push me

As I sat listening to my friend Tim preach a sermon, the first time I’d ever actually heard him preach, I was taken back by his acute observations and eloquent retelling of an experience he had just recently. Tim and his wife Vicky are on a journey to do a church plant, and have teamed up with Metrobrook to envision what God might have for them and the city of Milwaukee. Metrobrook Church, where Tim is now on staff, is currently doing a series called “God Is Closer Than You Think: Seeing God in the Ordinary.” This idea was coined from John Ortberg’s book, “God Is Closer Than You Think” and the pastors of Metrobrook have tapped into great teachers such as Rob Bell and Rabbi Lawrence Kushner. However, it was Tim’s detailing of his experience that spoke to my heart. Often times, when Tim needs to do some thinking or dreaming, he heads out to the place where he believes God is calling him to plant a church – a part of town referred to as Bayview. He will venture out to a coffee shop, or some other local place in order to be a part of the area he is being called to. On one particular day, he was drawn to a park where he sat and observed families enjoying their time at a playground. He watched as these children were playing, hearts seemingly filled with joy.

I listened to him talk about how anything is possible at the playground. To quote part of his story, “The playground is a place of wonder. Where slides turn into mountains, and sand is set on fire and turns into lava. A place you take your shovel in the summer and your sled in the winter. You go there to catch fireflies at dusk and you only leave when your eyes are shutting on their own. Mostly you go to the playground to play. To throw yourself into anything beyond what you could ever ask for or even imagine.”

The last two sentences are what struck me. “Mostly you go to the playground to play. To throw yourself into anything beyond what you could ever ask for or even imagine.” After Tim told us about his story, he had us turn to the people around us, and share our own observations. I couldn’t help but share a story about my little friend Mimi.

As has been the story of my life over the past year, I cannot tell you how much I have learned from my little friends at the Mission. And Mimi is no exception. Every Friday, we’d take all the City Camp kids on a field trip somewhere. One week it was rollerskating, another week it was the zoo. But common to most field trips was time at a park. Whether it be eating lunch there, or taking a break from animal gazing, most of our field trips included some sort of play time on a playground.

On one particular field trip, I can remember a few of the kindergartners on the swings, trying to get their little bodies swinging as high as they could. It wasn’t long before I heard, “Miss Tory, Miss Tory – push me!” There were a few voices, but as I looked over, there was Mimi, desperately trying to get moving on her swing. I wandered over to her, and began to push her. I believe I’m probably going to be a somewhat over-protective mother because I found myself not wanting to push her very high. However, she kept shouting with glee: “Push me, Miss Tory! Push me!” As soon as she was high enough, and her little legs seemed to keep her moving, I started to walk away. I wasn’t more than a few steps away when I hear, “Miss Tory, push me!” I said, “Mimi, you’ve got it now… You can do it by yourself.” But she insisted that I continue to push her.

The thought struck me: She doesn’t want me to push her just so she can keep moving. She wants me to be engaged in what she is doing – she wants me to partake in her joy of swinging. Really, I could have just stood behind her, cheering her on and she would have been perfectly satisfied. In fact, for a while, that was all I did. The point wasn’t my actual pushing, but rather my presence. She wanted me there while she enjoyed her time on the swing.

It made me wonder how often I ask God to engage with me in this way. How often do I ask God to “push” me, but then let him walk away? How often do I ask him to join me in my joyful moments, sharing with me in the beauty I’m experiencing? How often do I say “Push me!” not just to get God to do something for me, but only to know that he’s there with me, enjoying the moment?

My little friend Mimi taught me how to swing. As I was thinking about this idea tonight, I went to a park I where I spent a lot of time growing up. It was late, and the park was fairly dark. But as I moved back and forth on the swing, I thought of Mimi shouting “Push me, Miss Tory! Push me!” As I sat there, moving my feet in and out, reaching new heights, I whispered in the dark, “Push me!”

May I be a person who in moments of beauty and joy learns to engage with the Creator of everything, who cries “Push me!” even when I’m already in motion.

(For Tim's entire story, go here. It's titled "Playground.")

clarifications

I believe I may need to make a few clarifications regarding my last blog post.

First, I didn't even realize that you guys still read my blog regularly. I just posted a new blog entry today, and I've already received a few concerned phone calls and emails. I suppose I ought to give you guys - especially those who have not been "in the know" the past few months - what is going on and how I'm doing.

First, let me explain the work situation. I loved where I worked. I had two of the most amazing bosses, and I made some really great friends there... people I've gotten really close with. However, back in March, things began to change in my department. The director of our department left (it's a sticky story) and then in May, one of my co-workers Brian left, only to be followed by our associate director. Within a 3 month time span, our department which had 7 people was down to 4, and we were left without a director. During the summer, we have a huge summer program for kids in K5-5th grade, and there were two of us to run it (the other two focused on the teen program). The "higher ups" hired another director for us, but he was a man who came just out of retirement, had never worked in youth ministry, and really did not have a good grasp for the happenings of our department. Therefore, my co-worker Brittany and I felt as though we were running the program alone. We were to oversee 120 kids, 19 college and high school staff - neither one of us being what I would consider "qualified" to do so. But we made do, and ended up having a great summer with the kids and staff.

However, the "higher ups" and I did not see eye to eye on a LOT of things, and I spent the better portion of the summer fighting for what I believed to be good for our ministry. Because of these disagreements, they saw me as being disrespectful to authority and it caused a lot of problems between them and me. There is a LOT more behind that story than what I am giving you, but detailing the story is unnecessary. Basically, it got to a point where in order to keep my spiritual, mental, and emtional health in tact, I had to make a decision - I had to leave. It was an incredibly hard decision - one I'm still hoping was the right one - but I have a strange peace about it, and so I believe that it was.

And I want you all to know that while I have a deep sadness about where I am right now, as well as a bit confused, I am doing ok. I'm not in some sort of deep depression nor am I on some sort of spiral path downward... I'm just in a place where I'm really trying to figure things out, and not seeing any indication as to where I should go.

I appreciate your concern... thanks for the emails/phone calls. It feels good to know I'm loved.
I'll keep you all posted as things happen, and as I begin to figure things out.
Love you all.

familiar

This place seems oh-so-familiar. Maybe it's because I was here almost exactly a year ago. Maybe it's because I've been in this place more than once. But it is definitely a familiar place, and yet, I still have no idea how to navigate through it.

It's been quite a while since I've written a blog that reflected a letter moreso than an essay. When I first started blogging, I felt as thought my writing was more personal - as if I was writing letters to the world. And in these letters, I would express my dreams, my frustrations, my excitements, my disappointments, and everything in between. However, when I started writing for Relevant's website, suddenly my blog entries shifted too. I tried to make them sound more philosophical and deep, almost as if I was trying to make them more read-worthy.

But today, in this moment, I feel as though I want to embrace the type of writing I was once more familiar and comfortable with. I want to share with you this "familiar" place in hopes that maybe someone out there will want to journey with me, and maybe even help navigate this crazy life of mine.

This past year, I had the honor of working with the best kids on the planet. Those kids brought me more joy than I would have ever imagined. And Thursday, I had to say goodbye to all of them. As I stood before them with my co-worker Brittany and it was annouced that we were leaving, I was taken with emotion as I heard a loud "NO!" ring throughout the room. At the end of our program on Thursday, I was approached by all my little friends... some of them just wanting hugs goodbye, while others wanted consolation. This one little girl stood before me just sobbing. I had only met the girl 3 weeks prior, and had no idea where her strong attachment came from. But I cried along with her. And as I looked around the room at all the little friends I had made, tears came to my eyes as I knew I may never see some of them again.

Tears have also filled my eyes recently as I have tried to figure out what the next destination is in my journey. I find myself now without a job, without a place of my own, and without a church - three things that are fairly imporant to one's identity. I mean, as much as we don't want to be defined by what we do but rather who we are, there is still a lot of weight put on what it is we do for a living. And if I were asked that right now, I'd have to answer with a big fat "nothing." I have decided that I want to eventually go back to school and become certified to teach, and I have started to take action in moving towards that, but no doors have opened yet. Right now, I'm just trying to locate an open door in a huge hallway of closed ones.

But my biggest desire is to get plugged into a local church. Part of that will depend on what ends up being "local" for me. Over the past couple of years, it has become my desire to attend a church that is in my "neighborhood." When I attended Ridgewood, I lived about 20-25 minutes away, and most of the people who attended there lived further away in the opposite direction. This made "community" outside of church somewhat difficult. I think it'd be amazing to be next door neighbors with some of the people I attended church with. So part of my hesitancy to "plug in" comes from not knowing where I will be located because of a job or living situation.

As many of you know, pluggin into a church has been a constant struggle for me. I wish I could give you the reasons and explanations as to why this is so hard, and there are times where I wish that everyone would have an extended amount of patience with me. This is not like trying to find a new pair of shoes, or even like picking out a new car. Finding a church to commit to and become a part of is a HUGE thing for me, and I want to make sure that my decision is God-driven, not based off emotion. But sometimes, it is SO hard to seperate that. I can't even begin to tell you about the anxiety I've felt regarding church, or how hard it's been to feel uncomfortable every time I step into one... But know that it is a priority to me, just something I haven't quite been able to figure out yet.

As I said, this place is so familiar... I've been here numerous times before. You'd think it would get easier every time.

But it doesn't.

I still don't know how to navigate through it all. I'm still lost.
And I have no idea where the directions are.