hello, my name is Tory

...and I'm afraid of meeting new people.

Most people wouldn't know this about me, but I'm extremely shy. I can hide it pretty well in that I am usually able to put on a smile, an outgoing nature, and carry on a fairly decent conversation... and also conceal the fact that inside, my stomach is in complete knots. I used to think that I was just shy around guys, but have learned that it's pretty much around anyone I don't know. I have no idea why I get so nervous, but I do. I try to think of intelligent things to say - nothing comes. I try to be witty - I come out sounding cheesy. But the worst is when I can't think of anything at all, and I stand there biting my lip, playing with one of my rings, or scratching my head (yes, it's an odd nervous tick that I have... it's quite funny to witness, I'm sure).

I had a conversation with a couple different people about my fear this evening... There are, of course, some pretty obvious answers as to why this problem may have formed. First of all, I would much rather communicate via writing. Ever since I was a little kid, it was more natural for me to write my thoughts down - whether it be journaling, writing letters to my parents, writing poetry, sending emails, having conversations over instant messanger, (maintaining a blog) - I have always preferred writing. This may cause a reason for my fear of face to face interaction with people I do not know very well. Other reasons may be my over analytical mind (darn it - I think too much!) or the fact that I don't like to have surface level conversations and therefore try to avoid them at all costs.

However, something struck me even harder - how much this "fear" is a hinderance. Sure, I'd love to meet the man of my dreams and get married someday. But this is not the hinderance that worries me the most - that I'll be too shy to say anything to a guy I'm interested in. What worries me the most is how I've allowed this fear to keep me from meeting my neighbors and the people in my community.

My parents started this thing last year where we have our neighbors over once a month for a soup night. The neighbors that come over are neighbors I've known since I was a little kid. Growing up, I played with their kids and so it's not so scary talking to them. There is even a family that lives next door to us that I do NOT know very well, but find it fairly easy to talk to. However, I think about all the other people in our neighborhood I do not know. And there is one house that comes to mind. It is a house that's on the opposite end of my street. There is a group of mentally challenged adults who live in that house, and they are some of the sweetest people in the world... I have seen them on walks a couple times, and have fallen in love with them from afar. I have thought to myself numerous times "I would love to go down to their house and spend time with them." I'm sure I would learn a great deal from them. But every time I think about it, I get the biggest knot in my stomach. I wonder what I will say, how will I act, what activities I will do with them, and wonder if they will like me? And because of that fear, I have yet to go down to that house and meet my neighbors.

I think about the people I meet as I walk down the streets of Chicago who ask me for money. I can remember a trip I took just recently where I took the train downtown, and then walked to the art museum. I probably came across 4 different people who had cups out, and were asking for money. I put some money in their cup, and continued on my way. It wasn't until I found myself walking alongside of a man who began telling me his story. He was missing an arm, and was out of work, and was wondering if I could help him in any way. I listened intently to his story, handed him enough money for a meal, put my hand on his shoulder, and said, "I hope this little bit helps..." and started to walk away. He said, "You're an angel, but I suppose you're going to leave me now, huh?" And I continued to walk away... As I did, tears filled my eyes. I knew all the man wanted was someone to talk to, someone to share his story with. How fearful and nervous I got when I realized I might actually have to have conversation with him. What would I say? I know nothing about being in his position... What kinds of questions would I ask him that wouldn't offend him? I had no idea what to say or do, so because of my fear, I walked away...

This is the thing that saddens me the most... That this fear - this fear of meeting new people, interacting with people I don't know, spending time with someone who is so totally different from me - is keeping me from being able to reach out to others, and in return, allowing them to reach out to me. It has kept me from volunteering my time, it has kept me from making new friends on a daily basis, it has kept me from seeing Jesus in other people, and being Jesus to them...

I just finished reading Shane Claiborne's book "The Irresistible Revolution." I've already mentioned it a ton, and I will not hesitate to recommend this book again - it's amazing. Please, pick up a copy. However, I think reading it has messed me up a bit. It has made me realize I have used this "fear" of mine as a crutch for too long, and it's time to start making some changes. It's time for me to move past this fear. The thing I need to realize is, it's ok to take baby steps. I don't need to take a huge leap, and meet everyone I come in contact with. If even I take one step each week, I must celebrate that victory - no matter how small. I have to tackle the small hills before I climb the mountain, you know? Nobody runs a 10k without running every day, slowing adding more and more distance to their route.

So with that being said, I'd like to introduce you to myself.

Hello, my name is Tory... and I'm going to conquer this fear.