familiar

This place seems oh-so-familiar. Maybe it's because I was here almost exactly a year ago. Maybe it's because I've been in this place more than once. But it is definitely a familiar place, and yet, I still have no idea how to navigate through it.

It's been quite a while since I've written a blog that reflected a letter moreso than an essay. When I first started blogging, I felt as thought my writing was more personal - as if I was writing letters to the world. And in these letters, I would express my dreams, my frustrations, my excitements, my disappointments, and everything in between. However, when I started writing for Relevant's website, suddenly my blog entries shifted too. I tried to make them sound more philosophical and deep, almost as if I was trying to make them more read-worthy.

But today, in this moment, I feel as though I want to embrace the type of writing I was once more familiar and comfortable with. I want to share with you this "familiar" place in hopes that maybe someone out there will want to journey with me, and maybe even help navigate this crazy life of mine.

This past year, I had the honor of working with the best kids on the planet. Those kids brought me more joy than I would have ever imagined. And Thursday, I had to say goodbye to all of them. As I stood before them with my co-worker Brittany and it was annouced that we were leaving, I was taken with emotion as I heard a loud "NO!" ring throughout the room. At the end of our program on Thursday, I was approached by all my little friends... some of them just wanting hugs goodbye, while others wanted consolation. This one little girl stood before me just sobbing. I had only met the girl 3 weeks prior, and had no idea where her strong attachment came from. But I cried along with her. And as I looked around the room at all the little friends I had made, tears came to my eyes as I knew I may never see some of them again.

Tears have also filled my eyes recently as I have tried to figure out what the next destination is in my journey. I find myself now without a job, without a place of my own, and without a church - three things that are fairly imporant to one's identity. I mean, as much as we don't want to be defined by what we do but rather who we are, there is still a lot of weight put on what it is we do for a living. And if I were asked that right now, I'd have to answer with a big fat "nothing." I have decided that I want to eventually go back to school and become certified to teach, and I have started to take action in moving towards that, but no doors have opened yet. Right now, I'm just trying to locate an open door in a huge hallway of closed ones.

But my biggest desire is to get plugged into a local church. Part of that will depend on what ends up being "local" for me. Over the past couple of years, it has become my desire to attend a church that is in my "neighborhood." When I attended Ridgewood, I lived about 20-25 minutes away, and most of the people who attended there lived further away in the opposite direction. This made "community" outside of church somewhat difficult. I think it'd be amazing to be next door neighbors with some of the people I attended church with. So part of my hesitancy to "plug in" comes from not knowing where I will be located because of a job or living situation.

As many of you know, pluggin into a church has been a constant struggle for me. I wish I could give you the reasons and explanations as to why this is so hard, and there are times where I wish that everyone would have an extended amount of patience with me. This is not like trying to find a new pair of shoes, or even like picking out a new car. Finding a church to commit to and become a part of is a HUGE thing for me, and I want to make sure that my decision is God-driven, not based off emotion. But sometimes, it is SO hard to seperate that. I can't even begin to tell you about the anxiety I've felt regarding church, or how hard it's been to feel uncomfortable every time I step into one... But know that it is a priority to me, just something I haven't quite been able to figure out yet.

As I said, this place is so familiar... I've been here numerous times before. You'd think it would get easier every time.

But it doesn't.

I still don't know how to navigate through it all. I'm still lost.
And I have no idea where the directions are.