trying

I haven't been able to write much lately. Often times, I become overwhelmed with everything that's plaguing my brain, causing me to feel somewhat paralyzed, and the only thing I can do is listen to music and continue contemplating everything in the universe.

So, I've been listening to a lot of music lately, and I can't seem to get this song out of my head. I watched a documentary on homelessness the other day that a friend of mine made, and the song "Several Ways to Die Trying" by Dashboard Confessional plays in the background. I can't seem to shake the song. For whatever reason, I've woken up multiple mornings with the song in my head, and find that while I'm in moments of silence, I can't help but hum it to myself.

For those of you who have not heard the song, here are the lyrics:

Several Ways to Die Trying - Dashboard Confessional

Pacific Sun, you should have warned us,
It gets so cold here.
And the night can freeze, before you set it on fire.
And our flares go unnoticed.
Dimminished, faded just as soon as they are fired.

We are, we are, intrigued.
We are, we are, invisible.
Oh, how we've shouted, how we've screamed,
Take notice, take interest, take me with you.

But all our fears fall on deaf ears.

Tonight, they're burning the roads
They built to lead us to the light.
And blinding our hearts
With their shining lies,
While closing our caskets cold and tight.
But I'm dying to live.

Pacific sun, you should have warned us,
These heights are dizzying,
And the climb can kill you
Long before the fall.

And our trails go unmarked
And unmapped and covered
Just as soon as they are crossed.

We are, we are, intriguing.
We are, we are, desirable.
Oh how we've shouted, how we've screamed,
Take notice, take interest, take me with you.

But all our fears fall on deaf ears.

Tonight, they're burning the roads
They built to lead us to the light.
And blinding our hearts
With their shining lies,
While closing our caskets cold and tight.
But I'm dying to live.

brothels

As I wandered through Blockbuster, I scanned the "New Release" section hoping to find a good movie for the evening. I toyed with the idea of getting a cheesy flick - just for fun. For a moment I thought "Kicking and Screaming" might bring me a few laughs, but decided I'd rather go with something a little bit smarter. I passed by numerous flicks that I've been wanting to see for a while - "Syriana" and "Munich" because I was afraid they'd be a little too heavy. However, I then came across a movie entitled "Born Into Brothels." What I didn't realize until I searched for the above picture is that this film won "Best Documentary" at the Oscars. I hadn't even heard of it - just saw it sitting on the shelf, and was intrigued by the name and picture. The name made me a little nervous to begin with, but this picture, the cover picture, is what captured me.

"Born Into Brothels" is a documentary about children born in the red light district in Calcutta, and what sorts of lives they lead. A woman by the name of Zana Briski decides to live in the brothels, getting to know the women and their children. She decides to teach the children about photography, and how to see the world. She gives each one of them a camera, and then sends them out to take pictures. They bring them in, develop them, and critique them. Together, they learn to experience life and truth through the lens.

This movie was brilliant. The storyline in this film is beautiful...moving. I was taken by each of these children, specifically a young girl named Puja. The pictures they took were fantastic. Briski took the children's photos to New York and had an auction to raise money for them. She had hopes of getting them out of the brothels, and into a boarding school - their one chance to escape a life "in the line."

My heart was broken and yet inspired at the same time. This film was a beautiful depiction of seeing what lies beneath. I'm saddened by the fact that I never would have imagined such beauty existed in brothels.

If you have the opportunity to check out this movie, and you like documentaries, I highly recommend it. It's a little tough to watch in spots, but it's definitely worth it.

www.kids-with-cameras.com/calcutta

awake

Today I'm reflecting on the weekend I just spent with 350 junior high students. I work for an organization called Sonlife Ministries, and they are launching two new events this summer: Awake, which is for junior high students and Merge, which is for senior high students. I could write about the vast array of thoughts that pulsed through my brain over the weekend, all the things I experienced, all the amazing people I spent time with, and all the great things that happened. But I think the greatest thing I learned this weekend is how to approach God. This weekend, I witnessed uninhibited, dancing, screaming, joyful teenagers reaching out for whatever it was God wanted to give them. As these students learned about God's love for creation throughout all of history - starting with Adam and Eve, through the creation of the church, to our present existence, and even about his love that will extend into future, I saw a sense of wonder, awe, and excitement for God and what he wants to do in the world... and it was brilliant.

These students were challenged to look at how they love the community and as well as the globe - and they took the challenge head on. I was blown away by the amounts of creativity and passion coming out of these students minds and hearts. It was humbling to see students who were so new to their faith being excited about what God could do through them. Here were 12-14 year olds, confident that God could use them. And there I sat, a 26 year old girl, ashamed I didn't have the same confidence.

This weekend provided me with many challenges and many opportunities for growth. My brain is swirling with the many different things I experienced and felt over the weekend. But I'm excited to see how things continue. I just picked up "The Irresistable Revolution" by Shane Claiborne and I can already feel my soul starting to stir. I have no idea what's next... I can only pray it's transformational.

To what's ahead...

friends

You know those people... the kind of people who accept you no matter what? The kind of people who encourage your silliness, who affirm you despite all your crazy quirks, and who love you unconditionally? Those are the kinds of people I got to spend the evening with tonight...and I couldn't have enjoyed myself more.

I chose this picture of Calvin and Hobbes because I love the faces they're making. They're silly, uninhibited, and zaney. I love Calvin and Hobbes because they go on adventures together, exchange social criticism, express their creativity in a variety of ways, and have many many child-like moments.

Tonight, I got to spend time with some of my favorite people... People I have shared "Calvin and Hobbes" moments with. I've gone through a lot with these people, but they are the kind of people that no matter what curve balls life tosses our direction, we continue to be there for each other. Though weeks, even months go by, we pick up where we left off, and enjoy the company of one another.

As I looked around the room tonight, I realized these people have become like family to me. I've laughed with them, cried with them, grown with them, gotten angry with them, and experienced great joys with them... I loved being around these people tonight, people who I know if I needed anything they'd be there, and vice versa. I loved being with people who affirm me but who also challenge me... people who are silly, uninhibited and zaney... who take adventures, exchange thoughts and ideas, and express their creativity in a variety of ways.

They are my friends, they are my family, and I love them very much.

schwartzman

How great is this picture... See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil... The three Js say so.

I wanted to write a post about Jason Schwartzman - an actor who is strongly becoming a favorite in my book. Recently, I have been intrigued by a few different actors (including Joseph Gordon-Levitt and David Strathairn), causing me to watch everything they've been in. However, Jason Schwartzman is one of those people that no matter how weird or lame the movie, he makes it worthwhile.

I just watched "Shopgirl" not that long ago. Now, don't get me wrong. I love Steve Martin. "Three Amigos" - still one of my favorite "fun" movies to this day. And I absolutely love Claire Danes. I was addicted (and still am) to "My So-Called Life" (and no K-Do, it was because of J.L.). Despite Claire Danes frightening way of crying on screen (see Romeo and Juliet and Brokendown Palace), I really enjoy her as an actress. But "Shopgirl" left me with something to be desired - happiness. Yes, it ends well. But the story in and of itself is kind of sad. However, Jason Schwartzman saved the movie. His character - despite how much of a moron he is - is SO great. Such a hilarious character. Maybe I'm just biased because I find Jason Schwartzman to be funny all the time - the whole two movies I've seen him in.

Yes, that's right. I've only seen him in two other movies - "I Heart Huckabees" and "Rushmore," both of which I loved. I have not seen "Bewitched," "CQ," "Simone," "Slackers," "Everything's Illuminated" nor "Spin." I'm sure there are other movies he's in that I'm missing, but I've just started to scratch the surface in finding them.

So, my movie journey continues, now seeking out the other movies in which Schartzman has graced the screen. I'll keep you posted if I come across any honorable mentions.

(Picture from www.dumb-luck.org)

geek

I don't know about you, but I'm a total movie geek. I love watching all sorts of movies: from your silly Will Ferrel movies, to cheesey girl movies, to animated cartoon features, to artsy indie house flicks. However, over the past couple of years, a lot of movies have been made that I just haven't taken the time to see. When the Oscars came around this year, I had not seen one film that was nominated. That is just sad. I used to LOVE watching the Oscars, and would be rather familiar with each nominated film.

So, as I headed into the summer, I decided that I wanted to get serious about getting caught up on films. I created a list that contains nearly 60 films that I would like to watch. Trust me, this list could continue to grow. Each time I go to the movie store, I find at least one or two more to add. Despite the fact that it might take me a while to make my way through 60 films, I am determined to see them all within the next year (on top of whatever else comes out). That means 5 a month off my list. I should be able to do that!

But my list seems to keep growing. Tonight alone, I went to the store and came back with 5 more to add to the list. YIKES! However, I'm also excited to watch all the movies I have listed. Some of them are movies I should have seen, but never did. Some of them are recommendations from friends. Some of them are ones that I found in the store that I thought looked interesting.

I love films, and I love having a good knowledge of them.

In the weeks since I've finished school, I've gotten 8 films under my belt. 8 films in roughly three weeks. Not too shabby if you ask me. 8 down, 52 to go.

(photo taken from Wikipedia)

remember

My dad and I were watching a Memorial Day Concert on PBS, where they went through each war and remembered the soldiers who gave their lives and those who fought in each one of our wars. As the music swelled, so did the tears in the eyes of each soldier present at the concert, each member of the audience who was there to remember, and the eyes of both my dad and I.

I can't even begin to understand war. I can't even begin to understand what it means to have the freedoms that I do. I have never lived somewhere where I DON'T have these freedoms, and so often, I take them for granted. I can get frustrated with whatever is happening in the government, I can agree or disagree with war...I can feel and think a lot of things. The truth of the matter, each of these individuals gave up their comforts, gave up their time, gave up being with their loved ones, and even gave up their lives in order to preserve my ability to think and speak my mind about such things.

Tomorrow, we wake up on a day that is set aside to remember such individuals. It is a day that I never used to take seriously. It used to be about barbeques, hanging out with family and friends, and getting a day off work. While it's great to have those things, Memorial Day has come to mean so much more to me over the past couple of years. The picture above is a picture of 3 of my friends - 3 sisters - who served in Iraq together. Two of them made it home. One of them did not.

Tomorrow, I will remember all three of them. Tomorrow, I will remember my friend Rachel who I've known and loved since I was 13 - a girl who I spent most of my adolescent years wondering and dreaming about what life would be like as an adult. A girl who has inspired the creative side of me, and who has always amazed me with her own creative gifts. Tomorrow, I will remember her sister Charity, who I have very fond memories of playing night games with, singing with, and cracking jokes with. Charity told (and probably still tells) the greatest stories that are highly animated, and extremely humorous. I remember when she first told me about her now husband, Tony. She was so ennamoured with him, convinced she would marry him, and was extremely animated while telling me about it. I have a fond memory of that moment. And tomorrow, I will remember Michelle, who gave her life serving her country. Michelle was one of those unique individuals who had a gentle spirit, an overabundance of love, and a joyful heart. I can recount many times us trying to learn to swing dance, quoting many movie lines in British accents, and being just plain silly. These three girls are my heroes, and it is them, along with the many others like them, that tomorrow, I will remember.

Thank you to all the soldiers who have served and protected us.

crazy

Was the season finale of Lost crazy or what? Seriously, one of the best shows they've done. I love the fact that some of our questions were answered, and yet, 50 more were raised. There were so many elements, so many plotlines, so many emotions... The episode was so creatively charged (no pun intended).

Kudos to the Lost creators and producers for a job well done.

Brilliant.

three

RAWR!

Yesterday, my dad and I only made it to one place, but it was TOTALLY worth it. Located in the middle of nowhere, in Marshfield, Wisconsin lives a couple named Clyde and Nancy… and their odd collection of metal friends at Jurustic Park.

The picture above is one of the many metal creatures Clyde has created. As we made our way through his garden of friends, Clyde approached us warning that we could only take pictures if we promised not to scare the creatures away – he didn’t want a stampede. He proceeded to give us a tour of his garden, and had quite the schtick to go with it.

He was a riot. He had names for each of his creatures, including the genus names. There were complete stories/descriptions behind the creations. It was absolutely amazing. Below are a couple more of his creations.





His wife is also an artist, but her specialty is glass and knitting. She does all sorts of blown glass – ornaments, buttons, jewelry, and critters – but also does knitting from scratch. She has a friend she buys sheep’s wool from, spins it, dies it, and knits is. She’s extremely talented, and a total sweetheart. The two of them were two of the coolest people, and I feel honored to have gotten to experience their artwork. One of the best stories we heard was one Nancy told to us. She said she had a group of 5th graders at Jurustic Park, and when they got back to school they were to draw their favorite creature and write a story about it. Clyde and Nancy received this amazing card (which they had hanging on their wall) made of some of the drawings, and the students sent them their stories which she kept in a scrap book. SO FUN! How cute! She said they were all extremely creative, and some of their drawings were amazing. She also had a poster up of drawings that a group of mentally challenged people had done that were brilliant. Some of the drawings were so good – you would have never guessed that the artist struggled mentally. My heart was so happy to see such great artwork with such awesome stories attached to them.

It was so fun to be in a place where imagination
and creativity run wild.

two

We started off the morning with a six pack of beer.

Yes, you read that right. A six pack of beer. The world's largest, in fact. Located in LaCrosse is the world's largest six pack. My dad and I headed there to snag a few shots before we headed out of town. The largest six pack in the world contains 22,200 barrels of beer (688,200 gallons). It is enough to fill 7,340,796 cans and could provide one person a six pack a day for 3351 years. Below is the picture of our morning six pack.



Moving along, we headed to Galesville in hopes of finding the original Garden of Eden. Don't think it was in Wisconsin? Well, Reverend D.O. Slyke sure did. In fact, according to the book Weird Wisconsin, he made a bold statement saying that there was no way anyone could prove that this town in Trempleau County WASN'T the original Garden of Eden. Um, I will give him this... the town is definitely beautiful. But as to whether or not it was the original Garden of Eden... Well, I'm sure you know what I think about that. Below is a picture of the statue erected to honor the vision and dream of D.O. Slyke.



My dad and I got a little distracted by a picture we saw in the "Garden of Eden" pamplet we picked up at the Galesville Library. On the back of a pamphlet was a picture of this bridge that crossed a river - one of those old rickety wood & wire bridges that sways when you walk across it. Though slightly disappointed by the height of the bridge (it wasn't nearly as high above the river as we imagined) it was still a fun little side trip to our Garden of Eden stop. Below is a picture of me in the middle of the bridge, pretending that I'm about to jump over the side.



Dunn County provides a tale of it's own as well. Elk Mound is not only a memorial attributed to the dead rural postal carriers of Dunn County (it's true... that's what it's for... the only memorial of it's kind in the nation... go figure), folklore also has it that a dragon is burried beneath Elk Mound, guarding some form of hidden treasure. As we drove up the narrow road to the memorial, the sky got dark and the wind picked up, adding a great deal of "atmosphere" to the tower. In my mind, I imagined just some small stone tower... Little did I know how creepy it'd actually be. It was pretty beat up and worn down, with a fair amount of graffiti and the stairs were rusted and rickety. It was great... So, we took a whole mess of pictures. Below is a picture where you can see the whole structure.



We then headed to Minneapolis, MN (our little detour from Wisconsin) and hung out in a little district called Uptown. We ate dinner at Chino Latino where we had one of the best meals we've had in a long time. We also enjoyed a couple martinis. My dad's was so cool because it had dry ice in the bottom of it, causing it to steam and bubble. Very fun. I don't have a picture from there (they're on my dad's camera) but it'll be up on Flickr at some point in time.

Day two down. Two more days to go. Still have some cool things to see. More to come...

one

A few months ago, my dad asked me if I'd want to go on a roadtrip with him. Seeing as how my dad and I had never been on a trip, and we don't really see each other that much, I thought it'd be an awesome opportunity to hang out with him. So, I agreed, and we began the process of deciding where to go.

After some consideration - consideration that included The Badlands and Niagara Falls - we decided that we didn't want to go somewhere far away and spend the majority of our time in a car. While we still wanted to do the "roadtrip" part of it, we also wanted to see some things. That's when we came up with a unique idea...

About a month ago, our next door neighbors showed us a book entitled "Weird Wisconsin." It's filled with all sorts of novelties, weird attractions, local legends and best kept secrets. We decided it might be interesting to check out some of the places listed... and so that's what we decided to do.

Today marks day one of our roadtrip. We first visited House on the Rock in Spring Green, and then we went to Glarner Stube - a restaurant located in New Glarus that is known to have the midwest's largest urinal. Next on the list was Dr. Evermore's Sculpture Park. We then landed ourselves in La Crosse for the night where we saw the World's Largest Six Pack.

I've put a few pictures below. Unfortunately, I had some problems with my camera in the transferring process... For whatever reason, there was a glitch, and I lost the last 17 pictures, including the ones from the sculpture park (which were my dad and I's favorites!) So, even though I'm incredibly bummed we lost those pictures, I figured I'd still post some other ones for your viewing pleasure.


This was taken at House on the Rock. It was a bridge-like room called "The Infinity Room." The design of it was pretty cool, and it had a stellar view.


This also was taken at House on the Rock. It's my dad and I in a mirror in the Blue Room. It turned out pretty grainy because it was extremely dark inside the room. But I still thought this was kind of a fun picture.


House on the Rock - the AMAZING carousel. It had over 20,000 lights, and not one of the figures was a horse. It was absolutely breathtaking! I've never seen anything like it. This picture isn't the one I got that I was really excited about. I lost my two favorite carousel pictures in the transfer. Stupid camera. But, this one will at least give you a feel for all the crazy colors and lights.


I decided to spare you the picture of the urinal. It was pretty gross. And, it was slightly disappointing because it's only about 4 feet tall. But, it was a great restaurant. Extremely tasty New Glaurus Spotted Cow Beer. So, I thought I'd include a picture of Glarner Stube. And I mean, with a name like that? I couldn't leave it out.

I'll put up all my pictures up on my Flickr account
within the next few days.

For now, I'm off to bed.
Busy day tomorrow on day two of the Dad & Tory roadtrip.

graduate

Well friends... the time has finally arrived. This evening, I took my last undergraduate final. My career as an undergrauate student has come to a close. I'm done. Finisimo! Technically, graduation isn't until Sunday, but since I'm not going through the ceremony, I'm officially declaring myself a graduate. I can't believe that after attending multiple schools, changing my major a bunch of times, and taking roughly 2.5 years off, I am finally able to say that I am a college graduate. But I am. I'm done. I now have a degree.

And it feels good.

(photo belongs to chris2k at sxc.hu)

heysátan

I thought I would post something on a bit of a lighter note. Granted, the majority of you don't really have much interest in what I'm listening to, but for the two of you who do, I would like to present you with my most recent playlist. I have acquired a bit of new music over the past few weeks. However, I find myself pulling out some old tunes as well. So this is currently what I'm listening to... And no, the title of the playlist does not read "HEY SATAN" though that's what it looks like. It's actually pronouced hey-sow-tahn (I think), which means "The Haystack." What do you expect... it's Icelandic.

Anyway, here's what's tickling my ears:

"Heysátan"

Busting Up A Starbucks - by Mike Doughty (thanks Gina!)
Everyday - by This Providence
Steady As She Goes - by The Raconteurs
Good Morning, Hypocrite - by Electric President
Eyes - by Rogue Wave
You Come and I Go - by Hotel Lights
East From West - by Denison Witmer
From the Morning - by Nick Drake
Thirty Three - by Smashing Pumpkins
The Sun of the Soul - by Trevorside
Goodnight and Go - by Imogen Heap
Calculation Theme - by Metric
I Fall Apart - by Film Dialogue
Bright As Yellow - by The Innocence Mission
Lovestruck - by Iko
Sad & Beautiful World - by Sparklehorse
The Sun & The Moon - by Mae
Auto Rock - by Mogwai
Hemipode - by Amina
Heysátan - by Sigur Ros

help

The title of my post makes me think of the Beatles song "Help," and I must say, it's quite fitting in multiple ways.

Why is it that so often, I can't get my actions to match my words, or even what I am thinking about? Why is it that taking action seems so hard?

I realize I've written a lot about this lately. What can I say? I've had numerous conversations about this recently, and you can see from my blog posts throughout the past couple of months that I've really been wrestling with a lot of social issues. So bear with me as I continue to wrestle and talk through some of this. I've noticed how easy it has become to TALK about social issues - to talk about compassion - and yet, for whatever reason, not get myself to actually do anything about it.

It should not be this way.

If love, compassion, and change was what really compelled me, I wouldn't even have to think about it, right? If I am really, truly living the way Jesus wants me to, I'd like to think I wouldn't have to put forth so much effort - wouldn't it just come naturally?

I know that as humans, we have tendencies to be selfish. We have tendencies to want to be comfortable, in control, and safe. However, I know individuals who are shattering that mold. Individuals who seem to be living out what they're saying, and they seem to be doing it effortlessly. And my question is - how do I get there from where I am - where it seems it's always a conscious thing, never acting purely out of love and compassion, but rather a mixture of those with guilt. How do I get to a place where my efforts towards change come out of pure passion and effortless devotion?

Any ideas?

Is passion something you either have or don't have, or is it something you can cultivate? Is it something that the more you make an effort, the less of an effort it will become over time? I don't know... All I know is that in my brain, and in my words, I seem to be saying, "I want to help people." But what do I do on a daily basis that actually reflects that? And what are my motives for wanting to help people? To feel better about myself, or because I genuinely love and care for them?

Maybe I'm the one that needs help!

2

Some of you may know that I have an immense interest in learning about personality types, gifts, birth order, etc. (there are times where I think I should have been a psychology major). A while back, a friend of my brother's sent me to a website to take what is called an Enneagram test - which is basically just a personality test. At Thanksgiving, my brother, sister-in-law, and her family got into a discussion about our results. My sister-in-law is a 7, which by nature is extremely proud of being that number. When I explained to her that my not being proud of being a 2 came from actually BEING a 2, it launched us into an even more interesting conversation.

With trying to figure out what I want to do once I finally finish school this May, I have been exploring some of these things further. What kind of a personality do I have and where would it best fit? What are my gifts? What are my passions? What sorts of things will help me? Hinder me? As I thought about all of these things, I decided to revisit the whole Enneagram thing, and found some very interesting descriptions. I thought I would share some of them with you because it's unbearably accurate, but still REALLY interesting... Well, at least to me... If it's not interesting to you... well, you can just stop reading any time your little heart desires.

Ladies and gentleman, I present to you the profile for an
Enneagram #2: The Helper
(found at www.9types.com)

Helpers are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs.

How to Get Along with Me
- Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
- Share fun times with me.
- Take an interest in my problems, though I will try to focus on yours.
- Let me know that I am important and special to you.
- Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

In Intimate Relationships
- Reassure me that I am intersting to you.
- Reassure me often that you love me.
- Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be with me.

What I Like About Being a Two
- being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
- knowing what people need and making their lives better
- being generous, caring, and warm
- being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings
- being enthusiastic and fun-loving; a good sense of humor

What's Hard About Being a Two
- not being able to say no
- having low self-esteem
- feeling drained from overdoing for others
- not doing things I like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
- criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
- being upset that others don't tune in to me as I do them
- working hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my feelings

Twos as Children Often
- are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism
- try hard to please parents by being helpful and understanding
- are outwardly compliant
- are popular or try to be popular with other children
- act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention
- are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted Twos), or quiet and shy (the more introverted Twos)

Twos as Parents
- are good listeners
- love their children unconditionally
- are warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren't)
- are often playful with their children
- wonder: "Am I doing it right?" "Am I giving enough?" "Have I caused irreparable damage?"
- can become fiercely protective

Here's the "cycle" of a 2:

Need to be loved -> help others -> loved -> Need to be loved

In the healthy state, the need to be loved induces Type Twos to help others which causes them to be loved. When Twos feel loved, the need is satisfied and a balance is reached.

In the average state, when Twos' are not helping others and are not loved, the need to be loved increases, which helps Twos to again reach out and help others. Thus the balancing loop can help Twos to recover.

Unhealthy loop controlled by Basic Fear: Fear of being unloved -> resent and manipulate others -> loved -> Fear of being unloved

In the unhealthy state, the basic fear of being unloved can cause Type Twos to feel resentful and try to manipulate others into loving them. This can cause people to love them even less, which further increases Twos' basic fear. The cycle continues to build up.

Insight:
We can see from the diagram that a way to help break the control of the basic fear is to weaken the unhealthy loop. Twos can refrain from manipulating others but start to genuinely help others. This will cause Twos to be loved, and thus reduce the fear of being unloved.


Granted, this is just one perspective, but still, this stuff fascinates me...I think I'll have to further look into this. My sister-in-law gave me a book a while back that I never got around to reading called "The Real You" which is about personality types and birth order. Now that school is almost over, I will have some more time to do a lot of the reading I've wanted to do for a while now.

Should be an interesting study.

xylo

I am absolutely amazed by sound.

It is fascinating to me how people can make the most beautiful and melodius sounds from the most random things. Last night, I had the priveledge of attending my first Sigur Ros show. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Sigur Ros, they are an Icelandic band, with a sound that is very mellow, but packed with lots of stringed instruments, piano, guitar, and xylophones. For the majority of the show, the lead singer played his electric guitar with a bow, and there were a lot of pianos and keyboards, including one that sounded like a music box. The show was like nothing I had ever experienced, and every so often, I would just close my eyes, feasting on the amazing ear candy they were delivering.

However, there was a "band" that opened up for Sigur Ros, I believe by the name Amina. The picture above is from their website. Four women entered the stage in what looked slightly like Riverdance type dresses, but proceeded to blow me away with their musical abilities. The amount of instruments they played was impressive, but the types of instruments is what amazed me. There was one woman who played the saw two different ways. They had a stage filled with a plethora of stringed instruments (violins and cello), xylophones, bells, a Mac computer where they were recording live tracks and then looping/mixing them... Brilliant. I was captivated by their ability to take a bunch of random melodies, and blend them together to be unbelievably harmonius.

The concert as a whole was fantastic. My ears and eyes were joyous at the sounds and sights the concert had to offer. I can honestly say it was one of the most unique and yet most enjoyable experiences I've had in a while. Kudos to the Icelandic boys and girls.

And can I tell you how much I love the xylophone?

sporatic

Wow...

It's been a really long time since I've posted. It's not that nothing is going on, it's just, well... Ok, here's the deal.

When I write on my blog, I tend to not journal (in my personal journal) as much. And when I write in my journal, I don't seem to blog as often. I'm not sure if it's just because I can't write in two places at once, or what the deal is. But this is the problem I've found myself in...

I've been journaling a lot more in my personal journal. Two reasons: One, I really love old-school journaling. There's something way more theraputic about manually writing and drawing pictures in a book than sitting behind a computer. There's something great about using a pen, and writing on an empty white paper that's just screaming to be marked up, than looking at frames and buttons, and punching in keys. The second reason is I can be brutally honest without having to be held responsible for it by the public, you know? I mean, it's kind of a scary thought to think about writing some of the stuff running through my head here on the good ole internet for anyone to read. Plus, because some of my thoughts are not solid, I didn't want to post them. Like, where I'm looking to live, work, go to church, and different things going on in my relationships. Therefore, journaling in my personal journal has just "fit" as of late because I can write what's really on my heart, instead of writing bits and pieces on here.

However, I don't want to abandon my blog. There's something so great about blogging, and the strange sort of community that comes from it. I love to blog about what I'm watching, listening to, and things I'm experiencing. You'll just have to bear with me that at this point in my life, it might be kind of sporatic.

I'm currently in Illinois as I write this, about to be a part of a conference that's going on at Sonlife. So, for the next three days I'll be pretty busy with that. Hopefully I'll get the opportunity to write some more within the next few days, but I'm not sure how crazy I'll be.

I just wanted to check in with my fellow bloggers, and let you all know that I'm alive and kicking, and that I'm not abandoning my blog... Just a little inconsistent. I hope to try harder and put more up, but only time will tell...

Thanks for stickin' with me.

migration

I had this teacher in high school. My brother had him when he was in high school, I had a lot of friends who had taken his class during their junior year, and I had heard a lot of things about him. I heard he was an incredibly hard teacher, but that he was also well worth having as a teacher. He was one of those teachers who constantly challenged his students, sometimes to the point of scaring them, but his aim was to grow the student. And 95% of the time, that's exactly what he did.

As I was sharing parts of my life with a friend yesterday, I remembered a lecture my teacher gave me my senior year in high school. We were at this conference where we were each to represent some sort of organization or coalition, and discuss with other students what changes we wanted made to the constitution to further support our cause. I believe I was assigned the Sierra Club, which meant I had to do research on the Sierra Club, and find out what constitutional amendments their organization would focus on, which ones they would want to change, or what they might want to add. We were then to participate in a round table discussion with other coalitions in an effort to revise the constitution. I emphasize the word "participate" because it was vital to the assignment... And of course, I did not participate. I simply sat there, and allowed the discussion to go on around me. I knew my organization, and I had ideas... but I wasn't really devoted to the assignment, and so I just sat there and didn't participate.

I remember during lunch time, my teacher pulled my partner and I aside and gave us a stern lecture. He started out by drawing a stick figure with a circle around it. He said, "This is you... and this circle? That's your comfort zone." Then, he drew like 6 circles around the first one and said, "See these... This is where everyone else is." and went on to say something about how that's where life existed, outside of our comfort zone. He then drew multiple arrows saying, "See these... these arrows? That indicates zone migration. It means you move out of your comfort zone, and into the zone where everything is going on." He kept saying that phrase, "Zone Migration." Obviously, to this day, it has stuck with me...

The photo you see above is a random photo I thought of taking one night. My friend and I were in a goofy mood, and took all these weird black and white photos. The feet in the picture are my feet, and in light of the story I just told, I find it rather funny.

This weekend, my brain was on overdrive with many different thoughts. I had conversations with many of my close friends about everything from dating to environmentalism. I felt so unbelievably challenged in so many ways. Saturday, I participated with some friends of mine in a "river clean-up" for Earth Day. While down there, it was so crazy to see just how much garbage was plaguing one river, and the effects that it was having on the wildlife inhabiting the area. I was convinced more than ever that Christians should be leading the way in preserving the creation God has given us. I also attended a church yesterday where for the first time in a really long time, I felt like they were not only talking about being a part in their local community, but actually moving towards it. I felt like they have a genuine passion for people in their community, and it was so encouraging to my heart to know there's a church like that...

The most interesting part of the weekend was the realization I came to about myself. I realized that I have so many thoughts about what I want to see happen in the world... So often I think about issues like poverty, environmentalism, education, disease, and I THINK about how I want to see change. Notice here an emphasis on the word THINK. Like my story about the round-table discussion I was a part of in high school that demanded my participation, so does this. We will not see people's needs be met by THINKING about how to help them. We will not see the earth cleaned up, preserving animal and plant life by THINKING about how to change our habits. We will not see changes made in the education system by THINKING about how to do it. And the sick will not get any healthier or feel any more loved if we simply THINK about it. All of these things require action. They require MY action. They require me to move from the circle that says, "You are here" and move to a place of action. It requires zone migration.

These can be pretty overwhelming thoughts though... There are so many things out there that need attention, so many good organizations that need help, so many habits that need to be broken. Where to start? Well, I decided yesterday that I wanted to make 2 very specific decision as far as my habits are concerned. Instead of eliminating all of my bad habits, I would eliminate 2 - I'm going to start slow. I also decided that instead of getting gung-ho about a lot of organizations, that I would give a little bit of time here and there to a couple different causes until I find out where I'll be after graduation. Once I'm settled there, I hope to volunteer my time on a more regular basis. But for now, I will help out where I can - give to different drives going on, volunteer a couple hours of my time here or there, etc.

All I know is I have been about thoughts and words for too long... It's time for some action.

quest

Well friends, the quest continues... What will Tory do after she graduates?

At the beginning of this journey, I decided to sit down and write out what an "ideal" job would be for me. While I knew I more than likely wouldn't find an ideal job (who does), I wanted to at least know what things were important to me, and what things to look for, even if they didn't come in an "ideal" package.

The goal of my resume reads: To be working in an environment where I am able to utilize my experience in administrative and creative roles in order to make a difference in the lives of others. That's a pretty generic statement, but to the point. I have experience and skills in administration, but I want to work somewhere I feel I am making an impact on society. Can we say non-profit, people? That's seriously what that statement screams... and honestly, that's where my heart is. I have a huge desire to impact people's lives, even if I don't know in what capacity.

So, I began to think about non-profit organizations. Where could I work where I could impact others? I am currently working at Sonlife Ministries, and that is something that is "others" minded - teaching students and leaders how to "lead, love, and live in the way of Jesus." I've applied for Resident Director positions at different colleges, hoping to impact the lives of college students... However, as I continue my search, both of these things seem to be "on hold" or falling through for the time being. Because neither of those situations seemed to be moving forward, I started to seek out other opportunities.

As I began thinking about where I'd want to work, more often it became about where I'd want to live. More and more thoughts about Wisconsin, particularly Milwaukee, began to cloud my brain. Now, for those of you who know me, you know that for the longest time I've wanted to move away... like, far away. However, as I've been journeying through this whole "what do I do after graduation" and as I've been spending more and more time in the city, the more I'm starting to really enjoy Milwaukee. It's a knowable city. Big enough to feel city-ish, but small enough to be known. Plus, what would I do with out my multi-week runs to Alterra on the lake? There's a part of me that doesn't want to leave Wisconsin, but rather move downtown Milwaukee and work there. Just another thought that is tugging at my brain.

I've also been traveling down the "working with kids" road a bit more. I've mentioned before my desire to teach, and I still would like to shadow a teacher or two, just to get a better feel for what it's like. But another thought occured to me today... What about Children's Hospital? I poked around their website and found a lot of administrative positions were open. A new idea if I were to decide to stay here...

Then there's the small part of me that thinks about going back to school at some time in the near future, if not for teaching, for cultural/societal studies. There are so many non-profit organizations out there that have such good causes. HIV/AIDs organizations, homeless shelters/food pantries, children's organizations (Big Brothers/Big Sisters and Boys & Girls Club), environmental organizations, organizations that deal with poverty like DATA or Habitat for Humanity... All of these are places that are involved in the community and strive to serve people. What could be more rewarding?

So, as I have all these ideas, and no direction, I sit stumped. I am overwhelmed and clueless as to how to proceed. Frustrated, and feeling kind of sad. The hard part is, I'm locked into my current situation until the end of July, making it tough to apply for particular positions right now. Granted, I'm totally grateful to have work through July - makes it less scary to have to find something RIGHT AWAY... However, I'm definitely ready for this quest to be over. I guess you could say I'm like every other college graduate - very excited, but very scared... and most of all, anxious to have some things fall into place.

I hate waiting.

thirteen

A while back, I decided that every now and then, I would resurrect old "poetry" that I had written. I put the word "poetry" in quotes because, well, what I wrote doesn't necessarily qualify as poetry. Isn't it sad that I'm graduating as an English student and never learned anything about poetry? I never learned about meter, or iambic pentameter, or any of that stuff... The poetry that I wrote from like, age 12 on was basically just random thoughts in my head that weren't in complete sentences. There really wasn't a whole lot of structure to any of them. Sometimes they rhymed, but most of the time they didn't. I don't write "poetry" anymore. I'm not sure why, it just doesn't seem to fulfill me when I write - maybe it's because I'm too wordy.

All that to say, I've decided to resurrect a poem that I wrote when I was 13. Remember, I was 13, so don't mock me TOO much on this. But I thought I would share it with you... It's sad to see that even at 13 I had some dark thoughts. And yet, this poem kind of makes me laugh for many reasons... Anyway, for your enjoyment (or whatever you want to call it):

The Night
By 13-year-old-Tory

When the dark of night shuts down on you
You feel it's the end of your day
Your color is shadowed with the dark of night
And nothing will take it away.
You're used to the gloom, it laughs in your face
You're letting it get you down
When you sink to its lonliness - it's almost got you
You're placing on it's head a crown
Then a beam of light shot through your soul
And you saw the light of day
The night is over, you've made it through
It did not eat you away.
But though you made it through one more night
It made your stomach turn
Tis' morning is here, now all is light
But beware, night will return.