dreams

Wow. My dreaming has been intense lately. I know that when I'm in a more tense/stressed state, that my dreams tend to get a little mroe vivid, a little more bizarre and somtimes a little messed up. However, I cannot remember a period in recent past where my dreams have bothered me as much as they have the past couple of nights. Usually when I dream, it incorporates weird people and scenarios. Lately though, my dreams have centered around my behavior towards others - behavior that is outside my normal character. For instance, a dream I had last night... I will leave names out in order to not upset anyone, but I had this dream last night that I was with one of my guy friends, and for whatever reason, we got into this massive fight. I mean, we were screaming and yelling at one another. Finally, after I had reached the end of my rope - no more things to throw against him - I just looked at him with an evil glare, and shouted "F--- you!" It happed in slow motion in my dream, and it was so weird - almost movie like. After I said that to him with such hatred and malice, he mauled me. He totally out and out hit me, and I hit him back which started this huge violent fight between the two of us. My dream ended with us just beating the tar out of each other. How terrible is that? Now, there are multiple things I could say contributed to this dream... The "F" word has been planted in my ear a TON over the past few months, especially due to my film class. I was also in the middle of reading this novel called "Morvern Callar" for one of my classes that is a pretty graphic novel. So that could be where the "violence" comes in... But my word! I have never had dreams like this... If I do have "bad" dreams, it's usually something terrible happening to someone I love - but I'm not the one doing the "something terrible". I don't know exactly where these dreams are coming from, but I'll definitely be happy when they go away...

Do you suppose there's such a thing as "dream therapy". I mean, other than hypnosis, is there a way of "fixing" our subconscious so that we dream better dreams? Maybe I should just lay off drinking OJ before bed...

solutions (or lack thereof)

Does any one else ever feel like in life, they're never given any solutions? I realize this is a really pessimistic way of looking at things, but just recently, I feel as though I don't have any "really good solutions". I am combating all these different scenarios in my head - wondering, "Had I done this, might it have gone differently?" and "Now what do I do?" I honestly can say, I feel like I have no answers. No solutions. Not even crappy solutions. Just - NO solutions. I feel like I've hit one brick wall after the next. What do I do regarding school situations? Brick wall. What do I do regarding church situations? Brick wall. What do I do regarding my own spiritual walk? Brick wall. What do I do regarding other relationships going on in my life right now? Brick wall. Again, I apologize for the "downer" of an email, but this is genuinely like how I'm feeling, and wondering if anyone else has experienced this sort of "brick box" around them. Maybe I just need a couple days to clear my head... In the meantime, this was my rant. Thanks for bearing with me.

The Album Leaf

As you may have noticed, I've been talking quite a bit more about music lately. I guess when I go through periods where I'm struggling and working through something in my head, this is my form of retreat. I sink into what moves me a great deal, and that is typcially music.

I would like to tell you that the album "In A Safe Place" by The Album Leaf has arrived, and I'm so happy it did. The album is beautiful and haunting all in one. It's so great. I mentioned to you before that it reminded me a little bit of Sigur Ros. Well, I looked into the band a little to find out that CD was recorded in Iceland with the help of the lead singer/songwriter from Sigur Ros - hence, the influence. Also noted on the Album Leaf website was a bit of Brian Eno influence. But this album is seriously one of the best "chill out" albums I've heard in a while (next to Iron & Wine - but that's a different sort of chill out). It has haunting melodies with beats that give it a more positive swing. I'm terrible at describing music, as I don't have much of the terminology down, so here is how this album was discribed on the the website:

"Chillingly delicate and more pop-based than ever before, In a Safe Place masterfully negotiates the spaces between minimal electronic music and melancholy instrumental neo-rock."

If you're looking to pick up just a couple songs to sample, here are the couple that are my faves:
"Over the Pond" - includes vocals/samples by Jón þor Birgisson (Sigur Ros)
"Streamside" - on the OC soundtrack - good acoustic guitar music - again includes Jón þor Birgisson
"Another Day" - good melody, fun beats

Very very cool... I highly recommmend checking them out.
Yay for Iceland and all the cool music they produce.
I think I'm going to move to Iceland.

"And I wonder, wonder what it's like to be living in Iceland, Iceland..." - Sordid Humor

how fitting

I have a calendar at work that my boss gave me for Christmas, and it has "spiritual quotes" on it. Typically, I don't read them everyday. Just doesn't interest me. However, when I was ripping off the previous days, I decided to read the quote for today, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. It is something that I have decided to make my prayer for now... I'm not a very "sing-songy" type person, typically. I generally am not a fan of things like this. However, I found it to be amazingly fitting with some of the things I've been going through lately. It's funny how God can use stupid things like quote calendars...

God, teach me to be patient
Teach me to go slow
Teach me how to wait on You
When my way I do not know
Teach me sweet forebearance
When things do not go right
So I remained unruffled
When others grow uptight
Teach me how to quiet
My racing, rising heart
So I might hear the answer
You are trying to impart
Teach me to let go, dear God
And pray undisturbed until
My heart is filled with inner peace
And I learn to know Your will.

transcendence

Every now and then, a song comes along that can totally be dated, but in one's heart and mind, transcends time. The song may have been from a specific time/era, but it has the ability to remain good and true throughout the years - through all the fads, through all the changes in music, the song remains close to one's heart.

I have such a song. The song came out in 1993 I believe, and I can remember where I heard it for the first time, and the first time I saw the video for it. I remember the song struck such a chord within me, even at the age of thirteen, that I have never been able to let go of it. The song that I am talking about is Round Here by Counting Crows. That song will forever be one of my favorite songs, no matter what anyone tells me.

There have also been different versions of this song. One version I have is from a bootleg of a Boston show, and he incorporates lyrics from another song called "Private Archipelago". There is a lot of adlibing in this version, and it's totally beautiful. But I think the version that gets me the most is off the the Live Across a Wire album. It's from a live MTV concert they did. It's absolutely amazing... There is a part with beautiful piano, and the lyrics go as such:

"There's a girl on a car in the parking lot.
She says 'man, come on, come on, just take a shot.'
She says 'Can't you see me? Can't you see me?
Can't you see my walls are crumbling down?
Can't you see my walls are tumbling down
Can't you see my sun stopped spinning around
Can't you see that sky turned black and brown
Can't you see that moon go flashing round
Can't you see me? Can't you see me?
Can't you see me.... No.'"

That part in the song stirs such an emotion in me, it's crazy... Like I said, every so often there is a song that will transcend time. This one is it for me. It's been well over 10 years since this song came out, and it in no way seems old or outdated to me. I love songs like that...

coming to a close

I should like to learn, right? So why am I sad that school starts tomorrow? Well, it means that my my freedom is coming to a close. It's been beautiful. Nothing scheduled on Mondays and Wednesdays over Christmas break - no school or work. It's been so nice. But alas, too much of a good thing I suppose is not good for me. It will be good to be back in school, I'm sure. Have a schedule again, have my time filled with homework and class going. Should be good. I have good classes too, so I really don't have anything to complain about. I for sure can't complain about the commute - I have a friend who commutes 2 hourson a train each way every day. YIKES. So, off to school it is for this girl...

I have to tell you about my new found music craze. I haven't totally checked them out yet - I'm just in the beginning stages. But this guy I know has mentioned them a couple times in his blog, and I had one of their songs already in my iTunes library, but I just recently have been checking into their other stuff, and I definitely dig. The Album Leaf - great mellow, music. Totally chill out, study to, make out to, fall asleep to - type music. One of their songs reminded me a little of Sigur Ros (the untitled album) and so I most definitely will be getting a CD or two by them... I'm diggin...

Current music playing on iTunes: "Evaporated" - Ben Folds Five (seems that song is playing often... such a great song though)

Well my little blogger friends, I'll check back in not to far off from now and give you the 411 on school. Good times had by all, I'm sure. Oodles and oodles of reading awaits me...

I'm still waiting to read Blue Like Jazz... I have a friend who's tossing it my way. I have had it recommended to me by loads of people. Sounds pretty interesting. Let me know if you've read it, and what you think of it.

Out for now. I'll sign off the way my friend Zach Braff signed off his blog the other night, as I too am headed to bed.
Peace and love and a pillow.
TJ

net worth & snowflakes

Ok, so the two don't really have anything in common...

Last night I watched my first ever Apprentice episode. I guess I can kind of see why it's addicting. However, once the claws REALLY come out, I don't think I'll be all that interested. However, when I heard the premise of the new season of Apprentice, I was really intrigued because they have compiled two teams that are book smarts (those with college degrees) vs. street smarts (only have high school diploma - but are actually worth 3x the book smarts people). I have to say, that I was totally for the street smarts team before last night happened. I was also digging Danny because of the red liesure suit...until he got really really annoying. Anyway, I won't tell you anything else in case you haven't seen it, but I think this season might actually make me a fan. Go figure.

So, I'm still sick... That's no fun. No fun at all. I was supposed to go on a winter camp retreat with jr. high and high school students this weekend - and with all this snow, it would have been amazing! However, due to being sick, I can no longer go. So here I sit, alone in my living room, in my pajamas, posting on my blog. What a sad sight!

For those of you who have been experiencing my crazy behavior due to the excessive watching of 24 season 3 in order to get caught up, I'm done with season 3 now. MY WORD! So crazy exciting... I was so into it, that one morning, I even woke up and was like, "Oh man... I don't want a new president... I like President Palmer." Granted, I was only half conscious and not really aware of who or where I was, but it was funny when I eventually realized that, hello, David Palmer is not the President. Do you guys think I'm addicted? It's getting bad... Now I have to get caught up on season 4. But my goal is to be completely caught up before Monday.

The snowflakes outside are amazing. Granted, I hate snow for the most part. The only time I quite enjoy snow is when I'm playing in it. I like to play. I was realizing that not too long ago... There is still a HUGE part of me that is a kid. I love to play with Legos and Play-do. I like to put together puzzles. I like to color in coloring books. I like to build snowmen and have snowball fights. I like to play in rain... I just like to play. But anyway... The snowflakes that are falling right now are so big and huge and they're falling oh-so-slowly. Absolutely beautiful.

Ok my friends... I'm sleepy. I think a nap is in order. However, I hope at some point this weekend to "write creatively". I was realizing I haven't done that in a long time - where I write about my weird ponderings. So maybe I'll do that later today or over the weekend. Who knows. But for now, most definitely a nap. Snow days are perfect for them.

american idol

So, I've never really been a fan of American Idol. Don't know - just never really caught my interest. However, being sick the past couple of days has made me dilusional or something as I decided to try my hand at watching it tonight. (Look out! The Apprentice might be next on the list to watch!) Anyway, so I caught part of the show tonight, in between doing some other things. Now, those of you who know me well, and know my feelings on American Idol and all the mocking that goes on. I mean, the whole William Hung situation just hurt me to see - even though everyone assures me that William Hung is completely aware of what's going on (which I still don't think is true). So, I have to say though that tonight, I feel as though I was not my "merciful" self, as I found myself snickering at a few of the performers. I wasn't laughing at their actual performance though - that just made me feel sad for them. However, what I couldn't stop laughing at was the fact that the judges had everything they could do to keep from laughing. Watching them try to keep straight faces - so hilarious. Especially when you see Simon - who by the way, I really can't stand - barely able to keep a straight face. It was rather amusing. And the editors of that show... They're kind of clever. While I still stay with the fact that I hate the mocking side of American Idol, it is cleverly put together, and definitely entertaining. I may just give it more of a go this season... I didn't give into the hype when it first came out, but I'm coming around...

coming attractions

I get really excited when there are a whole slew of movies coming out that look really really good. It seems as though there are high points where a whole mess of good movies come out, and then there are a lot of lulls. So often, it seems like more lulls than high points. But I'm excited for movies that are coming out between now and summer.

Movies to look forward to:

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - due out in July. A friend of my brother's - Drew - posted a little ditty about it on his blog a while back, and when I watched the trailer, I must say I was tickled. While the original Willy Wonka made me want to soil myself as it scared me quite a bit when I was younger (and still does), this one looks just as creepy, and I'm totally intrigued. If you want, check out the trailer for it. The music is creepy enough. But Tim Burton - what can I say. He's the master of creepy.

The new Batman - Ok, so I am a huge anti-sequel kind of gal. There are very few movie sequels that I enjoy. And I have to say, as much as I love Christian Bale (oh do I love him) I was REALLY hesitant about him being the "young Batman". However, I've seen some different things, and heard lots of things that make me think otherwise. I'm actually kind of excited to see how it all plays out... So definitely looking forward to that movie.

Kingdom of Heaven - due out in May I think. Now, I know what some of you may be thinking. I dig it because of Orlando Bloom. Oh, you are sorely mistaken. I might actually be turned off to the movie BECAUSE of Orlando Bloom. Don't get me wrong. He was great as Legolas, and he was good in Pirates of the Carribean. I haven't seen Ned Kelly or Troy yet, but I'm assuming he's pretty good. What I'm excited about is Jeremy Irons and Liam Nieson! Yay for those two! I don't know what it is about this movie - doesn't really look like anything new or innovating, but it's captured my attention for some reason. I'm anxious to learn more about it.

Sin City - I had read a bit about it a while back because I kind of like to keep up on what Elijah Wood's projects are. However, I just recently saw the trailer for it (thanks for the link Aaron) and while it looks like it could have some shadiness to it, it looks like it could be stinkin' amazing as well! It has a totally different feel to it (very comic book like which is only appropriate) and has a CRAZY cast which includes characters such as Bruce Willis, Benicio DelTorres, Jessica Alba, Josh Hartnett, Brittney Murphy, Elijah Wood, Nick Stahl, and a whole mess of other people I can't remember including one of my favorite actresses - the girl who plays "Rory" on Gilmore Girls. It looks pretty slick, and I'm quite excited for it.

There are others that I'm stoked about, but these are the main ones I've been kind of looking into lately. Has anyone heard anything more about "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe"? There's a WETA featurette on Apple Trailers, but I haven't found much on it. Just wondering if anyone else has.

But check out all the trailers for the above at www.apple.com/trailers

the usual

Not really anything profound, exciting, unusual, eventful, mysterious, scary or detrimental to report... Just the usual. I find it funny that in my last post, I was writing that it was around 50 degrees out... Quite the contrast from what today is. Oh so cold outside. Anyway, not a whole lot going on that's new - just the usual. I have the rest of this week to enjoy having a bit of freedom, as school starts up next week. Boo! Hiss! Nah, it should be a good semester. I have some classes that I'm really looking forward to. Just have to pray I get into the 5th class I need to get into.

I have some fun stuff coming up. This weekend I'm headed to winter camp with a whole mess of junior high and high school students. Should be a good time. I don't actually have a "role of responsibility" as I am the admin support normally for both those ministries at our church, but I decided it'd be a good opportunity to go. And I have a slight chance at getting to be a drummer for the weekend... For those of you who don't know, I have a djembe (an African drum) that I dabble in a bit. In fact, I play with another guy who does guitar and a girl who sings, and we lead worship for our young adult group. Every now and then, we play for a coffee house that a friend of mine puts on at his church, and they've now started referring to us as the Tory Dolan Band - just to push my buttons because I'm always like, "We're not a band!" Anyway, that was a total side note. But I do dabble a bit in playing djembe, and there's a very slight chance I'd get to play at winter camp. So that's fun. Then I have school starting next week, and in a month I have a retreat with a whole mess of young adults. It's at my friend Brandon's house - the house he grew up in. Yup - a weekend at the Brown Compound. I love his parents - and his bro & sister in-law who will be there as well. Good times, good times.

Things I've seen/heard recently: I just watched Anchorman. Now, all apologies to my brother, but I didn't find it as funny as I was expecting. It was alright, and I definitely enjoyed the "We are laughing. We are good friends." at the end, as well as the scotch song. However, overall, it did not make me laugh as much as I intended. 24 - I am now nearing the end of season three. I'm finishing the last disc tonight. Then I have to get caught up on the first two weeks (like 5 episodes) of season 4 and I'm good to go. Should be up to speed next week! Tunes - I haven't gotten anything new lately, and haven't heard much either. So if anyone has any good suggestions of some new music that's out, fire away. I'm waiting for the Passion 05 iTunes bundle that's supposed to come out on the 25th I think. And then the full CD is due out in like April. Can't wait for that - good music, but also because my voice will be one of the ones in the audience - how fun!

Shout outs - I don't normally do this, but hey, it's my blog, I'll give shout outs if I want to. Drew - glad you finally joined the world of iPods - they rock, don't they? Is Sideways really that good? The premise just didn't interest me in the least. Chris - I was watching Gilmore Girls the other day and thought of you because they had the theme song for Greatest American Hero on it - and it made me laugh! Katy - I'm jealous of your California winter! I wish I was there... Soak in some sun for me! I miss you! Sara - you too! Know that I'm praying for your dad! John Loppnow - what's with your blog? NO POSTING? Saddness in Tory's heart... I hope you're doing well. Aaron - Sin City looks awesome! I heard about it a while back, and am anxious for it to come out! Any word on the magazine? And Kelly - love you bro! We gotta hang out sometime soon! I miss you tons!

Ok, that's the Tory Dolan skinny for today. Hope you are all doing well.
And in the words of Crary, "Drink Sprite, and you'll be ok."

beautiful

What a cool atmosphere that surrounds me right now. I'm perched below a window in my room, the window is cracked a bit so that I can hear the sound of the rain on the road next to my house, as well as the sizzle of the wires above my house - a sound that I know so well from growing up here! Outside, there is still snow on the ground, though a fair amount of it is now melted away because it is near 50 degrees outside. And it is thundering. Lightning too. In the middle of January. How amazing is that. A thunderstorm, 50 degree weather, in the middle of January.

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine - about just how much nature - weather in particular - amazes me. I mean, come on, my friend and I formed a weather station when were like 8 - what does that tell you! But in all seriousness, nature, weather in particular, amazes me. There's something so crazy beautiful about it.

I think I may have written on this topic once before... I can't remember. I know that this summer, while working at Starbucks, two girls who were regulars at the store told us about a storm they drove through on I-80 where they were head on with a tornado. I remember feeling such a thrill, desiring to be in that position. Until they began to tell me how frightened they were, how they weren't sure they were going to live. When I went out to California, I so wanted to experience an earthquake. Not a major one, but a minor one. When I first heard about the tsunami - I thought to myself - oh man, I would have given anything to see a wave like that. This was before I realized the devastation that it caused. And storms... Tornados, flooding, mudslides... All of these things that intrigue me, cause such devastation.

So often, I wonder why God created such things. He created such beautiful things, that bring so much destruction. Then, I began to think about humans. Such beatiful things, that bring about such destruction.

I don't want to be a "downer" here. I apologize for such a heavy thought. However, I've just been thinking about how much more damage I've done than good, and how do I puruse goodness. It was something amazing that I learned at the conference I went to. Louie Giglio said, "It is Christ IN us, not Christ AND us." I began to think that maybe I'd bring more good if it was Christ bringing more good... Not me trying. Louie talked about how so often Christians live a life of "self-trying". That hit me hard. How often do I try to "do something good" or try to "be good" instead of just letting Christ live in me, and not just using him as a resource for my decision making.

Again, a bit of heavy thought, but what else are you supposed to do on days like this - thunderstorm days deem deep thought days! hehehe... I'm just goofing around. But, these were thoughts in my head, and I felt I should share.
Where to go from here, I'm not sure.
Join a disaster relief agency?
:)

24

So, the new season of 24 has begun. Don't tell me anything... I'm still trying to get caught up on season three. I just finished the 12 episode, so I'm half way through. My goal is to get through the rest of season three this week, watch the first two episodes of season four, and be caught up by next Monday... whew! That's a lot of TV to watch. But it's oh-so-exciting. I haven't been watching much about 24 either, as to keep it a suprise. I was mad because the DVD I was watching tonight TOTALLY gave away something before I even got to it - totally took the fun out it!

But for those of you who are hooked and already watching season four, keep me out of the loop & conversations until next week. I promise to be on top of it by then!
But enjoy it for me until then...
I'm excited for the season.
Looks like a fun ride!

overload

wow. I feel as though this is the worst "blank" spell I've gone through in a long time. Even in journaling. I haven't touched my journal much since I got home from Nashville. What gives? Why do you suppose I can't write? I have plenty of things I'm thinking about... Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm struggling with "thought overload". I have had so many conversations with so many different people in the past couple of days that I feel like my brain is processing faster than I can comprehend. Does that make sense? It's all really good... I enjoy having those kinds of conversations. But I can barely process what's going on in my OWN life, let alone process what's going on in other people's lives... But hopefully, this will pass and I'll be back to my blogging self sometime soon...

thanks for the patience... all two of you who read this.

passion

There are moments in life that I often wish I could slide behind a piece of glass, encompassed by a frame and keep them forever in order to remind me of the things I cherish and desire when my memory becomes too foggy to remember them. I attended the Passion 05 conference in Nasville, Tennessee this past week. I cannot even begin to explain the way that God met me this weekend. Surprises all around... And just when I thought I had received an unconceivable amount of grace from God, He continued to bless my pants off.

For those of you who didn't know that this is where I was headed this past week, here's the story... I have a friend who works full time at a church down in Racine, WI. He is the new leader of the young adult ministry there, and decided to take a group of college students down to the Passion Conference in TN. I have always wanted to attend one, and realized this is the last year I could go due to the age limit they have. So, I asked my friend if I could tag along, and he graciously obliged. So, last Saturday, at 11pm, 20 college age students hopped into 4 vehicles and hit the road. Little did I know what lay ahead...

Most of you know me pretty well. I thought I knew myself pretty well too. I considered myself to be fairly shy. I mean, honestly, my stomach gets tied up in knots when it comes to meeting new people. And here I was going on a trip with a whole mess of people I didn't know. I thought by the end of the week, I would end up being another one of my friend's appendages because I just didn't think I made friends that easily. However, I was blown away by the peace God granted me when it came with interacting with this group, and by the end of the trip, the love He had given me for them was amazing. I was able to reconnect with a girl from high school, and we shared some amazing conversations about things we had been going through in life, and struggles we had faced. Such a great time of openness and honesty. There were a couple of other girls who didn't think twice it seemed to make me feel extremely welcome and included as part of the group. It was awesome to see how God stretched me relationally...

Then there was the conference itself. Most of you know I'm not a huge Beth Moore fan, and she was one of the main speakers, along with John Piper. They were both pretty good, but the speaker who really spoke to my heart BIG TIME was Louie Giglio - the main guy who runs Passion. He was such an amazing speaker, and the things he spoke about totally resonated with me. I would have been satisfied if he had been the only speaker! Then, there was the worship. I mean, how often can you say you sat under Matt Redman, David Crowder, Chris Tomlin, and Charlie Hall within a 4 day period? How amazing is that. The first full day we had, I was baffled by the schedule I had gone through that day. Here was what it looked like:

Morning session: Worship with Matt Redman, John Piper spoke
Lunch
Breakout session: Joshua Harris
Dinner
Evening session: Worship with Chris Tomlin, Beth Moore spoke

The next day was similar - filled with worship with Charlie Hall and David Crowder, followed by a David Crowder concert. Craziness. So much amazing Christian leadership all within a short amount of time. I felt so spoiled.

I think the most amazing part of the weekend though was just the renewed vision I had of God. I had been equating God with things He didn't deserve to be equated with, and forgot to appreciate Him for the amazing God He truely is. It was one of those things where I didn't come away from the conference on this spiritual high, but rather, I came away from it being able to say, "God, You are real, You are active, and You are like none else." I was able to again feel His presence when it felt so distant for so long. And I was able to see Him in a different light, allowing me to love Him in a way I had not been able to in the past.

So, in case you haven't picked up on this just yet, it was an amazing weekend. One I am forever indebted to my friend for letting me tag along on, and forever grateful to God for meeting me there. What faithfulness, hey?
Rock on God.

I leave you with words that Chris Tomlin wrote in one of his songs that has just nested within my soul.
"You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same... You are amazing, God."