non-existent

Ok, I have officially declared my drawing abilities to be non-existent. Well, maybe not entirely. I mean, after all, I can draw a pretty mean circle, and I do have a fun swirl design I doodle all over my notes in class. But every time I try to sit down and attempt to draw what I see in my head, it just will not come out!

As some of you know, I have recently had a great desire to write a children's book. I was thinking about asking a good friend of mine to collaborate with me - I would write the story, he would illustrate it. However, I sat in the children's section at Barnes and Noble tonight and read a few books where the illustrations DEFINITELY carried the story. Seriously, almost ANYTHING could have been written on the page... I was actually pretty surprised by what kinds of books have gotten published. So the more I began to think about it, I was like, "Shoot... I need to be able to illustrate the story myself."

Now let me back up a bit... A couple nights ago, I sat down and finally started to lay out an idea that had been rolling around in my head. I figured I'd write the story and do rough sketches in order to give my friend a good idea of what I was looking for as far as the illustrations were concerned. Let me just say, I had an absolute blast. I haven't taken time to just sit and draw in a really long time. I think I was at it for at least 2 hours. So fun, and so relaxing. But see, the thing is, the drawings didn't need to be good. They were simply rough sketches for ideas - not the final product. Therefore, no pressure, which lead to it being a really fun, and enjoyable time.

Ok, jump back to tonight. I sat down and tried to come up with different ideas for good cartoon figures for children's books. I thought, "How fun would it be to write a story about an ostrich." So, I attempted to draw an ostrich cartoon. Oh my. It was quite frightening. I first started with a realistic drawing of one, just to get a feel for the shape of the ostrich. The, I tried a cartoon version of one - absolutely frightening. It looked like some crazy geometric monster. I tried a few other sketches, and NOTHING was coming out the way I wanted it to. So frustrating.

I'm back to where I was about 9 months ago when I posted about art envy. I spent the past couple of days reading different graphic novels and different children's books that have amazing illustrations. I spent a good hour or so at the art supply store just looking at all the art supplies I would love to have in my possession. Even as I write this, I have the beautifully illustrated "The Day I Swapped My Dad For Two Goldfish" sitting next to me, hoping for an ounce of inspiration.

I know that I should be grateful for the gifts I have, and not be so frustrated that I can't do certain things... But I can't help it. I want to write a children's book. I want to illustrate it. I want to sell it to a publisher, make some money off of it, and open a children's bookstore. Guess I just "want" a lot, huh?

But I think my hand is defunct. It won't do what I want it to do.
Leaving me with nothing but a blank sketch pad to stare at.