thoughts

The past year has been an interesting rollercoaster of many emotions. Some of you know the story of the past year of my life, and all of it's intricate parts, and the ups and downs that go with it. Some of you don't. But no matter what the case, I've made a few observations that I'd like to share with you. These are not exclusive to my own journey as I'm sure quite a few of you have experienced this as well, and these are definitely not NEW observations - a lot of these are basic "duhs" of life, yet so easily forgotten.

1.) Anger is easier than grace. Grace sounds like such a magical term to me. It sounds like this beautiful, far-off promised land where things are right and true... Where wounds can be healed, relationships mended, and journies continued. But you know what? Traveling to this far-off promised land promises only one thing - hills, valleys, roads under construction, potholes, severe weather - you name it, you'll see it. But anger, anger is like a house... The reason I say this is I think about days when there is bad weather, or I know I have to drive through road construction. What would I rather do? Stay in my little house and pout about it. I'd rather stay inside, and talk about how I wish the gas prices were lower, how I wish it wasn't raining, and that I didn't have to go 10 minutes on a detour. But you know what? I never reach my destination doing that. I never can fully enjoy where it is that I wanted to go because I never went. Instead, I stay in my house, mad. And I think that's how it is with anger and grace. Grace requires the tough, treacherous road. It's not easy. It requires some pain & pride being swallowed. But unless that road is taken, you can never fully experience the promised land of grace. Instead, you'll be sitting in your house, wishing you had grace, and making every annoyance out of the path to it.

2.) We hurt most the ones we love the most. I remember back in high school, listening to a live Counting Crows album. There's a song that's never been released on a studio album called "Chelsea" that I instantly fell in love with, and would listen to a great deal. There is a line in the song that goes "The things I do to people I love shouldn't be allowed." I remember at the time, being a naive 16 year old, and thinking to myself, I wonder what he's referring to. I wonder what terrible things he's done, and why he's done them to the people he loves. But this line has never resonated more with me than it has in the past year. Often times I wonder why the ones I love the most, the ones I would lay everything down for the, the ones I would travel to the ends of the earth for, are the ones I tend to hurt the most. Most often, I think it's because they're the most forgiving. Most often it's because I don't think I have the possibility of losing them, so my actions won't have any detrimental ramifications. Absolutely an incorrect assumption, and it definitely has ramifications.

3.) Change is good. Some of you know, I'm a sentimental sap. I like to hang on to just about anything because it has memory and meaning behind it. I mean, I got pouty when we got rid of our front door because the sound of the spring screeching would no longer be there. That spring brings back so many memories of my brother and I darting in and out of the door during the summers. It's a sound that indicated someone coming home. I loved that sound. And I got all sappy about our front door taken away. How sad is that? Anyway, that will give you a little framework for where I'm coming from. I don't let go easily. To memories, to places, to objects, to people, to relationships. And I've had to readjust my life this past year as I've had to let go of a lot of things. But it's good. Moving ahead is good. We wouldn't be where we are now if our ancestors had said, "We like to walk, let's forget the wheel." or "Photographs of people will suffice... They don't need to be moving pictures." What if Martin Luther had never made the change in his life that he did? Change is good... It is. And I'm learning that. I'm no Martin Luther, that's for sure. But change is inevitable, and I'm learning to roll with the punches. Granted, sometimes I let those punches take a sucker shot to the stomach, and then gripe about it. But it's a learning process none the less.

These are just a few of the thoughts I've been having recently, and felt like sharing. I know they're pretty vague for those of you who don't know me super well, and that those of you who DO know me well probably know what sorts of things I'm referring to. But it doesn't matter what I'm referring to. These are situations that happen all the time - with everyone. Situations to choose anger over grace, to hurt those we love, and to accept or deny change. I didn't want to write about specific events because these situations are continuos for me. Everyday, I have to make these decisions. Every day I need to decide what kind of person I want to be. Every day I need to learn what humility and love really looks like in human form. And every day, I fall down and pick myself back up again. It's a continuous journey...