college student who still lives at home, single, and no clue what she wants to do with the rest of her life. However, I feel all of that about to change. I don't know why. I don't know how I got this feeling, what I'm going to do with it, or where it will lead me, but I feel like "direction" is just around the corner, and I'm about to hit it head on. Let's hope that's the case.

So a few seasons are coming to a close and just about to start. It'll be interesting to see what season comes next.

anniversary

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of Michelle Wimter's death.
I think about that family quite often, and wonder how one processes such an event, and attempts to move on. I know that they have. I know they're a strong family. I know they have things to look forward to and celebrate in their family. But I also know it must still feel fresh for them too, and I know they're a tight family and so I'm sure they feel it every day.
I love them lots. I don't always show it to them, and let them know they mean a lot to me, but they do.
I will continue to think about them and pray for them as they enter their second year without Michelle.

culture envy

I never really fully fit into the world of art. That "artsy" side of me has always been there, and I'd like to consider myself creative, but I've never been able to say "I'm an artist." When I was at Judson, I can remember there being times where I strongly desired to be just like the art majors surrounding me. However, I just didn't find the appeal in Vampire Hunter D, or other such japanese animation, my interest in comic books was lacking, and I was quite positive I didn't dig Buffy. Art culture #1 I didn't belong to.

I have a friend who's a graffiti artist - or rather, was a graffiti artist. He's a skater, has the dread thing going on, and has who knows how many tatoos. He's one of my favorite people. But in my khaki's, button down shirt, and bobbed hair, I don't exactly fit into to the "skater" realm either. Granted, I made a valiant attempt to learn how to skateboard (and might I say, I wasn't THAT bad), but that's definitely a world that is not my own.

Then there's the political activist artists.
The top notch, sophisticated, corporate bound graphic designers.
The "I'm angry with the world" artists.
The people who have hands that are permanently clay-caked.
The reclusives.
The rebels.

If you step out of the world of physical visual art (fine art/graphic design) and consider the film and music realm, it's the same thing. If you don't know everything there is to know about film or music, don't even try to pretend like you do. They'll see right through you, and mention something so completely obscure that even the originator is hazey as to its existence.

I feel like I can grab from each of these categories, compiling some form of "mut" artist, who's skill is lacking but passion is there. I love art. I love to be creative. I have millions of ideas in my head with no satisfactory way of expressing them.
But I'm not an artist. I can't keep up in conversation with an artist. And I don't fit into their culture... at least, not entirely.
But I so desire to be a part it.
I guess you could say I have a bit of culture envy.

storms

Laying on my back in my shadowed room, I looked past my silhouetted feet which were propped in my half-opened window, to watch the storm emerge outside. Brief moments of illumination revealed my quiet and still neighborhood. There's something so comforting in the sounds of storms - the rain rattling on the roof, the slight buzzing of the dampened power lines, the low rumbling in the distance... All these sounds, which independently would not be as beautiful, slip through my window with great ease. I absolutely love storms. I could sit for hours and just soak it all in. I remember a few years ago, how I would play in the rain. My roommates and I - no inhibitions, no cares at all - would take off, full force and just run through the rain. I can honestly say, those nights were some of my favorites. Nothing mattered. It was as if the rain had some sort of magic, some sort of shield to anyone and anything that might interfer with our night of rain dancing. I miss those days. But for now, I'll simply enjoy the beginning of spring nights, which only promise more storms to come.

ben, nik, jon & james...

and the soundtrack of life. That was the FULL title of my blog, but it didn't all fit on the subject line.

Ben. He's my Film & Literature professor. His 5 year old daughter has spring break this week so he brought her to class. Mya. He kept smiling and winking at her. He introduced her to the class. He helped her get a drink from the water fountain, and walked hand in hand with her down the hall. If I thought he was cool before, this just solidified it for me.

Nik. He's my environmental geography professor. Even on the first day of class, he impressed me with his humor. I'm a sucker for humor. I love the fact that while he has a very definite stance on issues (he's a tree hugger, for sure), he presents both cases, and gives viable reasons for each side of the story. He never forces his beliefs on anyone, and likes to ask questions, leaving things unanswered... And every now and then, he'll point at some poor victim, say, "Yes... You!" in hopes they'll give him an answer, even though they weren't raising their hand. Hasn't worked yet.

Jon. What a nutty professor. He's always a bit discombobulated when he comes to class. Always has his iPod going - I wonder what he listens to? But he's kind of a crazy guy... He's my civil disobedience professor, and is SUPER creative in his assignments. We wrote an intellectual dialogues paper in which I wrote a conversation between MLK Jr., Gandhi, and Thoreau. We created "protest posters" and our final project is actually generating a protest campaign. Way to make things interesting, ProfK! He's cool.

James. They don't get any more interesting than James. He's gotta have a millions stories. I'm serious... This guy has probably seen so many things in his lifetime. Fitzgerald and Hemmingway is what he teaches, and he's in total awe of these writers. He's a writer himself - short fiction I think. But when was the last time you got to visit your local Harry W. Schwartz, listen to a guy who's in his early sixties, wearing a red flannel shirt and a pair of jeans, reading Jack Kerouac's "On The Road" while his buddy amazes everyone on the saxaphone? I like James... He's make a cool grandfather.

The soundtrack of life... I had a weird moment today. I was walking on campus with my iPod plugged into my ears. Now, I listen to music all the time, but this was different. As I walked around on campus, songs would come on and I felt as though I had a soundtrack. Have you ever had those moments that you thought, "This song would be perfect to be playing in that background." Well, that's what happened today, and I wasn't even trying! It was kind of creepy actually... I'd be walking around thinking about something and a song would come on that related. I was journaling at one point too, when another song came on that was perfectly fitting. CREEPY. But slick none the less...

Good profs. Good music.
These were the thoughts of the day.

relevant

Just thought I'd let you all know that I got a writing internship with Relevant Magazine. I'm pretty stoked about it. I start April 1st, so I can't really tell you how it's going yet. But it looks as though I'll be working on the "Progressive Culture" section, and doing a fair amount of editing, some writing, and interviewing (who, I'm not sure).
So that's pretty cool... I'm excited. You can check out the website at www.relevantmagazine.com. They will be launching a new website in a little less than two weeks, and will also have new merch available as of March 25. So check it out. I'll keep you posted as I learn more.

Later.

missed

I didn't know her. I don't have to know her, I guess. I've learned a lot from those who DID know her, and are now battling their sense of loss, missing her. They're expressing her kindness, her love for people, her love for God... I didn't know her. But do I need to know her? She was a sister in Christ, whether I knew her or not, and today I join the many others in mourning her loss: her family and friends, my brother and sister in law, the band who lead worship at a conference I was at, and one of my brother's closest friends - a best friend of this girl. I can't pretend that my mourning is the same. It's not. I have no idea the pain and hurt they are experiencing right now. But I mourn the loss of another young person who felt they had no other option. I mourn for her family, her fiancee, and her friends who now have to do life without her. I didn't know her, but I feel like I did. Everytime I walk past my friends who have a huge smiles on their faces, but have so much pain inside... Everytime I see a friend of mine, journaling their inner most thoughts... Everytime I ask the question, "Is life worth living?" I didn't know her... but I'm sure she will be missed. May God bless Laurie's friends and family. You will all be in my prayers.

leland

Do you ever have those moments, those times in life that meet you where you're at, and speak volumes to you without even expecting it, or knowing how to react towards it? That is kind fo what happened to me this evening. I just finished watching "The United States of Leland" and I can't even put into words how the movie made me feel. This movie is so sad - in an "American Beauty" sort of way, yet for whatever reason, I resonated with it so much. I wish I could describe it to you, but the words just won't come. If you have a tolerance for language, I would highly recommend watching it. However, if you're in a funk, it probably won't squelch that funk but rather encourage it. If you do end up watching it, let me know... I'd love someone else to process it with.

checkers

she peered down at the pieces before her. red. black. round.
they each had their place.
some had already been eliminated, having exited the game earlier.
they were jumped.
robbed of their opportunity to succeed.
but that's how the game's played, isn't it?
she continued to stare at the pieces.
some of them crowned.
those were the pieces that knew what they were doing.
going somewhere. becoming something.
kings.
others hid in the corners of the board
unsure of their next move, and unable to be jumped.
cowards.
she looked at the pieces in the middle of the board.
plenty of potential, and no protection.
they were out there, exposed
but at least they were playing the game
they were moving forward
there was a goal ahead of them
they were determined
fearless
everything had its place.
then, the board was flipped.
he took his right foot, raised it quickly,
and kicked the board.
bastard.
the pieces scattered.
some hit the floor
some rolled away, never to be found.
the pieces no longer had their place
those that had become kings lost their status
joining the rest of the low-lives on the floor
the game was over
pieces scattered
and a new game would have to begin
as soon as she picked up the pieces.

the shadowlands

I'm sitting here listening to a beautiful song by Ryan Adams. It's called "The Shadowlands". The first line is, "God please bring the rain, yeah bring it soon." Such a beautiful song. A friend of mine has totally been getting into music and asked me to give him a list of the things I had been listening to lately. I decided to do some song searching of my own, and here's what I found that I think is worth checking out...

The Shadowlands - Ryan Adams
Snow Day - Matt Pond PA
Even If I Feel Better - Phoenix
Dig the Lightning - Robbers on High Street
Eleanor - Low Millions
Why Is My Sleeping Bag A Ghetto Muppet - Chin Up Chin Up

The last one has the GREATEST name for a song. But it's kind of fun. These are the few songs that I found that I'm digging right now. You should check them out, for sure. So great.

I hope to write some of my thoughts on here in the next few days, but I've been trying to process a lot lately and it's all kind of muddled up in my head. I can't seem to think straight.

But for now, enjoy some new tunes.

in the middle

Ok. I realize that I often attribute what I'm feeling, and also express how I'm feeling through music. Dunno why... Music just, well, works... I wish I had more profound thoughts for you this evening. Maybe some more will come to me later on. But I was driving home tonight, when this song came on the radio. Now, I'm a huge Jimmy Eat World fan. Love em. However, the song "In The Middle" drove me nuts when it first came out - mostly because it was so overplayed. Well, I hadn't heard it in a really long time, and it came on the radio as I was driving home, and it was so cool because it was the best song for me to hear at that moment. You know, I never payed attention to the lyrics, but they're kinda cool... Well, at least tonight they were kinda cool... Encouraging to me anyway... So I thought I'd share a little bit of them with you all...

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.
It just takes some time,
Little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright alright.
Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now, yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.
It just takes some time,
Little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright alright.
It just takes some time,
Little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright (alright).
Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.
It just takes some time,
little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright alright.

block

You'd think that as an English major, writing papers would come naturally. Well, typically, for me that writing does come naturally! I can usually sit down at a computer and whip out a 3-4 page paper, no problem. Well, this semester has kicked me in the pants as far as papers are concerned. I don't know if it's total writer's block, not understanding the material enough, not being focused... Whatever the case is, I'm doggie paddling through these papers. No idea what I'm doing.

The one paper I'm currently working on is actually really interesting, and I wish I had more time to develop it and be more creative. I have to write an intellectual dialogue between Martin Luther King Jr, Gandhi, and H.D. Thoreau where we are discussing civil disobedience in some way shape or form. Like I said, the topic and type of paper really interests me, but I'm getting my butt kicked as far as how to go about doing this!

Anyway, this was my brief little public service announcement for the morning. Actually, I'm just really distracted and not focused, and hoping some sort of ephiphany as to what I should write will come. So, we'll see what becomes of my papers.

z.b.

In honor of this horrible, er, I mean, most wonderful day, I thought I would take the time to honor Zach Braff. Could there be a greater man to celebrate? I know, all my married friends are out there saying, "I could make an arguement for that..." Well, here is my "behold" for the day. Behold the greatness that is Zach Braff. Behold the man with amazing musical taste. Behold the man with the talent to not only act, but to write and direct. Behold the man who can make us laugh one minute, and cry the next. Behold the man that makes me melt! :)

I know, I'm giddy like a school girl. But hey, I've got nothing else to do on this wretched, I mean, great day.
Hehehe...

Ah, Zach Braff...

from the past

I had a bit of an odd occurence last night - but a good odd occurence. A friend and I decided to go check out this "young adult" type church that's on the east side of Milwaukee. We thought that a friend of ours was doing worship for it (found out he wasn't) and, well, we just thought it'd be pretty cool to check out. It was a church that was started because of a bunch of small groups. There were a lot of small groups that were meeting, and then, they just decided to start a church from that. Kind of cool.

Anyway, so my friend Jerica and I walk into the building, and needless to say, it was a little awkward. Now, I can be outgoing at times, and I can also be really shy. At that moment, I was super shy. So, Jerica and I just stood there talking. A few minutes later, this girl named Mel approached us, introduced herself, and started a conversation with us. We weren't a minute into the conversation when all of a sudden I heard "TORY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" I look to see who's shouting my name, only to see my roommate from Judson College who I haven't seen in about 3 or 4 years. CRAZINESS! Her name is Emily, and she was one of the first friends I made at Judson, and was also my roommate my sophomore year. Now, it's not all THAT odd because she is from the Racine area. However, it's just odd that of all the places to run into her, I would run into her there. So, we chatted a bit... As we did, I was like, "Hey, I went to high school with him... and with her." And then Emily was like, "Yeah, we found out about this place because of Chad." Now, oddly, I've known quite a few Chads in my time. I racked my brain through the Chads we would have both known... Finally found a match, and again, someone I had not seen in a couple years. He meandered in later in the night, and I was able to talk to him for a bit. He's always been one of the artsy folk, and I've known him to have long hair, but it's out of control now! hahaha... long and dreaded he is! It was really cool to see him though. What a blast from the past last night!

It's so crazy though because when I experience stuff like that, I can't seem to get it off the brain. For instance, I woke up this morning, and one of my first thoughts was "I can't believe I saw Emily and Chad last night!" It was so exciting and cool to see them. They are definitely people I wouldn't mind having back in my life. Just crazy though to have run into them. Weird how things like that happen.

possible, but not probable

Breaking News! Ok, so it's not really all that exciting... But, check it out one and all... Blogger has changed their methods to commenting. Now, you no longer have to post as Anonymous, or have an account with Blogger. Simply select "Post Comment" and where it asks you who you want to post as, select "Other" and it will allow you to type in your name, and if you have a website, you can list that as well. This makes the commenting world on Blogger so much easier!

So now my friends, commenting has become much more possible. More than likely though, not more probable...

randomness

my blog has no direction today. just a whole lot of randomness. bare with me. no caps today either.

i was reading through some of the other blogs i frequent on a semi-regular basis, and realized, they have a lot more comments than i do. this brought me to a few different thoughts:

a) very few, if any (other than my mom - bless her loyal soul) read my blog.
b) i don't post anything of any importance to anyone else (things only i find interesting)
c) people are vindictive and mean and don't want me to know that secretly they're reading my blog, taking ideas from it and making millions off of it while i sit here wallowing in school loans or
d) the commenting feature on this blog is too frustrating and it's easier to just read

i somehow think c is probably out, because honestly, my blog's not that fantastic. i would like to believe that b isn't the case because i have had conversations with those of you out there, and i know that some of my thoughts are your thoughts as well. maybe i go a little overboard on the music thing, but well, hey... what can i say. that leaves me with a or d. now, knowing that you have to either register or post annonymously, i'm thinking that's kind of annoying to most of you. so, i'm going with d. how's that for process of elimination?

i'm home sick today (will this darn cough never end?), hence the reason of my random thinking. somehow being sick and thinking random thoughts go hand in hand. maybe it's because when you're sick, you have all this time to think. eventually, you've thought about all the normal stuff so much, that you eventually have to start thinking about random things, or you'd be thinking about nothing at all. just a thought.

i have no clue what to do with my life. any suggestions?

side note for everyone to be aware of: i'm a terrible game player. i've always known this about myself, but there were four witnesses of my wrath this past sunday as i played a brutal game of uno. yes, uno. you know it's bad when you begin to swear at people in hebrew. all apologies to jen... i know she doesn't read this, but she gave me one too many "draw fours" and "draw twos" and seemed to keep laying down colors i didn't have... lets just say lots of yelling and name calling happened.

alright. that's enough randomness for the day. maybe i'll write a more pointed entry later.

O.C. confuses emotion

Ok, so I'm not a fan of the O.C. I don't really have anything against the show, per se, but I don't ever watch it. However, can I tell you about my confused emotion towards the show. On the one hand, I love the fact that they are taking up and coming artists, and giving them air time. There are some AMAZING artists that have been played on the show, and have shown up on the soundtracks (which by the way, their on #4 - due out in March I believe). So, while I'm happy that they're taking unknowns and making them known, I'm also sad because now I feel like any time I come upon an artist that I REALLY dig, they have been a part of the O.C. music line up, and for that, I feel dumb. I mean, who wants to say, "So, I really like the band Keane." and some high school student who is obsessed with the O.C. says, "Yeah, that song by them was played when so and so kissed so and so!" I mean, I just don't want to have that kind of association either. You know? Many of my current favorite artists appear have had air time on the O.C. including: The Album Leaf, Turin Brakes, Ben Kweller, Jem, Jimmy Eat World, Keane, The Dandy Warhols, Death Cab for Cutie, and more...

My current music pick would be Flunk's album "Morning Star", which I just learned will have a song appearing on the O.C. #4 mix. This is SUCH a great CD. I was wandering through the store "Anthropology" when this song came on that just stuck in my head. I loved it! The song, I later found out, was "Blind My Mind". Well, because things are slow getting to the midwest, I learned that song has already been pretty big elsewhere, but I felt like I had stumbled upon something no on was aware of yet. Anyway, I still dig the CD... Check it out if you get a chance. It kind of makes me think of Mazzy Star, but with some funkier beats. Very cool. My favorite track thus far I think is "Spring To Kingdom Come" - however, that is subject to change the more I listen to the album.

Anyway, I guess this was just kind of a "thanks" to the O.C. for giving unknowns a chance, but also a "HEY! STOP IT!' to them as well - let us find our artists on our own! :) Hehehe... Acutally, I'm kind of grateful because I've found a lot I really dig because of them (Album Leaf being the most recent one).

But check out Flunk. Good stuff my friends, good stuff.

dreams

Wow. My dreaming has been intense lately. I know that when I'm in a more tense/stressed state, that my dreams tend to get a little mroe vivid, a little more bizarre and somtimes a little messed up. However, I cannot remember a period in recent past where my dreams have bothered me as much as they have the past couple of nights. Usually when I dream, it incorporates weird people and scenarios. Lately though, my dreams have centered around my behavior towards others - behavior that is outside my normal character. For instance, a dream I had last night... I will leave names out in order to not upset anyone, but I had this dream last night that I was with one of my guy friends, and for whatever reason, we got into this massive fight. I mean, we were screaming and yelling at one another. Finally, after I had reached the end of my rope - no more things to throw against him - I just looked at him with an evil glare, and shouted "F--- you!" It happed in slow motion in my dream, and it was so weird - almost movie like. After I said that to him with such hatred and malice, he mauled me. He totally out and out hit me, and I hit him back which started this huge violent fight between the two of us. My dream ended with us just beating the tar out of each other. How terrible is that? Now, there are multiple things I could say contributed to this dream... The "F" word has been planted in my ear a TON over the past few months, especially due to my film class. I was also in the middle of reading this novel called "Morvern Callar" for one of my classes that is a pretty graphic novel. So that could be where the "violence" comes in... But my word! I have never had dreams like this... If I do have "bad" dreams, it's usually something terrible happening to someone I love - but I'm not the one doing the "something terrible". I don't know exactly where these dreams are coming from, but I'll definitely be happy when they go away...

Do you suppose there's such a thing as "dream therapy". I mean, other than hypnosis, is there a way of "fixing" our subconscious so that we dream better dreams? Maybe I should just lay off drinking OJ before bed...

solutions (or lack thereof)

Does any one else ever feel like in life, they're never given any solutions? I realize this is a really pessimistic way of looking at things, but just recently, I feel as though I don't have any "really good solutions". I am combating all these different scenarios in my head - wondering, "Had I done this, might it have gone differently?" and "Now what do I do?" I honestly can say, I feel like I have no answers. No solutions. Not even crappy solutions. Just - NO solutions. I feel like I've hit one brick wall after the next. What do I do regarding school situations? Brick wall. What do I do regarding church situations? Brick wall. What do I do regarding my own spiritual walk? Brick wall. What do I do regarding other relationships going on in my life right now? Brick wall. Again, I apologize for the "downer" of an email, but this is genuinely like how I'm feeling, and wondering if anyone else has experienced this sort of "brick box" around them. Maybe I just need a couple days to clear my head... In the meantime, this was my rant. Thanks for bearing with me.

The Album Leaf

As you may have noticed, I've been talking quite a bit more about music lately. I guess when I go through periods where I'm struggling and working through something in my head, this is my form of retreat. I sink into what moves me a great deal, and that is typcially music.

I would like to tell you that the album "In A Safe Place" by The Album Leaf has arrived, and I'm so happy it did. The album is beautiful and haunting all in one. It's so great. I mentioned to you before that it reminded me a little bit of Sigur Ros. Well, I looked into the band a little to find out that CD was recorded in Iceland with the help of the lead singer/songwriter from Sigur Ros - hence, the influence. Also noted on the Album Leaf website was a bit of Brian Eno influence. But this album is seriously one of the best "chill out" albums I've heard in a while (next to Iron & Wine - but that's a different sort of chill out). It has haunting melodies with beats that give it a more positive swing. I'm terrible at describing music, as I don't have much of the terminology down, so here is how this album was discribed on the the website:

"Chillingly delicate and more pop-based than ever before, In a Safe Place masterfully negotiates the spaces between minimal electronic music and melancholy instrumental neo-rock."

If you're looking to pick up just a couple songs to sample, here are the couple that are my faves:
"Over the Pond" - includes vocals/samples by Jón þor Birgisson (Sigur Ros)
"Streamside" - on the OC soundtrack - good acoustic guitar music - again includes Jón þor Birgisson
"Another Day" - good melody, fun beats

Very very cool... I highly recommmend checking them out.
Yay for Iceland and all the cool music they produce.
I think I'm going to move to Iceland.

"And I wonder, wonder what it's like to be living in Iceland, Iceland..." - Sordid Humor

how fitting

I have a calendar at work that my boss gave me for Christmas, and it has "spiritual quotes" on it. Typically, I don't read them everyday. Just doesn't interest me. However, when I was ripping off the previous days, I decided to read the quote for today, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. It is something that I have decided to make my prayer for now... I'm not a very "sing-songy" type person, typically. I generally am not a fan of things like this. However, I found it to be amazingly fitting with some of the things I've been going through lately. It's funny how God can use stupid things like quote calendars...

God, teach me to be patient
Teach me to go slow
Teach me how to wait on You
When my way I do not know
Teach me sweet forebearance
When things do not go right
So I remained unruffled
When others grow uptight
Teach me how to quiet
My racing, rising heart
So I might hear the answer
You are trying to impart
Teach me to let go, dear God
And pray undisturbed until
My heart is filled with inner peace
And I learn to know Your will.

transcendence

Every now and then, a song comes along that can totally be dated, but in one's heart and mind, transcends time. The song may have been from a specific time/era, but it has the ability to remain good and true throughout the years - through all the fads, through all the changes in music, the song remains close to one's heart.

I have such a song. The song came out in 1993 I believe, and I can remember where I heard it for the first time, and the first time I saw the video for it. I remember the song struck such a chord within me, even at the age of thirteen, that I have never been able to let go of it. The song that I am talking about is Round Here by Counting Crows. That song will forever be one of my favorite songs, no matter what anyone tells me.

There have also been different versions of this song. One version I have is from a bootleg of a Boston show, and he incorporates lyrics from another song called "Private Archipelago". There is a lot of adlibing in this version, and it's totally beautiful. But I think the version that gets me the most is off the the Live Across a Wire album. It's from a live MTV concert they did. It's absolutely amazing... There is a part with beautiful piano, and the lyrics go as such:

"There's a girl on a car in the parking lot.
She says 'man, come on, come on, just take a shot.'
She says 'Can't you see me? Can't you see me?
Can't you see my walls are crumbling down?
Can't you see my walls are tumbling down
Can't you see my sun stopped spinning around
Can't you see that sky turned black and brown
Can't you see that moon go flashing round
Can't you see me? Can't you see me?
Can't you see me.... No.'"

That part in the song stirs such an emotion in me, it's crazy... Like I said, every so often there is a song that will transcend time. This one is it for me. It's been well over 10 years since this song came out, and it in no way seems old or outdated to me. I love songs like that...

coming to a close

I should like to learn, right? So why am I sad that school starts tomorrow? Well, it means that my my freedom is coming to a close. It's been beautiful. Nothing scheduled on Mondays and Wednesdays over Christmas break - no school or work. It's been so nice. But alas, too much of a good thing I suppose is not good for me. It will be good to be back in school, I'm sure. Have a schedule again, have my time filled with homework and class going. Should be good. I have good classes too, so I really don't have anything to complain about. I for sure can't complain about the commute - I have a friend who commutes 2 hourson a train each way every day. YIKES. So, off to school it is for this girl...

I have to tell you about my new found music craze. I haven't totally checked them out yet - I'm just in the beginning stages. But this guy I know has mentioned them a couple times in his blog, and I had one of their songs already in my iTunes library, but I just recently have been checking into their other stuff, and I definitely dig. The Album Leaf - great mellow, music. Totally chill out, study to, make out to, fall asleep to - type music. One of their songs reminded me a little of Sigur Ros (the untitled album) and so I most definitely will be getting a CD or two by them... I'm diggin...

Current music playing on iTunes: "Evaporated" - Ben Folds Five (seems that song is playing often... such a great song though)

Well my little blogger friends, I'll check back in not to far off from now and give you the 411 on school. Good times had by all, I'm sure. Oodles and oodles of reading awaits me...

I'm still waiting to read Blue Like Jazz... I have a friend who's tossing it my way. I have had it recommended to me by loads of people. Sounds pretty interesting. Let me know if you've read it, and what you think of it.

Out for now. I'll sign off the way my friend Zach Braff signed off his blog the other night, as I too am headed to bed.
Peace and love and a pillow.
TJ

net worth & snowflakes

Ok, so the two don't really have anything in common...

Last night I watched my first ever Apprentice episode. I guess I can kind of see why it's addicting. However, once the claws REALLY come out, I don't think I'll be all that interested. However, when I heard the premise of the new season of Apprentice, I was really intrigued because they have compiled two teams that are book smarts (those with college degrees) vs. street smarts (only have high school diploma - but are actually worth 3x the book smarts people). I have to say, that I was totally for the street smarts team before last night happened. I was also digging Danny because of the red liesure suit...until he got really really annoying. Anyway, I won't tell you anything else in case you haven't seen it, but I think this season might actually make me a fan. Go figure.

So, I'm still sick... That's no fun. No fun at all. I was supposed to go on a winter camp retreat with jr. high and high school students this weekend - and with all this snow, it would have been amazing! However, due to being sick, I can no longer go. So here I sit, alone in my living room, in my pajamas, posting on my blog. What a sad sight!

For those of you who have been experiencing my crazy behavior due to the excessive watching of 24 season 3 in order to get caught up, I'm done with season 3 now. MY WORD! So crazy exciting... I was so into it, that one morning, I even woke up and was like, "Oh man... I don't want a new president... I like President Palmer." Granted, I was only half conscious and not really aware of who or where I was, but it was funny when I eventually realized that, hello, David Palmer is not the President. Do you guys think I'm addicted? It's getting bad... Now I have to get caught up on season 4. But my goal is to be completely caught up before Monday.

The snowflakes outside are amazing. Granted, I hate snow for the most part. The only time I quite enjoy snow is when I'm playing in it. I like to play. I was realizing that not too long ago... There is still a HUGE part of me that is a kid. I love to play with Legos and Play-do. I like to put together puzzles. I like to color in coloring books. I like to build snowmen and have snowball fights. I like to play in rain... I just like to play. But anyway... The snowflakes that are falling right now are so big and huge and they're falling oh-so-slowly. Absolutely beautiful.

Ok my friends... I'm sleepy. I think a nap is in order. However, I hope at some point this weekend to "write creatively". I was realizing I haven't done that in a long time - where I write about my weird ponderings. So maybe I'll do that later today or over the weekend. Who knows. But for now, most definitely a nap. Snow days are perfect for them.

american idol

So, I've never really been a fan of American Idol. Don't know - just never really caught my interest. However, being sick the past couple of days has made me dilusional or something as I decided to try my hand at watching it tonight. (Look out! The Apprentice might be next on the list to watch!) Anyway, so I caught part of the show tonight, in between doing some other things. Now, those of you who know me well, and know my feelings on American Idol and all the mocking that goes on. I mean, the whole William Hung situation just hurt me to see - even though everyone assures me that William Hung is completely aware of what's going on (which I still don't think is true). So, I have to say though that tonight, I feel as though I was not my "merciful" self, as I found myself snickering at a few of the performers. I wasn't laughing at their actual performance though - that just made me feel sad for them. However, what I couldn't stop laughing at was the fact that the judges had everything they could do to keep from laughing. Watching them try to keep straight faces - so hilarious. Especially when you see Simon - who by the way, I really can't stand - barely able to keep a straight face. It was rather amusing. And the editors of that show... They're kind of clever. While I still stay with the fact that I hate the mocking side of American Idol, it is cleverly put together, and definitely entertaining. I may just give it more of a go this season... I didn't give into the hype when it first came out, but I'm coming around...

coming attractions

I get really excited when there are a whole slew of movies coming out that look really really good. It seems as though there are high points where a whole mess of good movies come out, and then there are a lot of lulls. So often, it seems like more lulls than high points. But I'm excited for movies that are coming out between now and summer.

Movies to look forward to:

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - due out in July. A friend of my brother's - Drew - posted a little ditty about it on his blog a while back, and when I watched the trailer, I must say I was tickled. While the original Willy Wonka made me want to soil myself as it scared me quite a bit when I was younger (and still does), this one looks just as creepy, and I'm totally intrigued. If you want, check out the trailer for it. The music is creepy enough. But Tim Burton - what can I say. He's the master of creepy.

The new Batman - Ok, so I am a huge anti-sequel kind of gal. There are very few movie sequels that I enjoy. And I have to say, as much as I love Christian Bale (oh do I love him) I was REALLY hesitant about him being the "young Batman". However, I've seen some different things, and heard lots of things that make me think otherwise. I'm actually kind of excited to see how it all plays out... So definitely looking forward to that movie.

Kingdom of Heaven - due out in May I think. Now, I know what some of you may be thinking. I dig it because of Orlando Bloom. Oh, you are sorely mistaken. I might actually be turned off to the movie BECAUSE of Orlando Bloom. Don't get me wrong. He was great as Legolas, and he was good in Pirates of the Carribean. I haven't seen Ned Kelly or Troy yet, but I'm assuming he's pretty good. What I'm excited about is Jeremy Irons and Liam Nieson! Yay for those two! I don't know what it is about this movie - doesn't really look like anything new or innovating, but it's captured my attention for some reason. I'm anxious to learn more about it.

Sin City - I had read a bit about it a while back because I kind of like to keep up on what Elijah Wood's projects are. However, I just recently saw the trailer for it (thanks for the link Aaron) and while it looks like it could have some shadiness to it, it looks like it could be stinkin' amazing as well! It has a totally different feel to it (very comic book like which is only appropriate) and has a CRAZY cast which includes characters such as Bruce Willis, Benicio DelTorres, Jessica Alba, Josh Hartnett, Brittney Murphy, Elijah Wood, Nick Stahl, and a whole mess of other people I can't remember including one of my favorite actresses - the girl who plays "Rory" on Gilmore Girls. It looks pretty slick, and I'm quite excited for it.

There are others that I'm stoked about, but these are the main ones I've been kind of looking into lately. Has anyone heard anything more about "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe"? There's a WETA featurette on Apple Trailers, but I haven't found much on it. Just wondering if anyone else has.

But check out all the trailers for the above at www.apple.com/trailers

the usual

Not really anything profound, exciting, unusual, eventful, mysterious, scary or detrimental to report... Just the usual. I find it funny that in my last post, I was writing that it was around 50 degrees out... Quite the contrast from what today is. Oh so cold outside. Anyway, not a whole lot going on that's new - just the usual. I have the rest of this week to enjoy having a bit of freedom, as school starts up next week. Boo! Hiss! Nah, it should be a good semester. I have some classes that I'm really looking forward to. Just have to pray I get into the 5th class I need to get into.

I have some fun stuff coming up. This weekend I'm headed to winter camp with a whole mess of junior high and high school students. Should be a good time. I don't actually have a "role of responsibility" as I am the admin support normally for both those ministries at our church, but I decided it'd be a good opportunity to go. And I have a slight chance at getting to be a drummer for the weekend... For those of you who don't know, I have a djembe (an African drum) that I dabble in a bit. In fact, I play with another guy who does guitar and a girl who sings, and we lead worship for our young adult group. Every now and then, we play for a coffee house that a friend of mine puts on at his church, and they've now started referring to us as the Tory Dolan Band - just to push my buttons because I'm always like, "We're not a band!" Anyway, that was a total side note. But I do dabble a bit in playing djembe, and there's a very slight chance I'd get to play at winter camp. So that's fun. Then I have school starting next week, and in a month I have a retreat with a whole mess of young adults. It's at my friend Brandon's house - the house he grew up in. Yup - a weekend at the Brown Compound. I love his parents - and his bro & sister in-law who will be there as well. Good times, good times.

Things I've seen/heard recently: I just watched Anchorman. Now, all apologies to my brother, but I didn't find it as funny as I was expecting. It was alright, and I definitely enjoyed the "We are laughing. We are good friends." at the end, as well as the scotch song. However, overall, it did not make me laugh as much as I intended. 24 - I am now nearing the end of season three. I'm finishing the last disc tonight. Then I have to get caught up on the first two weeks (like 5 episodes) of season 4 and I'm good to go. Should be up to speed next week! Tunes - I haven't gotten anything new lately, and haven't heard much either. So if anyone has any good suggestions of some new music that's out, fire away. I'm waiting for the Passion 05 iTunes bundle that's supposed to come out on the 25th I think. And then the full CD is due out in like April. Can't wait for that - good music, but also because my voice will be one of the ones in the audience - how fun!

Shout outs - I don't normally do this, but hey, it's my blog, I'll give shout outs if I want to. Drew - glad you finally joined the world of iPods - they rock, don't they? Is Sideways really that good? The premise just didn't interest me in the least. Chris - I was watching Gilmore Girls the other day and thought of you because they had the theme song for Greatest American Hero on it - and it made me laugh! Katy - I'm jealous of your California winter! I wish I was there... Soak in some sun for me! I miss you! Sara - you too! Know that I'm praying for your dad! John Loppnow - what's with your blog? NO POSTING? Saddness in Tory's heart... I hope you're doing well. Aaron - Sin City looks awesome! I heard about it a while back, and am anxious for it to come out! Any word on the magazine? And Kelly - love you bro! We gotta hang out sometime soon! I miss you tons!

Ok, that's the Tory Dolan skinny for today. Hope you are all doing well.
And in the words of Crary, "Drink Sprite, and you'll be ok."

beautiful

What a cool atmosphere that surrounds me right now. I'm perched below a window in my room, the window is cracked a bit so that I can hear the sound of the rain on the road next to my house, as well as the sizzle of the wires above my house - a sound that I know so well from growing up here! Outside, there is still snow on the ground, though a fair amount of it is now melted away because it is near 50 degrees outside. And it is thundering. Lightning too. In the middle of January. How amazing is that. A thunderstorm, 50 degree weather, in the middle of January.

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine - about just how much nature - weather in particular - amazes me. I mean, come on, my friend and I formed a weather station when were like 8 - what does that tell you! But in all seriousness, nature, weather in particular, amazes me. There's something so crazy beautiful about it.

I think I may have written on this topic once before... I can't remember. I know that this summer, while working at Starbucks, two girls who were regulars at the store told us about a storm they drove through on I-80 where they were head on with a tornado. I remember feeling such a thrill, desiring to be in that position. Until they began to tell me how frightened they were, how they weren't sure they were going to live. When I went out to California, I so wanted to experience an earthquake. Not a major one, but a minor one. When I first heard about the tsunami - I thought to myself - oh man, I would have given anything to see a wave like that. This was before I realized the devastation that it caused. And storms... Tornados, flooding, mudslides... All of these things that intrigue me, cause such devastation.

So often, I wonder why God created such things. He created such beautiful things, that bring so much destruction. Then, I began to think about humans. Such beatiful things, that bring about such destruction.

I don't want to be a "downer" here. I apologize for such a heavy thought. However, I've just been thinking about how much more damage I've done than good, and how do I puruse goodness. It was something amazing that I learned at the conference I went to. Louie Giglio said, "It is Christ IN us, not Christ AND us." I began to think that maybe I'd bring more good if it was Christ bringing more good... Not me trying. Louie talked about how so often Christians live a life of "self-trying". That hit me hard. How often do I try to "do something good" or try to "be good" instead of just letting Christ live in me, and not just using him as a resource for my decision making.

Again, a bit of heavy thought, but what else are you supposed to do on days like this - thunderstorm days deem deep thought days! hehehe... I'm just goofing around. But, these were thoughts in my head, and I felt I should share.
Where to go from here, I'm not sure.
Join a disaster relief agency?
:)

24

So, the new season of 24 has begun. Don't tell me anything... I'm still trying to get caught up on season three. I just finished the 12 episode, so I'm half way through. My goal is to get through the rest of season three this week, watch the first two episodes of season four, and be caught up by next Monday... whew! That's a lot of TV to watch. But it's oh-so-exciting. I haven't been watching much about 24 either, as to keep it a suprise. I was mad because the DVD I was watching tonight TOTALLY gave away something before I even got to it - totally took the fun out it!

But for those of you who are hooked and already watching season four, keep me out of the loop & conversations until next week. I promise to be on top of it by then!
But enjoy it for me until then...
I'm excited for the season.
Looks like a fun ride!

overload

wow. I feel as though this is the worst "blank" spell I've gone through in a long time. Even in journaling. I haven't touched my journal much since I got home from Nashville. What gives? Why do you suppose I can't write? I have plenty of things I'm thinking about... Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm struggling with "thought overload". I have had so many conversations with so many different people in the past couple of days that I feel like my brain is processing faster than I can comprehend. Does that make sense? It's all really good... I enjoy having those kinds of conversations. But I can barely process what's going on in my OWN life, let alone process what's going on in other people's lives... But hopefully, this will pass and I'll be back to my blogging self sometime soon...

thanks for the patience... all two of you who read this.

passion

There are moments in life that I often wish I could slide behind a piece of glass, encompassed by a frame and keep them forever in order to remind me of the things I cherish and desire when my memory becomes too foggy to remember them. I attended the Passion 05 conference in Nasville, Tennessee this past week. I cannot even begin to explain the way that God met me this weekend. Surprises all around... And just when I thought I had received an unconceivable amount of grace from God, He continued to bless my pants off.

For those of you who didn't know that this is where I was headed this past week, here's the story... I have a friend who works full time at a church down in Racine, WI. He is the new leader of the young adult ministry there, and decided to take a group of college students down to the Passion Conference in TN. I have always wanted to attend one, and realized this is the last year I could go due to the age limit they have. So, I asked my friend if I could tag along, and he graciously obliged. So, last Saturday, at 11pm, 20 college age students hopped into 4 vehicles and hit the road. Little did I know what lay ahead...

Most of you know me pretty well. I thought I knew myself pretty well too. I considered myself to be fairly shy. I mean, honestly, my stomach gets tied up in knots when it comes to meeting new people. And here I was going on a trip with a whole mess of people I didn't know. I thought by the end of the week, I would end up being another one of my friend's appendages because I just didn't think I made friends that easily. However, I was blown away by the peace God granted me when it came with interacting with this group, and by the end of the trip, the love He had given me for them was amazing. I was able to reconnect with a girl from high school, and we shared some amazing conversations about things we had been going through in life, and struggles we had faced. Such a great time of openness and honesty. There were a couple of other girls who didn't think twice it seemed to make me feel extremely welcome and included as part of the group. It was awesome to see how God stretched me relationally...

Then there was the conference itself. Most of you know I'm not a huge Beth Moore fan, and she was one of the main speakers, along with John Piper. They were both pretty good, but the speaker who really spoke to my heart BIG TIME was Louie Giglio - the main guy who runs Passion. He was such an amazing speaker, and the things he spoke about totally resonated with me. I would have been satisfied if he had been the only speaker! Then, there was the worship. I mean, how often can you say you sat under Matt Redman, David Crowder, Chris Tomlin, and Charlie Hall within a 4 day period? How amazing is that. The first full day we had, I was baffled by the schedule I had gone through that day. Here was what it looked like:

Morning session: Worship with Matt Redman, John Piper spoke
Lunch
Breakout session: Joshua Harris
Dinner
Evening session: Worship with Chris Tomlin, Beth Moore spoke

The next day was similar - filled with worship with Charlie Hall and David Crowder, followed by a David Crowder concert. Craziness. So much amazing Christian leadership all within a short amount of time. I felt so spoiled.

I think the most amazing part of the weekend though was just the renewed vision I had of God. I had been equating God with things He didn't deserve to be equated with, and forgot to appreciate Him for the amazing God He truely is. It was one of those things where I didn't come away from the conference on this spiritual high, but rather, I came away from it being able to say, "God, You are real, You are active, and You are like none else." I was able to again feel His presence when it felt so distant for so long. And I was able to see Him in a different light, allowing me to love Him in a way I had not been able to in the past.

So, in case you haven't picked up on this just yet, it was an amazing weekend. One I am forever indebted to my friend for letting me tag along on, and forever grateful to God for meeting me there. What faithfulness, hey?
Rock on God.

I leave you with words that Chris Tomlin wrote in one of his songs that has just nested within my soul.
"You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same... You are amazing, God."