...a topic that has recently surfaced in numerous conversations I've had recently. Maybe it's because it's Christmas. Maybe it's because the amount of single people my age seem to be slowly vaporating. Ok, maybe not vaporating, but quickly becoming un-single. That's for sure. Who knows... But it's definitely a hot topic.
I rarely write about this topic though... At least, I don't think I write about it that much. I don't usually like to share that much of the inner workings of my head and heart on this issue. But, because I've had so many conversations about it with people recently, I thought I'd attempt a blog about it.
First of all, let me say this... I have like, no experience with this topic. Seriously. I'm 25, and I've been on a total of roughly 4 dates, all with the same person. My dating experience is next to nothing. The only guy I dated was for a very short period of time, and it was a bad idea from the start. Don't get me wrong - he was a sweet guy. In fact, he's married now. But when we decided to date, it was purely logical (on my end) and not romantic. It made sense to date him. But he was too good of a friend, and I just didn't feel that way about him.
I guess the thing I'm wondering is why so many of my single friends - myself included - seem to have a geniune loss of hope that they'll find "someone." Granted, a good chunk of my "single" friends are younger than me, and have time to find someone... Heck, I'm still fairly young, and have time. But I have come across numerous people who seem to have no hope that they'll find someone. And no offense to those of you who do have someone - but hearing the oh-so-common phrase "It'll happen one day" or "God's got someone in store for you" isn't of much consolation when you geniunely do not believe it.
I don't want you to think I'm completely hopeless - I'm not. There's a small part of me that thinks it's still a possibility. I'm guessing I'll at least have another date or two at the very least. However, there's also a part of me that wonders if my independent/loner nature will serve some sort of purpose - that I will remain single for the rest of my life.
I don't know the answers to this one. I don't know if I'll ever find someone. I don't know if I'll get to journey through life with someone by my side. I don't know if I'll ever be looked at lovingly. I don't know if I'll get to hear the words "Will you marry me?" Heck, I don't even know if I'll ever get kissed (yup... pretty sad... 25 and never been kissed).
All I know is being single is not easy... I always hear my married friends say, "Being married is work." Well, so is being single. I always hear my married friends say, "You'll find someone." It's an easy thing for them to say - they FOUND someone. I always hear my friends say, "Be patient." And I want to say, "What do you think I've been doing for the past 25 years?" Granted, some days I'm more patient than others, but let's just say I've "waited" in multiple aspects.
Here's the thing though... I don't want just anyone. I don't want to settle. I want to find the person I've imagined since I was a little girl. I know that person will not be perfect. I know that person will have flaws, will disappoint me, and will cause me pain. But I also know that that person, should I meet him, will have the potential to inspire me, challenge me, and make me unbearably happy. So while I am SUPER frustrated with my lack of knowledge/experience, and slight lack of hope, I am definitely solid on the fact that if it does happen, it'll be amazing because I don't want just anyone, and I won't settle.
So what is the point of the post? Not much... Just wanted to ramble about a hot topic in the single world: l-o-v-e. And now comes the point in the post where YOU get to ramble about love...
So leave a comment!
My comments section is lonely!
6 comments:
I think there are two types of people in the world. Those who could be with just about anybody, and those who require a special someone and won't settle for less.
I have a friend who is in his late twenties and is very good-looking. Yet, he hadn't been with a woman for years, and admittedly, had never been in love. He could easily have walked into a bar and had his pick of women, but yet he was alone. He had all these specific things he wanted in a woman, and he just felt he shouldn't have to settle. We all thought he was nuts. His dream girl doesn't exist, he's going to die alone, he should just be more flexible and find a nice enough girl to be with.
But then he actually met a girl that is perfect for him, absolutely perfect. She wants all the same things he does (which are definitely unusual things), has all the qualities he was looking for. It was extremely bizarre. And they just eloped last week. Why wait when you've found your soul mate?
I dunno. I think that many people settle for something less than they deserve because they're afraid of being alone. But it's far worse to have settled for something mediocre than to wait for everything you want. So I guess what I'm saying is, yeah, you're alone right now, but is that a bad thing? I know how much that sucks, especially when you hang out with your "couple friends" and you're always the third wheel, and the waiter points out that it's "just you" when you're all splitting up the checks. And it's nice to be with someone, it's comforting. But it's not everything.
Maybe, just maybe, you won't have married the wrong man at 25, just to not be alone, and instead you'll eventually find the person who really is perfect for you. At least that's what I tell myself on Valentine's Day. :)
I've had a little more experience than you, I guess, but then, you were front-row for most of it, eh? I have no amazing words of wisdom for you, no formula that causes the longing to disappear. I have no Bible verse to quote to you that will suddenly reveal God's plan for your romantic life. Here's what I've got, though: I like being single.
Once in awhile, I come across a "disease wedding" where suddenly the desire to be married becomes contagious. There is something that is inspiring about these committments. Yet, I enjoy being single. I don't live the "bachelor's life" or anything weird like that. But I basically resolved myself to making the most of my freedom - free from that level of responsibility to someone else - and travelling, taking a job away from "home," stuff like that.
Are you going to find someone? I have no idea. I don't even think that God has someone specific in mind - I don't reckon He works like that but then, I'm not Him, so... You're awesome, so it wouldn't surprise me if you did find someone. My sister-in-law who is 26, married my brother, her second boyfriend. She was his first girlfriend.
Now I'm just rambling. You and I are slated for a wedding in 5 years anyway, aren't we? ;)
Hi Tory.
I feel it really comes down to a few basic questions that you need to ask and answer for yourself:
- Do you want to get married?
- Do you like yourself?
I'm not saying that I know the answer or am insinuating the answer to either of these questions for you, but these were big questions for me. I got married six months ago. When Sarah and I started dating, I didn't want to date anybody. It was almost the first time ever. I had sacrificed a lot of me in my last relationship, and found the idea of losing what I had just regained deplorable. I liked me. I was placing myself at risk. That's a really big deal when you really like yourself. I thought I did a lot of the time, but not enough to enjoy life with just me. And then!!! of all of the damnedest things, I find someone when I figure out how to enjoy life with just me. I think there's some truth in there somewhere.
The other thing. Do you want to get married? You need to ask yourself if that is something that you want...
And if the answer is yes, then you need to work on acknowledging daily that God put that desire there, and He is working on it. I thought that if I left undergrad. without a girlfriend or a wife, I would be relegated to bachelorhood. I came to terms with that, and God provided a wife. God is one hilariouis motherfucker. There's a lot of love in that statement for me. Please don't read any bitterness because there is none.
And yes, it is work. And at points, being single was a hell of a lot of work too. At points, both aren't any work and totally kick ass. So, that point is pretty much a wash.
Questions? Fire'em on back.
peace,
m.j.
thanks for the thoughts, MattyJ... interesting, but I appreciate the thoughts, and will email you with some more.
and Chris... it was 10 years... when I'm 35... if we're both sadly alone, having found no one. :)
I know exactly how you feel. I will be 24 in March, and I've never been on an alone date with a guy, aside from prom and homecoming. I've had two double dates and kissed two guys whom I barely knew. But never a boyfriend and never a real kiss that meant anything. I've had a very hard tim ebeing single. I myself get the same reponses and it drives me crazy!! I get to the point where I feel I should never talk about it anymore, only to God, or keep enduring the same responses. I am not sure if you feel as much hurt as I do at times, but you might.
What I hate is not only do I question when, but why. Is it because I am overweight? Looks seem to be a huge deciding factor in whom one dates. Is it my personality? Or is it simply God's will. I don't understand why he does the things he does. Especially wh en I'm 24 and have waited this long. Why can't I just have a boyfriend for once. I wish I knew sometimes.
I was reading an article the other day by a woman who was always a bridesmaid, never a bride. After a family reunion filled with couples, sh e finally told God, "I an deal with being single, but I cannot deal with being bitter because of my singleness." I really feel this way too. And I pray daily for God to make me content.
One more thing. Why do a lot of people say, it always comes when you least expect it? Everyday I think about at least once, does that mean I'll never be with anybody???
Grrr... cliches.
Yeah the responses "you will find someone somesay" "It will happen" etc etc......it has been said so much that the value of it, means nothing, except now when i hear it, I tend to get short with that person as it seems such a shallow thing to say...it makes that person come of as not caring that you ever do.....grrr what can i say? Heard it so many times that now I hate to hear that. Makes me want to search my heart more than listen to my married friends anymore.
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