conclusions

A few weeks ago, I made a decision that I wanted to blog at least once a week. I had a shakey start to that goal, and even now am not keeping to it very well.

Part of me wonders why it's so hard for me to write on a regular basis. I was thinking about when I used to write a story a week for Relevant, and I used to blog on a daily basis. I wondered what is different now...why I can't seem to do it anymore.

I came to a few consclusions. One: I don't spend enough time observing. When I was a student, I had quite a bit of time that I spent in the Union or the library where I would just sit and observe people and hear bits of conversations. I learned a lot about people, and ultimately, about myself just by observing the things that went on around me. Another thing about being a student was that I was always meeting new people, learning new things, and being challenged in new ways. I don't feel as though I have that influence as much anymore.

Another conclusion I came to: I don't have a lot of really deep conversations with people anymore. When I was involved at my old church, I had a few friends who were really deep thinkers and always posed interesting questions. I always had something I was thinking about. That created for some interesting thoughts and blog entries.

Third conclusion: My old places of employment didn't leave much room for processing. Where I currently work, I am able to verbally process a lot more and talk through a lot more issues/thoughts that are plaguing my brain, which elimnates my need to write about them on here. When I wasn't able to process stuff as much, I used my blog as an outlet for processing.

And lastly... I have been too emotional lately. Normally, that would provide some material to write about, but recently, I feel as though I have had too much to process. I sit down to write, and I have NO idea where to start. Everything seems so jumbled and confusing. So, instead, I just avoid writing about it, which has proven to not be entirely healthy.

So now what? Well, I think I need to take more time for observation, I need to find some people to surround myself with who are asking tough and intelligent questions, I need to stop processing things so much with the people I work with, and I need to learn to work through some of my emotions a bit more. Hopefully, as I begin to do some of these more and more, my desire to write will get stronger and I'll become more dedicated to it.

Here's hoping...

a letter

Dear Friend,

I am writing to you because I have not been myself lately. My words, my actions, my thoughts, my speech... all of these things have not reflected the person I want to be. I have reflected a spirit of hate, of hostility, of frustration, of hurt, and of vengeance. These are not things I wish to possess. But alas, it is the place I find myself in. I have allowed my tongue to control me, I have allowed my emotions to get the best of me... And you, my dear friend, have taken the hit. You have been the one that has been deeply wounded by my actions. You are the one who hears the angry roars and the evil whispers that escape from my mouth. You have been the one to give, and give, and give... when all I do is take, and take, and take - never giving back. You have put forth 110% effort to build our relationship, to encourage me, and strengthen me. You have given me a vision and passion... which I have bypassed for temporary gratification found through petty and selfish behavior. You are the one I have been inconsistent with, despite your undeniable loyalty. You are the one who I talk big about, but show little to nothing in action. You are the one who walks by my side day in and day out, whether I recognize it or not. And your continued patience... it astounds me, really. I would have given up on me years ago... But you didn't. You stuck it out. You waited and are waiting to see what I can become. You're waiting to see what decisions I make. You're waiting to see if maybe - just maybe - someday I'll turn the tables and respect you in the way you deserve. You're waiting for me to recognize just who exactly it is you created me to be, and what you created me for. You were there in the beginning, and you'll be there in the end... No one else can say that but you.

Dear friend, I write this to you tonight to let you know that I want the tables to turn. I want to put forth the effort. I want to change. I want to grow. I want to become more... well, more like you. But I need your patience, your grace, your strength, and every ounce of wisdom you can pour into me. I need you to continue being who you are, and I need you to change me. Thank you for who you are... Your friendship is worth more than my small words can ever give measure to. I love you, dear friend. Thanks... for everything.

Sincerely,

Tory Jane

fear

Clowns. Heights. Thunderstorms. Spiders. Scary Movies. Failure. Being alone. Dying. We all have our fears. For some, it strikes deep within us, paralyzing us, keeping us from being able to move and function in a normal, healthy way. Some people have what seem like irrational fears. I have one of those - I am terrified of clowns. Pretty much anything that has a scary painted face freaks me out. But while some fears seem irrational, there are other fears that are a bit more serious and debilitating. Fears such as failure, being alone, and dying… all of which seem to plague my soul.

Over the past few months, I’ve really come to grips with these fears. I’ve thought a lot about them. It’s crazy to me how many fears I have, and I often wonder if it’s an abnormal amount. And I also wonder what has caused these fears. There have been many times I’ve looked back at my childhood, and wondered if there were things that happened that have caused me to feel the way I do now as an adult. In any case, here’s my random trail of thoughts on some of my fears…

The fear of never accomplishing anything worth noting. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to accomplish something big. When I was little, I was constantly making TV shows and movies, newspapers, fashion magazines… all of these big “entertainment industry” type dreams rolled up into little girl art projects. As I got older, my dreams shifted a bit. I wanted to become a writer – write a famous novel or screenplay. To this day, I have a dream to write AND illustrate a children’s book. It seems as though I want to do a lot of “big things.” And yet, there is this fear inside of me, that I will reach the end of my life, look back, and see nothing but small things. But I wonder if my fear isn’t really a fear at all… if it’s really an inability to see value in the small things. I wonder if my fear is actually ignorance… Maybe I’m just can’t the small things as significant, when those are the things that should matter most.

Fear number two: The fear of being alone. I’m not really your typical girl when it comes to the subject of weddings. I know that most girls have these amazing dreams about what they want their wedding to be like. They know how many people they will have stand up in their wedding, they know what color dresses they want, they know what kind of flowers they want to have, what song they want to dance to, and all that jazz… I can remember my friends when I was little telling me their “grand plans” for their wedding. And I would play along, giving them my thoughts and ideas. But truth be told, it never really mattered to me. I’ve never really cared about what the actual wedding would be like – what colors I’d pick, where it would be, what kind of cake we’d have, and whether or not we’d have a dance. There are two reasons why I think this is the case. First, I think that for the most part, when we get older, we recognize that marriage is more than just a wedding… it is about a commitment and a lifetime of work. It is about a love that goes far beyond a one-day celebration. I’m also a pretty simple girl, so elaborate and expensive weddings don’t really gel with my soul. But I have a second reason why I think I’ve always sort of felt the way I have. Most little girls never question whether or not they’ll actually get married – they just seem to know that they will. This has never been the case for me. I’ve always wondered if it’ll happen for me. I don’t know why – I’ve just never been convinced. Maybe it’s because, ever since I was little, I’ve heard the phrase “God sometimes calls people to be single.” I remember the first time I hear that, I ran straight to God and pleaded with him, “PLEASE DON’T LET THAT BE ME!” But here’s the interesting thing… I’ve come to realize that getting married doesn’t make the “alone” feeling going away. Getting married doesn’t always quench that fear… and often times, it can heighten it. I’ve realized that as much as I want to get married, I need to seek community amongst people – plural. I cannot place all of the weight on one person. I need to surround myself with people who encourage me, challenge me, and spur me on to be a better person. People who will listen to me, and who will tell me when I’m being lame. Do I still want to get married? Heck yes! Do I still have a fear that I won’t? Unfortunately, yes. Do I still have a fear that I won’t find community? Yes. Do I still think it’s important to pursue community? Most definitely. I think both are possible, especially the latter. Our world is composed of many hurting people seeking community… I just need to meet up with them, and hopefully both of our fears of “being alone” will be abolished.

Third fear (thanks for hanging with me this far): The fear of dying… I’ve learned that my fear of dying again comes back to my fear of failing – failing to live a life that is worthy of living… a fear that maybe I’m not living my life to fullest, soaking in every ounce of joy that surrounds me. This past week, a good friend of mine was spared from an untimely death. When he could have died, God spared his life, and he continues to move, breathe, and live. This man is one of the greatest men I know, and he is a life-liver. He soaks everything he can out of each day, and even though I only see him on occasion, he is still one of my favorite people in the world. He inspires me to look for reasons to rejoice, and to live my life to the fullest…

As I think about each of my fears, I’ve come to realize that maybe they’re not really fears. Maybe they are just skewed perceptions. I mean, being afraid of accomplishing big things is really just blurred vision – I’m unable to recognize the value in small things. The fear of being alone may just be hope in the wrong thing – hope that a marriage will abolish my “aloneness” instead of recognizing the multitude of people around me who, if asked, would be willing to pour into my life. And my fear of dying might just be the realization that I don’t always live each day as if it is my last.

I wonder how many “fears” I’d actually have if I simply learned to change my perspective, and change my way of living. If I chose to rejoice in the small things, seek out the community around me, and as Thoreau said “live deep and suck out all the marrow of life!” I wonder if I might be able to squelch these so-called “fears” of mine.

God, help me to be creative, to shift my thinking and my perspectives. Help me to realize that all things start small. Help me to seek out and pour into those around me. And help me to live deeply until my dying breath.



(Photo taken by oh no, nilla at Flickr.com)