fear

You'll have to forgive me if my entry this evening is a bit discombobulated (is that even how you spell it?). I had a bit of a rough night at work, and it's pretty late, so my brain isn't completely functioning as it should. However, I have been thinking a lot about fear lately. Couple reasons why...

I just watched "Bowling For Columbine" for the first time last night. I know, I know...I'm quite late getting on that band wagon. While I didn't agree with everything, and wasn't exactly impressed 100% of the time with Michael Moore's tactics, I must say that the documentary got me thinking about a lot of things, but mostly fear as it was a strong theme throughout the film. It was kind of funny actually because in the film, Michael Moore travels to Canada to see how many people lock their doors to their house, and their car, etc. Most of them don't. He discussed how "afraid" Americans are. And what do I do the minute I get in my car? Lock it. Sure it was 12:30am and it was on the east side of Milwaukee, but what did I truely have to be afraid of? I thought it was somewhat amusing, and I kind of laughed at myself shortly after...

The other reason I've been thinking about fear is I found some old journals, and read quite a few entries. It was interesting to see that the things I worried about then are some of the exact same things I worry about today. I'm on this kick where I believe that "fear" and "worry" are interchangeable. I think so often we say, "I'm worried about this..." It's a nicer form of "I'm fearful of this". For instance..."I'm worried I won't do well on this exam." - "I'm fearful I won't do well on this exam." This may not be a new thing for any of you, but to me, I realized that I was a lot more "fearful" than I thought. Oh, I have the fear that most people know about - my tremendous fear of clowns - however, I think it's the little stuff that's consuming. Will I ever find someone to love and who loves me back? Will I ever get married and have children? Will I ever find a job that I enjoy? Will I have enough money to pursue the kind of life I want? Am I pleasing God in the pursuit of the life I want? How much of a life will I have? These are the questions that plague my mind at times, and as I continued to watch "Bowling For Columbine" and read these journal entries, I realized how much fear consumes me, and how demobilizing (is that a word? well, it is now...) it is. I can literally be frozen by fear. Either that, or just break down mentally (which I've had my share of).

Fear is such an interesting concept. It's the thing that corporate America survives on. It's what drives a good percentage of our decisions. It exists in almost everyone's life...And yet, it's one of the most detrimental forces that exists. Don't know what kinds of conclusions I've come to...All I can say is that "Perfect love drives out fear." (1 John 4:18) keeps ringing in my head. I don't know how else to drive it out...

Anyway, like I said, this was a bit fragmented. Kind of a "stream of consciousness" type entry. But those can be fun at timesw, right? Anybody else have any thoughts? Shoot an email in my direction, or post a comment. I'd love to hear from you!

angst & prince envy

Well my friends, I just arrived home from the Rufus Wainwright and Ben Folds concert. It was actually the most painless trip I have ever taken to Summerfest. For those of you who don't know, Summerfest is quite a novelty. It's this huge music fest held every year down by the lakefront. It usually has a decent line up of performers, including big names on the big stage. This year, Prince was the artist who kicked off the "big names" stage. Tonight, I believe it was Kid Rock. Throw Kenny Chesney in there, and you've got a really weird brew. But yes, this is a thing Milwaukee does every year, and this year, I was able to make to the Ben Folds and Rufus show. But I made it out with out seeing anyone lose their stomach, fall on me because they were so drunk, or break out into any fights. For as much as I hate the crowdedness and craziness of Summerfest, this trip there was actually quite pleasant.

First of all, let me tell you that we had the most kickin' seats. Yes, seats. This is highly unusual at Summerfest as one most often has to stand. We made our way in about 10 minutes before Rufus took the stage. We wandered about, trying to find a spot where we could actually see. We found a decent spot to stand next to the sound booth (which is more like a tower). We kept inching our way in, until we noticed a spot right in front of the sound booth. We then noticed there was a big ledge, and hopped up on it thinking we'd get kicked off it. The guy let us stay. It was great. We could see above all the heads, we were dead center and about 150 feet back. It was so amazing...Full view of the stage. An orange/pink/purple sky in the background, accented by the Milwaukee skyline. The weather was AWESOME. Couldn't have asked for a better atmosphere for the show.

Rufus took the stage first. This was my first time every seeing him in concert. He was much more comical than expected. I'm not too familiar with his songs (by name), but he played a decently lengthy set (about an hour and a half) which included songs such as "Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk" and "Pretty Things" and much to my suprise (and delight) "Hallelujah". He's a great performer. He referenced Prince rather often throughout the evening...I think he may have been jealous of Prince's following. He also took the liberty of talking about politics. He made some mention about a move that Cheney made today - some "ignorant" comment...I hadn't heard anything about it...I'll have to look that one up. But then he made a plea with the audience to vote because he said "We need to get Bush out!" A roar came over the audience in approval...It was kind of interesting. I wasn't sure if people were actually interested, or if it was because of the beer in their hand. Anyway, I enjoyed Rufus a great deal and would highly recommend him to anyone.

Ben Folds on the other hand, while an AMAZING performer, I would not recommend to everyone...He's got a lot of built up anger and quite a potty mouth. With a new rendition of "Rock This B****" (one that I can't really repeat), he's got quite a track record with multiple swear words. However, that boy can pound the piano like none else! Man! I'm always in amazement of him. He played a lot of classics - a TON off of...hmmmm...what is it? I guess it's a self titled album. It's got the yellowish-orange type label with the white outline of a piano. Songs such as Jackson Cannery, Philosophy, Where's Summer B?, and Underground (which he said was unusual for him to play in concert). Other classics included Kate, Emmaline, Army, Black T-Shirt, and One Angry Dwarf. Stuff off Rockin The Suburbs included Rockin' The Suburbs, Not the Same, Zak & Sara, and Mr. Jones Part Two. He sang some songs off his EPs as well as a new one he wrote for his daughter Gracie (it was a beautiful song - just like Still Fighting It). He sang a Ray Charles song. And of course, it wouldn't have been a good show without the greatest impression of Elton John, and "Tiny Dancer".

All in all, a good show. Thanks for reading my lengthy review (if you've made it this far). You know now a little bit more of my great love of music, and especially Ben (and Rufus for that matter)...

It's late though. Need sleep. Will write more tomorrow (though, it'll show up as two posts on the same day).
Peace out. :)

an evening of comfort

I'm sitting here at my little Mac laptop, a thunderstorm as my backdrop, (hahaha...that rhymed - totally unintentional) a glass of wine next to me, and the movie "The Secret Window" in front of me. It is an evening of comfort. I absolutely love thunderstorms. Granted, they bring about destruction, and if I were ever to have my home or property severely damaged by one, I might have different feelings. But for some unknown reason, thunderstorms are such a comfort to me. Everyone has been saying "When will this rain ever end?" All I can find myself saying is, "Bring it on!" Wine...Well, I'm not really into drinking much. I would however, like to gain some knowledge about wines...It's kind of an interesting sub culture. And as for "The Secret Window"? Nothing but a comfort movie. It's your average I-figured-out-the-ending-before-it-happened type suspenseful movie. But for the evening's theme of comfort, it does quite well. It's not your typical "artsy" Johnny Depp flick...Surprised he did it, actually.

Anyway, sometimes it's great to have those "non-thinking" type nights. The ones where you just sit back, soak in your environment, and enjoy the evening...

On an even better note - NO MORE LAMENTING! Due to a gracious co-worker, it looks as though I'll be able to see Ben & Rufus! Yay for Tory! So I will most definitely be posting a little something on that one in the near future.

Off for now...Going to finish enjoying the evening.
Later.

debbie downer

A little bit of self discovery today. First of all though, a quick story. There is a Saturday Night Live sketch I sat through with my brother and his friends where we laughed so hard we cried. It was a sketch entitled "Debbie Downer" where this woman would always bring up the latest disease, tragedy, or any sort of bad news possible, thus becoming the downer of conversation. For example, they're at Disneyland and one of her lines was "So it's official. I can no longer have children." The funny part about it was, she was supposed to be a "downer" yet all the actors and actresses could NOT stop laughing. I've never seen a SNL sketch go so far south so fast. But it made it all the funnier. However, on a more serious note, my thoughts recently have been geared towards the "Debbie Downers" and wondering, am I one of those people? Do I constantly bring up "the bad news" or am I a person who chooses to encourage? I've been challenged regarding this because I believe I have become a Debbie Downer. I'm not sure what drove me to this point of negativity and complaining, but I'm not excited about this side of myself... I struggle though, because I don't believe I am the only Debbie. I look around me and think, "Where have all the happy people gone?" Happiness seems to have been a fad that came and went very quickly. It seems complaints come so much quicker than praises. Are we just that sad? Or have we forgotten what we really have to be thankful for? Something that should be so simple, yet has become so incredibly hard to do. My small group came up with the idea to try our hands at "not complaining" for the week. I found that the harder I tried to find the good in things, the harder things became. I find it interesting though how little "bad-ness" it takes to get us down, but how much "goodness" it takes to make us happy.

It's late and my thoughts are a bit fuzzy on this issue. I had a tough night. God and I had some words, and we're working on some things. It's good though. Growth is a good thing. It's not always easy, but definitely worthwhile. I will try to post a more coherent entry tomorrow.
Sorry for the random thoughts.

duck butts

hahahah...I thought that may catch your attention. But I honestly have something to share with respect to this. I was out with a friend of mine tonight, walking around on the pier down by Lake Michigan. I love being out there...It makes me feel so close to God, and allows me to appreciate Him in such a unique way. Anyway, we were walking along when we decided to stop and survey these two geese that were trying to find food. However, it was quite humorous because their little white butts were just sticking up in the air - no shame what so ever - and their webbed feet were flailing about. I rather enjoyed myself watching these two geese. I made mention to my friend if one day, some individuals were watching geese doing the same thing we were witnessing, and thought to themselves, "Hey, what if we tried to do that...but for sport!" and lo and behold, syncronized swimming was created. However, we continued our discussion as to why these geese were so amusing. We questioned each other, wondering if God was intentional in how created us as humans (and animals) to do things certain ways - some of them being humourous. I mean, here we sat, laughing at these cute little duck butts that were wiggling in the air as they dove for food, and I wondered how often we do things that God looks down and snickers at. I mean, come on! We're referred to as sheep...there has to be things that we do that are quite funny to God. Don't you think? A lot of people may disagree with me, but I believe God has an amazing sense of humor. I know some rather funny people, and we were created in God's image after all, right? Sometimes I'm in such awe of God and his creativity. Rock on for duck butts...

a moment

I would just like to take a moment to lament the fact that I will not get to see what is probably the most amazing duo concert this summer - Rufus Wainwright and Ben Folds. They played last night in Chicago, and they play next weekend at Summerfest in Milwaukee, and I will get to see neither.

A moment of silence please...

On another note...I just picked up a new CD by an artist called Jem. Highly entertaining, I must say. It reminds me a bit of Dido...I'd like to describe it as Dido collaborating with different artists because each song has a different feel. One song sounds like Dido and Lauren hill, one song sounds like Dido and Jewel...It's a good CD though. I highly recommend checking it out.
Another group I just sampled (thanks Travis) was The Postal Service. Very mellow techno/house type music. That's a really bad description, but I can't think of how else to describe it. I'll work on that...

However, for now, I will continue to lament the fact that I did not get to see probably one of the greatest combos for a concert. How great it would be to see them...But I suppose that's how life goes. Thanks for listening to my thoughts about it.

crazy blessings

Have you ever had someone in your life who just totally inspired you in one way, shape or form? Well, last night I had the priveledge of sitting in a room full of those people. I felt so utterly blessed to be in a room with the people I was with. I attended a meeting to brainstorm ideas for a youth conference that I volunteer at called SEMP. As I looked around the room, all 9 inviduals have in some way inspired me either spiritually or creatively. Like I said, the opportunity to be in a room with those people was a totally blessing. The amount of creative energy I walked away with, and my desire to search for my story within God's was so awesome. I also had the ability to meet a guy named Wes today of PictureShock Productions - a guy that my brother is currently working on a project with. Though I was only around Wes and my brother for a short time, it was so awesome to see their interaction, and their excitement about how God was going to use their creativity and new found friendship to bring glory to Himself. How cool to be a part of that.

And tonight at the Gathering (the young adult ministry I attend), the subject was grace. I seriously things I am severely handicapped when it comes to grasping this concept. While it was something I heard about and had ingrained in my head as a child, I don't think I have fully come to terms with what it means. I don't think I have even the slightest knowledge about what God's grace really looks like, and the kind of power it can have in my life. Craziness. I've started reading the book "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning so many times, but haven't made it all the way through. This book is deals with grace in such an amazing way. Brennan Manning has such great insights into God and his character. We were also talking tonight about "walking in the light". That so often, as Christians, we are taught to put on this facade of having everything all together. Christians don't struggle. They don't get anxious. They don't get depressed. How untrue is that? We are SO unlovely, and yet so often we try to hide it. In another book by B.M., one of my favorite quotes reads: "Living out of false self creates a compulsive desire to present a perfect image to the public so that everyone will admire us, and no one will know us." That's such a true statement. We are so concerned about being liked, rather than being known therefore allowing others to know Christ through us. I was thinking about how much I learned from these people I have worked with over the past few years at SEMP. How much I admire them. However, I knw them too. They don't present themselves falsely, but are on a journey for authenticity. Their imperfections have shown through at times...I began to think about myself, and how I might be able, through living a life "in the light" I may too teach & inspire...Isn't that what community is supposed to be about anyway?

not too philosophical movie review

I'm not feeling too philosophical tonight...I was a bit earlier tonight, chatting it up with a couple friends after having seen the movie "Saved!". However, right now, I am just thinking about my most recent movie adventures, and thinking about how I haven't really been SUPER excited about anything. The list of movies that I have seen lately (thought I SHOULD say "catching up on" as some of them are a little old) goes as follows:

Documentaries:

Dogtown and Z-Boyz - ok, so I saw this a while back, but had to put a plug in for it. It's a great documentary on the beginning of skateboarding. Check it out!

Spellbound - An AWESOME documentary about eight kids who prepare and compete in the national spelling bee. A friend of my bro's recommended it to me, and I absolutely LOVED it! Such a great documentary...

Capturing the Friedmans - Really well put together, but quite disturbing. I wouldn't recommend it to most people, unless you're HUGE into documentary making...

The Weather Underground - a pretty interesting story about The Weathermen - a violent anti-war movement/group in the late sixties through the early eighties.

Other movies:

Big Fish - finally saw it. Too many people hyped it up too much for me. I enjoyed it. It was Tim Burton, how could I not. However, I wasn't as pleased as I imagined I would be. But I'd recommend it to most...it's an odd yet delightful film.

Hudsuker Proxy - Sorry Ben (the one who gave it to me) but it was a little too strange for me. I know so many people who loved this movie - I mean Tim Robbins, how could you not love him - but I'd be giving into peer pressure if I said I truly enjoyed this film.

Elephant - wow. I can't say enough about this movie. Actually, I can't say a whole lot. It's quite disturbing, but it's really really interesting. It's such a thought provoking movie (at least in my opinion) and as a film geek, there were SOOOO many elements to love as far as the way it was made.

Saved! - I don't really want to give any feedback on this one at this time. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I'll give an update soon on this one.

In the mean time, I'd love to hear what it is that you guys have seen and enjoyed...
Thanks for listening to my lengthy movie review. I'll see if I can't make them more frequent and more in depth in the future.

life passion

I was thinking about why as a young adult, do I along with my peers, so struggle to figure out that infamous "what to do in life" type question. I began to think about the things I pursued and why I pursued them. A reason I stumbled upon was that I pursued things that I believed would get me places. What exactly those "places" were, I had not yet determined. People always say, "Well, if you want to get somewhere..." Where exactly is that somewhere? And why do I have to go there? I began to think about the passions I have in life, and whether or not I had incorporated them into the things I pursued. I thought quite a bit about my childhood. It's interesting that most of the things I'm passionate about now, I was passionate about as a child. I began to think about my creative partner in crime, Leah and all of our adventures as kid. The two I remember most fondly are Channel O and our attempt at building a hanglider. We had our own TV station - Channel O where we had created our very own "spoof" line up with shows that included "The B Team" (second string to the A Team), 14 Karat Gold (our hippie version of the dance show Solid Gold) and "Star Trek: The Lost Generation" (a hippie version of Star Trek - we had some sort of fascination with hippies). Then there was "Spook Theater" featuring "The Buzzsaw Mysteries". We could never quite come up with endings for our shows - so it usually ended in some sort of technical difficulty, my favorite being a fire on the set. We also tried to build a hanglider. We were always jumping off things with umbrellas and whatnot, and we thought we'd be the coolest kids in the world if we built our own hanglider. Of course, little wooden dowels and garbage bags don't really provide much support, but we made a valiant effort to say the least. I think now about how I've become so passionate about film, and how much I'm drawn to comedy. I think about how much I enjoy flying and the thought of sky diving and hangliding. There are other connections I can make with my childhood such as my love for California, my obsession with drawing and cartooning, etc. So often we hear about people, who in the middle of their life change careers because they realize a secret passion they had for something. I wonder how "secret" it really is. So often, when I have friends who say to me, "I have no idea what to do with my life..." I ask them what they enjoyed as a child. It's interesting the responses and the smiles that are expressed. Part of me wonders, if we only incorporated those things - whether it be through career or leisure, would we be happier creatures? I don't know the answer to that...It's also a very scary thought - to pursue something the world does not define as "successful or adult like", however, since when has the world had a grasp on what true happiness is? Just some thoughts I've had lately on incorporating things from childhood, our life passions, into our everyday life...

ear candy

One of my biggest indulgences in life is music. I can't seem to get enough of it. So while this is my second post today, I thought to leave you with my current iTunes list. This is what I'm currently listening to:

"Dig a Pony" - The Beatles
"We Used to Be Friends" - Dandy Warhols
"One Year, Six Months" - Yellowcard
"All The Stars" - Eastmountainsouth
"Cigarettes & Chocolate Milk" - Rufus Wainwright
"This Train Doesn't Stop There Anymore" - Elton John
"Powerless (Say What You Want)" - Nelly Furtado
"Back to California" - Sugar Cult
"Dream On" covered by Fisher
"The Bird That You Can't See" - Apples in Stereo
"Rockstar" - Ben Folds
"Warning Sign" - Coldplay
"Gravity Rides Everything" - Modest Mouse
"Mother, We Just Can't Get Enough" - New Radicals
"Have a Day/Celebratory" - Polyphonic Spree
"Sfven-g-englar" - Sigur Ros
"Pretty Good Year" - Tori Amos
"Make it With the Fakers" - University
"Testify" - Rage Against the Machine
"Nobody's Listening" - Linkin Park

So, some old, some new, some weird, some mainstream...whatever. I love music, and always love recommendations, so recommend away my friends...

community

It's an interesting thing, I must say. I started this whole journey of "blogging", yet I find myself suffering from blogging shyness. I journal on a daily basis and have no problem conveying my thoughts to myself and myself alone. But when I realize that this is going to be public, other people will be reading it...I tend to shy away from what is on my mind. However, I was reading something in an entry my brother wrote about a way to create community. How amazing would it be if God could use something so crazy as "blogs" to create a new form of community. I'm not alluding to any sort of idea that would replace "church" but rather be another form of communication with one another. I'm so intrigued by the different forms of community that DO and exist as well as the ones that CAN exist. I've been learning so much about the "church", and what it is really supposed to look like, and how that can be accomplished. As I sat through a Christian Education meeting the other night, and the board debated church politics left and right, I simply whispered to God "This can't be what it's all about..." I'm not saying there's no place for it in a church, I'm just saying that our focus can so easily shift from the design God intended. I love reading Acts 2...It's so challenging, and so encouraging all at once. I love the fact that God created us as dependent beings, not only on Him but also for each other, and that He also gave us that desire for community...How cool to have so many ways to create it.