emotion

Do you ever wonder just how emotional God is?

Being a female, I am no stranger to strong emotions. And I believe that I may even be a bit more on the over-emotional side. I used to think of it as a curse. There are still some days that I think of it in this way. I know that there are nights where I cry myself to sleep, and wonder why in the world we as humans were given such strong emotions. I've even had some pretty crazy arguments with God over the topic, wondering why he allows us to feel such pain.

However, as I begin to really search deep into this idea of emotions, I can't help but wonder how emotion-filled God is. I mean, after all, we were created in his image, right? I remember the first time someone told me that they are excited to some day hear God laugh. God laughs, I thought? That seemed like a strange idea to me. But as I began to unpack that idea, and I looked around at all the farcical things that exist in life, I came to realize that I do believe God has a sense of humor. I've even been known to thank him for that attribute in the middle of corporate prayer.

But that opens up a pandora's box of thoughts for me... what other emotions might God feel, and how strongly does he feel them? I think that so often, it's easy for me to put God in this small box, where he's good for a few things. He's good at telling me what to do in life, good at making my sins known, good at letting me know He's in control, and good at blessing me with the things in life that I need, and sometimes (not all the time) with the things that I want.

However, I forget that God is a God filled with emotion. All throughout the scriptures, you see a God that passionately pursues his people. You see an God who is sorrow-stricken over the state of his people. You see a God who wants the best for his people, who wants to release them from whatever is weighing them down... You see a God who guides people. You see a God who has mercy on people. You see a God who doesn't put up with any crap... a very firm God. Loyalty. Faithful. Sad. Joyous. Giving. Loving. You see a God who is so sacrificial that He gives away His most prized possession...

And yet, so often, I think God is this emotionless, distant, thing (yes, I often think of Him as a thing... Sometimes it's hard for me to wrap my head around what he really is). And yet, if I really take the time to consider who God is, it's amazing how much he really has created us in His own image.

joy, part whatever

I've done this numerous times before, but I think it's a healthy ritual. Over the past couple of weeks, I've really been struggling with a lot of different things. Some of them are legitimate, and are allowed genuine emotion. And some of these things I've just taken too seriously, and have gotten way too bent out of shape over.

Sometimes it's so easy for me, in the midst of my emotions, struggles, fears, frustrations, etc. to forget about all the things in life I have to be joyful about. There are so many things around me that I'm blessed to have, and I so easily take them for granted.

So, in order to help me sort of put things in perspective, and in looking towards changing my demeanor and attitude as of late, I've listed 25 things that I take joy in. These are not the obvious things I have to be joyful about (having shelter, food to eat, clothing to wear, air to breath), but rather the small, unique things that happen... the stuff that's easy to miss at times.

Here we go... yet another "joys" list...


1. "Polkabats and Octopus Slacks" - one of my favorite children's books
2. hugs from Tina... and just hugs in general!
3. naps
4. getting to see the greatest little kids in the world every single day
5. sidewalk chalk - I can't wait until it gets warmer!
6. holga cameras
7. mid-afternoon Scrabble games at a coffee shop
8. coffee (it gets it's own slot)
9. friends who tell me their baking a pie at 9 in the morning
10. hearing stories about the Lazarus house
11. watching my brother's unusual creative endeavors (usually involving Drew)
12. reminscing about childhood
13. swings
14. watching Elijah and Meira Kalbas grow up
15. finding tulips on your desk when you get to work
16. fun, pop-punk music
17. meeting random, but warm and accepting strangers
18. banana pancakes
19. catching up with old friends over Jimmy Johns
20. brainstorms
21. photo projects (365, 5 min, cream city walks)
22. turtles... cause really, they're just too cute. I miss Tripod.
23. driving in the car, windows down, listening to good tunes
24. going for walks at night... Seriously, one of my favorite things in the world.
25. deep conversations with good friends about life

significance

I've been struggling lately with the idea of significance. It's an interesting concept to me, this idea of "being important." And I'm not just talking about "Am I important?" but rather, wondering what makes something important and significant.

Follow me if you will, down this little rabbit trail of thought...

The world is painted with hierarchies... Every where you look, there is some natural order of importance. In the workplace, there are employees, who have supervisors or bosses, who also have supervisors or bosses, until we get all the way up to the president - the top dog of the company. He's the decision maker, the idea man, and everyone looks to him for the answers. At church, there are your average church goers, and then there are deacons/elders and then there is the pastor. School's are even structured with this sort of top-dog mentality. Take a look at any high school and you'll see the seniors dominating, and the freshmen getting stuffed into lockers. Everywhere you look, there's some sort of order of importance.

I've seen this spill over into my own thoughts about life, and in trying to figure out what is important, and what should be dismissed as insignificant. For example... Let's say I get into a car accident (please know, this is COMPLETELY hypothetical). I'm fine, but my car is pretty messed up. This rocks my world a bit as it puts a huge financial strain on my life. It seems significant to me because in the realm of my own experiences, it is a hardship. However, if I were to compare it with the hardships of someone let's say living in Darfur, or who was a victim of the tsunami we had a few years ago, or someone who is homeless, or parentless... My situation seems insignificant and unimportant. It is just a car - just a possession that can be replaced. Should I really be that concerned about it? Should it cause me as much stress and anxiety as it does? Am I being ridiculous for feeling the way I do?

I struggle with this idea of significance because of the hierarchies that exist all over the world... Someone, somewhere, in some time will always have a situation that is worse off than mine - I am pretty sure I will never be at the bottom of the totem pole. However, where does that leave me? How much am I allowed to validate my feelings towards a situaion? Where does one draw the line between valuable and insignificant?

I think there is a lot of guilt that comes with emotions. I also think that religious people have added a great deal to this mentality. I can remember growing up, always feeling pressured to have a smile on my face, and be ready to answer with "I'm great." Just recently, a co-worker of mine answered my "How are you doing?" question with that very answer. I looked at him and said, "Don't lie. It's ok to say you're not ok. You don't have to tell me what you think I want to hear." Another interaction I had was with a 5 year old little girl who was sad that her cousin got a birthday present and she didn't. We needed to encourage her to not throw a fit, but I refused to tell her she couldn't be sad. In fact, I assured her that it was ok to be sad, but that her actions needed to look a little different.

I think so often, we're asked to push past our emotions, and begin the healing process without really ever sorting them out. I'm not sure we even know HOW to sort them out. I know so many people who go to counseling because they've never really been tought how to sort out their emotions. I've never really been taught how to sort out my emotions. And I also think there is a lot of pressure to devalidate our struggles and trials simply because they do not match the dire situations a portion of the world finds themselves in.

I've come to this point in my life where there are a LOT of things going on in my head and my heart, and I'm not quite sure what to do with them. I'm trying to sort out the significant from the insignifcant, and trying to figure out what's valid and what isn't.

Even this blog post...significant, or just some ridiculous ramblings?

kickball

Imagine this: You're outside at recess. There's green grass that's just begging to be played on. Today, it's kickball. The captains are picked, and the rest of the children line up, awaiting their fate. The first two names are picked - they're the fastest runners. The next two names are picked - they've got strong arms for throwing. The next child is picked, then the next, then the next... You're standing there waiting...waiting for that moment when your name is called.

It looks as though your fate will soon be decided. However, you realize, as you look around you, that every other kid has been picked, and you're standing there teamless and alone. You're not the fastest runner, and your throwing skills are sub par. You look longingly at both captains, praying one of them will excitedly say your name and happily welcome you to the team. Instead, you are met with confused faces and an argument about who has to take the last kid standing. You realize that the last kid standing they're talking about is you. Neither team wants you. You're not what they're looking for. You don't meet their standards. Finally, one of the captains reluctantly picks you, just so that the game can begin. But you know, if they had had the option... they would have sent you home.

I hate the game of kickball.

(Image found at http://thinklab.typepad.com/think_lab/images/kickball.jpg)

love

It's interesting how you can find love in unexpected places...

As we head into a day known for celebrating "love" I thought I'd share how I felt "loved" today. They are simple stories - nothing profound - but they are moments that made my heart leap with joy.

I help oversee a tutoring program where I work, working mostly with K5-5th grade. I love them all dearly, and they are some of the greatest kids in the world! Well, today, as I was getting out of my car and heading into work, I saw a group of these children who come to the Mission for a weekly bible study. One of the 5th graders - Q - cheerfully greeted me and came over to give me a hug. Now, you must realize, Q and I have a good relationship - we get along pretty well. But Q is somewhat of a tough kid, someone I never really imagined to be a hugger. Therefore, that hug meant more to me than most hugs. I felt so honored that he had given me one.

Story #2 that melts my heart... L is a 1st grader, and was not able to attend tutoring last semester. However, her mother figured out a way for her to attend this semester after L had been asking non-stop when she could return to tutoring. So, today was L's first day back. She approached me and said, "Miss Tory, I got to come back!" She had such excitement in her voice! I squatted down so that I was level with her and said, "We're so excited to have you back!'' She threw her arms around my neck and gave me a big hug. She said, "I'm so glad you're here!" and I whispered back to her, "I'm so glad YOU'RE here, L!" As we finished with our hug, she ended our interaction with, "I'm so glad we're ALL here!" Seriously... my heart was in one big puddle on the floor.

Story #3 - D was upset about something... I could see it in the way she carried herself, and that she didn't have her normal smiley demeanor. I asked her what was wrong, and she just covered up her face. I bent down so that I could better make eye contact with her, but she refused to let me see her face. Upon asking her a second time what was wrong, she just fell forward, and buried her head into my shoulder. I gave her a hug, and even though I knew she wouldn't tell me what was wrong, I tried to assure her things would be ok. I tried to spark a little interest by telling her we had a Valentine's craft to do... She seemed to perk up a little, but then just kinda fell back into me. I gave her one last hug, and told her we needed to head to her class. She seemed to be doing better, and was willing to join the rest of her class. While this wasn't the most endearing moment, I felt so priveleged to be the one she sort of let her guard down with. Even though she didn't tell me what was wrong, working through it together seemed to help.

The kids were overly affectionate today, and I was greeted with such great excitement by many of them. It made my heart so happy to see them today.

It's so cool to me that even though I don't have someone significant in my life to share this holiday with, even though I've been single for almost my entire life, and sometimes I want so badly to meet someone, fall in love, and get married... That God provides me with other ways of feeling loved and fulfilled. The kids I get to see every week - many that come from hurt and broken families - have so much love to give, it's unreal. Sometimes I'm amazed by them.

And today, they captured my heart!

shoot

I love to shoot pictures. I've always been into looking at photographs, and have even tried my hand at taking them. My love for photography started in high school when I first came across Scott Mutter's photography. I loved how he spliced photos together. I took a class in college, trying to awaken the photographer within me, but mostly, I ended up taking more goofy pictures than anything. These days, I seem to be into it quite a bit more. Unfortunately, I don't have the greatest equipment, or the most patience in the world. However, every now and then, you just gotta push past all the negatives in hopes of gaining something positive. Such was the case on Sunday.

My friend Simon and I have been doing this self-portrait project now for roughly 30 days. We're only 1/12 of the way into it. However, there have been a couple times where Simon has challenged me to other photo endeavors. We did one a couple of weeks ago where we had 5 minutes with our camera to shoot as many photos we could of whatever we wanted. We then had 1 hour to process them (using whatever Photoshop tools we desired) and then had to post them to our Flickr site. It was an interesting project... I didn't realize how hard it would be to shoot really good shots in only 5 minutes. But it was a lot of fun, and I feel I learned a bit.

Sunday was another day for a photo project. Originally, our other partner in crime - Johanna - was supposed to join us, but ended up not being able to. We were supposed to do a photo walk outside in downtown Milwaukee, but seeing as how it was below zero, we decided to stay indoors. Because we couldn't really think of a good location to shoot indoors, we decided to take pictures where we work.

At first, I found it a little challenging to think creatively about the place I see every single day, 40 hours a week. Looking at all the offices, the classrooms, the floors I have to sweep and mop, the hallways I have to vacuum... it's hard to imagine how these places can be artistic.

But, after a while, I started to get into it a little bit more. It turned out to be a fairly fun photo shoot, and I got a couple pictures I liked.

Here are some of the photos I got: