Anxiety and panic are nothing new to me. I get completely anxious about exams, I get really panicky when it comes to meeting new people (even though I don't usually let it get in the way of meeting new people) I get nervous about giving speeches, and there are other things I could list... But today, today I experience one of the most panicky situations I've experienced in a long time... It's going to sound kind of silly now, but at the time, it seemed oh-so-real.
I was on my way to school this afternoon. The weather was pretty crappy as it has been the past couple of days - lots of rain, lots of gray. As I got closer to Milwaukee, I reached the section of I-94 where it begins to split off into all the other major freeways, typically a high traffic area. Today my side of the freeway was pretty clear, however, the other side was totally jammed. I was right by the Marquette exit, when I looked on the other side of the freeway and saw a bus pulled over on the side of the road with cop cars behind it and along side it. Now, normally a bus on the side of the road wouldn't bother me THAT much, but today, it freaked me out! As I passed the bus, I looked at the windows, and there stood all these little kids with their hands up on the glass. They had such worried little faces, and there were so many of them! All of a sudden, 8 million thoughts ran through my head - ridiculous thoughts - what if there's a hold up on the bus? What if there's a bomb on the bus? What if something is seriously wrong and all those little kids are in danger? My heart dropped for a moment... I never felt such a surge of urgency in my life. The odd thing is, it was probably just a flat tire, or an overheated/stalled engine, or something silly. The police officers didn't seem too concerned. There wasn't anything on the radio (trust me, I checked all the traffic stations). It didn't make the news tonight.
So what actually happened with that bus? Why did I get so panicky, flipping through every station possible to see if I could find out what happened? Did I really want to know what happened? How did my anxiety go from 0-90 in like 2.2 seconds? And where was my faith that God had it under control?
For some reason, the phrase, "Just trust in God." has almost sounded cliche to me lately. How bad is that? The being in whom I entrust my entire life with, I can't even say that I do or should trust him. But for some reason, when there's a tough situation, and someone says, "Just trust in God" it just sounds like we can just sit back and not do anything. That just because God is in control, we can sit passively by until he figures it out and lets us in on the plan. I don't know that I believe this to be true. Do I believe God is in control? Yes. But do I believe in the word "just"? No. Most definitely not.
I do not by any means have this mastered... heck no. Sometimes, I find myself going in the opposite direction. I am TOO proactive, and forget about who it is that's at work (or trying to be at work) in me... Sometimes I'm too prideful/selfish/blind to see that God's like, "Oh hey, remember me? The one who can give you strength? Wisdom? Guidance?" However, this phrase "Just trust in God". I hear it so much, that often times, it makes me cringe.
Anyway, I decided when I was about 5 minutes away from the bus that there was nothing I could do. Obviously, the police had it under control. It's not like I could just pull up and say to a cop, "Hello. I'm Tory Dolan. What seems to be the problem here?" I'm sure they had it under control. And I had to just let it go, or I would continue to be anxious the rest of the day. But for whatever reason it made me start thinking of this idea of letting go vs. passivity, and passivity vs. activism. Knowing when the situation is indeed completely out of your hands that really all you can do is trust in God, or whether it's a cop out... Pushing, fighting, figuring it out is too hard, and so you therefore JUST TRUST IN GOD, instead of coming along side God and working through it with his help, you know?
Those were just a few of the thoughts that formulated after the bus experience today. It kind of started me thinking about the idea of what is within my means to act on, and when I just need to relinquish it to God... Any thoughts out there on this? I don't think it's a cut and dry issue, but I'm just curious if you guys have ever felt that struggle between the two. When am I just giving up and not putting for the effort, and when is it that God is calling me to let go? Let me know if you have any thoughts. I'd be interested in hearing them.
2 comments:
Yeah I tend to struggle with this question myself. Most recently when I wanted to volunteer help with the Katrina aftermath and I was told that unless I take a class that was no where near here at the time I could not help, and then when I did find help it was working in a call center during hours they designated.
ALl I wanted to do was help yet I eventually ran behind the "god is un control" and figured out that I wasn't needed. I know this isn't the same as the bus incedent, but it did have me look in a situation where it was already under control and I didn't need to do anything.
But knowing that if it were his will I would have been called for it...yet I don't know what his will is for me so I just keep on keeping on until I get there I guess. Sometimes it's so very hard to let God in control no matter how good or bad of what we desire.
I had a similar experience lately and I think that my struggle with what to do was actually a gift from the Holy Spirit. I recognized a situation where I had the opportunity to pray very hard for some people (this meant leaving the room so I could focus) or just sit there in my seat and say that it was out of my control what they thought about what was going on. I think your concern for that bus could be part of your spiritual development of the gift of compassion. I think in times where we don't know what to do about a situation, God is calling us not only to trust in Him, but to engage in prayer with Him. It is a chance to grow. Which, Tory, you obviously are!
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