fear

You'll have to forgive me if my entry this evening is a bit discombobulated (is that even how you spell it?). I had a bit of a rough night at work, and it's pretty late, so my brain isn't completely functioning as it should. However, I have been thinking a lot about fear lately. Couple reasons why...

I just watched "Bowling For Columbine" for the first time last night. I know, I know...I'm quite late getting on that band wagon. While I didn't agree with everything, and wasn't exactly impressed 100% of the time with Michael Moore's tactics, I must say that the documentary got me thinking about a lot of things, but mostly fear as it was a strong theme throughout the film. It was kind of funny actually because in the film, Michael Moore travels to Canada to see how many people lock their doors to their house, and their car, etc. Most of them don't. He discussed how "afraid" Americans are. And what do I do the minute I get in my car? Lock it. Sure it was 12:30am and it was on the east side of Milwaukee, but what did I truely have to be afraid of? I thought it was somewhat amusing, and I kind of laughed at myself shortly after...

The other reason I've been thinking about fear is I found some old journals, and read quite a few entries. It was interesting to see that the things I worried about then are some of the exact same things I worry about today. I'm on this kick where I believe that "fear" and "worry" are interchangeable. I think so often we say, "I'm worried about this..." It's a nicer form of "I'm fearful of this". For instance..."I'm worried I won't do well on this exam." - "I'm fearful I won't do well on this exam." This may not be a new thing for any of you, but to me, I realized that I was a lot more "fearful" than I thought. Oh, I have the fear that most people know about - my tremendous fear of clowns - however, I think it's the little stuff that's consuming. Will I ever find someone to love and who loves me back? Will I ever get married and have children? Will I ever find a job that I enjoy? Will I have enough money to pursue the kind of life I want? Am I pleasing God in the pursuit of the life I want? How much of a life will I have? These are the questions that plague my mind at times, and as I continued to watch "Bowling For Columbine" and read these journal entries, I realized how much fear consumes me, and how demobilizing (is that a word? well, it is now...) it is. I can literally be frozen by fear. Either that, or just break down mentally (which I've had my share of).

Fear is such an interesting concept. It's the thing that corporate America survives on. It's what drives a good percentage of our decisions. It exists in almost everyone's life...And yet, it's one of the most detrimental forces that exists. Don't know what kinds of conclusions I've come to...All I can say is that "Perfect love drives out fear." (1 John 4:18) keeps ringing in my head. I don't know how else to drive it out...

Anyway, like I said, this was a bit fragmented. Kind of a "stream of consciousness" type entry. But those can be fun at timesw, right? Anybody else have any thoughts? Shoot an email in my direction, or post a comment. I'd love to hear from you!