being a girl

Being a girl.

I've had a lot of thoughts about this as of late. I know, that sounds weird. I've been a girl for over 25 years, you think I'd be used to the idea by now. But I guess you could say that I've always wondered about gender and the roles of gender, and it's been on my mind a lot lately. I'm not sure if it's because two of my five classes focus a lot on gender roles, if it's because that maternal instinct thing has been creeping in a ton, making it really hard to subdue the deep desire to get married and have a family, if it's because I find myself submersed in a world of interest that is typically dominated by men (music & film) or if it's something subconscious, that I'm not even aware of... But for whatever reason, I've been thinking about gender, femininity and my role as a female.

I'll apologize now for any male readers who are like, "What? I don't want read about femininity!"

This past weekend, I was contracted out (that still sounds so funny to me) by Imago Media (my brother's production company) to work at a conference down in Springfield, IL. I have worked as a part of the production team for a youth conference for the past four summers, and am pretty familiar with doing the CGs for worship. I am pretty familiar with the program Keynote, which is why they asked me to go along. However, I really struggled while we were there. Here I was, one of the only girls in the room (with the exception of 2 female union workers - but let's just say, they're not the most pleasant people you'd ever come across), toting around huge equipment cases, and feeling VERY unfeminine. Even my brother and I had a conversation on the way home about it. I said that there are often times where I feel like just letting a guy do something for me, even if I can do it myself, just so I feel more "girlie". Like, being incapable, weak, or soft are requirements for being a girl. My brother assured me this wasn't the case, but winding up cable snakes, pushing around 15 foot screen cases, and loading a Ryder truck don't exactly mirror the epitome of femininity, you know?

And then there's the whole music thing... I have yet to meet a girl who's nearly as obsessed with music as I am. I'm at least a little comforted in the area of film. I'm surrounded by female film students at school. However, I'm still stuck with being the only girl I know who's TOTALLY into music. A couple weeks ago, I was supposed to go to a Guster concert with my brother. He ended up being REALLY sick and couldn't go. I scrambled to try to find someone to go with, and the only people I could come up with who had even heard of Guster, were all guys. Now, this isn't necessarily a bad thing, except for the fact that all of my guy friends who are Guster fans have girlfriends or wives, making it a little awkward to take a trip down to Chicago with them. I ended up finding a girl friend of mine who just thought it'd be fun to go along, but it again awaked me to the fact that I feel very alone being female and a complete music junkie.

There are other areas were this is the case too - where I worry if I'm not "girlie" enough. Sometimes I wonder if that's why I've only dated one person in my entire life - I'm not girlie enough, or I don't fit some sort of "girlie" mold like I'm supposed to. Sometimes I wonder if that's what's "wrong" with me. And yet, I have to believe that the stereotypes that we're fed through the media of what a "woman" is, or what true femininity is, is completely skewed, horribly innaccurate, and almost impossible to achieve. Proverbs 31 supposedly gives such great examples of what a "woman of God" is supposed to be... And yet, I still struggle with the everday descriptions that we're handed. I struggle with feeling like I don't completely fit the mold, and that everyone around me knows it and is aware of it. I don't by any means want to make it sound like I'm a tomboy - I'm really not. I had my days of being a tomboy when I was younger. I do however, definitely have some very girlie traits: though I don't necessarily sport it, I love fashion and learning about fashion, I can't wait to be a wife and mom, and pray every day that I will be blessed with both those positions, I have an undeniable love for animals (real and stuffed... I just had to part with two dozen stuffed animals. It was a sad day. Doesn't get more girlie than that.), I rather enjoy pink, bubble baths, writing notes, watching chick flicks, and of course, having a good cry.

However, it's just weird when I have those moments where I feel as if I'm breaking some sort of female code because I live, eat, sleep, and breath music, or because I like to work on stage crews, or because I'm into video/graphics stuff, or because I like to watch shows with my dad like Myth Busters, Monster Garage, and Orange County Choppers. I've always thought it'd be fun to restore an old car. I like to watch sports. And I even like to play video games.

Does anyone else ever have those moments, and I'm not just talking about femininity - but where they feel like they're so outside of what society tells them they're supposed to be - how they're suppoed to act, what they're supposed to be interested in, what they're supposed to look like?

Or am I a lone duck on this one?