resolution solution

Last summer, I received a freelance writing internship from Relevant Magazine. Relevant is located in Florida, but offered long-distance internships for college students. I was in desperate need of 3 credits that were at a 300 level or above, and the Relevant Magazine internship seemed to come a perfect time.

I remember the first assignment I received from them: I was to write a review for their website on either a book, movie, or album of my choosing. Sweet deal! I love all three, and was excited for my first assignment. Music is probably my strongest love out of the three , and so of course, I decided to go with that option. I found myself debating for a few days about what album I wanted to review. I pondered reviewing an artist I was extremely familiar with so that I might create a well-informed, passionate review. But the fear in me suggested reviewing a new artist so that in case there was some music junkie out there who was smarter than me, they wouldn’t have much more knowledge on them than I would. Well, to play it safe, I decided to go with the second option and review a new artist. At the time, a plethora of new artists were emerging, and with the popularity of The Killers, I decided to review the band “The Bravery” – a rival band of The Killers. My first review seemed to go fairly well, and I received some decent feedback. There were even a few readers who posted the review on their blogs. My first assignment was fairly successful, and I was ready for the next one.

My second assignment, and pretty much every assignment from that point on, was to write an editorial for their website. I had a week to write the article, with no idea what it would be about. I happened to catch a conversation at school where a girl was lamenting her lack of “coolness” and how she would sell one of her ovaries to have an iPod. I found the statement intriguing and decided to write an article about sacrifice. The article was called “Ovaries for An iPod” and to this day, probably remains the best article I’ve written for Relevant (or in general, for that matter). My second story, too, turned out fairly well, and ended up in their e-newsletter. However, after that second editorial, it all started to go downhill.

My next few stories tanked with the readers. I got one bad review after the next. People were calling into question my thinking, my response to situations, and even the way I felt about things. I remember feeling really rejected, and thought that maybe I really WASN’T a writer – that I had just had a couple strokes of good luck with the first two. However, I began to realize something about my writing, and even my way of thinking… I don’t come to any resolutions. I had a couple articles where I offered insight, but the majority of my writing asked more questions than it gave answers. I didn’t have a good handle on life, and it came out in my writing.

Switching gears to present day, I am currently unemployed, and have a lot of time on my hands. I’ve been keeping myself occupied with plenty of TV and computer playing. However, I realize how quickly this will become unhealthy, and decided that I ought to be more productive with my time. I've been playing with Photoshop more (which, I suppose is still my computer, but at least it felt productive, not just reading one blog after the next), trying to improve the little bit of graphic design skills that I possess. Yesterday, I even tried my hand at painting again. Painting and I have not gotten along together in the past, but I thought I’d give it a go. It proved to actually be a lot of fun. However, I realized that I have been avoiding any sort of writing. I have written a few blog posts, but they've been pretty pathetic. I thought about the children’s book I wanted to write, the articles for Relevant I wanted to write, but more so, I thought about how I just wanted to write… to write just for the sake of writing. I have been avoiding the big knot in my stomach. Something about writing brings about a great deal of frustration, and I haven't been in the mood to figure out why… until today.

Today I decided that I would be dedicated to writing. This is actually the first time I have sat down to write in a really long time, so you’re getting the brunt of it. All apologies. This is probably the longest blog post I’ve ever written, and as you all know, I have written some crazy long ones. However, today, I decided to face my frustrations and just write… even if what I write comes out as an ugly beast.

In the process, I realized what my problem is… It goes back to when I was writing for Relevant Magazine. I don’t have any resolutions. I have a lot of questions, but not a lot of answers. I have a lot of ideas that start out great – about life, about God, and about love, but I never really get to the “nuggets of wisdom.” I don’t have a way to wrap up, and I don’t have a nice bow to place on it when I’m done. I noticed that a lot of my blog entries end with “I am still learning.” Or “I don’t know where to go from here.” I think that may be the reason I stopped writing for Relevant. I didn’t have any answers. I felt like I was doing too much searching to offer any advice on anything. Good writers present a reason for their writing, or at least have some sort of “epiphany”. At least, that’s how I’ve felt for a long time… But as I read more, and as I learn more about my style, I realize that I like unfinished, I like unpolished, and I like questions more than I like answers. Questions lead to more questions, which in my opinion, lead to more learning. Answers seems so concrete… Questions leave room for growth.

So while I haven’t come to a “resolution” solution, I think for now my solution is this: Write. Write like my life depends on it. Write continually, even if it’s painful. Write even when it’s ugly. Write even if there are more questions then there are answers. Hopefully, I’ll learn and grow from my writing. Hopefully the pain will bring healing. And hopefully somewhere within the ugliness, beauty will emerge.