questions

Have you ever reached a point in your life where you simply said to yourself "I don't get it..." but you so desperately wanted to "get it"?

When I was in elementary school, I was a math whiz. We'd have timed tests, and I always faired pretty well. Granted, I was rarely the first one done, but my scores would have made any parent proud. As I approached junior high, and started to learn algebra, geometry and trigonometry, math proved to be no harder than elementary school. I was homeschooled, making my way through a book by a well-known organization known for being good, but somewhat tough material. Junior high math proved to be fairly painless, and I felt ready to take on high school math. I had a wretched Algebra 1 class, setting me up for what would be one of the worst acedemic paths of my life. I didn't get it. Math was so easy for me as a kid, but I couldn't do an Algebra problem to save my life. I did poorly in Algebra 1, barely made my way through Geometry, and nearly failed Algebra 2. When I reached college, I had to take an Algebra class. At that point, I didn't get it, but I didn't care. I hated it with every bone in my body, and knew I was headed for trouble. I also knew that another math course lurked around the corner. However, after 2 takes of Algebra, and 2 takes of Statistics, I was done with math, raising my hands to the sky and praising the Lord with my whole being. No more "I don't get it" statements... Well, at least as far as math is concerned.

I was thinking about my math struggles the other day. There were so many moments where I said, "I don't get it." Math made no sense to me, and it just wasn't connecting in my brain. However, the interesting thing was that I didn't care. I didn't care if I ever knew what a variable was, or if I could differentiate between statistics. I simply didn't get it, and didn't care.

I have been struggling a great deal in my faith lately. As many of you know, I've had a couple rough church situations in my life time. My faith in community has been bruised over time, and I'm not totally sure it's anywhere close to healing. Lately though, I've come across a few questions in my spiritual journey where I've simply said "God, I don't get it." I've come across things that make absolutely no sense to me, that don't click in my brain. However, here's the difference: This time, I do care that I don't "get it."

I've found myself in a state of deep frustration, where I've questioned a lot, doubted more than usual, and have even argued a bit with God. I've talked about my love for questions. I absolutely love to ask people questions, including God. I remember reading Job, and it scared me away from questioning God for a very long time. But I believe questions are good. I believe they help us move past the "I don't get it" and onto a deeper understanding.

I remember in my first attempt at college Algebra. I sat there dumbfounded by how much I didn't know as a 19 year old. I was so embarrased that I couldn't do a simple Algebraic equation. Because of my embarrassment, I didn't ask any questions. What I realized is, that by not asking any questions, I didn't get any answers. I just continued with my "I don't get it" mentality, resulting in round 2 of College Algebra.

I'm at a point in my life right now where I don't get it - I don't get why things are they way they are, and I have a LOT of questions. But I believe that the questions are good. I imagine they will play a vital role in my moving past this stage.

I can't wait for the day when I can say, "Ok, this is now starting to make more sense."

(image by theRIAA @ www.sxc.hu)