beauty

I find it interesting. It seems so strange to me that someone in my position – with pretty much everything in the world available at my fingertips – still has the ability to feel as though I have nothing… what a ridiculous thought and feeling.

I had an interview at the Milwaukee Rescue Mission on Thursday. As I drove down there, I realized just how easily I forget how a majority of the world lives, and what a majority of the world has to deal with on a daily basis. I grew up in the suburbs. I grew up going to church. I went to a private school. I was surrounded by friends and family who loved me. I never once had to think about where I was going to sleep, where my next meal was going to come from, or if my surroundings were even safe enough to survive in. And yet, so often that I forget these are things that plague people’s daily thoughts. While driving to my interview, I drove past people who I’m sure have some if not all of these concerns on their hearts and minds. I passed people whose clothes were not clean, who looked like it had been a while since they’d last eaten, who looked lost… And not more than 12 hours later, I had already forgotten about them. My own problems seemed more important than any of the things they may have been facing. I forgot everything I had been given, everything I take for granted…

The other day, I found the picture you see above. I searched “reaching” on Google Images, and this was one of the first things I found. Why was I searching the word “reaching?” Because that’s what I felt like. I felt like I was reaching – reaching for the things I longed for, the things I felt I deserved… I felt as though I had been dealt a raw deal, seeing no beauty in anything, and was reaching for something different. I do these kind of searches often. It’s fascinating the results I come across. It helps me to reshape my thinking. I remember once night a few months ago, feeling really really sad. So, I googled the words “sad woman.” The images I came across were amazing. Some of them made me even more sad, but also gave me a new realization – that I am so often blind to the beauty in life.

A while back, I wrote a post about a documentary I had watched about the red light district in Calcutta. I had forgotten all about that movie until just recently. So easily I forget. But it made me realize that not only am I spoiled – thinking that my life situation is as about as ugly as it can get, when in reality it pales in comparison – but I also realized that these people who have it much worse than I do are still able to see beauty in life. They are able to take joy in the smallest of riches, and they are able to see life for its possibilities, not its disappointments. I am humbled by their ability… an ability I myself am not able to claim, but am challenged to work on acquiring.

I am definitely nowhere near having it all figured out... I continue to forget this pursuit on a daily basis. I have spent the past few days wallowing in a big pile of self-pity. But every time I do an image search, every time I take a drive to a neighborhood I’ve never been to, every time I think about the rest of the world and how they view life, what seems to be wearing on my heart and mind seems small and insignificant, and I’m reminded to look for the beauty that exists.

When I write out thoughts like this, I typically try to be methodical about it. I think about what words I want to use, what words make me sound more intelligent or witty, and I revise it in hopes to make it sound as good as possible. However, that’s not what I wanted to do this time around. I felt like I wanted to share some honest writing with you – what my heart was saying right as it was saying it.

I realize this will come across fairly unpolished, and maybe a bit unfinished… It’s not often that I come to conclusions though, and maybe that’s why I like to write… I love unfinished thoughts. It means that I’m still learning. I hope that I never stop learning.

In a few hours, I’ll probably be back to forgetting about this entry, about the people I’ve seen over the past few days, and the images I’ve come across. But I wanted to write it anyway. Hopefully it’ll serve as a reminder to NOT forget. I went back to an old blog entry today, and was really challenged by some of the things I had written not that long ago. I hope this entry will do the same. On days when I feel like my life situation is at its ugliest, I want to look to those who are able to see the beauty in their surroundings.

May I too see the beauty that surrounds me.

(Image found at: www.qfund4aids.org)