21 down

Well friends, I thought I'd give you an update on the 365 day photo project. We just finished with week 3 - 21 photos down. It's been interesting. There are days where I feel really creative and really proud of the idea/photo I came up with. There are other days where I question if I even have the gift of creativity. There are days where I LOVE how my photo turns out, and there are days where I despise how I look in every single shot. There are days when I am so unbearably tired that the thought of having to take my picture makes me want to cry. There are days when I take so many pictures and have so many ideas, but can only post one shot of for the day.

The thing that I'm finding to be the best part about the whole thing is the relationships I'm building with my other partners in crime - Simon and Johanna. It's been a lot of fun to talk about the project with them. I love having people who challenge me creatively.

And here's probably what I'm most excited about - we're going to be making a book out of it. Like, a real book, not just a scrapbook. Simon's dad has the ability to print good quality books, and we think he'll print us a book. I'm pretty stoked. I'm also going to put together a DVD with all 365 of my pictures together as sort of my "living portfolio" for a year-long art project.

So that's where we're at... We're now entering week four. There haven't been TOO many nights where I've struggled to come up with ideas, but I'm sure as time goes on, it'll get harder and harder.

You can check out our project here:
www.flickr.com/groups/365alive

Or if you just want to see my photos, you can go here:
www.flickr.com/photos/rainofwonder

wait

Dear God,

I've got a bone to pick with you. Ok, maybe not a bone to pick, but I definitely have a question for you. What's the scoop behind this idea of "waiting"? I realize that supposedly, waiting brings growth. That in moments of "wait" we learn a lot about ourselves and about you. It is often times in those moments that we have the ability to gain perspective. However, it is also in those moments that we can become disheartened, weakened, hopeless and faithless. Often times, if the period of "wait" lasts too long, we lose steam. I think about David in the Psalms where it says, "I waited patiently for the Lord, he inclined and heard my cry..." David waited patiently, and you responded. But what about those times where we wait, and wait, and wait... to a point where we think you may not respond? What does a person do when it seems like all they ever do is "wait"? What do I do if I can't wait any longer?

I've had numerous conversations with friends lately about how hard it is to wait - whether it be waiting on a job opportunity, to move into a house, to get married, to find a church, or fill the blank with a plethora of statements. Waiting seems to happen all over the place. We wait to see the doctor. We wait to get healthy. We wait for our tax return to come. We wait to see how a relationship pans out. We wait to feel filled up, renewed, and restored.

But what does a person do when the waiting seems endless - when there doesn't seem to be an end point anywhere on the horizon? What happens when one's life seems to revolve around waiting? How long can one be expected to wait before caving in?

As I said, I don't really have a bone to pick with you. I realize why this concept exists. I understand it's purpose, it's influence, it's challenging nature in order to create something beautiful and good. It builds character. It teaches patience. It helps us to demonstrate faith.

But what if I struggle to wait, and really, am not ok with waiting? Does that mean that I then have lost my faith? Am I no longer considered patient? Am I refusing to have my character strengthened?

Are you frustrated with me when I can't wait? Do you understand why I don't want to wait? Do you know that I while I DO trust you with my life, I don't always understand why you keep certain bits of knowledge from me?

Please know that I love you, and that these are just some of the thoughts that are on my heart. I wish I was ok with waiting. I wish I could be ok not knowing what's going to happen with certain situations in my life.

But, I hate waiting.

I just thought I'd let you know.


(image from www.explodingdog.com)

p&b

As I sat down with my soy chai and power bar, I stared at the blank page in my journal and wondered what I'd write about. It had been such a long time since I had written anything of substance. My journal had been blasted recently with many ramblings and incomplete thoughts. But I wanted to write about something - something specific. As I sat there trying to consider what to write about, a conversation came to mind.

A few days ago, I was talking with a co-worker of mine. Oddly, we were talking about childbirth. The conversation started over an article I read online about kids in Milwaukee who "age out of the system" - kids who are wards of the state until they turn 18, and then are pretty much on their own. I was saddened to learn that nearly 150 kids age out of the system every year in Milwaukee. That means there are a least 150 kids who every year, turn 18 without knowing a home... Kids who's "parents" are paid by the state to look after them, and basically just keep them out of trouble. I was explaining to my co-worker how much I would love to reach out to those kids. For a long time, I've wanted to adopt - especially older kids... the kids who rarely get picked simply because of their age. Those are the kids I want.

However, this then launched us into a conversation about having kids of our own, and whether or not we wanted them. She informed me that she has no intentions of having children of her own. I asked her why... Sickness. Pain. Weight gain. Feeling undesirable. Fatigue. Stress. Not to mention the horrible pain that comes with the birthing process. She said she wanted NOTHING to do with it. I said to her, "But don't you think it'd be totally worth it once you have that child in your arms?" She disagreed... she said, "That's when the crying starts."

As this conversation came back to me, I knew what I wanted to write about - pain and beauty. I've had numerous thoughts on this idea, and that conversation only took it a step further. I am convinced more than ever that the two come hand in hand. With pain comes beauty, and to reach beauty, you must deal with pain. Granted, this is not true all the time, but it seems to be true a lot of the time. Here are some examples.

Childbirth, as I've already mentioned, is a very obvious one. But what about NOT so obvious things. Take a sunset for instance. A sunset is VERY beautiful, but it also provides warmth. Once the sun sets, while beautiful in the process, can create some bitter cold nights, which in turn has the ability to cause pain. Or how about letting go of a child. It's painful to let go, but it's beautiful to watch them gain their independence and go out on their own.

Being in a relationship is another good example - more specifically, marriage. I have a lot of married friends, and from what I hear, marriage is tough. It's full of lots of honesty too, which can often times bring pain. While the unity of one life with another is an absolutely beautiful thing, it takes a lot of work, and even a bit of pain to grow deeply together.

But what's really intersting is the thought that hit me today. I had a good friend ask a tough question of me: "Tory, when are you going to go back to church?" He didn't mean attend church, he meant "When are you going to be a fully committed member of a church community again?" It was a good question, but my first thought was "There's too much pain attached with the church." It was then that my "pain and beauty" musings slapped me across the face. Yes, church is filled with pain - as are a lot of things in life. But it is also filled with beauty... a beauty I'm not always able to see.

I started to think about why the two go hand in hand - why it is that often times beauty and pain come as a package deal. My immediate thought was, "It was because of the fall. We can't enjoy anything beautiful without having some pain to go with it." However, my thoughts soon shifted to another idea. We deserve pain. We chose to screw things up. We decided to sin. We chose pain. However, God chose to still provide us with beauty. Maybe it's his way of showing grace - you know, softening the blow. Instead of saying "You'll have to suffer to see beauty" maybe he's saying "Because you're suffering, here is some beauty."

I was definitely challenged by this idea with regards to the church. Will I ever be able to see the beauty through the pain? Will I ever be willing again to bear the pain in order to find the beauty? I seem so quick to accept the pain that comes with things like childbirth and realtionships. Why can't I seem to push past the pain when it comes to the church?

It'll be interesting to see how long these thoughts stick with me, and permiate my thought life. All I can hope and pray for is for God to show me the beauty amidst the pain.

mars

Today at work, there was a teen girls event going on. One of my co-workers was getting a game ready for the girls where they had to look at a picture of a celebrity and figure out who it was. The catch was that part of their face was covered up, so they weren't totally able to see who it was. She found some pretty funny pictures, and had some great ideas as to what celebrities she should use. The funniest BY FAR was a picture of Bill Gates. She simply covered up the lower part of his chin and neck, leaving most of his face uncovered because she KNEW they would have no clue who he was.

However, as we were looking at a couple of the pictures, I noticed a picture of Spike Lee in her pile. I think she was slightly impressed that I actually knew who Spike Lee was, and when I noticed her surprised, I started to quote the old Air Jordan commercials he was in. "Mars Blackman here with my main man, Michael Jordan." Everyone, with the exception of this co-worker, just looked at me with a blank stare. None of them had ever seen or even heard of the Mars Blackman Air Jordan commercials. I guess I can thank the fact that I had a brother who was obsessed with basketball growing up.

But it made me wonder if I could find the old Mars Blackman commercials. And indeed I could! YouTube came through for me once again!

So, for your viewing pleasure, a little throwback to the old days... Spike Lee - the early years.

thought

No matter how conservatively I grew up, no matter how little my experience, no matter how poor my knowledge, now matter how many fears I have, no matter what I was told to fear, and no matter how much I was taught to fear...

I pray that I am never so scared as to not learn and love to the fullest extent possible. If I die learning and loving, than I believe that I have lived.

365

I'm pretty much an amateur when it comes to photography. Currently, I don't even have my own digital camera (mine is broken, and I need to send it in to either get fixed or replaced). The digital camera I'm currently using isn't spectacular, and my knowledge of how to set up shots isn't great either. However, despite my lack of knowledge and experience, I absolutely love photography, and am always looking for an interesting way in which to stretch myself.

My co-worker and friend, Simon, created a Flickr group called "365 and still alive" that he invited me to be a part of. The goal: Take one self-portrait every day for 365 days. I suppose it sounds a bit narcissistic - only taking photos of ourselves. But hey, at least it gets us taking photos every day. And it'll be interesting to see how creative I can get. I mean, 365 pictures of oneself seems a bit daunting... I'm not totally sure how many different poses, outfits, and locations I can find/create!

But we will see how far I make it. I am only on day one.

You can check out his photo project here:

365 and still alive...

inspiration

I've been lacking a bit of inspiration lately. It's been a long time since I've felt truly inspired. Part of me wants to believe that it's because I've not experienced a lot of things that others have. I've never lost someone extremely close to me. I've never been severely sick or hurt. I've never been without shelter or food. I've never been in love. I've never gotten kicked out of school. I've never been drunk. Never smoked, never done drugs... Never bungee jumped, never traveled overseas, never camped out under the stars when it wasn't a part of some sort of huge campsite. I've never been kissed. I've never been to New York, Seattle, Portland, San Fransicso, or Austin... All places I'd like to go. There are a lot of things I feel like I've never experienced, and in some respects, I feel a bit naive. I feel like I'm missing out sometimes - that everyone around me has some sort of knowledge, some experience, that I've never had, and possibly might never have.

But then I began to think about inspiration, and what it is that inspires people. I realized that I was only looking to the grandiose, only looking in the lofty places, and not the lowly. I've forgetten that truth and beauty can be found in the smallest of things, things to which most everyone has access if only they would look. Things like the smile of a child (which I see lots of every day), someone's laugh, the wind, a flower, the sunset, a look from someone, a kind word... And I believe that even not so beautiful things can inspire as well - like sadness from a fading friendship, cancelled plans or a change in plans, self image issues, a relationship that was desired but never happened, or even just a vague sense of doubt... These are all things that may not be classified as "amazing" or "tragic," but they can inspire, if one is willing to look more closely...

It's so easy for me to focus on the big things I've never experienced. I think sometimes I feel like so much music and literature is chalked full of things like heartache, love, loss, places visted, people met... that I feel if my "writings" don't contain those things, it will not be great or noteworthy.

But I think about how true writers can look at the small things - a blade of grass, a cloud, a piece of art, a blank sheet of paper - and come up with the most amazing and elaborate stories and poems that are full of life and vibrant in color. I've been realizing more and more that I've been so focused on the big things, that I miss the small things.

I was writing out my list of things I want to do in 2007, as well as reading other people's lists. I came to the realization that I have not ever experienced a sunrise. I mean really, truely experienced a sunrise. Where I sit and patiently wait for the sun to peak over the horizon, and then soak in every ounce of light as it is given to me. A sunrise. Something that happens every single day - without fail - and I have yet to experience it. When was the last time I sat by the lake and just watched it? The last time I watched a rain drop as it made it's journey down a window pane?

I realized I have a lot more to experience than traveling overseas, going bungee jumping, and falling in love. There are so many small things - attainable things - I only have to notice, giving me the possibility of great inspiration.

Here's to finding inspiration in the little things.

(pic taken from omar_franc at www.sxc.hu)

welcome

Welcome to 2007.

2007... That sounds so strange. I remember when I first learned of the movie "2001: A Space Oddessy" and thought the year 2001 sounded so strange, so far away...I wondered if I'd ever get to experience 2001. And here we find ourselves in the year 2007.

Ringing in the New Year seems to bring about many resolutions and goals. It is a time of new beginnings. It gives individuals an excuse to start over, and to make things different than they were before.

But another thing I love about the new year is that it serves as a gentle reminder that time continues to move forward. It gives us a jolt, reminding us that life is short, and we ought to live it to the fullest. I love the following quote:

"Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like no one is looking."

As 2006 comes to a close, and we've now entered a new year, I think about what new things I will experience. There are things I dream about, things I want to see happen... Things that are exciting, things that are daring, and things that are even a bit unimaginable. I love thinking about all the possibilites this new year holds.

But instead of detailing what I want to see happen, I'm more interested in learning about what you guys want to see happen. Whether it's something you want to see happen in 2007, or just something you want to experience sometime in your life, I'd love to know what it is.

Whether you've been reading my blog for a while, you're new here, you're a good friend of mine, or you stumbled upon this website through a link found elsewhere... I want to hear what sorts of things excite you and what things you're dreaming about as we enter into this new year.

Welcome to 2007... and welcome to new resolutions, new goals, and new dreams.

(Photo taken from user garychrist at www.sxc.hu)