questions

Have you ever reached a point in your life where you simply said to yourself "I don't get it..." but you so desperately wanted to "get it"?

When I was in elementary school, I was a math whiz. We'd have timed tests, and I always faired pretty well. Granted, I was rarely the first one done, but my scores would have made any parent proud. As I approached junior high, and started to learn algebra, geometry and trigonometry, math proved to be no harder than elementary school. I was homeschooled, making my way through a book by a well-known organization known for being good, but somewhat tough material. Junior high math proved to be fairly painless, and I felt ready to take on high school math. I had a wretched Algebra 1 class, setting me up for what would be one of the worst acedemic paths of my life. I didn't get it. Math was so easy for me as a kid, but I couldn't do an Algebra problem to save my life. I did poorly in Algebra 1, barely made my way through Geometry, and nearly failed Algebra 2. When I reached college, I had to take an Algebra class. At that point, I didn't get it, but I didn't care. I hated it with every bone in my body, and knew I was headed for trouble. I also knew that another math course lurked around the corner. However, after 2 takes of Algebra, and 2 takes of Statistics, I was done with math, raising my hands to the sky and praising the Lord with my whole being. No more "I don't get it" statements... Well, at least as far as math is concerned.

I was thinking about my math struggles the other day. There were so many moments where I said, "I don't get it." Math made no sense to me, and it just wasn't connecting in my brain. However, the interesting thing was that I didn't care. I didn't care if I ever knew what a variable was, or if I could differentiate between statistics. I simply didn't get it, and didn't care.

I have been struggling a great deal in my faith lately. As many of you know, I've had a couple rough church situations in my life time. My faith in community has been bruised over time, and I'm not totally sure it's anywhere close to healing. Lately though, I've come across a few questions in my spiritual journey where I've simply said "God, I don't get it." I've come across things that make absolutely no sense to me, that don't click in my brain. However, here's the difference: This time, I do care that I don't "get it."

I've found myself in a state of deep frustration, where I've questioned a lot, doubted more than usual, and have even argued a bit with God. I've talked about my love for questions. I absolutely love to ask people questions, including God. I remember reading Job, and it scared me away from questioning God for a very long time. But I believe questions are good. I believe they help us move past the "I don't get it" and onto a deeper understanding.

I remember in my first attempt at college Algebra. I sat there dumbfounded by how much I didn't know as a 19 year old. I was so embarrased that I couldn't do a simple Algebraic equation. Because of my embarrassment, I didn't ask any questions. What I realized is, that by not asking any questions, I didn't get any answers. I just continued with my "I don't get it" mentality, resulting in round 2 of College Algebra.

I'm at a point in my life right now where I don't get it - I don't get why things are they way they are, and I have a LOT of questions. But I believe that the questions are good. I imagine they will play a vital role in my moving past this stage.

I can't wait for the day when I can say, "Ok, this is now starting to make more sense."

(image by theRIAA @ www.sxc.hu)

paste

Zach Braff graces the cover of Paste Magazine's October issue. He talks about his latest movie "Last Kiss" and his future plans doing all the crazy things he does. I love the tag on the cover of the magazines that says, "Zach of all trades: Zach Braff is the quadruple threat. He writes. He directs. He's the 'Floating Head Doctor.' And he helps the Shins change your life."

And speaking of music, the mag comes with a sampler CD with some pretty stellar artists. Artists such as: The Decemberists, Amos Lee, Sparklehorse, Ben Kweller, Ani Defranco, and other artists I was unfamiliar with but have come to enjoy.

So check out the October issue of Paste Magazine, and get yourself some good tunes.
It's worth the $7.95 you pay for it.

(Picture taken from www.pastemagazine.com)

writing

As you may have noticed, my blog has been lacking decent writing as of late. I have only been writing about work, with a few music/movie suggestions thrown it. While that is all well and good, and I'm excited about my job and the new things I've been listening to and watching, these are not the things I always want to write about, or even how I want my writing to look. However, as I've mentioned briefly before, I'm having a really hard time focusing on writing. I'm having a hard time getting to the things I really want to write about, and I'm also not dedicating the kind of time to writing as a writer should. I should be writing every day. I'm lucky if I write once a week.

I've come to a big realization - I've not been writing for the pleasure of writing, I've not be writing in order to strengthen my skills, I've not been writing because I have something really great I want to share...

I've only been writing because I want to be able to say "I'm a writer." I write because I feel like I SHOULD be writing. I write to impress. I want to wow people with my words. Here's the problem... If I write to fit some sort of mold, or because I feel like it's something I HAVE to do, I'll come to resent it. I won't (and don't) always impress. I won't always wow. There won't always be people who want to read my work.

What needs to drive me is my love for writing, which is something I think that I've lost sight of. I've recently had a couple discussions with people I admire greatly for their creativity, ability to write, and their wisdom when it comes to writing. What I've learned is that I've become an impatient writer. I expect to write well the minute I sit down to write. But as with most things in life, it takes time and discipline. It takes time to get through the junk, it takes fragments of thoughts, lists, random sentences, and unfinished ideas before you get to the good stuff. It takes lots of writing then scratching, editing, re-writing, researching, dreaming, imagination...

Maybe that's the heart of my problem... I've lost my ability to search my imagination, my ability to dream. I've lost my drive to find new things, go on new adventures, and seek out the unknown. I can't seem to create those places, those people, or those ideas in my mind anymore. Instead it's been replaced with laziness, busyness, work, and the everday commonalities that distract from the brilliance that lays beneath it all.

So my blog may be a work in progress. It may look pretty ugly over the next few months as I spend time doing more private writing, and less public writing. It might be fairly fragmented, filled with unfinished thoughts and ideas. It may not even look any different at first... But hopefully, it will begin to change over time into something I can say I took great joy in creating...

far away

It's been a while since I've created a playlist to share with you all. I had a really hard time creating a playlist this evening for whatever reason. Maybe it's all the new music I've come across and had recommended to me. Maybe it's my strong affection towards music I've owned for quite some time now. But in any case, here is the new playlist called "Far Away" that I've created. It was inspired. That's all you need to know about it.

Far Away

"Tech Romance" - Her Space Holiday
"Chocolate" - Snow Patrol
"Coney Island" - Death Cab For Cutie
"Hum" - Electric President
"One and Only" - Teitur
"The Fear You Won't Fall" - Joshua Radin
"Sundress (Acoustic)" - Ben Kweller
"Remember to Breath" - Dashboard Confessional
"A Lack of Color" - Death Cab For Cutie
"Look After You" - The Fray
"Sewn (Radio Edit)" - The Feeling
"Green Grass of Tunnel" - Mum
"An Accidental Memory In The Case of Death" - Eluvrium

I can't get enough of the last song. It's just plain piano music, but it's absolutely beautiful, and I love it. So this is it... What's currently tickling my ears.

Love it.

Hate it.

Ignore it.

I love it.

All that matters.

I {heart} today

Today was a great day.

There is no amazing story, no really great moment... just an all around good day.

First of all, I woke up late. Now, most people would consider this a bad start to the day. However, I called my boss to tell him I'd be late, and he couldn't have been any cooler about it. I walked out the front door when the warm air immediately encompassed me. The sun was shining, and the weatherman told me it was going to be 80 degrees. 80 degrees on October 2. Brilliant.

While the kids were a bit squirrely at work today, I had a great day. I was able to accomplish a fair amount of work.

Enter post-work funness.

My good friend Sarah and I decided to meet up for dinner. I drove over to the east side of Milwaukee, and we walked to the new Whole Foods that was just built. For those of you who are not familiar with Whole Foods, it's a whole lot of organic goodness. However, despite the fact that they have amazing amounts of food bars, we decided to head to Beans & Barley instead, one of my favorite restaurants in Milwaukee. We sat outside on the patio, and enjoyed the thunderstorm as it began to roll in. We then headed to my favorite coffee shop (Alterra) and walked home just as the lightning started to strike.

On our walk home, we stood at the top of a hill overlooking Lake Michigan. The sky was dark, the wind was blowing, and you could hear the sound of the waves lapping and leaves dancing across the ground. It was beautiful.

As I drove home, the thunderstorm began to pick up... I rolled my window down, allowing the wind to fill my little car. I listened to "Lightning" - a song that is on Counting Crow's demo CD, and "Transatlanticism" by Death Cab for Cutie - my favorite song by them and a song I can listen to over and over.

That's when the rain let loose... When I got out of my car, I couldn't help but stand and let the rain have it's way with me. It was a great moment... I need to do that more often.

I am now at home, enjoying some missed television. Has anybody been watching Studio 60?
Good stuff...

I {heart} today.
It's been a while since I've enjoyed a day as much as I did today.