parade

Sitting below my window with the shade partially drawn, I can’t help but stare at the clouds as they travel across the winter sky. They’re not imaginative today. No shapes. No ducks. No cars. No dinosaurs. Just gray masses with soft, uneven edges. But they’re going somewhere. East, I think. I wouldn’t mind going east myself – southeast rather. Strap a bag to my back, take off, and head to somewhere warm. Wisconsin doesn’t offer the most enticing weather this time of year. But for some reason, I’m fixated on these clouds as they continue their eastward march. Maybe it is for the simple fact that they’re moving. They aren’t waiting for anything, but moving ahead to bigger and better things. Maybe they will provide shade for someone. Maybe they’ll provide rain for dry lands. Or maybe they’ll tickle some little kid’s imagination. I don’t know why they’ve captured my fancy today, but I could sit for hours and watch them. It’s been a long time since I’ve laid out on my back and watched the clouds dance by. I’ll have to tuck that idea away for a warmer day. But I’m enjoying the cloud parade today. I wish I could join them in the parade. I will instead be content to watch them continue on their way. On a day where the snow covered trees are not welcoming, the cold wind offers no warmth, and the sun is in hiding, the clouds have come through for me. Brilliant.

(photo taken by elysium at www.sxc.hu)

words

Words can be a powerful thing - so can the lack of words. I am realizing more and more how vitally important word precision is, and how easily communication can get screwed up. It’s so crazy how easily it gets all jumbled up… how often I communicate something so differently than I had hoped.

Since I was little, I have always felt more comfortable with written communication. Ask my parents. They have great stories from when I was a kid. I would be angry about something, have hurt feelings, or just be unhappy for whatever reason. Instead of crying or screaming about it, I simply shut up. I know, some of you may laugh to know this about me as it takes a great deal of effort to shut me up these days, but when I was young, I didn’t really communicate much. I never really expressed how I was feeling about anything. Sure, I had my moments of laughter and moments of tears, but for the most part, I kept quiet. I have theories as to why that might have been the case, but that’s beside the point. Communication was not a regular practice of mine. However, I did have periods where it was imperative that I let my parents know what was going on in my head and heart. My method? I would write a letter, and set it on their bed roughly two weeks after the fact. For whatever reason, I just didn’t want to “talk” about it. Writing felt so much more natural, and I relied heavily on that method of communication.

Even to this day, I rely much more on written communication that I do verbal communication. Part of that may be due to the fact that I’m an internal processor. As an internal processor, writing is the perfect form of communication because I can sit and think about what I want to write and take my time with it. It doesn’t require the immediacy that verbal processing/communication does. However, I’ve realized that my communication via writing no longer warrants this sort of methodical, diligent thought process. I’ve found that with the convenience of email, the conversational invention of instant messaging, not to mention fairly quick typing skills, I have found that more often than not, I type my thoughts WAY too quickly, and do not give it the thought it deserves. Sadly, I do this with email quite frequently. I will receive an email from a friend, or be thinking about something and sit down to write an email. I simply type it up and hit send without even performing a spell check or reading it over to make sure it’s coherent and exactly what I want to say. With it being the first day of school, and thinking about all the papers I will have to write, I started to think more about the energy that goes into writing papers vs. the energy that goes into writing emails/blog posts/instant messages. Sometimes, if I am not confident in my ability to write a paper, and I really don’t care about it, I’ll sit down, write whatever comes to mind, and carelessly hand it in without looking over it a second time to see that it makes sense. I’ll hand it in blindly. However, if I was writing a paper worth a good portion of my grade, or I felt was really important, I would definitely spend more time on it. I was thinking about the effort I put into my Shakespeare paper last semester. Granted, different elements of the process were required by my professor, but I spent a tremendous amount of time on that paper. I went to the library, I scoured the internet, I took notes, I created an outline, I wrote a rough draft, I revised that rough draft, and wrote a final paper – clear in focus and clear of errors. I began to think about the emails I send, the posts I write, and the instant messages I send. How much time do I spend making sure it reflects exactly what is in my heart? How often to give attention to how it will be received? How often to I write out of unprocessed emotion? The answer to those questions is pretty pathetic… The sad thing is that I then spend so much energy worrying about whether or not it was received the way I had hoped, or making apologies for not communicating clearly. I use the very energy I should have used while writing in the first place.

Today I felt challenged. I felt challenged to spend more time making sure that what I’m communicating is exactly what I want to communicate. I felt challenged to think about the importance of what I’m writing, and whether or not it is necessary. Did I really need to send that email? Should I really say that over instant messenger, or should I save those precious words for an “in-person” interaction? I’m not promising anything… I’m sure I will still have crazy rants about how much I love surfing, how much I hate clowns, and how frightened I am of my Eastern European Film class! I’m sure I’ll still have lame late night instant message conversations where I’ll wake up the next morning and ask myself, “Why in the world did I say that?” However, I’m hoping to work on not be so negligent in my writing. I’m hoping to be more diligent, and do my research. I’m hoping that when I write something, I can set it aside for a period of time, come back to it, and re-evaluate it’s worth. I want to mean what I say the first time, not make excuses for it after the fact. Words are so precious. They’re not to be taken lightly. And I’m hoping that I can more strongly reflect that in the days to come.

With that being said, I need to go back and proof read this before I post it.

(photo courtesy of criswatk at www.sxc.hu)

panthers

Well, this is it folks. My last semester of being a panther. Tomorrow hails the title of "first day of my last semester." I'm extremely excited about it being my final semester - excited for what's ahead, excited for an extended period of no homework without the "I should go back to school" weight on my shoulders, no more paying $9 a day to park in the Union parking structure, no more group projects, and onto feeling settled in a new job, hopefully moving out, and becoming a full fledged adult. I can't wait. I thought this period in my life would never come, where I could say in four months, I graduate. At the same time, I gotta push through four more months. Yowza. Four months of African American Literature, American Indian Literature, World Cinema, Hebrew Literature, and the Psychological Effects of Racism. Four months of papers, of reading, of possible group projects (pray I have NO group projects this semester).

I realize, four months is nothing. I realize that I am so unbelievably blessed to have the opportunity to get a college education. I have been given a gift I should not take lightly. I AM grateful that I have been fortunate enough to experience what we know as higher education. I just need to keep reminding myself of that... To be thankful.

Tomorrow begins the four month journey... Should be interesting.

surf

I love surfing. I haven't actually ever been surfing, but I love watching it and the whole culture that surrounds it. My friend Jeff Worthen took this picture... He has a whole set of really cool surfing pictures, but this one is my favorite. There's something so great about surfing. I think part of me loves the idea of taking on something so huge. I mean, if you think about the power the ocean has, not to mention the things the ocean contains (sharks!)... it's pretty intense to consider what it is that surfers are actually doing.

I remember when I took my road trip out to Cali... On the first night I was there, my friend Shelley and I headed down to Manhattan Beach. It was late, and it was almost closing time, but I remember standing on the pier, and hearing the sound of ocean waves - a sound I hadn't heard in a long time. The sound literally brought tears to my eyes. For anyone that knows me, they know I have a fascination with water. I seriously could sit and stare across the ocean for hours. And that night, the sound of the ocean was music to my ears. Then, a few days later, my friend Sara and I went to see the documentary "Riding Giants." It was a great documentary about big wave riding. However, it was also freaking scary. To see some of these guys drop in on 50-100 ft. waves... Chilling. While it was pretty intense, but amazing to watch, it started to instill a fear within me - a fear to ever try surfing. I remember reading the story about that 13 year old girl from Hawaii who got attacked by a shark and had her arm eaten off, but still surfs. However, I wasn't comforted... The thought of a) getting swallowed by the ocean, and b) getting eaten by a shark, made me fearful to try surfing. Not to mention the fact that it was pretty cold surfing weather while I was out there, and I didn't have a wetsuit. My friend Sara has just had her appendix out, and wasn't really in good form for surfing. However, she offered to let me use her surfboard, and said she'd watch me from the shore, yelling out helpful hints on how to surf. Surfing all alone - that frightened me even more.

Looking back on that experience, I regret the fact that I didn't even paddle out and at least just sit on the board. From what I hear, that's a tough enough task. I'm bummed I didn't even try. There's something so enticing about the surfing world. I'm not even sure if I could tell you why I'm so attracted to it, besides the aforementioned. All I know is some day - someday I will learn to surf. I am no where near in good enough shape to try it now, but one day I will be. I will work my butt off to get in shape, and one day, I will be out there... Just me and the waves. And I will soak in every ounce of glory it has to offer.

cities

I love cities...

I WILL live in a city one day.

Milwaukee wouldn't be my first choice, but I'll enjoy it for now.

what to do...

Often times, I wonder what to blog about. Do I want to write about music? Part of me would write about music every day if I felt it was actually worth doing. Do I want to write about other forms of entertainment? Well, film/TV are huge interests of mine and I could probably write a fair amount about them. I mean, Sean Astin being on 24 - that alone provides plenty of writing material. But it would get old after awhile... Do I write about more personal stuff? That scares me a bit... Every so often I will post something that's a bit more personal, and it's always a little weird to put it out there. Here's why...

First of all, when I write more "personal" stuff, it is usually written out of emotion - meaning that I can go back to it a few days/weeks later, and feel completely different about the situation. I'm a stewer. I like to stew over things that happen, conversations I've had, or emotions I'm feeling, and usually end up in a completely different state then I started with. I feel that if I blog about something I'm working through - thoughts or emotions I haven't fully processed - it suddenly becomes set in stone. If I run into people a few weeks later, and they say, "Hey, I read this on your blog..." and then reference something, I may be totally past that. However, because that person wasn't around for the processing part of it, they have no idea that I've moved on to feeling differently about the situation. It creates for some awkward interactions, and also makes me feel as if I'm saying one thing, doing another - when that isn't really the case at all.

The other reason is, I feel that even though I love to communicate through writing, it's not always conveyed they way I'd like to it be. And here's where the problem comes in. I've had conversations with a couple people about this, but the internet provides some sort of weird relational dilemma. Through services like myspace, facebook, and even blogs, people have this false sense of "knowing" someone. People feel that if they read about the things you are doing in life, thinking about, and experiencing, they automatically know how you will respond in certain situations, or how you feel about everything when that is clearly not the case. I found myself falling into that trap on a couple of occasions. People's blogs I'd read, friends I'd met through Relevant who I was corresponding with, and other situations... While I may know bits and pieces about each of those people, I don't "know" them, the way I know someone I spend time with on a daily basis. Therefore, I think I get a little fearful about writing more personal blog entries because I'm afraid that people will hold me to the things I write about. People will say, "Yeah, but on your blog you said..." So, basically, the two reasons are sort of tied together. But one is more about the time and processing that happens in between blog posts, and the other is about personality. Both are about being defined by this silly thing we call a blog.

I don't want my blog to define me. I cannot be known simply by what I write on this blog, nor do I wish to be. There are so many layers to people, and blogs are so one dimensional. Watching people's expressions can tell you a lot about them. Seeing how they interact with others, what their body language is, if they have a gentle or brash demeanor, if they give distant hugs, or are a bear-hugger? How do they laugh? These are all things that are TREMENDOUSLY important when learning about someone. They are things that can never be learned through daily postings. They need to be experienced in person. And I think that blogs give a false definition of someone. Yet so often, I think those of us who are involved in reading them, are swept up by the idea of knowing someone.

We were designed to know and be known. We have this mad craving to be known, as well as to know other people. The desire for community was built into us. Therefore, it doesn't surprise me that this sort of community has exploded. I mean, the ability to network, find people all over the place, get to know them, read about them, interact (sort of) with them... These are all forms of community. And I think that it has the potential to be really good... But it also has the power to go south, and go south FAST. It has the potential to lots of good, but also lots of damage.

I was conversing with someone the other night, and another interesting thing we discussed was the idea that employers can now do google searches, and find blogs on the internet. Not only can they do background checks with employers, but they can find out all about you just by typing in your name in the little Google box. That thoughts a tad daunting. So now, what I write about is not only affecting my family and friends that read it, but also potential employers? Yowza... not sure I like that idea. So often, I think people who blog, or post on myspace/facebook think that they are somehow in this hidden little world that only the people who know them can access. But that's just not the case. They don't call it the "World Wide Web" for nothing.

So what to do... What to write about... It's so easy for me to write about media and surface level stuff that's going on in my life. But do I want to take the plunge, be a little risky, and write about the stuff I'm REALLY thinking about? Or is all of this just a little too much of me, me, me...

The narcissistic element of the blog... That's a whole other story...

cm & ms

I heart Chris Martin and Michael Stipe.

Did anyone by any chance tivo/tape the Austin City Limits Coldplay performance on PBS tonight? There was a great duet with Chris Martin and Michael Stipe doing "Nightswimming" (a fave R.E.M. song of mine) where Chris Martin looks super excited he got to play for Stipe.

Just wondering if anyone got the first 40 mintues. I only got the last twenty (didn't get the "Nightswimming" performance - boo!). But at least I got Coldplay's performance of "Fix You." Still loving that song...

Let me know if anyone out there tivoed/taped it.

Thanks.

major

My friend Katy had a quiz posted on her blog, and I thought it was kind of interesting, so I thought I'd take it too. I decided not to paste the quiz only because it's gianormous. So, I just posted the results below.

What major should you be?

Art 92%
Theater 92%
English 83%
Journalism 83%
Sociology 83%
Psychology 75%
Anthropology 58%
Linguistics 58%
Mathematics 50%
Philosophy 50%
Engineering 50%
Dance 42%
Biology 17%
Chemistry 8%

Interesting... I'm a semester away from graduating, and my major is third on the list. It's interesting because I think if I felt like I would have done well as an art major, I might have stuck with it. But I do absolutely love art. Therefore, it's pretty fitting that it's at the top. However, I'm not sure how "theater" made #2. Interesting... But this is actually probably a pretty accurate portrayal of where my interest lies. The only difference should be that Mathematics shouldn't be anywhere on there! Hahaha...

Anyway, I just thought tthis was an interesting poll, with interesting results, and thought I'd share. You can take such a poll at quizfarm.com if you feel so inclined. There are a whole mess of weird polls there. Have fun!

extras

I realize that the last "celebrity" post I created I stated that the next person I would write about would be Michele Gondry. I lied. I still intend to write about Gondry, but I have something else to write about in the mean time. Forewarning, it's long.

Before I begin, I must make apologies where apologies are due. For a while now, my brother has been raving about JJ Abrams, and while I'm a huge fan of at least two of his projects (Lost and Felicity), I didn't really know much about him, and therefore, mocked my brother for his new-found fascination with Abrams. However, I just finished watching the extras on the Lost Season 1 DVD collection, and I must say - I'm now a HUGE fan. I absolutely adore Abrams, and am anxious to start watching Alias, a show I never really gave much attention to. My brother told me I "owed it JJ" to watch Alias, but I did not take his statement seriously. However, after watching the special features on the Lost DVDs, I see what he means. I do owe it to him. So all apologies Kelly for not yielding to your suggestions, and not understanding your fascination with Abrams. Therefore, this post will be dedicated to Abrams, as well as the show.

Now, on to the good stuff...

First, let me start off by saying that the "behind the scenes" stuff a lot of times ends up being way more interesting to me than the actual show/movie itself. Example: Lord of the Rings. I saw the first movie in the theaters, and did not feel strongly at all towards it. I had mediocre feelings for a movie I had tremendous expectations for. After my first screening, I did not see it again until it came out on DVD. I heard a lot of buzz about the "extended edition" and decided that I too wanted in on the action. I picked it up, watched all the "behind the scenes" stuff, and fell in love with Peter Jackson, the cast, the people of WETA, and ultimately, the movie. From that point on, I was obsessed with Lord of the Rings stuff - but mostly because of all the crazy stuff that went into the making of it. That's what fascinated me the most. Well, the same goes for Lost actually. I was gung-ho for it before it even aired, telling everyone I knew it was going to be a cool show, and that they should watch it. One of the reasons I had initially started watching it was because of Dominic Monaghan - yes, I had a wee bit of a crush on him. I'm a sucker for a funny guy. Anyway, I watched the pilot and the first few episodes, and found it to be a tad cheesy. So, I gave up on the show. It wasn't until mid season when I had heard all of these crazy things going on on the show, that I decided to tune back in. And I was hooked. Loved the show. Found it creative, loved the characters, loved the fact that I didn't know what the crap was going on - all that jazz. As season two began this year, I realized I had missed a LOT of the back story on characters. While I could follow along with what was happening, I realized there was a lot that didn't make sense to me, and I wanted to try to go back and re-watch them. My parents bought me the DVDs as a present, and I've been watching them since Christmas. I just now got to the good stuff - the special features. Here's why I love the special features so much...

The writing process: As someone who loves to write, and has a strong interest in how things are all put together, I was super excited that they talked about the process of how they got their writers, and how they went about doing it. The outline for the pilot was written in five days, and ABC picked up the outline. It's hard enough getting a script picked up for a pilot - let alone a mere outline. Craziness. But I loved that they talked about all problems and victories they had throughout the writing process.

The cast: I always love to see the "real-life" actor who plays each character. Granted, one cannot get a true sense of what that person is like in real life, but I love that I can at least get a glimpse of what they are like. One of the characters who I was surprised I found myself REALLY enjoying was Josh Holloway who plays Sawyer. He was cracking jokes all the time (there I go again with Mr. Funnyman) and was laughing a ton, and just didn't seem to take himself so seriously. So fun.

How they do stuff: I always love when they show how they do stuff. I know that for a lot of people, it's "ruined" for them when they see how it all was accomplished, but for me, it only makes me appreciate and admire the crew involved in making it look so real. One of the things that I thought was great but also had me laughing pretty hard was how they handled the polar bear. I don't want to give anything away or spoil anything for anyone, but if you get a chance to watch the special features, know that that was probably one of my favorite "this is how we did it" scenes.

Dominic Monaghan: Now, this isn't necessarily something that I "loved" about the special features, even though I'm still a bit of a Dom fan. However, it's something I found kind of interesting. Dominic's character isn't what I would consider "central." He gets a fair amount of air time, but the people I would consider (though it's changing a bit this season) would be Jack, Kate, Sawyer, and Locke. However, in the special feaures, Dom is EVERYWHERE! He's in pictures, they talk about a ton of his scenes, they do a "behind the scenes" on Drive Shaft - Dom and Charlie get tons of attention. Now, I find this strange because this is also what happened in the Lord of the Rings extended editions. I felt like Dom seemed to pop up all over the place. Part of me wonders if it's just because of a charismatic personality, or if it's because he LOVES talking to the camera. I think maybe a little bit of both. Anyway, that was just a little tidbit I though interesting.

Matthew Fox's pictures: This was my absolute favorite part of the DVD. Photographs do something for me like nothing else. It's weird. I wish I could explain it, but I can't. I just love photography. Maybe I ought to consider that among the eighteen other avenues I've thought to explore. Anyway, Matthew Fox, or "Foxy" as D.M. refers to him, took pictures on set while waiting to shoot. He stole an idea from Jeff Bridges who on the set of White Squall, took photos and created books for all the cast and crew. Fox decided to do the same thing. The DVD highlighted some of the pictures he took, and they were absolutely beautiful. A lot of them were candid shots of them on set and moving around on the set, lots of black and white photos. I think it's so awesome that he gave the books to the cast and crew, but I must say, I wouldn't mind getting my hands on a copy of the book... How amazing would that be to have?

JJ Abrams: One of my favorite moments on the DVD with JJ is where he's imitating how they filmed a scene. The camera is on him, while he and another crew member imitate what they just shot. It's absolutely hilarous. However, I'm just amazed at the brilliancy and integrity of JJ. The thing I love about him was he wasn't willing to do just any show about people being stranded on a deserted island. He was only willing to do it if it was something unique, something different - had a different angle than anything else. The show has gotten criticism for being like "Gilligans Island meets Survivor" with a twist of The Island of Doctor Moreau. But the show goes further than that. There are so many layers to it, and the way the story is unraveled is brilliant. Another thing I love about the show is the dedication to plot AND character - not one or the other. So often, shows rely so heavily on one or the other that it feels as though something is lacking. I don't feel that way about this show. I think it has a really good balance. Sometimes, there are weeks where I wish there was more action (like this past Wednesday after waiting 6 weeks for a new episode) and other times I wish there was more "back story." However, all opinions aside, I think the writers do a really good job of incorporating both. The other thing I love is JJ's commitment to having real props as much as possible, and straying for CGs wherever he can. I was surprised to find out how much was real vs. how much was CG. There was a lot that I would have imagined to be CG that wasn't. The polar bear... man, that was hilarious... YOU GOTTA SEE IT.

Anyway, I could go on and on... I've already written way too much... But what can I say. I love this show. And I especially love the special features.

But don't worry, I'm still on the "Jack Bauer" side of the line. Cannot wait for Sunday.

Sorry for the lengthy post. Thanks for hanging in there with me, if you even DID hang in there with me. I'd be interested in knowing how many of you actually read this entire post in its entirety... My guess is not that many.
I'm a good rambler.

tidbits

This post will be random tidbits of info that are either exciting to me, I find interesting, or simply felt like sharing. And they are as follows:

SUNSHINE! I updated my last post because I forgot to mention that I finally saw the sun yesterday! It was amazing, and as glorious as ever. Made me a very happy girl.

New episodes of my favorite TV shows are finally about to air: On Tuesday, I believe we will be graced with a new Gilmore Girls episode. Wednesday, the ever anticipated Lost will air a new episode... After re-watching all of season one, I'm ready for more of season two. And last, but definitely not least, 24 starts next Sunday. Can I get an amen that we can finally resume the stories we've so patiently been waiting to continue with?

Last day of work: For those of you who don't know, for almost 3 years now I have been working at Thermo Electron doing data entry. It was a great part time position to have while in school as it offered a great deal of flexibilty. Well, I was offered a position to work part time with Sonlife Ministries next semester, and decided that trying to pull off two part time jobs and 15 credits during the last semester of school was probably too much, so I quit my job at Thermo. My last day will be Wednesday. It's exciting to think of what's ahead, but it's also sad to leave my job behind. I made some amazing friends there, and they will be missed.

Vacation: Because Wednesday is my last day of work, and I do not start school until the 23rd, I will have some free time on my hands. There are a couple projects I'd like to work on (one of them is painting my room) but I'm trying to be creative with what I can do with my time. What will give me a feeling of rest and relaxation, but also the feeling that I "did" something. Something recreational and fun. Something artistic and meaningful. Who knows what that will be... I'm still in the brainstorming process. I'm up for any suggestions though.

School: In two weeks, I will be in the last semester of school. I thought it would never come. But it's here, and as excited as I am, I have no idea what's ahead of me after graduation. I was telling a friend of mine the other day, that if I try to imagine what my life will look like a year from now, it's incredibly hard to imagine. I have explored many different options: Where to move - I have considered different cities, different states, and even different countries. Where to work - I am keeping every option open, and talking to as many different people as I can. So who knows where I'll be 6 months from now. Part of that frightens me, but I also find it completely exhilerating.

Myspace.com - what a weird invention. I have a friend who lives in Cali who is the one responsible for getting me to sign up with myspace, and it was mostly for connections with old friends from college. However, as I wandered around on it more, I realized there are a lot of cool things about it, but also a lot of crappy things about it. Cool things: The ability to check out/listen to tons of bands, as well as the ability to connect/network with old friends. Not so cool: The fact that young kids are posting a lot of information about themselves, and there are really weird people who are willing to talk to just about anyone, about anything... I think you can see where I'm going with this. So while I think it has the ability to be great, I'm still really hesitant about it.

I suppose that's about it for now. Random thoughts, I realize. None of them seemed to have enough value to warrant a seperate post for each, yet I still wanted to write about them for some unknown reason. Maybe it's just to hear myself talk. Maybe it's so that you all have a better idea of just how nutty my brain is. Or maybe it will help make sense of some weird book I write, or film I create in the future... They'll look back and say, "Look, she was just as crazy back then... That explains it all."

Ok, goodnight one and all.

chi-town

Scary huh? I call it "Star Spewer." Hahaha... This is the product of a friend's husband being out of town, a girls road trip to Chi-town, and the Kraft Education Center at the Art Institute's free "studio." Today I headed down to the art museum with EBrown, and we created these sketchboard drawings. The funny thing was, for almost the entire creative session, we were the oldest ones in the room - by about 15-20 years! It was hilarious. It was totally a workshop for kids. But we partook of it anyway. However, both EBrown and I stared at our blank black slates with no creative spark - we had no idea what to draw. Therefore, we each carved random lines, and then swapped - forcing the other to create something from the random lines. The frightening picture displayed above was the product of weird creative efforts... it was all I could come up with. Quite scary, I know... I have NO idea what was going through my brain as I drew this. However, it was probably the most fun I've had in a while. Gotta love those moments of reverting back to childhood activities.

The Art Institute was a great trip. It's been about 5 or 6 years since I've been there. There were some great exhibits too. I particularily enjoyed the photography exhibit. Great stuff. We then headed to Schaumburg where we attempted to eat dinner at Big Bowl (an hour and 20 minute wait) and ended up at California Pizza Kitchen (seated instantly). After a great dinner, EBrown and I headed home, with good tunes playing on the car stereo. Having had great conversation, and brief moments of insanity, we finally made our way home after a great day of hanging out in a fun city.

EBrown - thanks for such a fun day in the city... Just one last thought for you: "Gander Mountain..."

* I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO MENTION THIS! While driving down to Chicago, the sun came out. THE SUN! As it peeked through the clouds, I giggled with glee and exclaimed, "The sun, glorious sun! I forgot what you looked like!" I closed my eyes and briefly soaked in the warmth and brightness of the sunshine!

sunshine

There are only a few situations in which I will say this - I hate the weather. If it's snowing, I will say "I hate the weater," or, if the humidity is close to being unbearable, I will say, "I hate the weather." But it is rare for me to say "I hate the weather" when it is raining. Typically, I absolutely love rain. There's something so great about it. However, I believe we're now on like day 15 of constant dreary weather, and to that I say, "I hate the weather."

When it feels like 4:00 in the afternoon all day, when it's so damp it makes 40 degrees feel bone-chillingly cold, when you can't seem to warm up or dry off no matter how hard you try - it turns from being a great thing, to a yucky thing.

And for whatever reason, it makes me really sad. I can't even tell you how happy rain usually makes me. If a thunderstorm rolls in, or there's a heavy beating on the roof from the rain - brilliant. But this - this is no fun. I've become so lethargic, so unmotivated, so sleepy... and just down right sad.

I could really use some sunshine right now.

Who would have ever thought the girl who constantly prays for thunderstorms would ask for sunshine. But I am. Right now. Asking for a little bit of glorious sunlight to beam through the clouds. Just for some momentary relief from the dreariness.

You know how there's rain dances? Is there such a thing as a sun dance (and I don't mean the car)? If so, I think we all need to have a massive pow-wow.

Anyone else with me on this?

jump in

I know I'm pretty late getting this on my blog, but I figured better late than never. I loved this commercial when I first saw it, and so I thought I'd share it with you who have yet to see it.

It's for the Xbox 360 - the double dutch commercial. Granted, I absolutely loved the water balloon fight one as well, but this just made me wish I lived in the city where I got to watch little kids (and I guess adults) play double dutch (something I could never do as a kid).

So, here's the link. Check it out.
You'll have to be patient though to let it buffer.
Jump In

the list

When I was little, I had big dreams of one day being able to fly. I'm not talking about flying my own airplane, I'm talking about unassisted, free form flying. My friend Leah even shared this dream with me, so much so that we tried oh-so-hard to accomplish our dream. Granted, we knew unassisted flying was out of the question. But we tried every sort of contraption we could think of. One of the funniest looking had to be us jumping off a ledge on her house holding an umbrella. Then two. We SWORE that when we held two umbrellas, we floated just a LITTLE bit longer. So of course, we were imaging what it'd be like if we had some sort of parachute or gigantic umbrella. Of course, being little girls, we couldn't get our hands on anything like that. But my absolute favorite attempt was when we tried to build a hanglider. Of course, heavy duty materials were something not easily accessible, so we had to make do with what we had - garbage bags and wooden dowels. Yes my friends, we tried VERY hard to make something that we could possibly fly with, and that was our best attempt. We put this wretched looking thing together, and would run down a hill, hoping for any amount of air time. It ultimately amounted to zero air time, but hey, you have to at least give us an A for effort, right?

As we entered the year 2006, I started thinking about that dream... I also started thinking about the list I made 2 years ago, about this time. I made a list of the things I would like to accomplish before I die. Some of them may never happen. Some of them, I can't control. But some of them are achievable. The unfortunate thing is, I lost the list. I had a hard copy of it that I had printed out and taken with me to work to hang in my cubicle. The original document was on my computer which was lost when I broke the hard drive. I no longer have a "Things I Want To Accomplish" before I die list. I was trying to remember if I posted it on my blog way back when, but I don't think I ever did, and I don't think I want to scrounge through some 200 posts to try to find it. The thing is, I don't remember all of what was on there, but I know hangliding was one of them.

Since I am no longer with a list, I thought I might just post a new one... and I thought I would share it with all of you. Like I said, some of them aren't likely to happen. Some of them I have no real control over. Some of them are MUSTS. But this is my list... It's a dream list. It's a "if I could experience life, this is how I'd do it" list.

So here goes... oh, and they're in no particular order... just as they come to mind I guess.

1.) Backpack through Europe
2.) Travel on a boat/ship up and down the coast
3.) Go hangliding/skydiving
4.) Write a book and attempt to get it published
5.) Attend the Sundance Film Festival
6.) Get married & have kids
7.) Sit in on a live show taping (Conan or Ellen = FUN!)
8.) Create a short film
9.) Learn to speak Hebrew
10.) Learn to surf
11.) Visit NYC
12.) Live in a big city (even if it's only for a short time)
13.) Take a road trip from one coast to the other
14.) Open a Children's Bookstore
15.) Act in a play (something other than a church production)
16.) Be an aunt (I'd make such a cool one, I swear!)
17.) Work on film set (anyone know of any PA positions?)
18.) Go on a missions trip to Africa
19.) Develop a good relationship with a charity organization
20.) Learn to sew
21.) Go to Austrailia/New Zealand (maybe live there?)
22.) Have an entire book of the bible memorized
23.) Meet Joaquin Phoenix (hahaha... had to put it on there)
24.) Work with M. Night Shayamalan
25.) Go whitewater rafting

Ok, I'm sure I could come up with more, but that will do for now. And I just noticed how many of them have to do with going somewhere... Can we just say I have an immense love and desire to travel?

Anyway, some of these were on my original list, and some are probably new. I know that I have one that was on there before that isn't anymore - attending the X-Games. I remember when I originally created the list, I hadn't attended the X-Games. Now I have... Let's hope a couple of these come to fruition in 2006...

new years

Happy New Year one and all! I hope that you had a fun and safe New Years, and that today you are able to merrily welcome in 2006. It's kind of odd if you think about it. Yesterday was no different than today, except that yesterday ended in "2005" and today started in "2006." Somehow the change of the year offers a change in life - a fresh start.

Last night I was able to celebrate 2005 and welcome in 2006 with some people whom I enjoy a great deal. I headed down to Illinois last night to spend New Years with my brother & sister-in-law, as well as a few of their friends.


(Gina, Drew, Kelly, and Amy)

Good times, good times. We first headed to Flat Top - a very fun restaurant in Chi-town, and then headed to Navy Pier to watch the midnight fireworks. Getting to Navy Pier was quite the ordeal (but fun) - trying to find parking, figuring out what bus to take, and attempting to make our way through the mass of people. After a crazy and unsuccessful attempt at the bathroom, we made our way to a fudge shop to satisfy Amy's...uh...I mean, the group's chocolate craving. We then made our way outside, found a bathroom where people were oblivious to its existence, and were on our way to the fireworks. But by 11:45, we had our spot on the upper level of Navy Pier, and awaited the show.



Here's one of the shots I got of the fireworks... I still haven't gotten the hang of my camera yet, so most of my fireworks shots didn't turn out. This one was probably the least blurry. But here is my attempt at another:



We only came across a few drunk people, one of which seemed very fond of Gina and Kelly. He kept repeating, "Happy New Year! Happy F***ing New Year!" over and over to both of them, even calling Kelly an endearing name (b****) to which Amy, Drew and myself doubled over in laughter. The guy had no clue we were laughing at his drunken state until right before we departed from him, and he had some lovely parting words for Kelly. We made our way onto the bus - a SCARY accordian bus - where we stood right in the middle of the accordian part. Let me just say, it was really disorienting when that bus took a turn, and certain people moved, while others didn't. Weird. I'm not sure why I was so weirded out by the bus... Aside from clowns and revolving doors, there's very little that makes me really uncomfortable. It was strange... Anyway, after our interesting bus ride, we made our way back to our cars, and headed home.

Definitely a fun night all around.

With that being said, and a good New Years celebaration, I say - welcome 2006. Let's see what you've got!

non-existent

Ok, I have officially declared my drawing abilities to be non-existent. Well, maybe not entirely. I mean, after all, I can draw a pretty mean circle, and I do have a fun swirl design I doodle all over my notes in class. But every time I try to sit down and attempt to draw what I see in my head, it just will not come out!

As some of you know, I have recently had a great desire to write a children's book. I was thinking about asking a good friend of mine to collaborate with me - I would write the story, he would illustrate it. However, I sat in the children's section at Barnes and Noble tonight and read a few books where the illustrations DEFINITELY carried the story. Seriously, almost ANYTHING could have been written on the page... I was actually pretty surprised by what kinds of books have gotten published. So the more I began to think about it, I was like, "Shoot... I need to be able to illustrate the story myself."

Now let me back up a bit... A couple nights ago, I sat down and finally started to lay out an idea that had been rolling around in my head. I figured I'd write the story and do rough sketches in order to give my friend a good idea of what I was looking for as far as the illustrations were concerned. Let me just say, I had an absolute blast. I haven't taken time to just sit and draw in a really long time. I think I was at it for at least 2 hours. So fun, and so relaxing. But see, the thing is, the drawings didn't need to be good. They were simply rough sketches for ideas - not the final product. Therefore, no pressure, which lead to it being a really fun, and enjoyable time.

Ok, jump back to tonight. I sat down and tried to come up with different ideas for good cartoon figures for children's books. I thought, "How fun would it be to write a story about an ostrich." So, I attempted to draw an ostrich cartoon. Oh my. It was quite frightening. I first started with a realistic drawing of one, just to get a feel for the shape of the ostrich. The, I tried a cartoon version of one - absolutely frightening. It looked like some crazy geometric monster. I tried a few other sketches, and NOTHING was coming out the way I wanted it to. So frustrating.

I'm back to where I was about 9 months ago when I posted about art envy. I spent the past couple of days reading different graphic novels and different children's books that have amazing illustrations. I spent a good hour or so at the art supply store just looking at all the art supplies I would love to have in my possession. Even as I write this, I have the beautifully illustrated "The Day I Swapped My Dad For Two Goldfish" sitting next to me, hoping for an ounce of inspiration.

I know that I should be grateful for the gifts I have, and not be so frustrated that I can't do certain things... But I can't help it. I want to write a children's book. I want to illustrate it. I want to sell it to a publisher, make some money off of it, and open a children's bookstore. Guess I just "want" a lot, huh?

But I think my hand is defunct. It won't do what I want it to do.
Leaving me with nothing but a blank sketch pad to stare at.

l-o-v-e

...a topic that has recently surfaced in numerous conversations I've had recently. Maybe it's because it's Christmas. Maybe it's because the amount of single people my age seem to be slowly vaporating. Ok, maybe not vaporating, but quickly becoming un-single. That's for sure. Who knows... But it's definitely a hot topic.

I rarely write about this topic though... At least, I don't think I write about it that much. I don't usually like to share that much of the inner workings of my head and heart on this issue. But, because I've had so many conversations about it with people recently, I thought I'd attempt a blog about it.

First of all, let me say this... I have like, no experience with this topic. Seriously. I'm 25, and I've been on a total of roughly 4 dates, all with the same person. My dating experience is next to nothing. The only guy I dated was for a very short period of time, and it was a bad idea from the start. Don't get me wrong - he was a sweet guy. In fact, he's married now. But when we decided to date, it was purely logical (on my end) and not romantic. It made sense to date him. But he was too good of a friend, and I just didn't feel that way about him.

I guess the thing I'm wondering is why so many of my single friends - myself included - seem to have a geniune loss of hope that they'll find "someone." Granted, a good chunk of my "single" friends are younger than me, and have time to find someone... Heck, I'm still fairly young, and have time. But I have come across numerous people who seem to have no hope that they'll find someone. And no offense to those of you who do have someone - but hearing the oh-so-common phrase "It'll happen one day" or "God's got someone in store for you" isn't of much consolation when you geniunely do not believe it.

I don't want you to think I'm completely hopeless - I'm not. There's a small part of me that thinks it's still a possibility. I'm guessing I'll at least have another date or two at the very least. However, there's also a part of me that wonders if my independent/loner nature will serve some sort of purpose - that I will remain single for the rest of my life.

I don't know the answers to this one. I don't know if I'll ever find someone. I don't know if I'll get to journey through life with someone by my side. I don't know if I'll ever be looked at lovingly. I don't know if I'll get to hear the words "Will you marry me?" Heck, I don't even know if I'll ever get kissed (yup... pretty sad... 25 and never been kissed).

All I know is being single is not easy... I always hear my married friends say, "Being married is work." Well, so is being single. I always hear my married friends say, "You'll find someone." It's an easy thing for them to say - they FOUND someone. I always hear my friends say, "Be patient." And I want to say, "What do you think I've been doing for the past 25 years?" Granted, some days I'm more patient than others, but let's just say I've "waited" in multiple aspects.

Here's the thing though... I don't want just anyone. I don't want to settle. I want to find the person I've imagined since I was a little girl. I know that person will not be perfect. I know that person will have flaws, will disappoint me, and will cause me pain. But I also know that that person, should I meet him, will have the potential to inspire me, challenge me, and make me unbearably happy. So while I am SUPER frustrated with my lack of knowledge/experience, and slight lack of hope, I am definitely solid on the fact that if it does happen, it'll be amazing because I don't want just anyone, and I won't settle.

So what is the point of the post? Not much... Just wanted to ramble about a hot topic in the single world: l-o-v-e. And now comes the point in the post where YOU get to ramble about love...
So leave a comment!
My comments section is lonely!

for blue skies

My newest playlist has emerged... Some of the songs on here are on other playlists I have posted, but a good portion of them are new due to recent acquisitions. I'm loving this playlist, that's for sure. It's a pretty mellow mix, and was originally designed as a "road trip" mix. However, seeing as how I'm not taking a road trip any time soon, I figured I'd stick to a trend I started a few playlists ago, and name it after a song that exists in the list.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the current playlist that's on repeat on my iPod:

"For Blue Skies"

"Brighter Than Sunshine" - Aqualung
"This Train Doesn't Stop There Anymore" - Elton John
"When In Rome" - Nickel Creek
"Come Pick Me Up" - Ryan Adams
"America" - Simon & Garfunkle
"Heartbeats" - Jose Gonzalez
"The Trapeze Swinger" - Iron & Wine
"Hide and Seek" - Imogen Heap
"For Blue Skies" - Strays Don't Sleep
"Fall Away" - The Fray
"The Best of Me (Acoustic Version)" - The Starting Line
"I Saw" - Matt Nathanson
"It's You" - Ryan Cabrera
"Blue Sky Blues" - Ryan Adams
"Falter" - Lori McKenna
"Hallelujah" covered by Allison Crowe
"Goodbye My Lover" - James Blunt
"When The Music's Not Forgotten" - Deadman
"Long Ride Home" - Patty Griffin
"My Father's Gun" - Elton John
"Sullivan Street" - Counting Crows
"Same In Any Language" - I-Nine
"Carry On" - Kadence
"On Your Way" - Eastmountainsouth
"Home" - Michael Buble
"Afternoons" - Lori McKenna

Well, there it is folks. Great mix. Good stuff. There's quite a few songs from the Elizabethtown soundtrack, lots of folk thrown in there, with a few other random songs. But I'm loving it.

spiral bound

When I was little, our family was good friends with another family... The Reniers. Our parents were good friends, and therefore, us kids hung out quite a bit. There were two boys, and two girls... Kelly (my brother) and Aaron, and Katie and myself. I have memories of swimming in hotel pools with them, riding on the back of an elephant at a zoo with them, and listening to Weird Al songs. However, as we got older, we all sort of lost track. Mrs. Renier (Hackbarth now) would send us letters/cards every Christmas, but we rarely got to see them, especially the kids. I don't know when I last saw Aaron or Katie... I'm guessing it was at least 10-15 years ago.

This Christmas, I received a book from my parents entitled "Spiral Bound" written by Aaron Renier. How cool is that? It's a graphic novel - Aaron's first - and it's doing pretty well. It had recommends on the back from Lemony Snicket and Dav Pilkey (one of Aaron's good friends, and author of Captain Underpants), as well as someone from Nickolodeon. So cool. And I have a signed copy. Fun, fun...

As most of you know by now, I have had an overwhelming interest in children's books over the past 6 months. I don't really know where it came from, or how it came about, but it's been a pretty strong interest in children's lit. Recently, I've had the incling to write a children's book (I had written one in fourth grade...hahahah... but the idea did not resurface again until recently!) Anyway, Aaron's book has given me a bit of inspiration to possibly pursue the idea a little more... Don't know if I will or not... Only time will tell.

However, I just wanted to tell you about Spiral Bound. I have yet to read it, but it looks pretty slick. It's available on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com if anyone is interested... It's got fun illustrations, and it just looks like it's a good adventure story.

So check it out. "Spiral Bound" by Aaron Renier.
And to Aaron... Thanks for the autograph, additional sketch, and the inspiration to take a crack at it.
Much luck to you in the future.

(PS - This is my 200th post. Craziness)

rated PG

I have a friend who tends to rate a lot of things "PG" - as in,
Praise God.

This week can only be rated as such.

My brother and sister-in-law had some really crazy things happen to them this past week. After a few really rough months, this only seemed to add fuel to the fire. However, it's amazing to see how God provided for them... Seriously, it's a pretty stellar story. It's definitely not over, and they're still trying to pick up the pieces that have scattered all over the place. However, they definitely had some PG moments this week.

I too had my own PG moment this weekend. On Friday, 10 minutes prior to my walking out the door for a work-related holiday party, I received an email from my college advisor. It stated, "You have not been cleared for graduation in May 2006." My heart dropped. Not cleared? Why not? As I continued to read the email, my advisor informed me that I had not taken a class I needed to take, and that I must drop one of my classes during the Spring semester in order to graduate. I really had no room to shuffle things around, and I really was not looking forward to dropping my Modern Biblical and Hebrew literature class, where we will be studying the Torah in great depth. I was so excited for that, hoping it would stoke some dedication to reading the Bible on a more regular basis. For two days I stewed over how I was going to work it out, fit the class into my schedule, and still be able to graduate. I sent an email to my advisor, as well as the chair of the English department. I had no idea what I was going to do. I just knew that if I couldn't graduate, I'd be heartbroken.

Today, I received another email from my advisor. He had done some checking, and was able to clear it up with the department. I am now scheduled to graduate in May of 2006. A PG MOMENT ALL THE WAY!

I just wanted to share with you about the PG week that was experienced by my family and I this week.
Sometimes, it's so easy to get caught up in all the crap that's going on, that I forget to give praise where praise is due (even though praise is due during the crap as well!)

Thanks to my friend C-Sliw for the rating system.

my doorbell

"I'm thinking about my doorbell
When ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it?
I'm thinking about my doorbell
When ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it?"

Yes, these are the lyrics that have been running through my head non-stop, all day today. Literally, from the time I woke up (9am) until now (11:30pm) I have been repeating those lines - over and over and over. Granted, the song (and the video) are a lot of fun ("My Doorbell - The White Stripes) but SHEESH! I'm not sure I could be more annoyed... It's almost as bad as when I use to get the "do do do do do do do do" part from Tom's Diner stuck in my head. Again, another good song, but REALLY annoying to have stuck.

That's all I wanted to share.
Jack and Meg's little ditty has been haunting me all day.

For the love of God, GO AWAY!

jake

(photo from http://cj-buni.tripod.com)

I know I'm probably going to catch a lot of flack for this post. I realize, you are probably all thinking, "You just like him because he's SO dang good looking." Well, yes, I will admit - I do think that. Tis very true.

However, I was watching a movie special on VH1 tonight about Brokeback Mountain - the new movie that Jake Gyllenhaal is going to be in, and it got me thinking about his movie career, and all the different projects he has chosen to be a part of. I really think he is extremely talented, and has made some really unique choices. While I may not think each of his movies are the greatest for various reasons, there is an artistic element to a lot of them that makes them very intriguing. Not to mention he's been popping up a TON lately. I mean, three movies that all came out this fall - craziness. He came out in the not-so-well advertised Proof, the over-advertised Jarhead, and the movie that comes out tomorrow Brokeback Mountain. He's been in movies such as October Sky, The Good Girl, Donnie Darko, Moonlight Mile, The Day After Tomorrow, and um... well... Bubble Boy, but we won't talk about that one, and others I'm sure I'm forgetting.

Sad to say, I haven't seen any of his movies that have come out this fall, but hopefully that will change soon. I've heard Jarhead is amazing, and despite the discomfort that will probably come from Brokeback Mountain, I really want to see it. I've heard it's beautifully shot, and is a really good "emotional journey."

So, despite the flack I'll probably receive, I just wanted to take a moment to highlight an actor who I think is brilliant - he's shown it in the past, and is just now starting to really shine.

Yay for Jake Gyllenhaal.

Next celebrity post: Michele Gondry. The man is freaking brilliant.

nonpareils

(image taken from www.candywarehouse.com)

When I was little, going to the candy store was the best. Oh, every so often my friend Leah and I would walk down to the local Super America and buy ourselves some Lemonheads, Jawbreakers, or Laughy Taffy... But I'm talking about the REAL candy store. The kind of candy store where you have to have someone get the candy for you. Where it's piled high in glass cases, just asking to be eaten. Going to the REAL candy store (Buddy Squirrel to be exact) was one of the best trips (next to going to the pool) that I had as a little kid.

Nonpareils. That's all I have to say. Best candy known to man. Michigan cherries are a close second.

To be honest with you, I didn't even know the name of the candy I adored when I was a kid - not until today at least. I was walking over to the printer today at work, when lo and behold, there on one of the tables, was a bowl of these Smooth & Milky Nonpareil Mint Kisses. I had no idea that was even their name. I just knew that they were one of my favorite indulgences as a kid, and I hadn't had one in ages. I picked up a pink one, popped it into my mouth, and about a minute after swallowing it, remembered why it had been so long since I had one.

I have this memory. It's not exact, and I can't even tell you how old I was, but I got a bag of these candies. And I think I devoured the whole thing within like, a half an hour. Bad news to say the least. I remember feeling so sick afterwards, and that's how it felt today when I popped that candy in my mouth. I only had to have one piece of it, and a flood of memories came back about when I was little - but then, the memory of getting really sick came back, and I couldn't even look at them afterwards.

I asked a whole mess of people in my department what the name of my candy was because I knew I wanted to write a blog about it. I know, kind of lame. But there's a reason why I wanted to write about it. I thought about that sickening feeling all day, and began to think about how often we do that in life - whether it be with relationships, entertainment, experiences, whatever... How often we come to love something SOOOOO much, that we have to devour it - soak in every little bit of it that we can, until we can no longer stand up straight, and feel as though we'll hurl it up any second. I know that there are so many things - and I'm not talking about just candy - that I do this with. I will become so fascinated, so fixated on something that I end up taking in too much of it, and it ends up being the worst thing for me.

Does anyone else do this? Or am I just that nutso that I get super passionate about something, almost to a fault? I think the idea of moderation is interesting. So often, I think of it only in regards to bodily consumption - alcohol, comfort food (nonpareils), etc. I don't often think about the emotional aspect of moderation. However, I'm starting think everything in life is meant in moderation. However, I don't know what this would look like... For someone who gets so passionate about something, so excited, so enthralled, it's hard to imagine toning it down, and taking it in with great ease and moderation.

Hmm... I don't really have a closing thought. I wish I had a nice bow to put on it. They're just my thoughts. Incomplete, and still in the works.

Aren't they always?

family friendly

Ok folks...

My friend Aaron over at c2ak posted this on his website. I emailed the link to a couple friends who I thought would enjoy it, but then I thought to myself that some of you may enjoy it as well.

So I bring this to you.

Aaron wrote on his website:
Want to change a horror movie in to a feel good family movie. Just change the trailer.

Go here to see the new, feel good family movie.

Brilliant.

blunt

(photo taken from www.jamesblunt.com)

As many of you know, I'm a total sucker for a piano. And there is definitely no exception when it comes to James Blunt. I really like his music. The first song I got of his was a free download through iTunes - "High." He's become pretty well known in the US with the song "You're Beautiful," but the one I'm currently digging is "Goodbye My Lover."

However, did any of you see James Blunt perform on SNL? Yowza. Did anyone else find him creepy? He kep looking directly at the camera, and he had this "Goodbye my lover... I'm going to stalk you" mixed with a deer-caught-in-headlights look. Kinda creepy. And is it just me, or does he slightly resemble Jon Heder?

One more SNL comment... How many more times can they show the "Morgan Stanley" commercial/sketch? SERIOUSLY! I rarely watch SNL, and yet I've somehow managed to catch that commercial/sketch like 3 or 4 times.

SNL... What a shame it's become.

space

I'm sitting on a window seat at school. I have always loved window seats, and desperately dream of someday having one of my own in the place where I reside. There's something so great about sitting next to the world, being able to take it in at full size. I'm not talking about looking out some 4x4 window... We're talking full sized, near floor-to-ceiling window. Brilliant. And it's heated (ah, warmth) but even better, it's on the second floor. I'm looking down on a guy walking his bike across campus, a girl who's braving the cold wind and snow in just a hoodie, and the courtyard where in-between-class leisure time is spent when the weather provides a more appealing atmopshere. I'm sitting in a place where conversations happen - students discuss homework assignments with professors, some of them arguing, people say I love you, and people break up, people scream "Girl, wassup?!" down the hall, curse using just about every foul word possible, and people engage in other raondom verbal interactions. I'm sitting in a place where people run to class, meet up with friends, satisfy the munchies, and supposedly become better educated in the process. Yet somehow amidst all the hustle and bustle that happens within these halls, I am able to slow down, and enjoy the quiet moments in life. I love being able to look out the window, and watch a single snowflake attempt to complete its path towards the ground. I love listening to the hum of the heater, indicating that there is no one else around to steal the spotlight from it's monotonous, yet soothing sound. I love sitting against the wall of my window seat, and feeling the warmth of the sunshine on my face, distracting me from the cold that waits for me outside. It is in these moments, in this place, that I find a sense of peace. Where I can put all the events of the day, all the harshness of the world, the bitter cold of winter, and everything else around me aside, and breathe. This window seat... has magical powers. It seems almost sacred.

Now, I realize this sounds weird, and somewhat pointless. However, I do have a point. I was thinking about space - actual, physical space that we occupy. The places we go, have been to, and spend many hours of our lives. I don't know about you, but one of my favorite places in the world, is my bed. I love to take naps! But as I began to think more about this idea of space, I couldn't help but think of one space in particular - church. Now, when I talk about church (little c) I'm not talking about a body of believers who gather together. I'm talking about the physical building where they meet. So often, I think we just see it as the place we go on Sundays. It's the place where we sing songs, where we listen to someone teach, and where we have potlucks (if you have missed out on this tradition, be thankful). However, what if we began to treat it like my window seat... What it become more of a sanctuary, a place where we could find peace, silence, and solitude. I think in order to make the distinction that Church (big C) doesn't not rely on church (little c) we forget that it CAN serve a function. At least I do... And I think it hasn't been until recently that I've realized the effect of it.

I've mentioned before on my blog that I have a love for the piano. We no longer have a piano at my house, so I would always play the baby grand we had at the church I attended/worked for. It was beautiful, and I loved playing it. But I can remember times, sitting in the sanctuary where it was located, and feeling a sense of awe... Here was this sanctuary - a place that had been the grounds for worship and learning, along with many arguments, rules and regulations... Yet, when I was there by myself, in the dark, just me and God, it changed. This room that had been host to many Sunday morning sermons and tense church meetings, somehow felt so much more like a sacred sanctuary... So often I took that "space" for granted, not recognizing that it was a holy place, and that I was on holy ground...

This is not to say that this is the only holy place. In fact, I'm saying that I think we function according to the opposite assumption. For instance, how many of you feel like you connect more with God on a mountain top? sitting by the ocean? looking at the stars? These are all places I think we deem as "holy". Yet, the place where people communally invite God in, you'd think would be considered in the same way. But it's not... We see it as a building: carpet, pews, podiums, halls, crosses.

I wonder what church would look like if we were asked to take off our shoes before entering in? I wonder what it would look like if instead of making the church look more like a movie theater, it reflected a more sacred atmopshere? What if instead of spending our energy on rules and regulations about what SHOULDN'T happen in the "auditorium," we spent our energy modeling a type of worship where that respect would come naturally?

Who knew that sitting in my window seat would spur such thoughts. I think I have just been struck by the idea that a "space" can be so special, so sacred. And that lead me to wonder if the church - the actual building - could ever look like that. The place where I should MOST want to meet God, I don't - or so it seems. The place where people are supposed to "find God," they don't because no one else is there to meet Him unless there's a program to go along with it.

These thoughts may make no sense, and for that I apologize. This post is a bit of a stream-of-consciousness. However, sometimes I like to post them because then people comment on things I never even thought of. So if you have any thoughts, I'd love to hear them.

lost

I know there's going to be one person in particular who will not be too happy with this post, but I'm going to post it anyway.

Did any of you watch Lost last night?

I will try to not give away anything for those of you who haven't seen it, but last night made me happy. I felt like last night, the show returned to what it was that first made me like it... Where I sit in front of the TV and can only say "What the hell?" I've been saying that a lot lately, for some unknown reason. But last night made me say that a couple times, and I loved it. I love the fact that I have NO idea what is going on, or why things are happening. I love it when they focus more on the mysterious aspects of the island, versus the personal conflicts on the island (which are good, but can sometimes get old). Last night was just a good "what the hell" type episode.

And I loved it.

Can I also tell you how much I love Mr. Ecko?

That's my mini-post for now.
Maybe I'll post more later today.

big

Have you ever wanted to be a part of something really big? I mean, REALLY big? Looking towards the future, and wondering what in the world I'm going to do with my future, I can't help but think about the fact that I want to be a part of something big. What that big is, I'm not entirely sure. And I'm not even sure what "big" means anymore to me. I guess there's a part of me that thinks about how amazing it would be to go to some other country, and be a part of something really important - like helping people get clean water, or helping to educate those who really want and need education, or helping people who are sick. But there is so much in the United States that needs attending to as well. I was watching "Mad Hot Ballroom" the other night, and there was a teacher who was absolutely amazing. The way she talked about her kids, and to see how much she loved them and wanted them to succeed, was so inspiring. It made me want to work with little kids in the inner city. Listening to those kids talk - all they knew about, all they had seen, all they had experienced at the tender age of 11... it was heartbreaking. But it struck a chord inside that said, "You too can impact people..." Over Thanksgiving, I engaged in conversation with my brother, sister-in-law, as well as her sister and sister's husband. We were discussing what it would look like to start a church. Throughout the conversation, I began to have my own rabbit trail of thought. I began to wonder what it would look like if church organizations got behind and supported organizations that already existed, and helped them to do what they're already doing instead of trying to take over their already successful services, and make it fit the "church" mold. Take a homeless shelter, or a shelter for battered women, or an AIDs organization, or a The Red Cross, or any of these organizations. What would it look like if instead of the church trying to help people as their own entity, they got behind other organizations that are doing quite well, but could use the extra support. So often, I think we are so stubborn when it comes to being a part of a something bigger, if it doesn't quite match what it is we believe. Like, doing good isn't really good unless it has a church's name attached, or is deemed "Christian." I remember a while back, the Live 8 conference got a lot of flack from the Christian circle because it was "self-promoting" or it "wasn't preaching what Africa really needs - Jesus Christ." I LOVE that in the Bible, Jesus often, if not most of the time, met people's physical needs before he met their spiritual needs. I think so often we are SO concerned about people's spiritual needs, that we dismiss physical needs. Yes, I think that spiritual needs are extremely important. But so are the basic necessities of life. If people don't have water or food to survive, they won't even be able to live a life for Christ.

I know these are a whole lot of tangents. I didn't really stick to the idea of "being a part of something big." But I guess that's where my question lies. Why do I want to be a part of something "big"? And is it possible, that being a part of something small, is in essence, being a part of something big? Is giving a good meal to a homeless man on the street being a part of something big? Is tutoring a kid after school something big?

I think so often I get caught up in the romanticism of "something big." Going to Africa. Going to China. Being a missionary in the middle of who knows where. Installing water pumps in villages where they have no water. Delivering medicine and food to places that have none. Rescuing children from orphanages. These are all really great, and really important, and people are needed to do those sorts of things. But if I can do nothing to help my neighbor, who says I'm going to be able to help someone elses?

I don't have a whole lot of answers to the questions. Sometimes I wonder why it seems so hard to do the little things, and why I'm only attracted to the big things. All I know is I've been thinking a lot lately about how I want to make an impact. I want to be a part of making people's lives better. Letting more people know their loved. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I don't know what it will look like. I'm not even sure how I'll find the motivation to do it. But I don't want to just coast through life, without sharing it with others.

no excuses

I was watching this show this morning, where they were inviewing this nineteen-year-old named Kyle Maynard. Kyle was born without his arms and legs missing below his knees and elbows. The book shown above is the story he has written about himself, in hopes to inspire other people to achieve anything. And he actually typed the book himself. So amazing.

But what I found so amazing was, here was this kid who has no hands or feet, and he couldn't have been more excited and passionate about life. He experienced things that most people, typically, get to experience. He played football. He wrestled. He even did modeling. He explained how his parents never gave him any excuses to feel sorry for himself. They never gave him any excuses to stay inside and think success was impossible. They pushed him to do things people never thought possible. And he did. This kid has such an amazing outlook on life, and such a passion to impact other people. At the end of the interview, he said something to the effect of "I found out that this book kept someone from committing suicide. To be 19 and have that kind of an impact on someone, is amazing."

It totally made me think about how often I give myself plenty of excuses. Excuses not to pursue the things I want. Excuses not to do the things I ought. Excuses... for just about anything. Excuses are SO much easier than the pain of pursuing something that's hard. Kyle was talking about when he first started wrestling, and that he lost the first 35 matches he wrestled. He said typically, one would give up after that. He likened it to basketball. If you were to shoot 35 shots, and not make one of them, you might come to believe you were just a bad basketball player and give up. However, he was persistant in learning how to wrestle - how to use his build, his size, and his situation to his advantage. Sure enough, he started to win some matches. Crazy. The amount of dedication and persistence this kid has - brilliant.

So I think I'm going to pick up the book. Sounds totally inspiring. And I don't know about you, but I could totally use a good dose of inspiration. Seems as though too many excuses seem to be floating around...

thanksgiving

I know it's pretty late in the day, but I just wanted to give a little Thanksgiving shout out. It's so amazing... so many things to be thankful for - for needs being met, and the crazy blessings I don't deserve. I am unbelievably humbled by how gracious God is...

Happy Thanksgiving one and all.
For those of you I know, thank you for all you are in my life.
For those of you I don't know, thank you for being you and
being a part of this little community.

Love you guys.

shout out

Alright, can I just give a shout out to the big guy upstairs?

I realize I don't do this often enough (which will be the second part of my post), and that is to thank God for all the stuff he does. So right now, I'd like to give a few SHOUT OUTS to God for the stellar things He's doing in my life right now:

- Gotten the attention of my family about getting holistically healthy
- Provides in a multitude of ways - both when needed and undeserved
- Renewed my hope despite my intermittent bitterness towards church
- Generated mercy in the heart of my Stats teacher to curve our exam
- Gave me the ability to actually MAKE IT through statistics (barely)
- Provided a couple really cool possible job opportunities
- Strengthened relationships I didn't think could be strengthened
- Teaching me patience... HARDCORE!

Now onto the second half of my blog entry. These thoughts came to me today as I was on my way home from school. My last class of the day is statistics, and I was dreading going. I was certain I had failed my exam, and was scared of what that could possibly do to my overall grade. However, I was pleasantly surprised by a passing grade on the exam. Not only that, our professor gave us an 8 point curve. Who does that? I had also learned that we have no class on Wednesday because of Thanksgiving (two of my three classes cancelled - rock the casbah). So, as I got into my car at 6:45, I was flying pretty high on happiness. My first instinct was to throw on a little David Crowder, and shout out some praises to God as I spent 30 minutes driving home. However, I was suddenly hit by the fact that I had not been praising God recently. In fact, I had spent the entire past weekend moping about because of so many reasons (I've gotten pretty good at complaining about how hard it is to "be alone" during the holidays). And here I was, praising God because everything was going my way. Where were my praises when I was at my lowest? Why was I not praising God that I had a roof over my head, food to eat, and a Redeemer who loved me? Honestly, my woes are NOTHING in comparison with so many others... Why is it so much easier to praise God when He "answers our prayers," and not when He says no (which is probably protection), or when He''s challenging us, which ultimately leads to our growth - which is a good thing! I was struck by the fact that even my worship was selfish! So crazy... So at one point, I had to turn down Crowder, and have a little conversation with God... Let's just say, the conversation's still not over with.

As I continue throughout the week, and in the months to come, I can only pray that God would teach me how to have praise on my lips at all times - all day, all night, through good times, and bad (sounds like wedding vows... how interesting...).

So, yeah... had these thoughts on the brain, and decided to share them. It's not that often that I talk about this on my blog, but it's been pretty big on my mind tonight.

I'm so unbelievably grateful to God right now, for all that He's doing... But also unbelievably humbled by the fact that he continues to bless me despite my moody moments where everything is all about me, and how many "oh whoa is me" phrases I can mutter.

Thanks God for putting up with my crap, and rockin' my socks off despite it.

somewhere only we know

Since I've been on a bit of a posting kick and music kick today (well, I'm on a music kick all the time I suppose) I decided I'd post my most recent playlist. Maybe it's because Christmas is around the corner, maybe it's because I've been around a lot of married couples lately, or maybe it's just because I'm a hopeless romantic... But this playlist reflects some of the songs that make my heart happy (and definitely wanting a significant other!) Here are a few songs that I love and adore, and can't seem to let go of...

P.S. - Can I just tell you that I think the idea of exchanging "mix tapes" or "CDs" or I guess now "playlists" is still ultra-romantic? I know, I know... It was such an 80's thing. But I'm sorry. I still think it's one of the greatest things...

Anyway, here's the list:

Somewhere Only We Know

Somwhere Only We Know - Keane
Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray
Different - Acceptence
Fix You - Coldplay
Chelsea - Counting Crows
Stealing Kisses - Lori McKenna
Heartbeats - Jose Gonzalez
Lack of Color - Death Cab for Cutie
Streamside - The Album Leaf
Requiescat - Duncan Sheik
So Are You To Me - Eastmountainsouth
Let Go - Frou Frou
Please Forgive Me - David Gray
Pink Moon - Nick Drake
Such Great Heights - Iron & Wine
Acoutic #3 - Goo Goo Dolls
You and Me - Life House
How - Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories
Home - Michael Buble

I promise to post something NON-MUSIC related in the next couple of days...

jose

Recently on Confessions of a Dangerous Norwegian, Drew posted this link for a Sony Bravia commercial (thanks, Drew!). The commercial takes forever to load, but it's totally worth watching.

It pointed out to me that I forgot to write something on my joys list - Superballs. They're great.

The real reason why I'm posting this though, despite the commercial being fantastic, and superballs being endless amounts of fun, is that there is a song that accompanies the commerical that I have totally fallen in love with. Thanks to an "anonymous" poster on Drew's blog, I found out that the person singing the song is Jose Gonzalez.


(picture courtesy of www.exclaim.ca.)

This is Jose Gonzolez, a new found favorite musician of mine. Ok, ok... I actually only have the one song from the commerical called "Heartbeats" in my possession, but hopefully in the near future, I will pick up the album that it's on entitled "Veneer." I sampled some of his other music, and I really like his sound. Has a bit of a folksy feel to it. But I absolutely adore the song "Heartbeats." It is so beautiful... Supposedly it's a cover of song done by British group - The Knife. I haven't been able to locate that song on iTunes, but Jose's beautiful version of it is available.

You can also check him out (and sample his music) here:
Jose on My Space

So go check it out. All of you!

live at the metro

(My friend Craig snagged this pic at the show... Thanks Craig!)

On November 17, 2005 I had a musical/spiritual experience unlike anything I had ever experienced before. I, along with five other people, drove down to Chicago, IL to see a performer by the name of Matisyahu play at the Metro. I mentioned his album “Live at Stubb’s” earlier on my blog, but the brief plug did not do this man justice. When we arrived at the venue, we were pretty hurried as we were a little late. So, to be perfectly honest, I was too focused on finding a spot for the concert to look around me and soak in the atmosphere. We found a decent spot to the far left of the stage. Because the venue is pretty small, there really aren’t any “bad seats”. There are only bad people to stand behind. I swear, I had to have been one of the shortest people there, and I’m like 5’6” – not that short! Anyway, our spot wasn’t too bad – only a few tall people in front of us. We stood awaiting the show to start. The crowd started to chant “Matis… YAHU!” Slowly, the well-known banner with the Star of David dominating the center, unrolled, only to bring about more cheers. It was at that point that I started to look around me, and soak in the vast array of people groups attending the shows. Matisyahu represents a group of people that are not typically represented in the rock scene – Hasidic Jews. And he was there to represent them, and they were there in response. As I looked around the room, I realized just how full it was of these religious people. Some of them orthodox and very, very traditional, while some of them remained a little bit harder to recognize. Then, there were those who were there because of their love for reggae, and some for their love of hip hop. Matisyahu presents a pretty good blend of both. This group of people all together to see one artist. So bizaare. But so great.

As the show began, I started to realize that Matisyahu’s albums are not a good enough representative of how good a performer/artist he is. His is an amazing live performer. Not only can he capture what seems to me to be an authentic reggae sound, the man can lay down rhyme and rhythms unbelievably well, all the while pointing the focus towards God. He not only presented songs that were spiritually driven, he also called the audience to “let go” of things that distract us and “cover over” God. He shared an experience of his from earlier in the evening. He had dined with a Chicago rabbi who told him a story about Holocaust survivors and the amount of faith and belief they had, despite the wretched evils they faced during the Holocaust. It was such a sobering, passionate and inspiring story, and one of the most spiritual experiences I’ve ever experienced in a concert. He called for a moment of silence… Silence…At a concert… Brilliant.

One of the things I think is so cool about Matisyahu is his non-traditional approach to the music scene. I saw a pod on him on Current Television, where he talks about the fact that he eats kosher while on the road, he prays and studies Torah every day, and does not participate in the typical “rock star” activities. He’s happily married, and he and his wife actually just welcomed a new little baby into their family. It’s so cool to see someone with such amazing music talent not giving into the “usual” way of rock star living. And he definitely could be considered a “rock star.” The show was sold out. The audience loved him. They screamed and cheered. They lingered around forever until getting kicked out by security. And yet, he is so strong in his faith, and sings so deeply from his soul. Again, brilliant.

The show had its moments of hype, its moments of contemplation and reflection, and what in my heart were “God” moments. I got to experience the concert with five of my friends, which only added to the greatness of this show.

Matisyahu is an amazing performer. If you have the chance to check out any of his albums, I highly recommend it. And if you have the chance to see him live, definitely don’t miss out on that opportunity. He’s going to explode in the music scene… I can pretty much promise you that. He’s amazing…

You can see more pictures on my flickr account (check out the link on the right) and I will hopefully have a better, more well-written review of the show up on Relevant at some point in time.

joy, part 2

A while back I started part one a "100 Joys" list, an idea inspired/started by Justin & KFinn. This is the second half of the list, again in no particular order. These are just a few things that bring a major smile to my face, and I rather enjoy engaging in.

Ladies and gentlemen... Joy, part 2.

51. Random conversations with Sally Kalbas
52. Good thrift store finds
53. Conversations about creative ventures
54. Scarves
55. Trying to learn how to skateboard with friends
56. Any Gilmore Girls conversation
57. Live music shows – MATISYAHU NEXT WEEK!
58. Artistic elements other than music to worship God
59. Unexpected gifts
60. Notes of encouragement
61. Chuck Taylor Converse tennis shoes
62. IKEA
63. Old bookstores
64. Watching little kids try to play Hide N’ Seek
65. Catching up with long-lost friends
66. Random trips to no where
67. Roasting marshmallows
68. Going to the zoo!
69. Playing Scrabble
70. Watching Jeopardy with my mom
71. Seeing sci-fi movies with my dad
72. Discussing personality profiles & birth order
73. Momentary bursts of insane silliness
74. Singing in my car at the top of my lungs
75. Reading through old journals
76. Pillows
77. The SEMP Tootsie Pop tradition
78. Wave Games
79. Reading my friends’ blogs
80. Giving gifts (especially themed ones!)
81. Milwaukee’s Gallery Night
82. Doodling
83. Blowing bubbles
84. Building with Legos
85. Walking around the city – especially Chicago
86. Boats
87. Shoes, shoes, and SHOES! (Pumas anyone?)
88. Fresh Ink Cards
89. Listening to music my dad grew up listening to
90. Shooting stars
91. Fireworks
92. Freaks and Geeks (the show)
93. Taking pictures
94. Getting lost (only if I don’t have to be somewhere)
95. Watching two people get engaged (at a Ben Folds concert!)
96. Bowling (any takers? Amy?)
97. Oversized hoodies
98. My sister-in-law’s “holiday tree”
99. Sitting by candlelight
100. Writing a “100 Joys” list for my blog

being a girl

Being a girl.

I've had a lot of thoughts about this as of late. I know, that sounds weird. I've been a girl for over 25 years, you think I'd be used to the idea by now. But I guess you could say that I've always wondered about gender and the roles of gender, and it's been on my mind a lot lately. I'm not sure if it's because two of my five classes focus a lot on gender roles, if it's because that maternal instinct thing has been creeping in a ton, making it really hard to subdue the deep desire to get married and have a family, if it's because I find myself submersed in a world of interest that is typically dominated by men (music & film) or if it's something subconscious, that I'm not even aware of... But for whatever reason, I've been thinking about gender, femininity and my role as a female.

I'll apologize now for any male readers who are like, "What? I don't want read about femininity!"

This past weekend, I was contracted out (that still sounds so funny to me) by Imago Media (my brother's production company) to work at a conference down in Springfield, IL. I have worked as a part of the production team for a youth conference for the past four summers, and am pretty familiar with doing the CGs for worship. I am pretty familiar with the program Keynote, which is why they asked me to go along. However, I really struggled while we were there. Here I was, one of the only girls in the room (with the exception of 2 female union workers - but let's just say, they're not the most pleasant people you'd ever come across), toting around huge equipment cases, and feeling VERY unfeminine. Even my brother and I had a conversation on the way home about it. I said that there are often times where I feel like just letting a guy do something for me, even if I can do it myself, just so I feel more "girlie". Like, being incapable, weak, or soft are requirements for being a girl. My brother assured me this wasn't the case, but winding up cable snakes, pushing around 15 foot screen cases, and loading a Ryder truck don't exactly mirror the epitome of femininity, you know?

And then there's the whole music thing... I have yet to meet a girl who's nearly as obsessed with music as I am. I'm at least a little comforted in the area of film. I'm surrounded by female film students at school. However, I'm still stuck with being the only girl I know who's TOTALLY into music. A couple weeks ago, I was supposed to go to a Guster concert with my brother. He ended up being REALLY sick and couldn't go. I scrambled to try to find someone to go with, and the only people I could come up with who had even heard of Guster, were all guys. Now, this isn't necessarily a bad thing, except for the fact that all of my guy friends who are Guster fans have girlfriends or wives, making it a little awkward to take a trip down to Chicago with them. I ended up finding a girl friend of mine who just thought it'd be fun to go along, but it again awaked me to the fact that I feel very alone being female and a complete music junkie.

There are other areas were this is the case too - where I worry if I'm not "girlie" enough. Sometimes I wonder if that's why I've only dated one person in my entire life - I'm not girlie enough, or I don't fit some sort of "girlie" mold like I'm supposed to. Sometimes I wonder if that's what's "wrong" with me. And yet, I have to believe that the stereotypes that we're fed through the media of what a "woman" is, or what true femininity is, is completely skewed, horribly innaccurate, and almost impossible to achieve. Proverbs 31 supposedly gives such great examples of what a "woman of God" is supposed to be... And yet, I still struggle with the everday descriptions that we're handed. I struggle with feeling like I don't completely fit the mold, and that everyone around me knows it and is aware of it. I don't by any means want to make it sound like I'm a tomboy - I'm really not. I had my days of being a tomboy when I was younger. I do however, definitely have some very girlie traits: though I don't necessarily sport it, I love fashion and learning about fashion, I can't wait to be a wife and mom, and pray every day that I will be blessed with both those positions, I have an undeniable love for animals (real and stuffed... I just had to part with two dozen stuffed animals. It was a sad day. Doesn't get more girlie than that.), I rather enjoy pink, bubble baths, writing notes, watching chick flicks, and of course, having a good cry.

However, it's just weird when I have those moments where I feel as if I'm breaking some sort of female code because I live, eat, sleep, and breath music, or because I like to work on stage crews, or because I'm into video/graphics stuff, or because I like to watch shows with my dad like Myth Busters, Monster Garage, and Orange County Choppers. I've always thought it'd be fun to restore an old car. I like to watch sports. And I even like to play video games.

Does anyone else ever have those moments, and I'm not just talking about femininity - but where they feel like they're so outside of what society tells them they're supposed to be - how they're suppoed to act, what they're supposed to be interested in, what they're supposed to look like?

Or am I a lone duck on this one?