Warning: Large amounts of unprocessed thoughts to ensue
This week I was able to be a part of an amazing community. I worked at a youth conference down in Wheaton, IL with some of the coolest people in the world. But as I began to think about the week, I realized how much healthy community was lacking in my life, and I began to realize just how vital community is to one's spiritual journey.
For the past 9 months, I have not been attending the church I was a part of for the past 5 years. Until this past week, I hadn't taken communion in almost a year. And I have never felt the effects of my situation more than I have this week. I was brought to tears a couple times throughout the week about just how far away God feels. I was talking with a friend of mine, telling him that I'm not angry with God, I still desire to learn about Him, and I hate feeling the way I do, but I can't help it. God feels so far away, and I believe a good part of it is because I do not have a community that I belong to.
I have a small group made up of 7 other individuals. Each of them have been burned by the same thing I have, so we're not the most encouraging to one another. It's a little tough when everyone in the group goes through the same thing - there's no outside perspective, no outside energy to lift each other up. So while I have that "community" it's not the healthiest situation. We don't challenge each other the way we ought. We don't encourage each other the way we ought. And we definitely don't teach each other the way we ought. I'm not even sure we love each other the way that we ought.
This feels a bit like just a bunch of ramblings. And I suppose that's what this is... however, I've just been thinking a lot about how vital community is, and how drastically one's heart can change if not plugged into a healthy one. I know that in time, I will find another community. I know that this feeling of distance between God and I will eventually become less and less of a gap. But for now, it's definitely uncomfortable. It makes me uneasy, unsettled, and frustrated. These feelings of a sub-par relationship with God (which I know will never be perfect, but I know can be better than what it is) weighs heavily on my brain, and I pray that change is around the corner.
Thanks for listening to my thoughts, fears and frustrations.
Sometimes they're written out of intense emotion, but at the same time, it's how I feel, you know?
More ponderings to follow...
7 comments:
Wow its amazing how I see others going through the same things I am. Just yesterday I got a glimpse of belonging to a community. I now know that I am a part of something over something what seemed so small just doing what God enabled me to do, yet it was on a greater scale than I thought it was.
I do hope that your quest for community continues and you feind that in which you seek. Community is crucial to filling the gap between God. If I miss sermon and then community group in the same week I feel so much disconnect it hurts.
And I also know what you mean about we not loving one another like we should. In fact I just had two or three blog entries while I sorted it all out. And then after yesterdays sermon...well needless to say I found out that community and loving one another through God's eyes and not ours are two issues I know that I struggle with, and now knowing others do as well.
i know i have felt this way a lot in my life, so you are not alone....
Tori -
I'm so glad to hear that you had such a positive experience at SEMP last week. Trust me, after meeting all of you guys on the first day of set-up, made me want to stay for the whole week!
I'll be praying for you, as you try and figure out some tough stuff...
Chelsea
Thanks for sharing. Lately I've begun to think that conversations about community are never wasted.
At the risk of sounding too negative, it's no secret how to get closer to God. The Bible teaches that God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek him. Less time spent in worldly activities, and more time spent in the Bible. I read a quote the other day, "When we spend 16 hours a day dealing with tangible things and 5 minutes a day dealing with God, is it any wonder that tangible things are 200 times more real to us than God?
The phrase "worldly activities" gives me pause. Certainly I would encourage Tory to pursue more time reading the Bible and praying. To do so requires a shifty of priorities. Still, your explanation might lead one to believe you assume that truths of God and true acts of worship are not to be found in "the tangible."
This week I've spent significant time at a local coffee shop working and having conversations with people. The tangible life was very much there, but I think God was truly honored and I grew through that work and those experiences in ways I would not had I worked in my house all week.
We need to be careful lest our attempt at avoidance of the world becomes an avoiding of people and places rather than an avoiding of things that truly corrupt.
Thanks Parke... I would tend to agree. I think that God created the tangible for our learning and growing experiences as well. Especially people. Creation too. My friend once gave a sermon that put it in a way I grasped really well. He said that God gives us "handles" with which to grasp Him - His Word, creation, people, etc. It is through those "handles" we get a hold on who God is. However, so often our handles can take the place of God. Think of a door knob. God gives us the doorknob with which to unlock who He is, but so often we just become fascinated or cling tightly to the doorhandle that we never open the door.
I do agree Brett that my time spent with God could definitely use a major increase. I agree that spending time in the word and in prayer are incredibly vital and lacking in my life. I could go on for hours about what contributes to the way I currently feel. But community seemed to be the element that was jumping out at me this week. And I stand firm that community is one of the most vital connections we have to God - after all, we are created in God's image. What better way to get to know Him than getting to know his image bearers, love God by loving them, and serve God by serving them.
Thanks for the thoughts one and all. Keep em coming.
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