non-existent

Ok, I have officially declared my drawing abilities to be non-existent. Well, maybe not entirely. I mean, after all, I can draw a pretty mean circle, and I do have a fun swirl design I doodle all over my notes in class. But every time I try to sit down and attempt to draw what I see in my head, it just will not come out!

As some of you know, I have recently had a great desire to write a children's book. I was thinking about asking a good friend of mine to collaborate with me - I would write the story, he would illustrate it. However, I sat in the children's section at Barnes and Noble tonight and read a few books where the illustrations DEFINITELY carried the story. Seriously, almost ANYTHING could have been written on the page... I was actually pretty surprised by what kinds of books have gotten published. So the more I began to think about it, I was like, "Shoot... I need to be able to illustrate the story myself."

Now let me back up a bit... A couple nights ago, I sat down and finally started to lay out an idea that had been rolling around in my head. I figured I'd write the story and do rough sketches in order to give my friend a good idea of what I was looking for as far as the illustrations were concerned. Let me just say, I had an absolute blast. I haven't taken time to just sit and draw in a really long time. I think I was at it for at least 2 hours. So fun, and so relaxing. But see, the thing is, the drawings didn't need to be good. They were simply rough sketches for ideas - not the final product. Therefore, no pressure, which lead to it being a really fun, and enjoyable time.

Ok, jump back to tonight. I sat down and tried to come up with different ideas for good cartoon figures for children's books. I thought, "How fun would it be to write a story about an ostrich." So, I attempted to draw an ostrich cartoon. Oh my. It was quite frightening. I first started with a realistic drawing of one, just to get a feel for the shape of the ostrich. The, I tried a cartoon version of one - absolutely frightening. It looked like some crazy geometric monster. I tried a few other sketches, and NOTHING was coming out the way I wanted it to. So frustrating.

I'm back to where I was about 9 months ago when I posted about art envy. I spent the past couple of days reading different graphic novels and different children's books that have amazing illustrations. I spent a good hour or so at the art supply store just looking at all the art supplies I would love to have in my possession. Even as I write this, I have the beautifully illustrated "The Day I Swapped My Dad For Two Goldfish" sitting next to me, hoping for an ounce of inspiration.

I know that I should be grateful for the gifts I have, and not be so frustrated that I can't do certain things... But I can't help it. I want to write a children's book. I want to illustrate it. I want to sell it to a publisher, make some money off of it, and open a children's bookstore. Guess I just "want" a lot, huh?

But I think my hand is defunct. It won't do what I want it to do.
Leaving me with nothing but a blank sketch pad to stare at.

l-o-v-e

...a topic that has recently surfaced in numerous conversations I've had recently. Maybe it's because it's Christmas. Maybe it's because the amount of single people my age seem to be slowly vaporating. Ok, maybe not vaporating, but quickly becoming un-single. That's for sure. Who knows... But it's definitely a hot topic.

I rarely write about this topic though... At least, I don't think I write about it that much. I don't usually like to share that much of the inner workings of my head and heart on this issue. But, because I've had so many conversations about it with people recently, I thought I'd attempt a blog about it.

First of all, let me say this... I have like, no experience with this topic. Seriously. I'm 25, and I've been on a total of roughly 4 dates, all with the same person. My dating experience is next to nothing. The only guy I dated was for a very short period of time, and it was a bad idea from the start. Don't get me wrong - he was a sweet guy. In fact, he's married now. But when we decided to date, it was purely logical (on my end) and not romantic. It made sense to date him. But he was too good of a friend, and I just didn't feel that way about him.

I guess the thing I'm wondering is why so many of my single friends - myself included - seem to have a geniune loss of hope that they'll find "someone." Granted, a good chunk of my "single" friends are younger than me, and have time to find someone... Heck, I'm still fairly young, and have time. But I have come across numerous people who seem to have no hope that they'll find someone. And no offense to those of you who do have someone - but hearing the oh-so-common phrase "It'll happen one day" or "God's got someone in store for you" isn't of much consolation when you geniunely do not believe it.

I don't want you to think I'm completely hopeless - I'm not. There's a small part of me that thinks it's still a possibility. I'm guessing I'll at least have another date or two at the very least. However, there's also a part of me that wonders if my independent/loner nature will serve some sort of purpose - that I will remain single for the rest of my life.

I don't know the answers to this one. I don't know if I'll ever find someone. I don't know if I'll get to journey through life with someone by my side. I don't know if I'll ever be looked at lovingly. I don't know if I'll get to hear the words "Will you marry me?" Heck, I don't even know if I'll ever get kissed (yup... pretty sad... 25 and never been kissed).

All I know is being single is not easy... I always hear my married friends say, "Being married is work." Well, so is being single. I always hear my married friends say, "You'll find someone." It's an easy thing for them to say - they FOUND someone. I always hear my friends say, "Be patient." And I want to say, "What do you think I've been doing for the past 25 years?" Granted, some days I'm more patient than others, but let's just say I've "waited" in multiple aspects.

Here's the thing though... I don't want just anyone. I don't want to settle. I want to find the person I've imagined since I was a little girl. I know that person will not be perfect. I know that person will have flaws, will disappoint me, and will cause me pain. But I also know that that person, should I meet him, will have the potential to inspire me, challenge me, and make me unbearably happy. So while I am SUPER frustrated with my lack of knowledge/experience, and slight lack of hope, I am definitely solid on the fact that if it does happen, it'll be amazing because I don't want just anyone, and I won't settle.

So what is the point of the post? Not much... Just wanted to ramble about a hot topic in the single world: l-o-v-e. And now comes the point in the post where YOU get to ramble about love...
So leave a comment!
My comments section is lonely!

for blue skies

My newest playlist has emerged... Some of the songs on here are on other playlists I have posted, but a good portion of them are new due to recent acquisitions. I'm loving this playlist, that's for sure. It's a pretty mellow mix, and was originally designed as a "road trip" mix. However, seeing as how I'm not taking a road trip any time soon, I figured I'd stick to a trend I started a few playlists ago, and name it after a song that exists in the list.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the current playlist that's on repeat on my iPod:

"For Blue Skies"

"Brighter Than Sunshine" - Aqualung
"This Train Doesn't Stop There Anymore" - Elton John
"When In Rome" - Nickel Creek
"Come Pick Me Up" - Ryan Adams
"America" - Simon & Garfunkle
"Heartbeats" - Jose Gonzalez
"The Trapeze Swinger" - Iron & Wine
"Hide and Seek" - Imogen Heap
"For Blue Skies" - Strays Don't Sleep
"Fall Away" - The Fray
"The Best of Me (Acoustic Version)" - The Starting Line
"I Saw" - Matt Nathanson
"It's You" - Ryan Cabrera
"Blue Sky Blues" - Ryan Adams
"Falter" - Lori McKenna
"Hallelujah" covered by Allison Crowe
"Goodbye My Lover" - James Blunt
"When The Music's Not Forgotten" - Deadman
"Long Ride Home" - Patty Griffin
"My Father's Gun" - Elton John
"Sullivan Street" - Counting Crows
"Same In Any Language" - I-Nine
"Carry On" - Kadence
"On Your Way" - Eastmountainsouth
"Home" - Michael Buble
"Afternoons" - Lori McKenna

Well, there it is folks. Great mix. Good stuff. There's quite a few songs from the Elizabethtown soundtrack, lots of folk thrown in there, with a few other random songs. But I'm loving it.

spiral bound

When I was little, our family was good friends with another family... The Reniers. Our parents were good friends, and therefore, us kids hung out quite a bit. There were two boys, and two girls... Kelly (my brother) and Aaron, and Katie and myself. I have memories of swimming in hotel pools with them, riding on the back of an elephant at a zoo with them, and listening to Weird Al songs. However, as we got older, we all sort of lost track. Mrs. Renier (Hackbarth now) would send us letters/cards every Christmas, but we rarely got to see them, especially the kids. I don't know when I last saw Aaron or Katie... I'm guessing it was at least 10-15 years ago.

This Christmas, I received a book from my parents entitled "Spiral Bound" written by Aaron Renier. How cool is that? It's a graphic novel - Aaron's first - and it's doing pretty well. It had recommends on the back from Lemony Snicket and Dav Pilkey (one of Aaron's good friends, and author of Captain Underpants), as well as someone from Nickolodeon. So cool. And I have a signed copy. Fun, fun...

As most of you know by now, I have had an overwhelming interest in children's books over the past 6 months. I don't really know where it came from, or how it came about, but it's been a pretty strong interest in children's lit. Recently, I've had the incling to write a children's book (I had written one in fourth grade...hahahah... but the idea did not resurface again until recently!) Anyway, Aaron's book has given me a bit of inspiration to possibly pursue the idea a little more... Don't know if I will or not... Only time will tell.

However, I just wanted to tell you about Spiral Bound. I have yet to read it, but it looks pretty slick. It's available on Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com if anyone is interested... It's got fun illustrations, and it just looks like it's a good adventure story.

So check it out. "Spiral Bound" by Aaron Renier.
And to Aaron... Thanks for the autograph, additional sketch, and the inspiration to take a crack at it.
Much luck to you in the future.

(PS - This is my 200th post. Craziness)

rated PG

I have a friend who tends to rate a lot of things "PG" - as in,
Praise God.

This week can only be rated as such.

My brother and sister-in-law had some really crazy things happen to them this past week. After a few really rough months, this only seemed to add fuel to the fire. However, it's amazing to see how God provided for them... Seriously, it's a pretty stellar story. It's definitely not over, and they're still trying to pick up the pieces that have scattered all over the place. However, they definitely had some PG moments this week.

I too had my own PG moment this weekend. On Friday, 10 minutes prior to my walking out the door for a work-related holiday party, I received an email from my college advisor. It stated, "You have not been cleared for graduation in May 2006." My heart dropped. Not cleared? Why not? As I continued to read the email, my advisor informed me that I had not taken a class I needed to take, and that I must drop one of my classes during the Spring semester in order to graduate. I really had no room to shuffle things around, and I really was not looking forward to dropping my Modern Biblical and Hebrew literature class, where we will be studying the Torah in great depth. I was so excited for that, hoping it would stoke some dedication to reading the Bible on a more regular basis. For two days I stewed over how I was going to work it out, fit the class into my schedule, and still be able to graduate. I sent an email to my advisor, as well as the chair of the English department. I had no idea what I was going to do. I just knew that if I couldn't graduate, I'd be heartbroken.

Today, I received another email from my advisor. He had done some checking, and was able to clear it up with the department. I am now scheduled to graduate in May of 2006. A PG MOMENT ALL THE WAY!

I just wanted to share with you about the PG week that was experienced by my family and I this week.
Sometimes, it's so easy to get caught up in all the crap that's going on, that I forget to give praise where praise is due (even though praise is due during the crap as well!)

Thanks to my friend C-Sliw for the rating system.

my doorbell

"I'm thinking about my doorbell
When ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it?
I'm thinking about my doorbell
When ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it?"

Yes, these are the lyrics that have been running through my head non-stop, all day today. Literally, from the time I woke up (9am) until now (11:30pm) I have been repeating those lines - over and over and over. Granted, the song (and the video) are a lot of fun ("My Doorbell - The White Stripes) but SHEESH! I'm not sure I could be more annoyed... It's almost as bad as when I use to get the "do do do do do do do do" part from Tom's Diner stuck in my head. Again, another good song, but REALLY annoying to have stuck.

That's all I wanted to share.
Jack and Meg's little ditty has been haunting me all day.

For the love of God, GO AWAY!

jake

(photo from http://cj-buni.tripod.com)

I know I'm probably going to catch a lot of flack for this post. I realize, you are probably all thinking, "You just like him because he's SO dang good looking." Well, yes, I will admit - I do think that. Tis very true.

However, I was watching a movie special on VH1 tonight about Brokeback Mountain - the new movie that Jake Gyllenhaal is going to be in, and it got me thinking about his movie career, and all the different projects he has chosen to be a part of. I really think he is extremely talented, and has made some really unique choices. While I may not think each of his movies are the greatest for various reasons, there is an artistic element to a lot of them that makes them very intriguing. Not to mention he's been popping up a TON lately. I mean, three movies that all came out this fall - craziness. He came out in the not-so-well advertised Proof, the over-advertised Jarhead, and the movie that comes out tomorrow Brokeback Mountain. He's been in movies such as October Sky, The Good Girl, Donnie Darko, Moonlight Mile, The Day After Tomorrow, and um... well... Bubble Boy, but we won't talk about that one, and others I'm sure I'm forgetting.

Sad to say, I haven't seen any of his movies that have come out this fall, but hopefully that will change soon. I've heard Jarhead is amazing, and despite the discomfort that will probably come from Brokeback Mountain, I really want to see it. I've heard it's beautifully shot, and is a really good "emotional journey."

So, despite the flack I'll probably receive, I just wanted to take a moment to highlight an actor who I think is brilliant - he's shown it in the past, and is just now starting to really shine.

Yay for Jake Gyllenhaal.

Next celebrity post: Michele Gondry. The man is freaking brilliant.

nonpareils

(image taken from www.candywarehouse.com)

When I was little, going to the candy store was the best. Oh, every so often my friend Leah and I would walk down to the local Super America and buy ourselves some Lemonheads, Jawbreakers, or Laughy Taffy... But I'm talking about the REAL candy store. The kind of candy store where you have to have someone get the candy for you. Where it's piled high in glass cases, just asking to be eaten. Going to the REAL candy store (Buddy Squirrel to be exact) was one of the best trips (next to going to the pool) that I had as a little kid.

Nonpareils. That's all I have to say. Best candy known to man. Michigan cherries are a close second.

To be honest with you, I didn't even know the name of the candy I adored when I was a kid - not until today at least. I was walking over to the printer today at work, when lo and behold, there on one of the tables, was a bowl of these Smooth & Milky Nonpareil Mint Kisses. I had no idea that was even their name. I just knew that they were one of my favorite indulgences as a kid, and I hadn't had one in ages. I picked up a pink one, popped it into my mouth, and about a minute after swallowing it, remembered why it had been so long since I had one.

I have this memory. It's not exact, and I can't even tell you how old I was, but I got a bag of these candies. And I think I devoured the whole thing within like, a half an hour. Bad news to say the least. I remember feeling so sick afterwards, and that's how it felt today when I popped that candy in my mouth. I only had to have one piece of it, and a flood of memories came back about when I was little - but then, the memory of getting really sick came back, and I couldn't even look at them afterwards.

I asked a whole mess of people in my department what the name of my candy was because I knew I wanted to write a blog about it. I know, kind of lame. But there's a reason why I wanted to write about it. I thought about that sickening feeling all day, and began to think about how often we do that in life - whether it be with relationships, entertainment, experiences, whatever... How often we come to love something SOOOOO much, that we have to devour it - soak in every little bit of it that we can, until we can no longer stand up straight, and feel as though we'll hurl it up any second. I know that there are so many things - and I'm not talking about just candy - that I do this with. I will become so fascinated, so fixated on something that I end up taking in too much of it, and it ends up being the worst thing for me.

Does anyone else do this? Or am I just that nutso that I get super passionate about something, almost to a fault? I think the idea of moderation is interesting. So often, I think of it only in regards to bodily consumption - alcohol, comfort food (nonpareils), etc. I don't often think about the emotional aspect of moderation. However, I'm starting think everything in life is meant in moderation. However, I don't know what this would look like... For someone who gets so passionate about something, so excited, so enthralled, it's hard to imagine toning it down, and taking it in with great ease and moderation.

Hmm... I don't really have a closing thought. I wish I had a nice bow to put on it. They're just my thoughts. Incomplete, and still in the works.

Aren't they always?

family friendly

Ok folks...

My friend Aaron over at c2ak posted this on his website. I emailed the link to a couple friends who I thought would enjoy it, but then I thought to myself that some of you may enjoy it as well.

So I bring this to you.

Aaron wrote on his website:
Want to change a horror movie in to a feel good family movie. Just change the trailer.

Go here to see the new, feel good family movie.

Brilliant.

blunt

(photo taken from www.jamesblunt.com)

As many of you know, I'm a total sucker for a piano. And there is definitely no exception when it comes to James Blunt. I really like his music. The first song I got of his was a free download through iTunes - "High." He's become pretty well known in the US with the song "You're Beautiful," but the one I'm currently digging is "Goodbye My Lover."

However, did any of you see James Blunt perform on SNL? Yowza. Did anyone else find him creepy? He kep looking directly at the camera, and he had this "Goodbye my lover... I'm going to stalk you" mixed with a deer-caught-in-headlights look. Kinda creepy. And is it just me, or does he slightly resemble Jon Heder?

One more SNL comment... How many more times can they show the "Morgan Stanley" commercial/sketch? SERIOUSLY! I rarely watch SNL, and yet I've somehow managed to catch that commercial/sketch like 3 or 4 times.

SNL... What a shame it's become.

space

I'm sitting on a window seat at school. I have always loved window seats, and desperately dream of someday having one of my own in the place where I reside. There's something so great about sitting next to the world, being able to take it in at full size. I'm not talking about looking out some 4x4 window... We're talking full sized, near floor-to-ceiling window. Brilliant. And it's heated (ah, warmth) but even better, it's on the second floor. I'm looking down on a guy walking his bike across campus, a girl who's braving the cold wind and snow in just a hoodie, and the courtyard where in-between-class leisure time is spent when the weather provides a more appealing atmopshere. I'm sitting in a place where conversations happen - students discuss homework assignments with professors, some of them arguing, people say I love you, and people break up, people scream "Girl, wassup?!" down the hall, curse using just about every foul word possible, and people engage in other raondom verbal interactions. I'm sitting in a place where people run to class, meet up with friends, satisfy the munchies, and supposedly become better educated in the process. Yet somehow amidst all the hustle and bustle that happens within these halls, I am able to slow down, and enjoy the quiet moments in life. I love being able to look out the window, and watch a single snowflake attempt to complete its path towards the ground. I love listening to the hum of the heater, indicating that there is no one else around to steal the spotlight from it's monotonous, yet soothing sound. I love sitting against the wall of my window seat, and feeling the warmth of the sunshine on my face, distracting me from the cold that waits for me outside. It is in these moments, in this place, that I find a sense of peace. Where I can put all the events of the day, all the harshness of the world, the bitter cold of winter, and everything else around me aside, and breathe. This window seat... has magical powers. It seems almost sacred.

Now, I realize this sounds weird, and somewhat pointless. However, I do have a point. I was thinking about space - actual, physical space that we occupy. The places we go, have been to, and spend many hours of our lives. I don't know about you, but one of my favorite places in the world, is my bed. I love to take naps! But as I began to think more about this idea of space, I couldn't help but think of one space in particular - church. Now, when I talk about church (little c) I'm not talking about a body of believers who gather together. I'm talking about the physical building where they meet. So often, I think we just see it as the place we go on Sundays. It's the place where we sing songs, where we listen to someone teach, and where we have potlucks (if you have missed out on this tradition, be thankful). However, what if we began to treat it like my window seat... What it become more of a sanctuary, a place where we could find peace, silence, and solitude. I think in order to make the distinction that Church (big C) doesn't not rely on church (little c) we forget that it CAN serve a function. At least I do... And I think it hasn't been until recently that I've realized the effect of it.

I've mentioned before on my blog that I have a love for the piano. We no longer have a piano at my house, so I would always play the baby grand we had at the church I attended/worked for. It was beautiful, and I loved playing it. But I can remember times, sitting in the sanctuary where it was located, and feeling a sense of awe... Here was this sanctuary - a place that had been the grounds for worship and learning, along with many arguments, rules and regulations... Yet, when I was there by myself, in the dark, just me and God, it changed. This room that had been host to many Sunday morning sermons and tense church meetings, somehow felt so much more like a sacred sanctuary... So often I took that "space" for granted, not recognizing that it was a holy place, and that I was on holy ground...

This is not to say that this is the only holy place. In fact, I'm saying that I think we function according to the opposite assumption. For instance, how many of you feel like you connect more with God on a mountain top? sitting by the ocean? looking at the stars? These are all places I think we deem as "holy". Yet, the place where people communally invite God in, you'd think would be considered in the same way. But it's not... We see it as a building: carpet, pews, podiums, halls, crosses.

I wonder what church would look like if we were asked to take off our shoes before entering in? I wonder what it would look like if instead of making the church look more like a movie theater, it reflected a more sacred atmopshere? What if instead of spending our energy on rules and regulations about what SHOULDN'T happen in the "auditorium," we spent our energy modeling a type of worship where that respect would come naturally?

Who knew that sitting in my window seat would spur such thoughts. I think I have just been struck by the idea that a "space" can be so special, so sacred. And that lead me to wonder if the church - the actual building - could ever look like that. The place where I should MOST want to meet God, I don't - or so it seems. The place where people are supposed to "find God," they don't because no one else is there to meet Him unless there's a program to go along with it.

These thoughts may make no sense, and for that I apologize. This post is a bit of a stream-of-consciousness. However, sometimes I like to post them because then people comment on things I never even thought of. So if you have any thoughts, I'd love to hear them.

lost

I know there's going to be one person in particular who will not be too happy with this post, but I'm going to post it anyway.

Did any of you watch Lost last night?

I will try to not give away anything for those of you who haven't seen it, but last night made me happy. I felt like last night, the show returned to what it was that first made me like it... Where I sit in front of the TV and can only say "What the hell?" I've been saying that a lot lately, for some unknown reason. But last night made me say that a couple times, and I loved it. I love the fact that I have NO idea what is going on, or why things are happening. I love it when they focus more on the mysterious aspects of the island, versus the personal conflicts on the island (which are good, but can sometimes get old). Last night was just a good "what the hell" type episode.

And I loved it.

Can I also tell you how much I love Mr. Ecko?

That's my mini-post for now.
Maybe I'll post more later today.