dimensions

I’m fascinated by dimensions. I am literally dumbfounded by how many different dimensions there are to a person - traits, interests, quirks, temperament, love languages, passions, and everything else that makes up the different sides of each person. I love that some of these dimensions are “hand-me-downs,” things passed on from generation to generation. While other things are learned, acquired, and sought after… I love living in a world where there are so many unique individuals with the capacity for a multitude of interactions.

But like everything, there is a downside to these multi-dimensions… This downside can occur when instead of complimenting each other, these differences collide.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this idea lately... I guess you could say that a simple Christmas gift is what started this rabbit trail of thought. At Christmas, both my dad and brother received a Rubik's Cube – a toy my brother played with as a child and found VERY frustrating. After a while of twists and turns, he found it so frustrating he took the stickers off and tried to rearrange them. When that didn’t work, he then took the whole cube apart and put it back together in order. Way to defeat the purpose, hey?

But it brought an interesting thought to mind. If people are so multi-dimensional, it’s no wonder we have communication errors, broken relationships, and personality conflicts. There are so many different combinations, so many things that need to line up just right in order for things to work – just like a Rubik's Cube needs to be lined up according to color in order to be “solved.”

However, I wonder how many of us respond to these multi-dimension conflicts in the same way my brother responded to his Rubik's Cube? I wonder how often, instead of putting in the time and effort to “crack the code” or to solve the puzzle, we try to cheat our way there. My brother was young, and my not have understood the point of the Rubik's Cube… He just knew what the end product was, and wanted to get there as soon as possible. And I know there are times where I’ve done that with people… I’ve glossed over a conflict, or a gap in communication in order to make the relationship what I wanted it to be, or so that I could continue on my merry way without a whole lot of hassle.

But what would our relationships look like if we were able to spend more time trying get things aligned the way they’re supposed to, where our differences compliment instead of collide? How would our communication change if we recognized the many dimensions people own, and worked on trying to better understand them? And how much richer would our dimensions be if we only gave each other room to exist in them?

It can be a long, and frustrating process. It can seem near impossible at times. But it can be done. A Rubik's Cube CAN be solved, and people CAN learn to understand each others dimensions.

It all depends on how many twists and turns we’re willing to endure.

tunes

Music is good for my soul.

I just got my own "space" at work, and of course, I need to have a handful of CDs by my side to listen to. Therefore, I've been making a few different mix CDs. Recently, I've been obsessed with piano. It's always been a huge love of mine, but just recently, I seem to be searching high and low for more good piano tunes. I've gotten a few suggestions from people which I have loved - so thank you!

This is the current playlist I am hooked on. It incorporates a LOT of piano, but also a lot of the acoustic/folksie sound...well, with some other stuff thrown in there too.

9 Crimes Mix

"Nice, Naive, and Beautiful" - Plumb
"Lonelily" - Damien Rice
"Waiting For My Real Life To Begin" - Colin Hay (thanks Graham!)
"Can't Complain" - Nickel Creek
"Proof" - Colplay
"Go" - Plumb
"Thinking It Over" - Dana Glover
"Come Back Down" - Lifehouse
"Rooftops and Invitations" - Dashboard Confessional
"Hymn" - Cooper (thanks Joshua!)
"Shine" - Tina Malia
"All of My Days" - Alexi Murdoch
"So Long, So Long" - Dashboard Confessional (yay Adam Duritz!)
"9 Crimes" - Damien Rice
"Hallelujah" - Cooper

There are a lot of repeat artists on there I realize, but what can I say... I love their music! I suggest you check out Cooper on iTunes - really fun music. Check out his self-titled album, and also his album entitled "2." Sort of Ben Folds, meets Rufus Wainwright, meets Coldplay, meets Keane, meets Aqualung, meets The Fray. Hahaha... Yes... There's a little bit of all in there! Also, check out Alexi Murdoch - a Nick Drake kind of fella.

Ok friends... That's it for now. Music updates to come in the near future. I have a CD in the mail by a Canadian band called Pilate, and I'm also hoping to order the new Mars Hill worship album rather soon.

Until then, keep the music suggestions coming!

greeting

I absolutely love Christmas! There are many reasons why I love Christmas, but it is easily my most favorite holiday. There seems to be something magical about it... something romantic, something awe-filled, and something so great - I'm somewhat unable to describe it.

So, in honor of it being the beginning of December - one of the greatest months simply because it contains one of the greatest holidays, I bring you a Christmas greeting from Sufjan Stevens.

Great holiday. Great music. Does it get any better?



Thank you Sufjan, for welcoming us into a snow-filled start to December.

scaffolding

I don’t typically like change. I guess you could say I’m a sentimental sap to the core. I much prefer “the original” over the “upgraded” version. But alas, over the years, I have given in to the new fangled toys, giving up on my "originals" that may be broken, or in some cases, just aren't as spectacular as they once were.

I’ve heard plenty of rants about how we as Americans always want more, and are always looking for better - that we’ll tear apart perfectly good highways in order to have one that allows more traffic. Often times, instead of fixing something, we will just replace it… It’s just easier to replace, than to fix what’s broken – especially when it has the potential of breaking again, right? And sometimes, we just want what's new and shiny. We’ll get rid of our sedans and opt for the bigger SUV which of course, is the car of Americans. (Note sarcasm. *wink*) But I think we bypass the beauty in restoring what is "old" with this idea of getting “bigger and better”

I live in an area of the country where construction abounds… Maybe it’s like that everywhere in the U.S. It seems that everywhere there is some road, some bridge, or some building under construction. I work in the city, and so every day I take detours to avoid such construction. However, there is this one building that I pass on a regular basis. The entire building is encased in scaffolding, and when I say entire, I mean ENTIRE building. There doesn’t seem to be one piece of the building’s edifice that doesn’t have scaffolding attached to its side. I took a picture of it, which unfortunately didn’t turn out… Hopefully, I’ll have one for you soon because it’s absolutely amazing! Typically, I wouldn’t be drawn to this sort of spectacle. I mean, it’s just some old building being restored, right? However, this building is huge and is visible from many different parts in the city – it’s hard to miss. And I’ve come to LOVE this building. Any time I drive anywhere near it, I come close to a collision because I’m simply fascinated with this idea of restoration – the idea of updating the building, restoring its original beauty. During my moments of awe and near-collision, I began to think about the scaffolding. While I've come to think it looks pretty cool, to most, it makes the building look really ugly. However, I realized that it serves as a visual for the building’s future. It may look ugly for the moment, but it’s in the middle of an overhaul, about to be completely revitalized.

This thought moved me a step further. I have been writing a great deal about the church lately. I know, I know… You’re all probably pretty sick of hearing my “woes” about the church. But this is somewhat a continuation of my thoughts on authenticity. As I began to search where my hurt and disgruntled demeanor towards the church stems from, I realized that it’s due to the fact that I don’t believe God’s children have mastered the art of being authentic. The Scriptures provide us with all the ways in which we should live, and to be honest, it can be a little daunting. But instead of saying, “Hey, I don’t really measure up,” we try to mask it with the “I’ve got it all together” façade. I think we’ve become so good at trying to look already restored that we ignore our scaffolding. Plus, it’s ugly… who wants to proudly display it?

We are in a constant state of being renewed and restored – just like the building I drive past regularly. We don’t have it all together. We have scaffolding strapped to both sides, and are in the process of being renewed by our creator. We are being stripped of the old, the destructive, and all that is unwanted. We are being given back that which is missing. And yet, we try to hide the fact that we're there... that we are broken, and in need of restoration. We put sheets over the scaffolding and hide the ladders. We cover up the parts that are currently being worked on, and emphasize the parts that maybe don’t need as much work.

What would happen if we embraced it? What would happen if, like that building, we could be seen, flaws and all, by everyone – Christians and non-Christians alike? What happens if we were willing to restore the brokenness, even if we knew we might once again somewhere down the road be in the same mess all over again? What would the church look like if we allowed ourselves to be seen as a work in process?

Maybe if we were able to let the sheets fall, we might be able to be renewed together.

duck duck goose

Let me introduce you to D – a five year old with one of the biggest pouts known to man, and the most furrowed brow I’ve ever seen a little girl display. She wears this face rather often, and it’s quite a site to behold. One cannot help but laugh when seeing her disgruntled demeanor. However, I find it interesting and yet humbling that this face, her demeanor, taught me one of the greatest lesson’s I’ve learned recently.

D attends a tutoring program I help run. She started the tutoring program pretty late in the game and has only been there a couple times. Yet somehow I managed to be the one to have an interesting interaction with her.

One night, I noticed “the face.” She was sitting in the middle of the gym floor, obviously upset about something. I sat down in front of her, and inquired her about her saddened disposition. With tears streaming down her face, she cried aloud, “No one will play duck, duck, goose with me!” I held back my laughter at her seemingly ridiculous plight. I realized that to a five year old, this was serious business. I pointed out to her that there were many other children playing jump rope and basketball, and encouraged her to join. My advice was met with a strong headshake, and her crossed arms grew tighter. I told her that it doesn’t matter if we really really want something, it might just not be what we get. Obviously, this sort of advice never goes over well with small children. After realizing she would not magically be enlightened by this thought, I went with some good advice my dad gave me – let them come to their own realization. Ask questions.

I looked at D and said, “Are you having fun? Do you like sitting in the middle of the floor crying? Because to me, playing jump rope and basketball looks like a lot of fun, but I don’t know about crying. Crying doesn’t seem like fun… are you having any fun?” She looked at me as though I had just asked her the most stupid question in the world – which I suppose I had. However, it worked. Her demeanor started to change. She suddenly realized that her friends were having way more fun than she was, even though it wasn’t playing duck, duck, goose. I then asked her, “Should we make a good decision and start having fun, instead of sitting here NOT having fun?” At this point, she wiped the tears from her eyes, stood up, and determined we should play basketball.

During my drive home, I snickered thinking about D and the interaction we just had. It was then that my laughter slowly turned into a dreaded realization. I have a friend who used to ask, “Were you just hit by a holy 2x4?” Now, I realize that’s somewhat of a cheesy statement, but it was totally true in this case. It was as if God said, “Oh yeah? Know anyone else who sits on the floor pouting when they don’t get exactly what they want?”

With the holidays upon us, it’s easy for me to be saddened by the fact that I will be spending yet another holiday season single and childless. I can't wait to carry the title "wife" and I hope and pray for the day when I can finally have children to call my own (I especially hope to adopt). And for the past couple weeks leading up to Thanksgiving, I was dreading having to spend the holidays alone. I was like D, sitting in the middle of the floor, pouting, asking God why yet again, I have to do this. And this has not been the only thing on my list. There’s been my car which isn’t 100% satisfactory to me, I don’t have a place of my own, I haven't been able to backpack across Europe yet, and the list goes on. These things that are all such "serious business" to me, of such great desire, probably sound like “No one will play duck, duck, goose with me.”

Then, I thought about this: There are people this holiday season who literally have no one - no family, no friends - no one. There are people who don't have a place to sleep, or a place to eat, or even a place to feel safe. There are people who don't have any transportation, and are required to use their feet to travel many miles. There are people who haven't seen anything other than their neighborhood. When thinking of these things, my simple and somewhat lofty desires seem so unimportant.

I do not mean to say all these things aren’t important – some of them probably are. In fact, I have friends who are struggling to have children, and it is a very serious thing for them. These situations are important to God. But the lesson I learned from D went a bit further. How often do I sit with my arms folded, refusing to engage in all the great things around me just because life didn’t turn out the way I had hoped? Yes, it’s ok to desire things. Yes, it’s ok to be sad when they don’t happen. But what if I’m missing the rest of the riches God has for me because I’m don’t have what I deem as “most important”. What if God has something so much more wonderful to show me in the games of jump rope and basketball?

By no means have I moved beyond the game of duck, duck, goose that my little friend D has… I still have my pouting moments. But the 2x4 definitely left a dent in my head that will be hard to ignore.

stories

Tonight, I was able to hang out with one of my favorite kids - we'll call her K. She's a total blast, and SUPER smart. I love it when I get to spend time with her at tutoring.

We worked our way through math facts and worksheets, she did her reading, and we moved onto one of my favorite activities - writing stories. So, K and I decided we'd each write a story, and then share them with one another. For a frame of reference, K is in 3rd grade, so roughly 8 or 9 years old.

Without further ado, the stories of K & Tory.

The Mouse Who Was Lost
by K

Once upon a time there was a little animal. It was a mouse. The town name was Mousetown. He was lost in a store. He could not find his mother. His mother was a mouse too. He went to the cashier and said can you call my mother up here. Then he left with his mother. Then they lived happy ever after. The end.


Sniffles, then Giggles
by Tory

Once upon a time, there were two princesses named K & T. Both of them were very beautiful and lived in a huge palace. They had a dog named Sniffles who always had a cold. He would sneeze and sneeze and sneeze and no one knew why. One day, K and T tickled him so hard he stopped sneezing, but couldn't stop laughing. They changed his name to Giggles instead. The end.


I love stories.


(image taken from www.stickergirl.com)

kids

Recently, I have been thinking about my job and how much I love the kids that I work with. There are times where I don't know how I feel about my job, but it's the kids that make it totally worthwhile. Seriously, the times I get to interact with them are so special. I absolutely love when I get the "Miss Tory, come here I want to tell you something!" and get a whispered secret. Or a little hand that slips into mine. Or getting to read a book with them, teach them Bible verses, or just play with them. I cherish the moments I get to spend with them.

However, there are also times when it's really hard. There are times when I hear stories of how tough their loves are - the things they have to see at such a young age, the things they have to hear, experience... things they shouldn't have to face at such a young age. So many of them are asked to grow up way too quickly. And some of them don't have a lot of the conveniences we have either. I recently got ringworm - kinda gross, I know. But I was thinking about what I had to pay to treat it. Granted, it seemed somewhat cheap to me. Being without insurance, I was glad I didn't have to pay $60-80 for a doctor's appointment. However, it made me wonder how many families that I work with couldn't even afford to pay what I did for treatment, and how many kids have to go without treatment.

There are times where I find myself wanting to help them all... I want to make sure they have food to eat, good clothes to wear, and maybe even a few toys so they can enjoy their childhood while they have it. But I know I can't help them all... I don't have the means to provide for them all...

But that is why I LOVE the fact that I get to spend time with them. I love the fact that I can give them hugs, pat them on the back, and hold their hands - even if it means that I get ringworm. I love the fact that I can help them learn their numbers, their letters, how to say please and thank you, and even give them a little bit of structure. I've realized that even though I can't provide for them with tangible items, that I can love them to pieces and let them know what great kids they are.

Yay for kids.

dare

I don't really believe in omens, or signs, or any of that superstitious stuff... However, I do find it interesting that the one topic I cannot seem to get a grasp on and have been avoiding for about 2 years, has raised its head in a few interesting and significant ways this week.

The topic: Church.

My friend Joshua started a photographic community on his blog. How it works is that he comes up with some sort of topic, and then asks his readers to send him pictures that follow the chosen theme. His most recent theme was "I am the church." He is in the process of preparing a sermon about the church, and what exactly "the church" is. He writes, "I am the church. You are the church. The people are the church. The building is not the church. The music style isn't the church. The doughnuts and coffee aren't the church. We don't go to church. We are the church. We are the hands and feet of Christ." Many of his readers are from different countries, so he asked for people to submit their photos with the phrase "I am the church" in their native tongue. Pretty sweet, if you ask me.

I had missed the first photo community opportunity, and did not want to miss submitting something for this one. However, here's the irony of it all...

A couple of weeks ago, I decided to attend Epikos. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Milwaukee, or do not know what Epikos is, it's a church plant (through the Baptist General Conference) on the East Side of Milwaukee. It meets right in the heart of UWM town, and is surrounded by the "artsy" folk. I have been to this church gathering quite a few times in the past, and haven't really felt as "connected" as I would have hoped. However, I also never really gave it much of a chance. After a service a couple of weeks ago, I felt really challenged about how I so quickly brushed it off. What you must know about Epikos is, it feels VERY similar to another community I was a part of - a community that fell apart at the seams and was really hard to watch collapse. I didn't and am still not sure I want to be a part of something that feels so similar to that. However, I felt that comparison was really unfair to the Epikos community, as well as the pastor, and so I sent an email to Danny - the pastor of Epikos, apologizing for my "write-off."

Danny and I decided to meet up for coffe to discuss "my journey." While it felt a bit like a psychiatric visit, it was also really good for me to talk about my experiences in ministry, and my frustrations with "the church." I explained to him how my head and my heart have been mutilated by the things "the church" has done not only to me, but more so to other people whom I love very much. It has been incredibly hard for me to see "the church" as the bride of Christ - something that is loved and cherished by God. However, as I talked with Danny, I realized I had a lot to work through, and I had to realize that I can no longer look at "them" and say "the church" as if I'm somehow not a part of it. If I am a Christ-follower, that means I am a part of the collective "church." I cannot seperate myself from it.

As I was setting up some stuff to work on for this photo project of Joshua's, I struggled with whether or not I should even do it. Do I really believe the picture I am creating? Do I really believe that I am the church? And can I really have such anger and frustration with the people we call "church," when I myself am just as much a part of it as the next person? As I looked through the pictures I took, I really had to think long and hard about how I felt, and whether or not I could stand behind the statement "I am the church."

Then, as I was driving home today, I had an interesting experience. For those of you who know me, you know that I absolutely LOVE lightning. For whatever reason, I feel really close to God when I'm amidst a storm, and today I drove home through a pretty ugly one. Lightning and thunder, sleet and snow... It was nasty. But for some reason, I felt really close to God. Here's where we come to the "I don't believe in omens" part. I really don't believe in them, I promise, but this struck me as interesting...

I had my iPod on shuffle, and the song "Dare You to Move" by Switchfoot came on. Now, I've heard that song a thousand times before. The radio stations here played it until the public finally cried "Uncle!" But tonight, I was struck with the lines of the chorus: "I dare you to move/ I dare you to move/ I dare you pick yourself up off the floor." In those words, in that moment, I felt such a strong sense that I simply need to move. I need to take that risk again, and invest in the beauty (and at times, ugliness) of those around me - the church. I need to risk the hurt, the pain, and everything ugly that comes with a bunch of broken people. I need to lean on them, and let them lean on me, even if it means at one point, we let the other one fall.

My brother once made an interesting comment to me. He said, "God can't steer the car if it's in park." Now granted, I'm not making a statement about the sovereignty of God. If he really wanted the parked car to move, he could totally do it. However, I love the idea behind his statement. God can't direct me/guide me if I'm not even moving.

I dare you to move.

I dare you to love my church again.

I dare you to BE the church.

I've still got a long way to go in this journey, but I'm now at least feeling an urge to move... Instead of staying parked where I am, dwelling in only the ugliness I see in the church, I will move forward, and strive to see past it - to see the beauty that can only come through brokeness.

(To see more of the "I am the church" photographic community project, visit www.thelongbrake.com.)

beck

As many of you know, music is a HUGE passion of mine, and I take it very seriously... However, I love it when artists are able to NOT be so serious about music, and just enjoy themselves, making music that is fun and entertaining...

Justin, a friend I met through Relevant Magazine, posted this video on his myspace blog today (THANKS, JUSTIN!). I was so unbelievably amused (as I am with most things Beck touches) and thought I'd share this with all of you. It's Beck's performance on SNL a couple weeks ago.

It made my heart happy...

questions

Have you ever reached a point in your life where you simply said to yourself "I don't get it..." but you so desperately wanted to "get it"?

When I was in elementary school, I was a math whiz. We'd have timed tests, and I always faired pretty well. Granted, I was rarely the first one done, but my scores would have made any parent proud. As I approached junior high, and started to learn algebra, geometry and trigonometry, math proved to be no harder than elementary school. I was homeschooled, making my way through a book by a well-known organization known for being good, but somewhat tough material. Junior high math proved to be fairly painless, and I felt ready to take on high school math. I had a wretched Algebra 1 class, setting me up for what would be one of the worst acedemic paths of my life. I didn't get it. Math was so easy for me as a kid, but I couldn't do an Algebra problem to save my life. I did poorly in Algebra 1, barely made my way through Geometry, and nearly failed Algebra 2. When I reached college, I had to take an Algebra class. At that point, I didn't get it, but I didn't care. I hated it with every bone in my body, and knew I was headed for trouble. I also knew that another math course lurked around the corner. However, after 2 takes of Algebra, and 2 takes of Statistics, I was done with math, raising my hands to the sky and praising the Lord with my whole being. No more "I don't get it" statements... Well, at least as far as math is concerned.

I was thinking about my math struggles the other day. There were so many moments where I said, "I don't get it." Math made no sense to me, and it just wasn't connecting in my brain. However, the interesting thing was that I didn't care. I didn't care if I ever knew what a variable was, or if I could differentiate between statistics. I simply didn't get it, and didn't care.

I have been struggling a great deal in my faith lately. As many of you know, I've had a couple rough church situations in my life time. My faith in community has been bruised over time, and I'm not totally sure it's anywhere close to healing. Lately though, I've come across a few questions in my spiritual journey where I've simply said "God, I don't get it." I've come across things that make absolutely no sense to me, that don't click in my brain. However, here's the difference: This time, I do care that I don't "get it."

I've found myself in a state of deep frustration, where I've questioned a lot, doubted more than usual, and have even argued a bit with God. I've talked about my love for questions. I absolutely love to ask people questions, including God. I remember reading Job, and it scared me away from questioning God for a very long time. But I believe questions are good. I believe they help us move past the "I don't get it" and onto a deeper understanding.

I remember in my first attempt at college Algebra. I sat there dumbfounded by how much I didn't know as a 19 year old. I was so embarrased that I couldn't do a simple Algebraic equation. Because of my embarrassment, I didn't ask any questions. What I realized is, that by not asking any questions, I didn't get any answers. I just continued with my "I don't get it" mentality, resulting in round 2 of College Algebra.

I'm at a point in my life right now where I don't get it - I don't get why things are they way they are, and I have a LOT of questions. But I believe that the questions are good. I imagine they will play a vital role in my moving past this stage.

I can't wait for the day when I can say, "Ok, this is now starting to make more sense."

(image by theRIAA @ www.sxc.hu)

paste

Zach Braff graces the cover of Paste Magazine's October issue. He talks about his latest movie "Last Kiss" and his future plans doing all the crazy things he does. I love the tag on the cover of the magazines that says, "Zach of all trades: Zach Braff is the quadruple threat. He writes. He directs. He's the 'Floating Head Doctor.' And he helps the Shins change your life."

And speaking of music, the mag comes with a sampler CD with some pretty stellar artists. Artists such as: The Decemberists, Amos Lee, Sparklehorse, Ben Kweller, Ani Defranco, and other artists I was unfamiliar with but have come to enjoy.

So check out the October issue of Paste Magazine, and get yourself some good tunes.
It's worth the $7.95 you pay for it.

(Picture taken from www.pastemagazine.com)

writing

As you may have noticed, my blog has been lacking decent writing as of late. I have only been writing about work, with a few music/movie suggestions thrown it. While that is all well and good, and I'm excited about my job and the new things I've been listening to and watching, these are not the things I always want to write about, or even how I want my writing to look. However, as I've mentioned briefly before, I'm having a really hard time focusing on writing. I'm having a hard time getting to the things I really want to write about, and I'm also not dedicating the kind of time to writing as a writer should. I should be writing every day. I'm lucky if I write once a week.

I've come to a big realization - I've not been writing for the pleasure of writing, I've not be writing in order to strengthen my skills, I've not been writing because I have something really great I want to share...

I've only been writing because I want to be able to say "I'm a writer." I write because I feel like I SHOULD be writing. I write to impress. I want to wow people with my words. Here's the problem... If I write to fit some sort of mold, or because I feel like it's something I HAVE to do, I'll come to resent it. I won't (and don't) always impress. I won't always wow. There won't always be people who want to read my work.

What needs to drive me is my love for writing, which is something I think that I've lost sight of. I've recently had a couple discussions with people I admire greatly for their creativity, ability to write, and their wisdom when it comes to writing. What I've learned is that I've become an impatient writer. I expect to write well the minute I sit down to write. But as with most things in life, it takes time and discipline. It takes time to get through the junk, it takes fragments of thoughts, lists, random sentences, and unfinished ideas before you get to the good stuff. It takes lots of writing then scratching, editing, re-writing, researching, dreaming, imagination...

Maybe that's the heart of my problem... I've lost my ability to search my imagination, my ability to dream. I've lost my drive to find new things, go on new adventures, and seek out the unknown. I can't seem to create those places, those people, or those ideas in my mind anymore. Instead it's been replaced with laziness, busyness, work, and the everday commonalities that distract from the brilliance that lays beneath it all.

So my blog may be a work in progress. It may look pretty ugly over the next few months as I spend time doing more private writing, and less public writing. It might be fairly fragmented, filled with unfinished thoughts and ideas. It may not even look any different at first... But hopefully, it will begin to change over time into something I can say I took great joy in creating...

far away

It's been a while since I've created a playlist to share with you all. I had a really hard time creating a playlist this evening for whatever reason. Maybe it's all the new music I've come across and had recommended to me. Maybe it's my strong affection towards music I've owned for quite some time now. But in any case, here is the new playlist called "Far Away" that I've created. It was inspired. That's all you need to know about it.

Far Away

"Tech Romance" - Her Space Holiday
"Chocolate" - Snow Patrol
"Coney Island" - Death Cab For Cutie
"Hum" - Electric President
"One and Only" - Teitur
"The Fear You Won't Fall" - Joshua Radin
"Sundress (Acoustic)" - Ben Kweller
"Remember to Breath" - Dashboard Confessional
"A Lack of Color" - Death Cab For Cutie
"Look After You" - The Fray
"Sewn (Radio Edit)" - The Feeling
"Green Grass of Tunnel" - Mum
"An Accidental Memory In The Case of Death" - Eluvrium

I can't get enough of the last song. It's just plain piano music, but it's absolutely beautiful, and I love it. So this is it... What's currently tickling my ears.

Love it.

Hate it.

Ignore it.

I love it.

All that matters.

I {heart} today

Today was a great day.

There is no amazing story, no really great moment... just an all around good day.

First of all, I woke up late. Now, most people would consider this a bad start to the day. However, I called my boss to tell him I'd be late, and he couldn't have been any cooler about it. I walked out the front door when the warm air immediately encompassed me. The sun was shining, and the weatherman told me it was going to be 80 degrees. 80 degrees on October 2. Brilliant.

While the kids were a bit squirrely at work today, I had a great day. I was able to accomplish a fair amount of work.

Enter post-work funness.

My good friend Sarah and I decided to meet up for dinner. I drove over to the east side of Milwaukee, and we walked to the new Whole Foods that was just built. For those of you who are not familiar with Whole Foods, it's a whole lot of organic goodness. However, despite the fact that they have amazing amounts of food bars, we decided to head to Beans & Barley instead, one of my favorite restaurants in Milwaukee. We sat outside on the patio, and enjoyed the thunderstorm as it began to roll in. We then headed to my favorite coffee shop (Alterra) and walked home just as the lightning started to strike.

On our walk home, we stood at the top of a hill overlooking Lake Michigan. The sky was dark, the wind was blowing, and you could hear the sound of the waves lapping and leaves dancing across the ground. It was beautiful.

As I drove home, the thunderstorm began to pick up... I rolled my window down, allowing the wind to fill my little car. I listened to "Lightning" - a song that is on Counting Crow's demo CD, and "Transatlanticism" by Death Cab for Cutie - my favorite song by them and a song I can listen to over and over.

That's when the rain let loose... When I got out of my car, I couldn't help but stand and let the rain have it's way with me. It was a great moment... I need to do that more often.

I am now at home, enjoying some missed television. Has anybody been watching Studio 60?
Good stuff...

I {heart} today.
It's been a while since I've enjoyed a day as much as I did today.

sos

The other day, a friend of mine was telling me about some movie that was coming out. She said it had the word "sleep" in it, but couldn't remember the actual title. I hadn't heard of any movie with the word "sleep" in it... until today.

I was watching a recorded episode of "Scrubs" when on comes this commercial for a movie entitled "The Science of Sleep." I noticed it had the guy from "Motorcycle Diaries" in it, and found it to be slightly amusing at first. Then, I heard it... A film by Michel Gondry.

I've written about my love for Michel Gondry before. The most obvious example is "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" - a movie I bought even before it was out in stores (I've got the hook-up at The Exclusive Company!) However, what first got me into Michel Gondry's work was his work with music videos. The first time I saw the video for The White Stripes "Fell In Love With A Girl" I was hooked. Also, some of you may have seen his work with other artists such as Bjork, Kylie Minogue, Beck, Hot Hot Heat, Kanye West, and other artists.

Gondry's use of stop motion is so cool... Even though I have an extreme dislike for Jan Svankmeyer films (who is well known for his use for stop motion) and he somewhat tainted my feelings about stop motion, I think that Gondry does a good job with it and uses it tastefully.

I'm really, really excited about "The Science of Sleep" - even though I was pretty late finding out about it. Thanks to my friend who SORT OF gave me a heads up!

You can see the trailer here.

You can visit "The Science of Sleep" interactive website by going here.

The movie comes out this Friday at the Oriental Theater...

I'm excited!

personal

I find it interesting... I struggle to write blog entries when I have a lot of things consuming my thought life, especially when those things are extremely personal. The same goes for writing articles for Relevant Magazine's website - I can't seem to write them when the stuff I'm going through is too personal. You'd think "tough stuff" like that would generate some good writing material... However, I wonder if the thought of having a lot of people - those close to me, and those not so close to me, reading things that are very deep and personal is the very thing that is paralyzing me.

I've journaled a little bit about it, but have you ever had those moments where some of your own thoughts are scary to you to the point of not being sure what happens if you speak them or write them out? Where you're like, "Why in the world am I thinking that way?" or "Where did that thought come from?" Don't worry, they're nothing extremely terrible. But they are just thoughts that I'm struggling to get rid of, struggling to work through, and it's causing a bit of a writer's block for me to post here.

So thanks for being patient with me. Hopefully, I'll be able to post some more in the near future... Gotta work through some more of these thoughts though first.

nothing

Hey folks... Sorry I haven't been writing much lately. Typically, I love to write blog entries, and write about what's going on in my life. However, I don't want to always write about work, and that seems to be what's consuming my thoughts as of late. I haven't really had a whole lot else going on... Therefore, I haven't had much to write about.

I will keep brainstorming about a good topic to write about. However, I didn't want to be MIA for much longer, so I thought I'd write a random post about nothing really... Just little tidbits from my life.

Movies I want to see:
"Last Kiss" with Zach Braff
"Half Nelson" with Ryan Gosling
"All The Kings Men" with Sean Penn
"The Prestige" - with Christian Bale

(oh, and by the way, I think I'm at like movie #30 on my list from the summer)

Fall Shows I'm excited about:
Lost - I seriuosly cannot wait for the season to start!
Gilmore Girls
Scrubs - I can now get caught up with it being in re-runs

Music I've been listening to:
Joshua Radin
Mum - Thanks to Longbrake for the suggestion
Snow Patrol - I was late getting on that bandwagon... good stuff
Get - a band I found on MySpace

Fun things happening this weekend:
Going apple picking with my mom this morning
Tailgating with Cataldo & friends for her birthday
Lazy Sunday (and I don't mean the SNL sketch)

Ok crazyees... that's it for now... I promise to post a more interesting post sometime in the near future.

nemesis

So, a while back, there was this little invention called "Myspace" where people could meet new friends from all over the globe. However, what if making new friends is not really what you're all about? What if instead of making friends, you could make enemies...

"Myspace was created so that friends could keep in touch with each other, but until Nemesis Village came along, there has never been a place for enemies to keep in touch with each other and meet new nemeses...until now..."

I heard about this new thing that's coming to the web - Nemesis Village. Imagine if you will, a sort of "virtual fight club." The project is very hush hush right now, and is still under construction, but it will function as a network of enemies, archrivals, nemeses, and pretty much any other word you want to come up with for it. Apparently, it has rigorous tests one must go through in order to be accepted as a "villager." However, the little information I have is a bit sketchy, so enter at your own risk.

As I mentioned before, the site isn't fully functioning yet... but keep checking back for the dawn of a new era...

Click here to visit the village...

curveball

Well, as always... Life threw a curveball. As it ended up, I didn't get to meet any of the teens tonight. It was kind of a sad reason - one of our staff had a family emergency. But at the same time, I couldn't help but laugh at the fact that I'd been worried all week, and then it didn't even happen...

I'm so good at worrying...
Maybe this was just one of the many lessons to come in working towards NOT worrying.

teenagers

Today I finish the first week of my new job. Have no fear, I will not chronicle every day I work there... Just this first week. However, I felt like today might be a good "before and after" post. I don't have to be to work until 2pm today because I've already put in enough hours for the week. However, today is the day I've been nervous about all week.

I'm definitely the kind of person who much prefers somewhat structured social settings, especially when it comes to meeting new people. For me, if I am involved in some sort of activity, I like to have a "job" to do... I guess that's just how I'm wired. I thrive in situations where I can be working on something and interacting with people at the same time. But when it's a situation where I just have to "be" and not "do," I tend to struggle a bit more... and that's what today will bring me.
Enter: The teenagers

As a part of my job, I will be a part of what's called the Teen Drop-in Center. It serves as a place where teens can come to hang out in a safe place. The thing is, I don't really have a responsibility other than to just "hang out" with them.

Up until this point, I've pretty much been dealing with kids ages 5-8. Little kids are really easy for me to connect with, and so up until this point, it's been pretty fun meeting a bunch of them. However, jr. high and high school is a whole different ballgame. They're much more picky about who they choose to associate with, they have more expectations of people, and they don't always want an "old" person hanging around them, especially one who's supposed to be considered an "authority" figure.

Tonight, I will have to stretch way beyond my comfort zone, and I'm really nervous. You'd think with having worked with both jr. high and high school in the past, I'd be totally ready for this. But this is a different situation, on multiple levels. Theoretically, I know it probably won't be that bad. I'm even hoping it'll be a total blast. But there's still that part of me that fears the unknown and is nervous for the teenagers to arrive.

I will try to post again tonight AFTER the event... Hopefully, it'll be an entry telling of great interactions and amazing conversations.

(image found here.)

elevator

Why is it that elevators are one of the most awkward places in the world? Seriously, have you ever had it where you're in an elevator with someone else that you don't know, and you think to yourself, "Should I say something? Should I keep quiet?" The only thing you can think to talk about is the weather or stupid small talk, which is never a whole lot of fun - especially if the other person isn't into it. You feel like a dork staring at your feet or at the changing numbers, but you also know that you cannot, no matter what, look at the other person in the elevator unless you plan to say something. I don't know about you, but I think that's what elevator service men were for - you know, the guys who asked you what floor and pushed the button? They functioned as the ice breaker... It's their job to make small talk and be friendly not only to you, but the other people in the elevator as you all ascend to a higher floor. I think that the elevator service man position should be brought back. I think it should be a requirement for all elevators. That way, when I have to take the elevator 15 different times in one day, I won't have those awkward moments of "Do I say something... or continue to stare at my feet?"

Day two at the new job went well... Minus the awkward elevator moments.

day one

Who can say they got to jump rope at work? I CAN! I CAN!

Today was my first day at the Milwaukee Rescue Mission. After going through some initial "first day" stuff like paperwork and meeting with HR, it was time to help out with lunch. Yes, that's right... Yours truly functions as a lunchroom monitor 3 days a week, which of course is followed by RECESS! Things seemed really awkward up until recess time. There I was, trying to assist kids while they ate their lunch - I mean, chip bags and milk jugs are hard to open after all! I didn't know ANY of them. I didn't know any of their names, and I didn't really know the other people assisting either, making the whole situation a little strange. However, all of that awkwardness was put aside for 15 minutes of fun - RECESS! A little girl came up to me and asked me if I would hold one end of the jumprope while her and her friends jumped. I also very quickly became "home base" for a game of tag as well. Quite fun.

Overall, my first day went pretty well. I will say, I'm a bit overwhelmed. There's just a lot of different things to remember because there's a lot going on. I am really excited about most of the things I am a part of, and extremely nervous about two of them. I'm assisting with the junior high release time (junior highers aren't always as "welcoming" as kindergarten, first, and second graders) and I'm also helping with the teen center - both of which make me nervous because they're slightly out of my element. However, I know that after time and after I get to know the kids, it will be a lot of fun.

As with every new job, it's normal to be nervous about things and feel the discomfort of not knowing anything and being the "newbie." I'll just be excited when I can move past the "learning" part, and I can move on to enjoying it!

Good day though... More updates to come.

new

With lots of "new" things going on in my life, I figured why not give my blog a new facelift as well! So, without further ado - welcome to my new blog. But, I'm not going to leave you hanging. Here are a few tricks to the new blog...

Here's the scoop behind the "Pull" tag above.

Now, I'm not sure how many of you out there use Safari as your web browser, but for some reason, it seems as though the Pull Tag doesn't work on Safari. I haven't had any problems with it on Internet Explorer or Firefox, so I'm not sure what the deal is. I will continue to work on figuring it out, but I'm guessing not a ton of you use Safari (or, if you do, you probably have Firefox or IE as well), so it's all good for right now.

Once you click on the Pull Tag, another window will pop down. This has all the info and links I had listed on my old blog. So, for those of you who use my blog to link to a bunch of other blogs, have no fear - they're still there. There's also a navigation menu which is pretty cool.

I like the Pull Tag because it allows simplicity. My entries are really the only thing that appear on the main page, which is nice, but the pull tag allows me to keep all my original links and information. SWEET!

Comments are a little different, and I'm still working to revamp what they look like. Currently, in order to leave a comment, you click on the number that is listed after the Entry Title and Post Date (it's a darker color, so it blends in... I'm working on fixing it). I really want to hear your thoughts though, so click on that number in order to leave one!

I am really interested to hear what you guys think of the new layout. If I get enough "I hate it" responses, I may change it back. I also want to know if you have problems with any of the links or the pull tag. So send me your thoughts and comments!

mrm

Well friends, the time has finally arrived... I have a job! Let the celebration begin!

And, it's exactly where I wanted to be - The Milwaukee Rescue Mission, more specifically, Cross Trainers which is their youth division. I had applied mid-July for an administrative assistant position with Cross Trainers Academy - a new school that the Milwaukee Rescue Mission just started. I interviewed for that position towards the end of July, but they decided to go with another candidate. However, they then invited me to interview for another position with their youth ministry - another administrative assistant position. I interviewed about 2 1/2 weeks ago, and was officially offered the position today. I couldn't be more excited!

I start on Monday... My position is sort of being "created as we go" because they're still not totally sure what all their needs will be at this point. But currently, it looks like some of my duties will include your typical administrative duties: data entry, filing, typing projects, photocopying, etc. But will also include: assisting with classroom setup, doing something during the academy's lunchtime (I'm not sure what that entails yet - serving, or lunch monitor?), assisting with the tutoring program (including greeting tutors/students, and helping to make sure things are going smoothly), watching a student while he waits to be picked up by his mom, being a chaperone while taking kids home from school... and I'm sure a whole lot more!

I can't even tell you how excited I am... I have been praying for this job for a while. My family has been praying. My friends have been praying. My family's friends have been praying... I'm so grateful to God for this opportunity. As my friend C-Sliw would say, it's a PG moment (Praise God).

Anyway, I wanted to let you all know that I am about to embark on a new era of my life, something that totally excites me but I know will also stretch and grow me a great deal. I'm anxious to see what's ahead! There are also some other cool bits of news that are "in the works," but I'll save that for another blog.

For now, I'm just going to continue to be excited for this amazing opportunity I've been provided with! I'll keep you guys posted as to how things are going.

If you've been praying for me, I can't thank you enough. You have been a constant encouragement as I have waited for this opportunity to arrive. Thank you.

Here's looking to what's ahead...

(For more info on the Milwaukee Rescue Mission, check out www.milmission.org.)

starving jesus

It was a gorgeous day. The sky was bright blue, barely any clouds in the sky, the sun was shining and the weather was in the mid-70s. It was the perfect day to head to the beach, or take a walk outside, and enjoy the perfect day that God had created. And that’s exactly what I did. I spent the day in the sun, in a neighborhood known for drug deals, gang activity, and prostitution. It was glorious!

My friends Katee and Mark are on staff with an organization called The Lazarus House, which also happened to be the location for day 25 of the Starving Jesus Tour lead by Craig Gross (of XXXchurch.com and author of “Dirty Little Secret”) and JR Mahon. The goal of the Starving Jesus tour was to challenge churches to get out of the pews, and out into the community. And that’s exactly what the Lazarus House does.

The Lazarus House considers itself a "going" ministry. Rather than expecting people to come to some beautiful building, or attend amazingly constructed church services, they go out into the neighborhood, meet kids and families on the streets surrounding the Lazarus house, build relationships with them, and serve them in whatever way they can. They have a summer program called wRap Kidz where kids learn about being wrapped in Jesus arms of love. During the afternoon prior to Craig & JR's message, we met with the children of wRap Kids for what could have been called their "summer finale." There were hot dogs and hamburgers, games, face painting, and fun for all. The day provided some fun (and a bit of a distraction) from homes that are abusive, homes that are often low on food, and in some cases, homes they don’t even want to return to. This is the case with one little boy who ended up stealing my heart. As I headed down to this unknown and slightly dangerous neighborhood, I prayed for God to show me something new - to open my eyes to something I had never seen before. And open my eyes he did... through a six-year-old little boy.

I met this little boy early on in the afternoon. He often hangs out at the Lazarus house just to avoid going home, which happens to be a crack house. During times where he cannot be at the Lazarus House, this little six-year-old wanders the street alone. He wears a tattered pair of shoes, which also look about two sizes too small. He rides a tiny skateboard around with no padding whatsoever. But he has the biggest heart of any six-year-old I’ve ever met. He helped me create a sign that would be used later in the evening, and it didn't take very long before he had captured my own heart. Later on in day, I was helping with "Inflatable Bowling,” and he was helping me set-up the pins after each kid had taken their turn. At one point, I said, "Thanks so much for helping me! You're awesome at this, and I couldn't have done it without you! You're such a great helper!" He simply said, "I know. It’s what I do."

That thought stuck with me the rest of the day and I can’t seem to shake it. He said, "I know, that's what I do” as if it was silly of me to have recognized his help. It was almost as if he had said, "Why WOULDN'T I be helping?" It seemed like such a no-brainer to him to be helping. Often times, I wonder why we as Christians, when it comes to reaching out to our community, serving the poor and the oppressed - don't say, "It's what I do” or “Why WOULDN'T I be helping?"

My heart was challenged by the simplicity of his statement. Without thinking, without complaining, without looking for recognition, he saw a need and he jumped in. As I tried to set up 3-foot, inflatable pins, hold kid’s ice cream, and attempt to keep some order, this little boy saw that I could use some help – and jumped in immediately, without even being asked. It was a no-brainer to him. How often is it a “no-brainer” for me when it comes to helping? It is so easy for me to create reasons why I can’t or shouldn't help. It’s too dangerous. I don’t have time. I don’t know how. What if I fail? But this six year old showed me that it should be “what I do.”

I watched as my friends Katee and Mark, the directors Ron and Donna and the rest of the interns who work at Lazarus house shared every ounce of love they had inside, and gave everything they have to these kids. I was absolutely amazed by their willingness to give, and to see them living the way God designed us to live. I walked away from my day spent outside amidst God’s creation – and spending time with God’s creations - with new eyes, and a challenge to get out of my own pew, and into the community.

[For more information on the Starving Jesus Tour, check out www.starvingjesus.com.]

hello, my name is Tory

...and I'm afraid of meeting new people.

Most people wouldn't know this about me, but I'm extremely shy. I can hide it pretty well in that I am usually able to put on a smile, an outgoing nature, and carry on a fairly decent conversation... and also conceal the fact that inside, my stomach is in complete knots. I used to think that I was just shy around guys, but have learned that it's pretty much around anyone I don't know. I have no idea why I get so nervous, but I do. I try to think of intelligent things to say - nothing comes. I try to be witty - I come out sounding cheesy. But the worst is when I can't think of anything at all, and I stand there biting my lip, playing with one of my rings, or scratching my head (yes, it's an odd nervous tick that I have... it's quite funny to witness, I'm sure).

I had a conversation with a couple different people about my fear this evening... There are, of course, some pretty obvious answers as to why this problem may have formed. First of all, I would much rather communicate via writing. Ever since I was a little kid, it was more natural for me to write my thoughts down - whether it be journaling, writing letters to my parents, writing poetry, sending emails, having conversations over instant messanger, (maintaining a blog) - I have always preferred writing. This may cause a reason for my fear of face to face interaction with people I do not know very well. Other reasons may be my over analytical mind (darn it - I think too much!) or the fact that I don't like to have surface level conversations and therefore try to avoid them at all costs.

However, something struck me even harder - how much this "fear" is a hinderance. Sure, I'd love to meet the man of my dreams and get married someday. But this is not the hinderance that worries me the most - that I'll be too shy to say anything to a guy I'm interested in. What worries me the most is how I've allowed this fear to keep me from meeting my neighbors and the people in my community.

My parents started this thing last year where we have our neighbors over once a month for a soup night. The neighbors that come over are neighbors I've known since I was a little kid. Growing up, I played with their kids and so it's not so scary talking to them. There is even a family that lives next door to us that I do NOT know very well, but find it fairly easy to talk to. However, I think about all the other people in our neighborhood I do not know. And there is one house that comes to mind. It is a house that's on the opposite end of my street. There is a group of mentally challenged adults who live in that house, and they are some of the sweetest people in the world... I have seen them on walks a couple times, and have fallen in love with them from afar. I have thought to myself numerous times "I would love to go down to their house and spend time with them." I'm sure I would learn a great deal from them. But every time I think about it, I get the biggest knot in my stomach. I wonder what I will say, how will I act, what activities I will do with them, and wonder if they will like me? And because of that fear, I have yet to go down to that house and meet my neighbors.

I think about the people I meet as I walk down the streets of Chicago who ask me for money. I can remember a trip I took just recently where I took the train downtown, and then walked to the art museum. I probably came across 4 different people who had cups out, and were asking for money. I put some money in their cup, and continued on my way. It wasn't until I found myself walking alongside of a man who began telling me his story. He was missing an arm, and was out of work, and was wondering if I could help him in any way. I listened intently to his story, handed him enough money for a meal, put my hand on his shoulder, and said, "I hope this little bit helps..." and started to walk away. He said, "You're an angel, but I suppose you're going to leave me now, huh?" And I continued to walk away... As I did, tears filled my eyes. I knew all the man wanted was someone to talk to, someone to share his story with. How fearful and nervous I got when I realized I might actually have to have conversation with him. What would I say? I know nothing about being in his position... What kinds of questions would I ask him that wouldn't offend him? I had no idea what to say or do, so because of my fear, I walked away...

This is the thing that saddens me the most... That this fear - this fear of meeting new people, interacting with people I don't know, spending time with someone who is so totally different from me - is keeping me from being able to reach out to others, and in return, allowing them to reach out to me. It has kept me from volunteering my time, it has kept me from making new friends on a daily basis, it has kept me from seeing Jesus in other people, and being Jesus to them...

I just finished reading Shane Claiborne's book "The Irresistible Revolution." I've already mentioned it a ton, and I will not hesitate to recommend this book again - it's amazing. Please, pick up a copy. However, I think reading it has messed me up a bit. It has made me realize I have used this "fear" of mine as a crutch for too long, and it's time to start making some changes. It's time for me to move past this fear. The thing I need to realize is, it's ok to take baby steps. I don't need to take a huge leap, and meet everyone I come in contact with. If even I take one step each week, I must celebrate that victory - no matter how small. I have to tackle the small hills before I climb the mountain, you know? Nobody runs a 10k without running every day, slowing adding more and more distance to their route.

So with that being said, I'd like to introduce you to myself.

Hello, my name is Tory... and I'm going to conquer this fear.

hub

I was at a surprise 50th birthday party tonight for one of my most favorite people in the world - Mike DeLong. Mike DeLong - lovingly still referred to as "P.Mike" used to be the senior pastor of my old church, and tonight we celebrated his 50th. I got to spend the evening with people I consider family. It was a great evening of conversation, and I realized just how much I enjoy dialogue with different people. I talked with one woman about my possibily going back to school for elementary education and about her job as a reading specialist (which is what I want to be). I talked with another woman about adoption (she and her husband are trying to adopt from China) and about my desire to one day adopt. I had conversations with different men about their places of employment (hey, a girl's gotta network when she's unemployed!) and I even had a conversation with my friend's dad about inappropriate hand gestures while driving (random, I know). But there was one conversation I found really interesting...

There were about 4 or 5 of us that got talking about blogs... Since our church split up, we've all sort of gone our seperate ways. Most of us see each other on occasion, but not nearly as often as we used to. Our blogs (well, at least the youngins who have them) function like the "news" - reporting what's going on in our lives. The thing that I found interesting, is one of my friends referred to my blog as the "hub." If you'll notice on my sidebar, under "meet and greet" I have an ever-growing list of other blogs that I read. She called it the "hub" because it includes almost all the blogs she reads on a regular basis, so she can just zip through the list and access them all via my sidebar. Some of the listed sites are family members, some of them are close friends, and some of them are friends I've never even met in real life. A few of them I met through Relevant Magazine that even though I have never met them face to face, I read their blogs and have even had extremely encouraging conversations with some of them! (Speaking of which, congratulations to Dave & Verity Sandell, and Justin & Kerry Wise who got married this month!)

But as I began to think about it a bit more, I realized how cool it is that I am able to access a wide variety of blogs... Each person has a different background, a different life story, differen passions, different talents, different everything - and I have access to some of their thoughts, some of their dreams, some of their silliness, and some of their passions. I feel so honored to have a list of people who let me in on a little bit of their life, and in turn, take the time to read some of my random thoughts as well. People from Wisconsin, from Canada, from Michigan, from Illinois, from Iowa, Indiana, Texas, Texas/Virginia/Ohio (hahaha - Jeffrey!), Minnesota, Washington, (I gotta work on finding some international blog friends!)... I have loved reading and dialoguing with each and every one of them... I have learned and been challenged so much!

As dorky as I sometimes think having a blog is, it's really a unique form of community. Not only do I get to keep up with people who I don't get to see as regularly anymore, but I also get to learn from some really cool people I don't even know in person. So to all of you who have a blog, or sometimes frequent this blog: thanks for sharing with me as we journey together.

purpose

I am about to enter day 27 of my “vacation” – also known as unemployment. I realize, that’s not a very long time for a person to be unemployed – especially being in the position that I am in with not a ton of bills or responsibility hanging over my head. However, the past few weeks I have started to feel a nagging sense of purposelessness. I’m not entirely sure that’s a word, but it should be because that is how I have felt the past couple of weeks – that I have absolutely no purpose. Granted, this may be due to how I spend my time. During the first couple of weeks, I engaged in all sorts of things that I love to do – writing, drawing, painting, photography, reading, etc. As the weeks went on, I found it easier and easier to watch TV and surf the internet. The amount of time I wasted doing those things probably fueled the way I was feeling. I began to wonder why I might be feeling the way I was, and landed on the idea that it was because I don’t have a job. Yeah, that’s it – that’s the ticket! I mean, why wouldn’t someone who is not currently a part of corporate America, earning a wage, and “putting in time” feel as though they have no purpose? However, tonight I came across an image I had drawn in my journal, and began to wonder if maybe it wasn’t the lack of employment that was causing this feeling of purposelessness… but something else.

I drew the above picture about 4 months ago. I was a part of a high school event this summer where we had students identify the things that have molded them as a person – their personality, their roles in life, their passions - and then express it through a collage. We did not want them to create an image of what they look like physically, but rather a representation of who they are inside – the characteristics and passions that make them unique. As leaders, we were challenged to do the same. I didn’t create a collage (those of you who know my journaling habits will know why) but instead wrote words and phrases that captured who I am.

My words represent the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. They are things that have molded me into the person that I am today. I even drew some void spaces to represent the parts of me that are still being formed – and being transformed.

As I looked over this image tonight, I began to notice four words that stuck out the most: God, Love, Mercy, and Creativity. These are four huge areas of my life. I continued to look over the image and realized that nowhere had I written “job” or “career” or “employment.” I find it interesting that I didn’t seem to think that it was something formational to who I am. I have had good jobs over the years – really good experiences. And yet, I couldn’t help but consider what made those good experiences.

The same four words kept leaping off the page as I continued to study the drawing. I began to realize that my purpose and my identity were strongly represented by those words – God, Love, Mercy, and Creativity. God has given me purpose, and that is to love and show mercy to his children… and creativity plays a huge part in that. I was just reading in Shane Claiborne’s book “The Irresistible Revolution” about how Jesus was imaginative in how he chose to show his love and spread the gospel. These four words are at the heart of my purpose – not where I work or who I work for. These four things can exist in every location – not just a job… I can even show God’s love and mercy in creative ways without having a job or a paycheck.

I am nowhere near being able to let go of my anxiousness about not having a job, and I still struggle with placing my purpose in that. However, I’m continuing to learn that my purpose lies elsewhere. And while job hunting is a pain, at least I’m not hunting for purpose.

family

Growing up, I had a very tightly knit group of friends that we referred to as "the gang." Obviously, not the most ingenious name ever created... But this group was special. I have never, and probably from this day, will never experience the kind of community I experienced with this group. There were about 15 of us, and only a few of them are pictured above. I grew up with a good portion of them - I mean, literally grew up. I have known 3 or 4 of them since probably the age of 2. The others in our group joined in about 5th or 6th grade, and even a few became a part of our group in high school. But we were so close, we were like family. I was reminiscing with my good friend Bethany (who I've known since I was 8) and her husband Jared (who I've known since I was 2) about our group of friends, and how we're hoping to have a reunion next summer with all the spouses and kids. I'm one of 4 people in our group who is still unmarried and without children, so it'll make for an interesting event. But I'm so exicted to see these people... I have such great memories of laying on a trampoline late at night during the summer, having deep conversations about everything from God to relationships. Memories of playing night games at our friend's summer home in Michigan. Camp memories, going to Mexico together, going to each others proms and banquets together, celebrating life together... My years spent with this group of people was so formational to who I am today.

My good friend Brandon also just recently wrote a post about a community we used to belong to (which is actually the reason why I wrote this post). Our community was a group of young adults, those in their early to mid 20s, called "The Gathering." This group was unique, and also formational to who I am today. I feel like I was blessed twice with two different communities to call family. The cool thing is, that's how God wired us up - to live in community. And I feel blessed that I found two different communities that I could call "family." The picture above is the young adult ministry I was a part of, as well as the high school group I volunteered with. We took a trip to Georgia to help the Habitat for Humanity Headquarters get their Global Village off the ground. The Gathering was known for spening many hours at Starbucks (for many of us, including myself, worked there) discussing everything from coffee to how we could better love our community. We had road rallies, trips to the Brownhouse Compound, nights of Xtreme Worship, The New Years Experiement, a trip to hear Rob Bell speak even though we were the odd kids out, lots and lots of Sonlife training, movie nights, Thanksgiving Dinners, Easter Breakfast (with some of the best french toast known to man!), and all sorts of other things. This built-in community was amazing - I knew I could count on them for anything...

But, like all great things, they don't last forever. I am no longer a part of either of those communities... And as hard as it is to sort of "float alone" without a community to call my own, I think it's also a really good thing because I'm starting to really learn what community is, and I'm also starting to learn to lean on God a bit more... I'm still kinda learning what that looks like. I've leaned on my friends for so long that leaning on God doesn't seem to come as naturally for me. But the relationship that has been forming lately has been so awesome. I feel as though I've been able to be really honest with God, open with him, and communicate with him in ways I haven't been able to in the past. It's interesting, and I'm curious to see where it goes. I have been without a community for about 2 years now. I have friends here and there, but not one strong community. I've just recently landed in a church I think I will be able to call home for a while, and I'm excited to see what kinds of "community" await.

Thanks to my friends Bethany, Jared, and Brandon for giving me a good trip down memory lane, and also for reminding me just how good God has been to me in the past in providing family. I can do nothing else but believe he'll provide "family" for me again in the future, and I can't wait to see who the members are!

inside

From the Inside Out
Hillsong United

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine
When all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine
When all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine
When all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

I wanted to share this song with you... it moved my soul tonight as I heard it for the first time. It beautifully captures where I am
and where I want to be...

joy, part 3

Quite a while back, I posted two different entries entitled "joy." Tonight, I believe I will write a list entitled "Joy - Part 3." I had a bit of a dark day today... Nothing happened to me personally, just a lot going on in my head and my heart. But, it is very easy for me to dwell in sadness... Instead, I shall share with you my joys... Some of them may be repeats from my first two lists as it's been a while since I last read over them, and some of them will just be things I'm really thankful for... Without further ado, here is my current "joys" list:

1.) Rain dances with Amelia Rabelhofer
2.) Elephants... could there be a cooler animal?
3.) Power outages... Ok, not for obscene amounts of time... but there's something so cool about sitting by candelight and playing with flashlights!
4.) Running into old friends
5.) Little kids driving the "truck" carts at the supermarket who tell me they're driving to the zoo to see the ephalants, giraffes, fishies, froggies, and dinosaurs (yes, there's a dinosaur exhibit at our zoo)
6.) Flipz White Fudge Covered Pretzels... oh yeah... rock star!
7.) Late night conversations with random people (like Jen Howver!)
8.) Good documentaries
9.) Finding a "Short Stories From The New Yorker" book on sale for $7!
10.) Little kids... man, I hope I get to be a parent some day!
11.) Used bookstores
12.) Old buildings that look like they should be a part of "The Shining"
13.) Playing the game Telephone in church (yeah, we did that)
14.) The color orange
15.) Newsboy caps
16.) Alterra Coffee by the lake - such a great place to hang out!
17.) Adjustable shower temperatures... I take showers for granted.
18.) Books by Mo Willems...look it up.
19.) Polaroid pictures... old school baby!
20.) Smiles from elderly people - love 'em when I can get 'em!
21.) The song "Dancing Generation" by Matt Redman
22.) Worship lead by Brandon Grissom
23.) The city of Chicago... does it get any cooler?
24.) Trains... Craig K - you've opened my eyes to a love for trains!
25.) Carpet squares
26.) Maniac Mansion for Nintendo - the original
27.) Resurrecting old-school Christian music
(Whiteheart "Powerhouse," baby!)
28.) Getting comments on my blog from people in different countries
29.) Choose Your Own Adventure Books
30.) The Cosby Show

Ok, that's enough for now... maybe in the next week or so, I'll put up another list. Just writing all of these gave me joy... Knowledge of and compassion for the darker things in life are needed, but there should also be a time to rejoice in the amazing things life (and God) graces us with... These are just a few.

resolution solution

Last summer, I received a freelance writing internship from Relevant Magazine. Relevant is located in Florida, but offered long-distance internships for college students. I was in desperate need of 3 credits that were at a 300 level or above, and the Relevant Magazine internship seemed to come a perfect time.

I remember the first assignment I received from them: I was to write a review for their website on either a book, movie, or album of my choosing. Sweet deal! I love all three, and was excited for my first assignment. Music is probably my strongest love out of the three , and so of course, I decided to go with that option. I found myself debating for a few days about what album I wanted to review. I pondered reviewing an artist I was extremely familiar with so that I might create a well-informed, passionate review. But the fear in me suggested reviewing a new artist so that in case there was some music junkie out there who was smarter than me, they wouldn’t have much more knowledge on them than I would. Well, to play it safe, I decided to go with the second option and review a new artist. At the time, a plethora of new artists were emerging, and with the popularity of The Killers, I decided to review the band “The Bravery” – a rival band of The Killers. My first review seemed to go fairly well, and I received some decent feedback. There were even a few readers who posted the review on their blogs. My first assignment was fairly successful, and I was ready for the next one.

My second assignment, and pretty much every assignment from that point on, was to write an editorial for their website. I had a week to write the article, with no idea what it would be about. I happened to catch a conversation at school where a girl was lamenting her lack of “coolness” and how she would sell one of her ovaries to have an iPod. I found the statement intriguing and decided to write an article about sacrifice. The article was called “Ovaries for An iPod” and to this day, probably remains the best article I’ve written for Relevant (or in general, for that matter). My second story, too, turned out fairly well, and ended up in their e-newsletter. However, after that second editorial, it all started to go downhill.

My next few stories tanked with the readers. I got one bad review after the next. People were calling into question my thinking, my response to situations, and even the way I felt about things. I remember feeling really rejected, and thought that maybe I really WASN’T a writer – that I had just had a couple strokes of good luck with the first two. However, I began to realize something about my writing, and even my way of thinking… I don’t come to any resolutions. I had a couple articles where I offered insight, but the majority of my writing asked more questions than it gave answers. I didn’t have a good handle on life, and it came out in my writing.

Switching gears to present day, I am currently unemployed, and have a lot of time on my hands. I’ve been keeping myself occupied with plenty of TV and computer playing. However, I realize how quickly this will become unhealthy, and decided that I ought to be more productive with my time. I've been playing with Photoshop more (which, I suppose is still my computer, but at least it felt productive, not just reading one blog after the next), trying to improve the little bit of graphic design skills that I possess. Yesterday, I even tried my hand at painting again. Painting and I have not gotten along together in the past, but I thought I’d give it a go. It proved to actually be a lot of fun. However, I realized that I have been avoiding any sort of writing. I have written a few blog posts, but they've been pretty pathetic. I thought about the children’s book I wanted to write, the articles for Relevant I wanted to write, but more so, I thought about how I just wanted to write… to write just for the sake of writing. I have been avoiding the big knot in my stomach. Something about writing brings about a great deal of frustration, and I haven't been in the mood to figure out why… until today.

Today I decided that I would be dedicated to writing. This is actually the first time I have sat down to write in a really long time, so you’re getting the brunt of it. All apologies. This is probably the longest blog post I’ve ever written, and as you all know, I have written some crazy long ones. However, today, I decided to face my frustrations and just write… even if what I write comes out as an ugly beast.

In the process, I realized what my problem is… It goes back to when I was writing for Relevant Magazine. I don’t have any resolutions. I have a lot of questions, but not a lot of answers. I have a lot of ideas that start out great – about life, about God, and about love, but I never really get to the “nuggets of wisdom.” I don’t have a way to wrap up, and I don’t have a nice bow to place on it when I’m done. I noticed that a lot of my blog entries end with “I am still learning.” Or “I don’t know where to go from here.” I think that may be the reason I stopped writing for Relevant. I didn’t have any answers. I felt like I was doing too much searching to offer any advice on anything. Good writers present a reason for their writing, or at least have some sort of “epiphany”. At least, that’s how I’ve felt for a long time… But as I read more, and as I learn more about my style, I realize that I like unfinished, I like unpolished, and I like questions more than I like answers. Questions lead to more questions, which in my opinion, lead to more learning. Answers seems so concrete… Questions leave room for growth.

So while I haven’t come to a “resolution” solution, I think for now my solution is this: Write. Write like my life depends on it. Write continually, even if it’s painful. Write even when it’s ugly. Write even if there are more questions then there are answers. Hopefully, I’ll learn and grow from my writing. Hopefully the pain will bring healing. And hopefully somewhere within the ugliness, beauty will emerge.

itunes

I have to say, I have not fully tapped the magic that is iTunes... However, iTunes is both a brilliant and frustrating thing. Just this evening, I learned about a Coldplay song I had never heard of entitled "Proof." Thanks to D.Brown, I found all sorts of new Coldplay tunes - which is awesome! But here is my problem: Too much new music coming out altogether too often. I can't keep up. EPs and LPs, singles, bonus tracks...There is so much to search and explore on iTunes. It is both a blessing and a curse for a music junkie like myself.

Thank you iTunes for providing me with a magical musicland...
and an empty wallet.

violin

I am a bit of a music junkie, as many of you know. I absolutely love music - all kinds of music. I do have my moments of being picky, but slowly, I'm making my way into loving something from every genre. Polka still isn't very high on my list.

Over the past few years, I have tried my hand at a few different instruments. I started playing piano I believe around age 9, and played through my sophomore year of high school. I'm pretty rusty, but I still love to tickle the ivories whenever I'm around one. I got a guitar for my 21st birthday, and know a total of probably 10 chords. I still can't get my hand to form bar chords, but I also haven't really made a valiant attempt. I suppose I ought to keep working on that, hey? And then about 4 years ago or so, I decided to get a djembe. I was part of a young adult group at my church, and we had a couple djembes and djembe players. I started messing around with one, and got totally hooked on it! So, I purchased one and played it as a part of the worship team at church for about a year. I never really mastered it (though I did finally learn how to do decent rolls) but at least I could keep a beat, and I enjoyed banging around on it - very theraputic.

My newest love is the violin. Well, it's not really new, but more a revived love. I think movie soundtracks are what stoked this love. I remember hearing the music from Schindler's List and being totally overwhelmed with emotion. I hadn't even seen the movie - just heard the music - and I was entranced by the sadness the music conveyed. Just recently, I purchased an album by Hungarian composer Mihaly Vig (music from the films of Bela Tarr). There is one song on the album from Werckmeister Harmonies called "Valuska" (which is the theme for the main character in the film). The song is heavily carried by piano (which obviously, is my first love), but there are also harmonizing violins that make the song all the more beautifully haunting. I absolutely love this song, and the piano/violin combo are absolutely brilliant.

However, what REALLY made me dig the violin are two different people - the violinist for David Crowder's Band, and Todd Agnew's violinist. I've seen both of them perform live, and they TOTALLY get into it. It's so great. I remember hearing the song "Coming Toward" at the Passion '05 conference, and thinking "man, how cool would it be to be able to play violin!" Then, enter Todd Agnew's violin player. I could watch this guy for hours. He would get SO into it, so passionate while he played. To be honest, it looked like SOOO much fun - he was totally enjoying himself. I decided then and there, it was going on my "things to do before I die" list - learn to play the violin.

Well, as I currently do not have any cashflow coming in, right now is not the best time to look into renting a violin and lessons. However, stay tuned for further updates on the possibility of Tory learning to play violin. It may be in the works very soon.

Oh, and if you ask, I still don't know what the difference is between a violin and a viola. I WILL find out, I promise. I won't look like a dunce forever.

(image at http://www.ibiblio.org/wm/paint/auth/gris/music/violin/gris.violin.jpg)

10,000

I hit 10,000 visitors today. Craziness. Thanks so much to all of you who visit my blog. I've enjoyed meeting some of you, keeping up on life with some of you, and exchanging ideas with all of you.

Thanks for sticking it out with me, and this weird thing we call the blogosphere.

beauty

I find it interesting. It seems so strange to me that someone in my position – with pretty much everything in the world available at my fingertips – still has the ability to feel as though I have nothing… what a ridiculous thought and feeling.

I had an interview at the Milwaukee Rescue Mission on Thursday. As I drove down there, I realized just how easily I forget how a majority of the world lives, and what a majority of the world has to deal with on a daily basis. I grew up in the suburbs. I grew up going to church. I went to a private school. I was surrounded by friends and family who loved me. I never once had to think about where I was going to sleep, where my next meal was going to come from, or if my surroundings were even safe enough to survive in. And yet, so often that I forget these are things that plague people’s daily thoughts. While driving to my interview, I drove past people who I’m sure have some if not all of these concerns on their hearts and minds. I passed people whose clothes were not clean, who looked like it had been a while since they’d last eaten, who looked lost… And not more than 12 hours later, I had already forgotten about them. My own problems seemed more important than any of the things they may have been facing. I forgot everything I had been given, everything I take for granted…

The other day, I found the picture you see above. I searched “reaching” on Google Images, and this was one of the first things I found. Why was I searching the word “reaching?” Because that’s what I felt like. I felt like I was reaching – reaching for the things I longed for, the things I felt I deserved… I felt as though I had been dealt a raw deal, seeing no beauty in anything, and was reaching for something different. I do these kind of searches often. It’s fascinating the results I come across. It helps me to reshape my thinking. I remember once night a few months ago, feeling really really sad. So, I googled the words “sad woman.” The images I came across were amazing. Some of them made me even more sad, but also gave me a new realization – that I am so often blind to the beauty in life.

A while back, I wrote a post about a documentary I had watched about the red light district in Calcutta. I had forgotten all about that movie until just recently. So easily I forget. But it made me realize that not only am I spoiled – thinking that my life situation is as about as ugly as it can get, when in reality it pales in comparison – but I also realized that these people who have it much worse than I do are still able to see beauty in life. They are able to take joy in the smallest of riches, and they are able to see life for its possibilities, not its disappointments. I am humbled by their ability… an ability I myself am not able to claim, but am challenged to work on acquiring.

I am definitely nowhere near having it all figured out... I continue to forget this pursuit on a daily basis. I have spent the past few days wallowing in a big pile of self-pity. But every time I do an image search, every time I take a drive to a neighborhood I’ve never been to, every time I think about the rest of the world and how they view life, what seems to be wearing on my heart and mind seems small and insignificant, and I’m reminded to look for the beauty that exists.

When I write out thoughts like this, I typically try to be methodical about it. I think about what words I want to use, what words make me sound more intelligent or witty, and I revise it in hopes to make it sound as good as possible. However, that’s not what I wanted to do this time around. I felt like I wanted to share some honest writing with you – what my heart was saying right as it was saying it.

I realize this will come across fairly unpolished, and maybe a bit unfinished… It’s not often that I come to conclusions though, and maybe that’s why I like to write… I love unfinished thoughts. It means that I’m still learning. I hope that I never stop learning.

In a few hours, I’ll probably be back to forgetting about this entry, about the people I’ve seen over the past few days, and the images I’ve come across. But I wanted to write it anyway. Hopefully it’ll serve as a reminder to NOT forget. I went back to an old blog entry today, and was really challenged by some of the things I had written not that long ago. I hope this entry will do the same. On days when I feel like my life situation is at its ugliest, I want to look to those who are able to see the beauty in their surroundings.

May I too see the beauty that surrounds me.

(Image found at: www.qfund4aids.org)