beauty

I find it interesting. It seems so strange to me that someone in my position – with pretty much everything in the world available at my fingertips – still has the ability to feel as though I have nothing… what a ridiculous thought and feeling.

I had an interview at the Milwaukee Rescue Mission on Thursday. As I drove down there, I realized just how easily I forget how a majority of the world lives, and what a majority of the world has to deal with on a daily basis. I grew up in the suburbs. I grew up going to church. I went to a private school. I was surrounded by friends and family who loved me. I never once had to think about where I was going to sleep, where my next meal was going to come from, or if my surroundings were even safe enough to survive in. And yet, so often that I forget these are things that plague people’s daily thoughts. While driving to my interview, I drove past people who I’m sure have some if not all of these concerns on their hearts and minds. I passed people whose clothes were not clean, who looked like it had been a while since they’d last eaten, who looked lost… And not more than 12 hours later, I had already forgotten about them. My own problems seemed more important than any of the things they may have been facing. I forgot everything I had been given, everything I take for granted…

The other day, I found the picture you see above. I searched “reaching” on Google Images, and this was one of the first things I found. Why was I searching the word “reaching?” Because that’s what I felt like. I felt like I was reaching – reaching for the things I longed for, the things I felt I deserved… I felt as though I had been dealt a raw deal, seeing no beauty in anything, and was reaching for something different. I do these kind of searches often. It’s fascinating the results I come across. It helps me to reshape my thinking. I remember once night a few months ago, feeling really really sad. So, I googled the words “sad woman.” The images I came across were amazing. Some of them made me even more sad, but also gave me a new realization – that I am so often blind to the beauty in life.

A while back, I wrote a post about a documentary I had watched about the red light district in Calcutta. I had forgotten all about that movie until just recently. So easily I forget. But it made me realize that not only am I spoiled – thinking that my life situation is as about as ugly as it can get, when in reality it pales in comparison – but I also realized that these people who have it much worse than I do are still able to see beauty in life. They are able to take joy in the smallest of riches, and they are able to see life for its possibilities, not its disappointments. I am humbled by their ability… an ability I myself am not able to claim, but am challenged to work on acquiring.

I am definitely nowhere near having it all figured out... I continue to forget this pursuit on a daily basis. I have spent the past few days wallowing in a big pile of self-pity. But every time I do an image search, every time I take a drive to a neighborhood I’ve never been to, every time I think about the rest of the world and how they view life, what seems to be wearing on my heart and mind seems small and insignificant, and I’m reminded to look for the beauty that exists.

When I write out thoughts like this, I typically try to be methodical about it. I think about what words I want to use, what words make me sound more intelligent or witty, and I revise it in hopes to make it sound as good as possible. However, that’s not what I wanted to do this time around. I felt like I wanted to share some honest writing with you – what my heart was saying right as it was saying it.

I realize this will come across fairly unpolished, and maybe a bit unfinished… It’s not often that I come to conclusions though, and maybe that’s why I like to write… I love unfinished thoughts. It means that I’m still learning. I hope that I never stop learning.

In a few hours, I’ll probably be back to forgetting about this entry, about the people I’ve seen over the past few days, and the images I’ve come across. But I wanted to write it anyway. Hopefully it’ll serve as a reminder to NOT forget. I went back to an old blog entry today, and was really challenged by some of the things I had written not that long ago. I hope this entry will do the same. On days when I feel like my life situation is at its ugliest, I want to look to those who are able to see the beauty in their surroundings.

May I too see the beauty that surrounds me.

(Image found at: www.qfund4aids.org)

change

Have you ever experienced a moment in your life where you knew everything was about to change? A moment where it seems as though nothing is solid, and everything could shift at the drop of a hat?

That's the position I am in right now. I am currently unemployed. I don't have a home church. I am living at home, but hoping to move out in the near future. I don't have a significant other. I am in the processes of figuring out my next "career move." I am less than a year away from paying off my car, giving me one of two options: buy a new car that's in better shape, or try out public transportation. Lots of random things that are currently up in the air. None of these things are stable or figured out. I'm "in process" with each of these, and one if not all could change at any moment - something that is both exciting and terrifying.

I read an interesting quote tonight though that got me thinking. I'm not sure if I have it exactly right - I was only able to view it for a moment. But it read something similar to the following: "If you aren't scared, your dreams aren't big enough." What a great statement! The reason why I love it is that it allows for two things I'm really good at - dreaming big and being scared! I think it's encouraging because it is challenging to think big, dream the impossible... and yet, it is also saying that fear is a natural part of dreaming big - that if you're NOT scared, you must not be dreaming big enough.

So, I believe I'm going to incorporate this philosophy in with the rest of the stuff I've been learning over the past few days (which might I say, is a lot). As I head into the next few weeks, I choose to embrace big dreams and the fear that comes with them.

Bring it on, future. Bring it on.

(image found at http://www.sybilanntellsall.com/images/Free_Fall.JPG)

merge

What an amazing and exhausting week. As most of you know, I have been working over the past few months for an organization called Sonlife Ministries. For the past two months, I have lived on their campus in Elburn, Illinois during the week, and living at home on the weekends. Basically, it has felt like I have been living out of a suitcase for two months - which is both exciting and draining at the same time. However, this past week was what all the effort was for. I just spent the past week with 450 high school students and youth workers, and it was great!

The week was called Merge - and it was a conference where students and leaders were encouraged to merge with the redemptive story of God. Now, I realize that's a mouthful. But bascially, it was all about re-learning the story of God (from the creation of the world to the church in the book of Acts) and learning to connect those stories with our own lives today. Students were challenged to see how their story connects with the stories of both the Old and New Testament, and how God is still at work in their lives today, allowing them to be a part of God's story as well. It was a new way of approaching Biblical teaching and learning, and the students seemed REALLY responsive to it. It was an awesome week of challenges, growth, and exploration. I don't think I've ever worked as hard has I did this past week, and I'm incredibly exhausted, but it was well worth it.

As I look to the future - currently unemployed and not sure what's next, I can't help but be encouraged by the things I learned this past week. I learned that I am an important part of God's story. As one student pointed out through the story of Noah, God can use one person's faith to change the world. Because of Noah's great faith in God, God spared humanity and re-populated the earth because of him. Because of one man's faith, we are all here today. What a brilliant and encouraging thought. So while I'm a little scared to step into the next few weeks, I am encouraged by one student's faith in an idea that God can use any individual to change (or in the case of Noah, recreate) the world.

I feel totally honored to have been a part of Merge, and to have taken part in the things that happened there. I was so encouarged by the students who were attending and the staff I worked alongside. I'm so unbelievably happy to be home, but I wouldn't have wanted to miss this past week for anything!

weeks

I can't believe it's been roughly two weeks since I last posted a blog entry. All apologizes for my delinquent behavior!

Just so you all know, I AM alive and kicking... I've just been really caught up in the high school event I'm currently a part of. Right now, it's near 11pm, and I'm still plugging away at things we need done before the fun begins tomorrow. So know that I miss writing, and I miss posting - it's just not top priority right now.

Hopefully once this event is over and my life returns back to some form of normalcy (what is that anyway?) I will be back to posting on a regular basis.

For now, here are the updates: I have one interview coming up for a job that seems pretty rad and my resume is floating about at a graphic design firm doing some administrative/support work. So, a couple jobs possibilities to look into when I get home.

Hope you are all doing well...

Rock on, friends.

tangible

Have you ever noticed the profound things you come across when sitting in absolute silence? I'm sitting next my window, with my computer serving as the only illumination, listening to the wind dancing about the trees in my back yard. There is something so great about listening to the sound of wind in trees... Even though you can't see the wind, you can see it's effects... Visibly, you can see tree branches waltzing with great rhythm, creating a magnificent rustling noise that is so easily identifiable. The wind is a mysterious thing... No place of origin, and no destination... and yet, everywhere present.

I've been struggling lately with the presence of God. He and I had an intense discussion yesterday about my need for tangible objects - I need to see, touch, hear, and feel things. God wired me up to be incredibly dependent upon my senses, and I use them a great deal in my process of understanding. So, our intense discussion started out something like this, "God, I know you exist - I have many good reasons to believe this. But why can't I seem to love you - the way I've heard so many talk about you. They talk with great passion, with great adoration. I've read about all the things you have done. But I have not see them, touched them, heard them, or felt them. I cannot reach out my hand for you to hold. I cannot throw my arms around you when I'm overjoyed, or crawl into your lap and cry when I am sad. People tell me that is what prayer is for... But to me, that seems like telling a man who needs food for nourishment to think about eating. I know that prayer and the study of your Word is how I'm supposed to connect with you, but God, what am I supposed to do when what I need is physicality and tangibility... How do I love you when I can't even see You?"

To some, this argument, this intense questioning of God may seem somewhat elementary. I realize these are questions that kids ask. However, if I am going to approach God in an honest manner, than I need to do just that - be honest. And my struggle with not being able to see, touch, hear, or feel God is real and genuine. So my question is, what do I do?

As I sat listening to the wind tonight, I couldn't help but wonder if that was my answer. Does it totally fill the void of not being able to have my hand held, be embraced, or have a shoulder to cry on when it comes to God? Not entirely... But it is the "tangibility" (is that a word? if not, it should be...) I have been looking for. God is similar to the wind. I cannot see the wind - it does not have an origin or a destination - and yet, I can see that it is moving. I can see and hear it's effects. While I cannot throw my arms around God, I can see his effects, his movements... If I only look.

Listening to the trees tonight, I realized that I don't often pay attention to that sound. So often, I'm engulfed by the craziness that is life, so entranced by the fast paced, "gotta keep moving" culture around me, that I don't take time to listen to things like the wind blowing through the trees. And that's when it hit me... I don't listen or look for God either. Everything in my life is commercialized - it's fast, it's flashy, and it's convenient. But how often in the Bible was God fast, flashy, and convenient? Almost never... How often was God found in the quiet? In the forgotten places? In the stillness? Almost always.

So I ought to reconsider asking quesitons like, "God, where are you?" I often think about Job when I ask questions. Poor guy. Have you ever read Job? If not, I highly suggest picking it up. Great book. But after all the most horrific things happen to him, he asks God the big "W" question - Why. And man, does God have an answer for him. Everytime I read those verses, I'm petrified of asking God questions... However, I soon forget the story of Job, and continue to ask questions such as "Ok God, where are you? SHOW UP!" When really he's whispering, "I've been here all along... you're the one who forgot to show up."

The sound of the trees remind me that I need to look, listen and reach for God... he's already extended the "tangibles." I just need to be diligent enough to go looking for them.

May the sound of the trees continue to remind me.