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I have a picture.

This is my little friend Elijah. I haven't seen Elijah in months. He's probably so much bigger, and all the more adorable... I miss him immensely.

But I thought this picture was fitting for this entry. We were having so much fun when we took this picture - laughing and laughing - so much, it was difficult to get a picture that wasn't blurry. A little over a week ago, I posted an entry about a "joy journey" I would take. I would like to clarify that what I'm about to list is not my main source of joy... rather, these are the things that when I am down, frustrated, sad, angry, annoyed... fill in the blank... that I look to, that help me remember the little things in life worth celebrating. My brother's friend Shauna wrote a book called "Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life." I love the title for this book, and I love the contents of the book even more. Shauna is so good at loving life, and celebrating even the simplest of things.

And that was the purpose of my joy journey - to exercise my ability to focus on celebration rather than frustration, to recognize beauty in life, rather than ugliness, and to remember that being a kid - or rather, enjoying the life-giving activities of children - is sometimes far more fun than being an adult.

So, without further introductory rambling, I present to you my joys list from the past week:

- Listening to the "Curious George" soundtrack at work.
- Coloring on my lunch break.
- Random invite out to lunch by a favorite co-worker
- Spelling out words one letter at a time in the email subject line
- Wetsuit-sporting rubber duck my boss brought back from her business trip
- Uncontrollable-laughter-which-leads-to-crying
- Facebook messages from people I haven't seen/talked to in a while
- My co-worker Kate, and all our weird quirky jokes
- Friends who encourage me to pursue what I love
- This amazing coloring book I found at Barnes and Noble, that one day, I will own
- Dreaming about planting a church
- Friends who suggest children's books for me to read
- When a person brushes about 8 inches of snow off my car... anonymously
- Snow days
- Nerd glasses - especially when worn by a one Mr. Nigel
- M. Night Shyamalan movies
- Little kid giggles
- Funny miscommunications (still wondering how "Nelson-Rowe" = "Nosow")
- Unexpected thoughtfulness from others
- New music playlists

I'm sure there were more, but these were the "documented" ones. I had a great week. Lots of events, lots of people, and lots of moments that contributed to a what I would consider a week filled with joy.

It was interesting to see, how when I made a conscious decision to focus on the positive, how much more quickly the negative seemed to disappear. I found it interesting how much my attitude changed the more I chose to celebrate, rather than sulk. It didn't always work. I still found moments where I was down, or frustrated...

But I started to wonder what might happen if I made it a habit of doing this daily? Instead of it being some sort of experiment for a blog post, if it were to become a lifestyle? I am both excited and challenged by this joy journey, and where it has taken me. I can only hope that as I move forward, I am able to continue the journey in a way that goes beyond a one week experiment, but rather, something that will forever transform my ability to celebrate the extraordinary in every day life.

commitment

Earlier this week, as I was sitting at my desk at work, daydreaming about how glorious a snow day would be, I received an email from my friend. It simply said,

“Deep.

Ham and eggs. A days work for the chicken, a lifetime commitment for the pig.”

Deep.”

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I laughed pretty hard, and thanked my friend for providing me with a humorous intermission during my somewhat monotonous day. However, this quote kept replaying over and over in my head, and I began to think about the truth behind it’s statement.

I know, I know… Gosh Tory, why do you have to make everything so serious and deep? Well, simple answer: Because I can. I love humor, and I definitely enjoyed the humorous angle to the above statement. But I also love when I discover profound thought and truth in simple things, especially when it smacks me over the head, as it often does.

I began to think more about this quote, and actually found some interesting alternatives. One such alternative reads:

"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved; the pig is committed.”

I use the term “committed” so loosely sometimes. I’m committed to eating healthier (which is why I’ve eaten too many pieces of banana bread today). I’m committed to writing a “quote series” on my blog (which is why I haven’t written for three days). I’m committed to becoming a better photographer (and yet, ask me how many photos I’ve taken in the past month – it’s pathetic, really). I’m committed to following Jesus (which is why I daily have to remind myself of that commitment). So often do I say I’m committed, and so often do I fail to truly understand what that means.

However, I don’t think commitment is something to take lightly.

I’m not always so flippant about commitment… In fact, it is a trait I strive to own. Take when I worked at the Mission… I worked so many hours off the clock, spent so many dollars of the money I made while actually punched in, and gave a huge piece of my heart away to children and friends I adored. I lived and breathed everything that was going on while I was there. I loved it. It was my passion, and I was committed to it 110%.

However, I started to think about the things I’m NOT so passionate about… Where I currently work, being one of those things. I am committed because I signed an agreement that said I would be an employee of ASQ. I am committed because working there pays my bills – if I don’t work, I don’t have money to pay rent, which would mean I ultimately wouldn’t have a place to live. I’m committed because I gave them my word that every day, I would show up at 8, and work until 5. However, I’m not passionate about it. It is just a commitment I have made that day in and day out, I keep to because I have to. It’s not really an option.

The thing that stuck out to me about commitment in the story of ham and eggs though, and the difference between situation one and situation two is this idea of sacrifice. How far does my commitment go, and what am I willing to sacrifice for it? This became tough when I started looking at other areas of my life, and how committed I am to them.

How committed am I to going to and being a sacrificial member of a church?

How committed am I to loving my neighbors, no matter what the cost?

How committed am I to loving my co-workers, even if it means I don’t like my job?

How committed am I to following Jesus, no matter how messy it gets?

How much am I willing to sacrifice for these things?

I began to wonder if I’m more like the chicken – simply a donor of minor proportions; or more like the pig – who gives his entire life for the cause. Sadly, I think more often than not, I’m a chicken.

I wonder if that’s where the taunting phrase came from. You know when you’re a kid, and you’re afraid to do something – they yell “Chicken!” To some extent, what they’re really saying is, “You’re scared to commit. You’re scared to see what could really happen if you let go of it all… You’re too afraid to sacrifice it all for this one, big thing.”

That’s me… all the way. I’m scared to commit to what I don’t know or understand. I’m scared to see what could happen if I really let go. And I’m scared to sacrifice it all, even though I know it’s for something far better. Basically, I’m scared to be the pig.

But scary as it may be, commitment requires that I be the pig. It requires that I move beyond being a passive donor, and move towards being a sacrificial contributor. It requires that I no longer give just part of me, but all of me.

May I be a person who provides the ham, not just eggs.

(ps. check back later this week for a drawing I created in my journal to go with this post... should be up in the next couple of days)

joy

One joy scatters a hundred griefs.
- Chinese Proverb

Today, I was posed with a question: Why do we - humanity in general - tend to use what we’re against to define us, rather than what we’re for? It was a good discussion, and it was interesting to hear the different answers we came up with. I’m still chewing on this idea a bit, and hope to tackle it soon, but this question lead me on another rabbit trail of thought as I drove home after conversing with my friend.

For some reason, my mind began to drift towards the idea of joy, and why it is we let grief consume us rather than joy. I had a frustrating weekend. Nothing major or of any great consequence happened, but due to a few different circumstances, I found myself incredibly frustrated, and at one point almost angry, over things that were happening. While I could rationalize to myself that in the grand scheme of things, what happened over the weekend really didn’t matter all that much, I couldn’t seem to shake the frustration, or the sadness that I was feeling.

Today, I really began to think about just how much I allow grief, or frustration, or pain to grip my soul. I become so stuck in those moments, that I can't seem to see anything beyond.

A while back, I used to create a “joys” list whenever I felt stuck like that. I know that originally, I got the idea from a fellow blogger. I read through their list of “joys” – the things in life they were choosing to celebrate – and was inspired to create my own list.

In my search this evening to find a quote for this series, I came across the above Chinese proverb. Originally, I was turned off to the idea of writing about it. I continued to search for other quotes, but kept coming across it. Finally, I resorted myself to the idea that maybe – just maybe – my repetitious discovery of the quote meant I need to sit with.

So here I am… Sitting with it.

I am curious to see how true this statement is. I wonder, if in the midst of frustration, in the midst of sadness, in the midst of whatever it is that I’m feeling that is the opposite of joy, what that might do for my soul? I wonder if I took a moment to reflect on what brings me joy, if I took some time to genuinely soak in the life-giving nature of that joy, how it might transform me? What shifting my focus, choosing to dwell in the brilliant things in life – might that do to that moment? That hour? That day? That week? That month?

I wonder what would happen, if in those moments, I wrote down something that gives me joy – whether it be something with great depth and meaning, or something incredibly simplistic.

My friends, I have a plan.

This week, I am going to carry a little notebook with me everywhere I go (well, almost everywhere…). Throughout the day, I’m going to write down joy as I see it. And in moments of frustration, or hurt, or sadness, I will look for the things that bring me joy. While I can’t take a break every 15 minutes at work (and sometimes, I feel like frustration can come every 15 minutes), my goal is to document my “joy sightings” or my decisions to choose joy over grief, and see what kind of difference it makes in my countenance, my demeanor, and maybe even my ability to spread joy.

It’s a bit of an experiment, if you will. I have no idea if I will be successful. My joy journey may only last one day… But that one day, is better than no days, right? And at least I can share with you how one day affected me.

So stay tuned… I will attempt to provide a joy journey report at the end of the week. My hope is that in between now and then, I will post more blog entries… But I am also sans-iBook right now, so we shall see when the next blog post will arrive.

As always, I appreciate your thoughts and comments. It spurs me on to write more, and it also makes me feel not so alone in this journey. Thanks for taking it with me.