big

Have you ever wanted to be a part of something really big? I mean, REALLY big? Looking towards the future, and wondering what in the world I'm going to do with my future, I can't help but think about the fact that I want to be a part of something big. What that big is, I'm not entirely sure. And I'm not even sure what "big" means anymore to me. I guess there's a part of me that thinks about how amazing it would be to go to some other country, and be a part of something really important - like helping people get clean water, or helping to educate those who really want and need education, or helping people who are sick. But there is so much in the United States that needs attending to as well. I was watching "Mad Hot Ballroom" the other night, and there was a teacher who was absolutely amazing. The way she talked about her kids, and to see how much she loved them and wanted them to succeed, was so inspiring. It made me want to work with little kids in the inner city. Listening to those kids talk - all they knew about, all they had seen, all they had experienced at the tender age of 11... it was heartbreaking. But it struck a chord inside that said, "You too can impact people..." Over Thanksgiving, I engaged in conversation with my brother, sister-in-law, as well as her sister and sister's husband. We were discussing what it would look like to start a church. Throughout the conversation, I began to have my own rabbit trail of thought. I began to wonder what it would look like if church organizations got behind and supported organizations that already existed, and helped them to do what they're already doing instead of trying to take over their already successful services, and make it fit the "church" mold. Take a homeless shelter, or a shelter for battered women, or an AIDs organization, or a The Red Cross, or any of these organizations. What would it look like if instead of the church trying to help people as their own entity, they got behind other organizations that are doing quite well, but could use the extra support. So often, I think we are so stubborn when it comes to being a part of a something bigger, if it doesn't quite match what it is we believe. Like, doing good isn't really good unless it has a church's name attached, or is deemed "Christian." I remember a while back, the Live 8 conference got a lot of flack from the Christian circle because it was "self-promoting" or it "wasn't preaching what Africa really needs - Jesus Christ." I LOVE that in the Bible, Jesus often, if not most of the time, met people's physical needs before he met their spiritual needs. I think so often we are SO concerned about people's spiritual needs, that we dismiss physical needs. Yes, I think that spiritual needs are extremely important. But so are the basic necessities of life. If people don't have water or food to survive, they won't even be able to live a life for Christ.

I know these are a whole lot of tangents. I didn't really stick to the idea of "being a part of something big." But I guess that's where my question lies. Why do I want to be a part of something "big"? And is it possible, that being a part of something small, is in essence, being a part of something big? Is giving a good meal to a homeless man on the street being a part of something big? Is tutoring a kid after school something big?

I think so often I get caught up in the romanticism of "something big." Going to Africa. Going to China. Being a missionary in the middle of who knows where. Installing water pumps in villages where they have no water. Delivering medicine and food to places that have none. Rescuing children from orphanages. These are all really great, and really important, and people are needed to do those sorts of things. But if I can do nothing to help my neighbor, who says I'm going to be able to help someone elses?

I don't have a whole lot of answers to the questions. Sometimes I wonder why it seems so hard to do the little things, and why I'm only attracted to the big things. All I know is I've been thinking a lot lately about how I want to make an impact. I want to be a part of making people's lives better. Letting more people know their loved. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I don't know what it will look like. I'm not even sure how I'll find the motivation to do it. But I don't want to just coast through life, without sharing it with others.

no excuses

I was watching this show this morning, where they were inviewing this nineteen-year-old named Kyle Maynard. Kyle was born without his arms and legs missing below his knees and elbows. The book shown above is the story he has written about himself, in hopes to inspire other people to achieve anything. And he actually typed the book himself. So amazing.

But what I found so amazing was, here was this kid who has no hands or feet, and he couldn't have been more excited and passionate about life. He experienced things that most people, typically, get to experience. He played football. He wrestled. He even did modeling. He explained how his parents never gave him any excuses to feel sorry for himself. They never gave him any excuses to stay inside and think success was impossible. They pushed him to do things people never thought possible. And he did. This kid has such an amazing outlook on life, and such a passion to impact other people. At the end of the interview, he said something to the effect of "I found out that this book kept someone from committing suicide. To be 19 and have that kind of an impact on someone, is amazing."

It totally made me think about how often I give myself plenty of excuses. Excuses not to pursue the things I want. Excuses not to do the things I ought. Excuses... for just about anything. Excuses are SO much easier than the pain of pursuing something that's hard. Kyle was talking about when he first started wrestling, and that he lost the first 35 matches he wrestled. He said typically, one would give up after that. He likened it to basketball. If you were to shoot 35 shots, and not make one of them, you might come to believe you were just a bad basketball player and give up. However, he was persistant in learning how to wrestle - how to use his build, his size, and his situation to his advantage. Sure enough, he started to win some matches. Crazy. The amount of dedication and persistence this kid has - brilliant.

So I think I'm going to pick up the book. Sounds totally inspiring. And I don't know about you, but I could totally use a good dose of inspiration. Seems as though too many excuses seem to be floating around...

thanksgiving

I know it's pretty late in the day, but I just wanted to give a little Thanksgiving shout out. It's so amazing... so many things to be thankful for - for needs being met, and the crazy blessings I don't deserve. I am unbelievably humbled by how gracious God is...

Happy Thanksgiving one and all.
For those of you I know, thank you for all you are in my life.
For those of you I don't know, thank you for being you and
being a part of this little community.

Love you guys.

shout out

Alright, can I just give a shout out to the big guy upstairs?

I realize I don't do this often enough (which will be the second part of my post), and that is to thank God for all the stuff he does. So right now, I'd like to give a few SHOUT OUTS to God for the stellar things He's doing in my life right now:

- Gotten the attention of my family about getting holistically healthy
- Provides in a multitude of ways - both when needed and undeserved
- Renewed my hope despite my intermittent bitterness towards church
- Generated mercy in the heart of my Stats teacher to curve our exam
- Gave me the ability to actually MAKE IT through statistics (barely)
- Provided a couple really cool possible job opportunities
- Strengthened relationships I didn't think could be strengthened
- Teaching me patience... HARDCORE!

Now onto the second half of my blog entry. These thoughts came to me today as I was on my way home from school. My last class of the day is statistics, and I was dreading going. I was certain I had failed my exam, and was scared of what that could possibly do to my overall grade. However, I was pleasantly surprised by a passing grade on the exam. Not only that, our professor gave us an 8 point curve. Who does that? I had also learned that we have no class on Wednesday because of Thanksgiving (two of my three classes cancelled - rock the casbah). So, as I got into my car at 6:45, I was flying pretty high on happiness. My first instinct was to throw on a little David Crowder, and shout out some praises to God as I spent 30 minutes driving home. However, I was suddenly hit by the fact that I had not been praising God recently. In fact, I had spent the entire past weekend moping about because of so many reasons (I've gotten pretty good at complaining about how hard it is to "be alone" during the holidays). And here I was, praising God because everything was going my way. Where were my praises when I was at my lowest? Why was I not praising God that I had a roof over my head, food to eat, and a Redeemer who loved me? Honestly, my woes are NOTHING in comparison with so many others... Why is it so much easier to praise God when He "answers our prayers," and not when He says no (which is probably protection), or when He''s challenging us, which ultimately leads to our growth - which is a good thing! I was struck by the fact that even my worship was selfish! So crazy... So at one point, I had to turn down Crowder, and have a little conversation with God... Let's just say, the conversation's still not over with.

As I continue throughout the week, and in the months to come, I can only pray that God would teach me how to have praise on my lips at all times - all day, all night, through good times, and bad (sounds like wedding vows... how interesting...).

So, yeah... had these thoughts on the brain, and decided to share them. It's not that often that I talk about this on my blog, but it's been pretty big on my mind tonight.

I'm so unbelievably grateful to God right now, for all that He's doing... But also unbelievably humbled by the fact that he continues to bless me despite my moody moments where everything is all about me, and how many "oh whoa is me" phrases I can mutter.

Thanks God for putting up with my crap, and rockin' my socks off despite it.

somewhere only we know

Since I've been on a bit of a posting kick and music kick today (well, I'm on a music kick all the time I suppose) I decided I'd post my most recent playlist. Maybe it's because Christmas is around the corner, maybe it's because I've been around a lot of married couples lately, or maybe it's just because I'm a hopeless romantic... But this playlist reflects some of the songs that make my heart happy (and definitely wanting a significant other!) Here are a few songs that I love and adore, and can't seem to let go of...

P.S. - Can I just tell you that I think the idea of exchanging "mix tapes" or "CDs" or I guess now "playlists" is still ultra-romantic? I know, I know... It was such an 80's thing. But I'm sorry. I still think it's one of the greatest things...

Anyway, here's the list:

Somewhere Only We Know

Somwhere Only We Know - Keane
Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray
Different - Acceptence
Fix You - Coldplay
Chelsea - Counting Crows
Stealing Kisses - Lori McKenna
Heartbeats - Jose Gonzalez
Lack of Color - Death Cab for Cutie
Streamside - The Album Leaf
Requiescat - Duncan Sheik
So Are You To Me - Eastmountainsouth
Let Go - Frou Frou
Please Forgive Me - David Gray
Pink Moon - Nick Drake
Such Great Heights - Iron & Wine
Acoutic #3 - Goo Goo Dolls
You and Me - Life House
How - Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories
Home - Michael Buble

I promise to post something NON-MUSIC related in the next couple of days...

jose

Recently on Confessions of a Dangerous Norwegian, Drew posted this link for a Sony Bravia commercial (thanks, Drew!). The commercial takes forever to load, but it's totally worth watching.

It pointed out to me that I forgot to write something on my joys list - Superballs. They're great.

The real reason why I'm posting this though, despite the commercial being fantastic, and superballs being endless amounts of fun, is that there is a song that accompanies the commerical that I have totally fallen in love with. Thanks to an "anonymous" poster on Drew's blog, I found out that the person singing the song is Jose Gonzalez.


(picture courtesy of www.exclaim.ca.)

This is Jose Gonzolez, a new found favorite musician of mine. Ok, ok... I actually only have the one song from the commerical called "Heartbeats" in my possession, but hopefully in the near future, I will pick up the album that it's on entitled "Veneer." I sampled some of his other music, and I really like his sound. Has a bit of a folksy feel to it. But I absolutely adore the song "Heartbeats." It is so beautiful... Supposedly it's a cover of song done by British group - The Knife. I haven't been able to locate that song on iTunes, but Jose's beautiful version of it is available.

You can also check him out (and sample his music) here:
Jose on My Space

So go check it out. All of you!

live at the metro

(My friend Craig snagged this pic at the show... Thanks Craig!)

On November 17, 2005 I had a musical/spiritual experience unlike anything I had ever experienced before. I, along with five other people, drove down to Chicago, IL to see a performer by the name of Matisyahu play at the Metro. I mentioned his album “Live at Stubb’s” earlier on my blog, but the brief plug did not do this man justice. When we arrived at the venue, we were pretty hurried as we were a little late. So, to be perfectly honest, I was too focused on finding a spot for the concert to look around me and soak in the atmosphere. We found a decent spot to the far left of the stage. Because the venue is pretty small, there really aren’t any “bad seats”. There are only bad people to stand behind. I swear, I had to have been one of the shortest people there, and I’m like 5’6” – not that short! Anyway, our spot wasn’t too bad – only a few tall people in front of us. We stood awaiting the show to start. The crowd started to chant “Matis… YAHU!” Slowly, the well-known banner with the Star of David dominating the center, unrolled, only to bring about more cheers. It was at that point that I started to look around me, and soak in the vast array of people groups attending the shows. Matisyahu represents a group of people that are not typically represented in the rock scene – Hasidic Jews. And he was there to represent them, and they were there in response. As I looked around the room, I realized just how full it was of these religious people. Some of them orthodox and very, very traditional, while some of them remained a little bit harder to recognize. Then, there were those who were there because of their love for reggae, and some for their love of hip hop. Matisyahu presents a pretty good blend of both. This group of people all together to see one artist. So bizaare. But so great.

As the show began, I started to realize that Matisyahu’s albums are not a good enough representative of how good a performer/artist he is. His is an amazing live performer. Not only can he capture what seems to me to be an authentic reggae sound, the man can lay down rhyme and rhythms unbelievably well, all the while pointing the focus towards God. He not only presented songs that were spiritually driven, he also called the audience to “let go” of things that distract us and “cover over” God. He shared an experience of his from earlier in the evening. He had dined with a Chicago rabbi who told him a story about Holocaust survivors and the amount of faith and belief they had, despite the wretched evils they faced during the Holocaust. It was such a sobering, passionate and inspiring story, and one of the most spiritual experiences I’ve ever experienced in a concert. He called for a moment of silence… Silence…At a concert… Brilliant.

One of the things I think is so cool about Matisyahu is his non-traditional approach to the music scene. I saw a pod on him on Current Television, where he talks about the fact that he eats kosher while on the road, he prays and studies Torah every day, and does not participate in the typical “rock star” activities. He’s happily married, and he and his wife actually just welcomed a new little baby into their family. It’s so cool to see someone with such amazing music talent not giving into the “usual” way of rock star living. And he definitely could be considered a “rock star.” The show was sold out. The audience loved him. They screamed and cheered. They lingered around forever until getting kicked out by security. And yet, he is so strong in his faith, and sings so deeply from his soul. Again, brilliant.

The show had its moments of hype, its moments of contemplation and reflection, and what in my heart were “God” moments. I got to experience the concert with five of my friends, which only added to the greatness of this show.

Matisyahu is an amazing performer. If you have the chance to check out any of his albums, I highly recommend it. And if you have the chance to see him live, definitely don’t miss out on that opportunity. He’s going to explode in the music scene… I can pretty much promise you that. He’s amazing…

You can see more pictures on my flickr account (check out the link on the right) and I will hopefully have a better, more well-written review of the show up on Relevant at some point in time.

joy, part 2

A while back I started part one a "100 Joys" list, an idea inspired/started by Justin & KFinn. This is the second half of the list, again in no particular order. These are just a few things that bring a major smile to my face, and I rather enjoy engaging in.

Ladies and gentlemen... Joy, part 2.

51. Random conversations with Sally Kalbas
52. Good thrift store finds
53. Conversations about creative ventures
54. Scarves
55. Trying to learn how to skateboard with friends
56. Any Gilmore Girls conversation
57. Live music shows – MATISYAHU NEXT WEEK!
58. Artistic elements other than music to worship God
59. Unexpected gifts
60. Notes of encouragement
61. Chuck Taylor Converse tennis shoes
62. IKEA
63. Old bookstores
64. Watching little kids try to play Hide N’ Seek
65. Catching up with long-lost friends
66. Random trips to no where
67. Roasting marshmallows
68. Going to the zoo!
69. Playing Scrabble
70. Watching Jeopardy with my mom
71. Seeing sci-fi movies with my dad
72. Discussing personality profiles & birth order
73. Momentary bursts of insane silliness
74. Singing in my car at the top of my lungs
75. Reading through old journals
76. Pillows
77. The SEMP Tootsie Pop tradition
78. Wave Games
79. Reading my friends’ blogs
80. Giving gifts (especially themed ones!)
81. Milwaukee’s Gallery Night
82. Doodling
83. Blowing bubbles
84. Building with Legos
85. Walking around the city – especially Chicago
86. Boats
87. Shoes, shoes, and SHOES! (Pumas anyone?)
88. Fresh Ink Cards
89. Listening to music my dad grew up listening to
90. Shooting stars
91. Fireworks
92. Freaks and Geeks (the show)
93. Taking pictures
94. Getting lost (only if I don’t have to be somewhere)
95. Watching two people get engaged (at a Ben Folds concert!)
96. Bowling (any takers? Amy?)
97. Oversized hoodies
98. My sister-in-law’s “holiday tree”
99. Sitting by candlelight
100. Writing a “100 Joys” list for my blog

being a girl

Being a girl.

I've had a lot of thoughts about this as of late. I know, that sounds weird. I've been a girl for over 25 years, you think I'd be used to the idea by now. But I guess you could say that I've always wondered about gender and the roles of gender, and it's been on my mind a lot lately. I'm not sure if it's because two of my five classes focus a lot on gender roles, if it's because that maternal instinct thing has been creeping in a ton, making it really hard to subdue the deep desire to get married and have a family, if it's because I find myself submersed in a world of interest that is typically dominated by men (music & film) or if it's something subconscious, that I'm not even aware of... But for whatever reason, I've been thinking about gender, femininity and my role as a female.

I'll apologize now for any male readers who are like, "What? I don't want read about femininity!"

This past weekend, I was contracted out (that still sounds so funny to me) by Imago Media (my brother's production company) to work at a conference down in Springfield, IL. I have worked as a part of the production team for a youth conference for the past four summers, and am pretty familiar with doing the CGs for worship. I am pretty familiar with the program Keynote, which is why they asked me to go along. However, I really struggled while we were there. Here I was, one of the only girls in the room (with the exception of 2 female union workers - but let's just say, they're not the most pleasant people you'd ever come across), toting around huge equipment cases, and feeling VERY unfeminine. Even my brother and I had a conversation on the way home about it. I said that there are often times where I feel like just letting a guy do something for me, even if I can do it myself, just so I feel more "girlie". Like, being incapable, weak, or soft are requirements for being a girl. My brother assured me this wasn't the case, but winding up cable snakes, pushing around 15 foot screen cases, and loading a Ryder truck don't exactly mirror the epitome of femininity, you know?

And then there's the whole music thing... I have yet to meet a girl who's nearly as obsessed with music as I am. I'm at least a little comforted in the area of film. I'm surrounded by female film students at school. However, I'm still stuck with being the only girl I know who's TOTALLY into music. A couple weeks ago, I was supposed to go to a Guster concert with my brother. He ended up being REALLY sick and couldn't go. I scrambled to try to find someone to go with, and the only people I could come up with who had even heard of Guster, were all guys. Now, this isn't necessarily a bad thing, except for the fact that all of my guy friends who are Guster fans have girlfriends or wives, making it a little awkward to take a trip down to Chicago with them. I ended up finding a girl friend of mine who just thought it'd be fun to go along, but it again awaked me to the fact that I feel very alone being female and a complete music junkie.

There are other areas were this is the case too - where I worry if I'm not "girlie" enough. Sometimes I wonder if that's why I've only dated one person in my entire life - I'm not girlie enough, or I don't fit some sort of "girlie" mold like I'm supposed to. Sometimes I wonder if that's what's "wrong" with me. And yet, I have to believe that the stereotypes that we're fed through the media of what a "woman" is, or what true femininity is, is completely skewed, horribly innaccurate, and almost impossible to achieve. Proverbs 31 supposedly gives such great examples of what a "woman of God" is supposed to be... And yet, I still struggle with the everday descriptions that we're handed. I struggle with feeling like I don't completely fit the mold, and that everyone around me knows it and is aware of it. I don't by any means want to make it sound like I'm a tomboy - I'm really not. I had my days of being a tomboy when I was younger. I do however, definitely have some very girlie traits: though I don't necessarily sport it, I love fashion and learning about fashion, I can't wait to be a wife and mom, and pray every day that I will be blessed with both those positions, I have an undeniable love for animals (real and stuffed... I just had to part with two dozen stuffed animals. It was a sad day. Doesn't get more girlie than that.), I rather enjoy pink, bubble baths, writing notes, watching chick flicks, and of course, having a good cry.

However, it's just weird when I have those moments where I feel as if I'm breaking some sort of female code because I live, eat, sleep, and breath music, or because I like to work on stage crews, or because I'm into video/graphics stuff, or because I like to watch shows with my dad like Myth Busters, Monster Garage, and Orange County Choppers. I've always thought it'd be fun to restore an old car. I like to watch sports. And I even like to play video games.

Does anyone else ever have those moments, and I'm not just talking about femininity - but where they feel like they're so outside of what society tells them they're supposed to be - how they're suppoed to act, what they're supposed to be interested in, what they're supposed to look like?

Or am I a lone duck on this one?