being

“If you would create something, you must be something.”
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

This quote scares me. A lot.

For the past year or so, I’ve been on the “hunt” for inspiration. In the very conversation that led to this “quote series” of blog entries, my friend and I also talked about inspiration – what inspires us and drives us to create. Both of us like to consider ourselves “artists,” and compared the ways in which we feel inspired. My friend is inspired by other people’s creations – when he sees a photo he likes, reads a challenging book, sees a well-crafted movie, or hears a quote that resonates well with him, he is inspired to create. I, on the other hand, am typically inspired by nature – the ocean, a beautiful sunset, a crazy storm… I am also inspired by really good conversations, and watching human interaction. I explained to my friend that for the past year, I’ve felt uninspired – I’ve been looking, and finding little to none.

However, if I fall back on this quote – that in order to create something, I must be something – it seems as though inspiration may be spurred on by who I am, not what I experience. Sounds a bit narcissistic, but track with me here…

I realize that unless I’m God (which clearly I am not), that my creation – whether it be a piece of writing, a photograph, a painting, a piano melody, etc. – has to come from somewhere… And that it’s very possible the things mentioned above can trigger my desire to create. However, I cannot create from nothing. What if, in actuality, we create from who we are – not what we experience. I create because I am a lover of beauty (nature), or because I am a lover of thought, or a lover of people, or because I was designed to reflect a creator… Maybe it’s who I am, how I was designed, and what I’m being, that is the pure force behind what I create.

This brought me back to my journey for inspiration… What if I’m looking for the wrong things? What if it’s easier for me to place my faith in things like the ocean, or my little friends from the Mission, or a girl talking about selling an organ to get an iPod – what if it’s easier for me to place my faith in these things, than it is to look at who I am for inspiration? The things I just listed are separate from who I am and what I’m “being” – things that can very easily disappear and no longer exist. I’ve blamed those missing things for my “lack of inspiration,” that because I no longer work at the Mission, because it’s winter and I can’t sit down by the lakefront, or because I’ve become a bit of a hermit who doesn’t seem to engage in really good conversations anymore, I don’t have any “inspiration”? What if I don’t like who I’m “being” and what if my creation reflects that? I’d much rather create something that reflects beauty, intrigue, and love than I would all the messy places of my soul I so desperately try to hide.

I welcome any thoughts you have on the topic… My goal here is not to make it sound as if everything I create (or we as a collective whole) is based solely on myself and who I am. What I’m saying is that what if who we are, and what we’re striving to be, are the real drivers behind our creativity? I think that for me, it’s made me realize that maybe I should stop trying so hard to find inspiration, and figure out what it is that makes Tory, Tory… and how I can share that with the rest of the world through my creations.

After all… we are all a part of one big story, all of us – our lives, our creations -bringing beauty (even in its ugliness) to the ancient story.

Thoughts… please…

dirt

"Every flower must grow through dirt."
-- Anonymous

I think flowers may just be one of God's most stellar creations. I mean, just think about them... brilliant in color and scent. Delicate, and yet fiercely beautiful. And such an intricate process in order to live and grow.

I know a lot about the intricacies of plants, and the process of keeping them alive. Rather, my experience has been the opposite. I'm TERRIBLE at keeping plants alive. My poor plant at work goes from dry, to wilty, to watered, to dry, to wilty, and continues this cycle on a weekly basis. I'm so neglectful.

However, I'm fascinated by plants and flowers... how they require so many elements working together in order to sustain them, and that they require a lot of work - especially under human care... Such delicate things, those flowers...

Recently in my life, I've had a few people point out what would seem to be, to them, errors in my life. Areas where I am broken, lacking, failing... While there can be some validity to these sorts of "light casting" sessions, I struggle a great deal in believing them to be errors, or something that's "wrong" with me...

I love the above quote. It is so encouraging to my heart and soul, and I think it allows me to wrap my hands around people's comments regarding my character and my life a little bit more easily.

There's no question that a flower needs dirt to grow. It needs all the nutrients the dirt has to offer. Is everything about the dirt beneficial? Probably not. And the dirt isn't necessarily good for much more other than growing things. However, the dirt is absolutely necessary for growth. How often do we neglect our "dirt" or try to cover it up? Sure, we put flowers in cute flower pots, and sure we try to make them look as "homey" as possible... but the fact still remains: there's dirt. It's there. Everyone knows it's there. Everyone can see it. So why do we try so hard to mask our dirt? And how often do we prematurely cut the flower, put it in a vase with only water, and expect it to continue growing in it's new, sans-nutrient environment? I know for me personally, I've gone the vase route too many times. I've been disgusted with the dirt, sick of the clay pot... and decided the vase would be the best place to plant myself. But soon, my water supply becomes depleted, and I suddenly have nothing to promote my growth.

We need the dirt. We need all of the hurt, the pain, the raw emotion, the irrational fears... all of those stretching moments when we learn that we are much smaller and more incapable than we realize. Those moments - as ugly and dirty as they may seem - are really the things that drive our growth; they help us move forward, learn, and change. Sure there is a time to be uprooted... but we need to learn to embrace the dirt, and not look for the quickest route out of the pot.

The cool thing about flowers? Dirt alone won't do the trick. Flowers also need water and sunlight to survive, breathing life into them. How great is that? Our growth is not all about dirt, and we don't have to deal with just dirt 24/7.

I love this idea... Embrace the dirt. Know there will be sunshine.

May I learn to live everyday comfortable in the dirt, beaming amidst the sunshine.

series

I admit it.

I've failed.

I've failed to keep up with this blog.

I've failed on finding inspiration, finding the things in life worth writing about.

I used be so good about posting. I used to have such a deep desire to write almost every day. And recently, it's felt more like a chore.

But I want to write. Really I do.

Even though my actions tell you all otherwise.

However, my good friend S.McConico spewed forth a bunch of "inspirational" ideas to try and jump start my noggin'. Originally, I was a little annoyed because he had a ridiculous amount of ideas, and really, I wanted to find my own inspiration. And none of his ideas seemed similar to the ways I'm normally inspired anyway.

However, I decided to try one of his suggestions: quotes.

I found a whole slew of quotes that resonated well within my soul.

So, I've decided to try something - write a series of blog entries based on quotes. That is my goal. That is my decision.

Let's hope I can stick to this new mini-series of blog posts.

Here we go...

Distractions

Distractions

I got into an interesting conversation with a good friend of mine last night. This good friend of mine has had a goal for quite a while now, but has found himself unable to attain that goal. Just recently, he decided to take some very solid steps towards achieving his goal, and in doing so, hopes to avoid or dismiss any distraction that may arise, keeping him from seeing his goal to completion.

He described a few factors that exist in his life that serve as distractions. Obviously, we all have distractions – things that come up that derail us from accomplishing what we’ve set out to do. Sometimes distractions can be bad. However, I challenged him that I think sometimes, distractions – or derailments – can be good. This then launched us into a huge discussion about what exactly constitutes a “distraction” and are all distractions bad?

I gave him an example from my life:

I was a senior in college. I was 26, a late graduate, having taken 3 years off to “figure out what I want to do with my life.” At age 26, I was ready to begin life. I was ready to have a career, I was ready to begin paying back all the debt I had accrued over the years, and I was ready to move away from the city I’d known my whole life. I wanted something different, something new… I graduated from college with a degree in English, with a focus in media/film studies. My goal was to work my way into the film industry, starting out as a production assistant. My last semester, I met a girl who’s father was the head set designer and stunt coordinator for Paramount Pictures. I found myself with an incredibly promising networking opportunity, friends in L.A. to live with, and an opportunity to live out my dream of being in the film industry.

Then, my plans changed.

Sonlife Ministries is an organization I had worked with for the 4 summers prior to my senior year. I had always been a believer of the organization, and loved the things they were doing. During the same time I was making plans to move to Los Angeles, I was approached by the director of Sonlife Ministries, and offered a temporary position. They needed help running their junior high and high school events, and asked if I was interested. This was something I’d always thought about, but never had the opportunity to pursue. I weighed my options, and after much thought, decided I would switch paths mid-course. I would take the position at Sonlife, and hold off on my thoughts of movie-making.

While at Sonlife, I began to realize that it was not everything I had hoped for. In fact, I knew it was not where I was meant to stay. So after only three months of working there full time, I decided I needed to look into other options. That is when the position at the Milwaukee Rescue Mission fell into my lap… and my life was forever changed.

The Milwaukee Rescue Mission was one of the best things that ever happened to me. It shaped and molded who I am today, and I am forever grateful for that opportunity. While I was only there one short year due to unforeseen circumstances, I fell in love with the city, and now have a clearer picture of what it I am truly passionate about.

Sonlife Ministries was a distraction from my original goal of movie-making. Sonlife ended up not being what I wanted, but it led me to the Mission – something that, had I moved to Los Angeles when originally planned, I would have missed out on.

My friend suggested all of the things that could have happened if I HAD moved out to Los Angeles. I could have found a great job that paid a lot of money, helping me get rid of my debt. I could have met someone, gotten married, and had kids. There are a lot of “could haves” but that doesn’t mean that the Sonlife/Rescue Mission distraction weren’t worth it. It was COMPLETELY worth it. The kids I worked with at the Mission will forever be in my heart, and have changed my view on life a great deal.

As my friend and I continued our conversation, I challenged him to take his “distractions” seriously, and to not just brush them off. I told him, “You never know when what you deem a distraction ends up being life-changing.”

If only I could learn to look at all my “distractions” this way… That where I am might just lead me to where I want to be, even though it doesn’t seem possible right now. Who knows where this path might lead me? And who knows when I will be asked to change paths?My hope is that I, along with my friend, know which path to take when it crosses our current one, and that we learn to be thankful for all the “distractions” that come our way.