sociality

I’m not entirely sure that sociality is even a word, but for this post’s sake, let’s just pretend that it is. I think “sociability” exists, but, I like my new word and definition. Track with me on this one, ok? I have had numerous conversations over the course of about a month regarding this idea. So what exactly do I mean by sociality? Well, seeing as how I kind of made it up, here are some thoughts on what I mean when using the term… But buckle in. This post is obscenely long.

Sociality: The ability to: interact with complete strangers and connect with them on a level that goes beneath the surface, but is not at “warp-speed” to gain great depth, create a warm and sincere atmosphere, perceptive; engage easily with others; truly know and be known.

These are a few things I think about regarding the skill of “sociality”. Yes, I believe that my made up word is a skill. As I mentioned before, I have had numerous conversations with people regarding this specific idea. Here’s the context:

Church. Not that long ago, church was considered to be a place for people to go and learn about God, and grow together with other Christians. I am not saying that isn’t a part of going to church – it is. However, I think there’s so much more to church. It’s not just a place where children can learn songs about Noah, or hear a story about Daniel in the Lions Den. It’s not just a place where people can study what Beth Moore or Rob Bell have to say. It’s not just a place where we sing “When I Survey the Old Rugged Cross” or “How Great Is Our God.” It’s not just a place where we fall on our knees during the altar call. While all these things are definitely part of the the make-up of a church, I’m not sure it’s part of the skeletal system. While each of these things “flesh out” the church, I’m not sure that some of them aren’t the “10 pounds” we all wish we could get rid of. Please don’t get me wrong. I understand that teaching Bible stories, using what other people have to say to study the Word, and acts of worship are all vital parts of growing. However, I think that at times, church can be come so much about the programs, when really, it’s about the people… both inside and outside of the church walls.

Wasn’t that an ugly cliché phrase…

As I really began to think about it, I began to realize how much it’s true, no matter how cliché it sounds. I’ve talked with so many people about how God designed us for community. We desire it, crave it, need it more than sometimes I think we’re consciously aware of. Yet, so often, it’s the hardest thing for us to do. We know that feeling connected and helping others to connect is important, yet we just can’t seem to get there.

Coming from someone who’s extremely introverted, I have a decent laundry list of reasons why I struggle with “reaching out.” However, one thing keeps sticking out to me: Fear. Now, that’s a pretty loaded word. Fear of what? Rejection? Awkwardness? Lack of anything interesting to talk about? Cultural differences? Physically differences? Fear of what others think of you? Fear of what you think of yourself? There are lots of things that drive our fear amidst community, and I think it’s got a grip on the church…

That’s where my whole idea about “sociality” comes in. I was having a conversation with one friend in particular where we were discussing our frustrations with church. One of the things that came up was the idea of “phoney” or “surface level” friendships, and our frustration with them. However, as we began to unfold why those sorts of relationships exist and people can’t seem to get past the surface, I began to realize that to create relationships that go beyond the surface within the first 10 minutes of meeting someone is an acquired skill. It’s a skill that exists – I know people who are like that, where you feel immediately comfortable as if you’d known them all your life – but it’s a skill that’s acquired, one I’m not sure I or a lot of people in the church have worked on honing.

So here’s where the struggle comes… Our generation has the desire to dig deeper, to go beyond the surface and create genuine relationships filled with openness and honesty. But that balance is hard to come by. Meeting someone for the first time, and trying to not ask the generic questions and yet, trying to not “bear everything within your soul” – that’s not easy to maneuver. It seems to only stay with the extremes.

If we bring this back to the idea of church, we can see the problem. If we look at church as a place to connect with one another and create a real sense of community – one that draws in others simply by the amount of love the community has to offer one another – how do we even begin to move in that direction if we are all afraid to interact with each other, if we haven’t acquired the gift of sociality? What do we do if all we really need is to know and be known, yet we can’t seem to get to that place because of our fears?

I have no answers to these questions… Do I ever? But this problem seems to be paralyzing the church. To live out “love your neighbor” seems more like a chore than an everyday occurrence. Reaching out to those who we don’t know, who look different, sound different, have different backgrounds, different interests, different lifestyles… Reaching out is something we were designed to do, but just can’t seem to.

These are some of the thoughts I’m working through. I need to work on my “sociality” skills. I’ve got a long way to go… but I think it’s definitely worth the effort.

(pic found at: http://www.globizdev.com/images/Paper%20People.jpg)