Rain Of Wonder

end

2008-08-23T16:35:00.001-05:00

It's been a little over 4 years.

Rain of Wonder has been around for a little over 4 years. It was a fun blog to have, and launched me into a whole new realm of writing. However, I believe I have come to the end of a season, a believe a new start is in order.

Therefore, this is the end for Rain of Wonder.

I have started a new blog which you can check out at:

http://tosinginthesilence.blogspot.com

I'd love to see you there!

Goodnight, and good luck, Rain of Wonder... We had a good run.

little kid life lessons

2008-08-03T19:54:00.003-05:00

There's something so amazing about kids and their ability to share their hearts. I seriously sometimes think I learn the most from people under the age of 10.

Tonight I made a new friend. She's in the 3rd grade. And she likes to draw.

She is also about to be a big sister.

She also wants to play basketball in school.

Her dog also just recently died. So did her grandpa.

She also moves a lot, and hates having to say goodbye to her friends.

And she has an aunt in her life who she says feels is more like her "dad."

Wasn't totally sure what that meant... but that's beside the point.

It was interesting to me how, in the short span of time I sat across from her coloring, that she shared so much of her life with me. I belong to a church plant in Bayview called Veritas, where our pastors Tim and Vicky are passionate about EXPERIENCING God, not just talking about him. They create opportunities for us to engage with God's word in tactile ways - things like drawing, which was exactly what we did tonight. I could see my soon-to-be little friend quickly run over to the table, pick up a piece of paper, and begin to draw. Initially, I wondered if I should sit down by her and start to color, or if that would just freak her out. I decided to go with my gut, which was saying "I WANT TO COLOR!"

I sat down across from her, and within a few seconds, she was politely asking to use the color I was using. I had great plans for my brown colored pencil, but opted to infuse some other colors in my drawing so that she could use the brown pencil. From that point on, my little friend became an open book. She shared with me her excitement and fears for school. She told me she was about to become a big sister. She told me all about her interactions with her family, and about her Grandma who has 7 dogs, 3 cats, a bird, some turtles, and possibly some other animals, not to mention an entire household of people. She quickly warned me against some of the dogs as well, telling me they are quite mean. Good to know. Her stories went on and on, and I was absolutely amazed by her desire to share them with me. I felt so honored to have a glance into this little girl's life, and that she trusted me enough to share it all with me.

As we got closer to finishing our pictures, I noticed she had drawn some grass with a tree in the middle, and a little girl standing next to the tree. I asked her what she drew, and if the little girl was her. She answered with a yes, and I also asked her if the little bubble above her head with "God," written in it, was a prayer. She said, "I'm praying to God, telling him I'm sad about my dog."

My heart just melted. This little girl was so sad about her dog dying, and simply wrote out a little prayer to God to let him know she was sad. It wasn't written out of anger towards God, as if she believed he took away the puppy. It was not her complaining to God because she no longer has her friend. She was merely expressing her sadness to God as a friend, trusting that he'd provide her with comfort...

This past week has been an incredibly hard week for me for multiple reasons. There really isn't any need for me to explain why it was a rough week, but it indeed was quite difficult on many levels. What is interesting to me is that this little girl showed me something I've had a lot of people try telling me before, and I just didn't get it. She showed me what it is to just "be" in whatever emotion you're feeling... and even a step further, to express it to God. So often, I try to "figure it out" before the IDEA of talking to God even crosses my mind. I analyze, I rationalize, I compartmentalize... anything I can do to "fix the situation," when instead, I need to simply write a letter that says, "God, I'm sad..." and just be with God, in my sadness. No fixing, no blaming, no complaining. Just being...

So often, I think I have to figure it out... I have to not FEEL. I grew up in a culture where feelings were not to be trusted, so I continually shoved them aside or ignored them. It worked for a little while, but the older I got, and the more I stuffed, the more I learned I couldn't stuff for much longer. Now, as an adult, I'm learning how to handle my emotions and work through them. Needless to say, the process has been quite ugly...

But it's interesting to me how people like my little friend tonight, can show me something so profound in something so simple as a colored pencil drawing. My heart melted by her genuine openness and honesty with me, and her willingness to be sad before God. She could have easily written angry words in the bubble, asking "God, why did you take my dog?" or demanding "God, I want another puppy!" Instead, she just simply said to me, "I am telling him I'm sad."

As we finished coloring our pictures, I told her I was glad to have met her, and that I hope I get to see her next week so we could color some more together. She gave me a big grin, said it was nice to meet me too, and we then parted ways. She taught me a lesson I've been trying to learn for years... My blog entry doesn't do justice in describing our conversation, or this little girl's heart. But I'm so thankful to have met my little friend, and am indebted to her for the little kid life lesson.

May I be a person who faces my emotions, and learns to be more open and honest with those around me. May I learn to live with my emotions, and not always try to "fix" them. And may I allow the God who designed me to be an emotional being, engage with me in those moments.

48 Hour Film Project - Take One

2008-06-23T15:52:00.001-05:00

(I have a lot to write about the film project I was a part of this weekend, so I plan to write it in two different entries. Take One is my journey leading up to the film project, and a little bit about the film project. Take Two will be more a “play-by-play” of the actual project.)

As long as I can remember, storytelling has been a part of my life. When I was little, my friend Leah and I created our own television station where we created spoof televisions shows such as The B-Team (second string to the A-team), 14 Karat Gold (a hippie version of Solid Gold) and Star Trek: The Lost Generation (another hippie version… we were obsessed with hippies). We took an animation class at the Milwaukee Art Museum where I first learned to use a Super 8 camera. When I was in high school, I made a couple videos for my school. When I was at Judson College, I helped my friend Andrew create videos to show for a variety of events. When I went to UWM, I took all sorts of film classes, and I met someone who offered me a connection with Paramount Pictures. Even now, I find myself wondering about what my life would have looked like if I had picked up and moved to L.A. like I had planned… But while I didn’t move to L.A., and film has not played as large a role in my life as of late, I am still inspired by films.

I remember when I first met Warren Matson, and he learned of my love for film… He said something like, “We should make a film together one day!” We quickly had a connection because of our love for film, and telling stories. He even started a “film club” where he and I, along with our friend Simon, got together once a month to watch movies together and talk about them afterwards. He introduced me to more classic movies, I introduced him to a few foreign films (hooray Werckmeister Harmonies!), and from then on, every time we saw each other, we found ourselves talking about movies.

Last year, I heard about the 48 Hour Film Project through a guy named Jake, whose father I worked with at the Rescue Mission. For a reason that seems to escape me now, he was unable to enter his film. But I remember at the time thinking the concept of the 48 hour film project was spectacular… scary, but spectacular.

Warren and I talked about the film project a couple of times, until one day, Warren told me that he was serious about entering, and was looking to create a team. With much delight, I accepted his invitation to join his team.

Now, my knowledge/experience with filmmaking is minimal, at best. I was an English major with a minor in Film Studies, but I had never actually been involved in making a movie. Videos yes, films no. I’ve helped my brother make some videos, including a spin off of Shyamalan’s “Signs,” but my role was very small and insignificant. As far as camera work, I’ve worked as a cameraman for conferences, but in those situations, the camera is pretty well set up, and I was not required to adjust much aside from the focus and cropping. I’ve also helped shoot footage for my brother before, but again, there were other cameramen on hand, so it was not imperative that my footage be valuable. Needless to say, going into the 48 hour film project, I didn’t have much experience.

Originally, our team seemed to be a bit of a ragged group – with different skill levels, and none of us having done anything too professional. However, as our group began to grow, Warren recruited some very talented, very experienced filmmakers.

If you know me at all, you’ll know that I’m slightly intimidated to work on projects with people who have high expectations. I remember a few years back, I worked on a video where I was the sole cameraman, and I was expected to get decent shots/interviews in a VERY short period of time. We had horrible lighting (an no lights to supplement) and our sound equipment totally malfunctioned. The person I was working with was had very high expectations and was clearly aggravated. Ever since then, I’ve been afraid of producing work for highly experienced, well-skilled people.

When I found out I’d be working as a cameraman under these individuals, panic immediately set in. With the time constraints put on us, I was nervous I wouldn’t be able to move fast enough and produce what they wanted. I feared I wasn’t qualified enough to serve in the role I’d been asked.

However, as the day approached, it looked as though my responsibilities would be different than I expected (which was good!). Instead, I was to serve as assistant cameraman, helping the camera operator by moving the camera, plugging in all the cords, and wrangling them if need be. This seemed to be a role I could handle a bit better, though there was still a learning curve.

I met Mitch, Megan, and Drew a few weeks before the project. The three of them are well versed in the world of film, and they would definitely prove to be unbelievably valuable on set. I mostly worked with Mitch, who served as the director of photography, as well as the cameraman and lighting director. He is very smart and experienced when it comes to film, but he could not have been any more patient with the varying skill levels he had to work with. He was willing to teach all of us, and was great to work for. I hope that some day in the future I get the opportunity to work with him again as I feel I could learn a great deal from him.

The project was completed with 4 minutes to spare. We found out the genre and necessary “includes” for the film, wrote the film, and created a shot list all on Friday night, shot all day Saturday, edited Saturday night and Sunday, and laid down the soundtrack Sunday afternoon. I have yet to see the finished product, but am extremely excited to see the fruit of this journey.

While my role was small, I feel like I learned a lot – if anything, just being on a film set was incredible. I’ve been in love with film for a long time, and have always wanted to experience what it would be like to be a part of a film. While this was on a small scale, it gave me a good glimpse into the world of movie making, and I was glad to be a part of it.

Thanks to all the people I met while working on this project – I had a blast.

storm

2008-04-25T03:41:00.003-05:00

It's 3:41am. I fell asleep at 7:30pm. Hence my being wide awake at 3:41am.

I'm laying in bed as I write this, sitting below an open window, listening to the thunderstorm as it is barking outside. I absolutely love thunderstorms. They make my heart so incredibly happy. I took the above picture last summer during a thunderstorm. It was my first attempt at a long exposure... Obviously, I did not have the hang of it. But the photo still turned out kind of fun. Anyway, with the little bit of coherency I have right now this early in the morning, I started thinking about why I love thunderstorms so much. I think part of the reason is because I have so many great memories attached to thunderstorms...

1. When I was a little kid, my best friend Leah and I tried to create our very own weather station. We were convinced we were going to predict the weather, and provide the neighborhood with information so they could prepare for storms. Granted, we knew nothing about meteorology, but we'd sit in our weather station (ironically, a tree) and let everyone (ok, our parents) know when a storm was coming (um, basically, the sky would be pitch black... anyone would know a storm was coming...). Leah and I both had phones in our basements, so whenever the sirens went off and we'd have to head down to the basement, she and I would call each other on the phone and talk about the great storm that was outside, and what we were hearing on the radio. I have such great memories of talking with her on the phone during storms.

2. Speaking of being in the basement... I love my mom dearly. She's a great mom, and always wanted us to be safe. But we had a lot of really crazy thunderstorms when I was little. Therefore, we would OFTEN go down to the basement during storms, despite some of our protesting (my brother and I, and sometimes my dad, would always want to sit on the front porch and watch). I have great memories though of sitting in the basement, in the dark (our power went out a bit) with a flashlight, listening to the siren and the radio, and waiting for the "all clear" to go back upstairs. I remember seeing my dad without his glasses - which seemed so unusual. I remember my mom being slightly worried that none of us were worried. And I remember both my brother and I being excited by the loud and bright fiasco happening right outside our windows.

3. I remember once, for some reason, there was a horrible storm outside and for some reasons, the sirens hadn't gone off. I think I was old enough that my brother was away at college, and I remember my dad and I stepping outside to watch the storm. It was incredibly dark outside for the middle of the day, with crazy amounts of wind. I remember being excited because the sirens HADN'T gone off, and we were able to convince my mom that since they hadn't gone off, we didn't need to go down the basement. I remember standing outside with my dad, looking up at the sky, and talking about how great it felt to be in the middle of it. We talked about the power of storms and what a tornado might feel like. These kinds of moments between my dad and I were kind of rare, and I cherished every one of them... This memory in particular sticks out to me because I felt like we were getting away with something... We were outside in the middle of a storm, when we probably should have been inside taking cover.

4. One of my greatest memories from Judson College is when my crazy roommate and I, along with our two friends Emily and Kristy from the 3rd floor of our dorm, would go out and play during the middle of thunderstorms. Now, I realize, this was not the safest thing in the world, as I have a friend who was struck by lightning, and just barely survived. However, we had SO much fun. We'd run all over campus: we'd run to all the dorms and see if we could find anyone else to join in our rain dance, and we'd run to all the computer labs - drenched - to find any of our friends who might join in... The parking lots had huge pot holes which created for amazing puddles to jump in. There was a spot, right in front of the chapel, where the ground was uneven, and created for a trench of sorts... We would run and slide across this on our backs or stomachs as nature's own slip-n-slide. Sure we'd get grass in places where the sun doesn't shine, but it was well worth it. I loved being out in the rain. Taking walks in the rain is probably one of my most favorite things to do... something I haven't really done since my days at Judson, and something I soon need to resurrect.

5. Another memory from Judson was a tape I received from my friend Colin. We'd gone quite a long period without having any good thunderstorms. Just a bunch of dreary rain. I was lamenting to my friend Colin about it, that I hadn't been able to fall asleep to the sound of rain pounding on the roof, or thunder rumbling in the distance. the next day, he hands me a tape. He'd created an entire tape with thunderstorm sounds on it so that in the absence of thunderstorms, I could listen and fall asleep to the tape and at least PRETEND that there was a thunderstorm outside. How great is that? My friend Colin was amazing... and to this day, I think it's one of the most amazing gifts I've ever received.

6. The last memory I'll share happened the night before my high school graduation. We had a horrible storm. While there weren't actually any tornados per se, there might as well have been. We had 80mph winds, and some pretty violent lightning. Once the storm had subsided, my brother and I somehow convinced my mom to let us go out in the car and survey the damage at like 4:00 in the morning. My brother and I hopped in the car, and found that there were more streets blocked than streets we could drive down. Trees were down everywhere. People were out in their yards, in the streets, surveying the damage. I can't ever remember a time being outside at 4am and seeing so many other people outside at 4am. We drove past a park where we grew up, and there were at least 30 trees split right in half, laying all over the park floor and the surround streets. While this storm created for some sadness in our hearts (our childhood park would never look the same as they had to cut down most of the trees, and there were a lot of people who suffered quite a bit of damage to their house) I remember feeling like my brother and I were on an adventure. We had to try to navigate around the city and find streets that were actually open. We talked about all the people we saw, all the crazy things we saw... It's one of my favorite memories with my brother, actually...

There are so many other memories I could write about... but seeing as how it is the middle of the night, and my brain isn't at full capacity, I thought I'd write about the memories that stuck out to me. I love thunderstorms, and am so grateful I woke up for a half an hour of bliss this evening.

Thanks for reading my fun memories of thunderstorms... my heart is happy right now.

walk away

2008-03-08T00:43:00.004-06:00

Sometimes, we come across songs that seem to reach deep within us. Right now, for me, in this moment, it is "Walk Away" by Ben Harper. It's beautiful. It's sad. And I love it. It has been on repeat on my iPod, and I now share it with you.

Walk Away - Ben Harper

Oh no
Here comes that sun again
That means another day
Without you my friend

And it hurts me
To look into the mirror at myself
And it hurts even more
To have to be with somebody else
And its so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away

With so many people
To love in my life
Why do I worry
About one

But you put the happy
In my ness
You put the good times
Into my fun
And its so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door

We've tried the goodbye
So many days
We walk in the same direction
So that we could never stray
They say if you love somebody
Than you have got to set them free
But I would rather be locked to you
Than live in this pain and misery

They say time will
Make all this go away
But its time that has taken my tomorrows
And turned them into yesterdays
And once again that rising sun
Is dropping on down
And once again you my friend
Are nowhere to be found
And its so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door
You just walk away
Walk away

results

2008-02-13T20:48:00.005-06:00

I have a picture.

This is my little friend Elijah. I haven't seen Elijah in months. He's probably so much bigger, and all the more adorable... I miss him immensely.

But I thought this picture was fitting for this entry. We were having so much fun when we took this picture - laughing and laughing - so much, it was difficult to get a picture that wasn't blurry. A little over a week ago, I posted an entry about a "joy journey" I would take. I would like to clarify that what I'm about to list is not my main source of joy... rather, these are the things that when I am down, frustrated, sad, angry, annoyed... fill in the blank... that I look to, that help me remember the little things in life worth celebrating. My brother's friend Shauna wrote a book called "Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life." I love the title for this book, and I love the contents of the book even more. Shauna is so good at loving life, and celebrating even the simplest of things.

And that was the purpose of my joy journey - to exercise my ability to focus on celebration rather than frustration, to recognize beauty in life, rather than ugliness, and to remember that being a kid - or rather, enjoying the life-giving activities of children - is sometimes far more fun than being an adult.

So, without further introductory rambling, I present to you my joys list from the past week:

- Listening to the "Curious George" soundtrack at work.
- Coloring on my lunch break.
- Random invite out to lunch by a favorite co-worker
- Spelling out words one letter at a time in the email subject line
- Wetsuit-sporting rubber duck my boss brought back from her business trip
- Uncontrollable-laughter-which-leads-to-crying
- Facebook messages from people I haven't seen/talked to in a while
- My co-worker Kate, and all our weird quirky jokes
- Friends who encourage me to pursue what I love
- This amazing coloring book I found at Barnes and Noble, that one day, I will own
- Dreaming about planting a church
- Friends who suggest children's books for me to read
- When a person brushes about 8 inches of snow off my car... anonymously
- Snow days
- Nerd glasses - especially when worn by a one Mr. Nigel
- M. Night Shyamalan movies
- Little kid giggles
- Funny miscommunications (still wondering how "Nelson-Rowe" = "Nosow")
- Unexpected thoughtfulness from others
- New music playlists

I'm sure there were more, but these were the "documented" ones. I had a great week. Lots of events, lots of people, and lots of moments that contributed to a what I would consider a week filled with joy.

It was interesting to see, how when I made a conscious decision to focus on the positive, how much more quickly the negative seemed to disappear. I found it interesting how much my attitude changed the more I chose to celebrate, rather than sulk. It didn't always work. I still found moments where I was down, or frustrated...

But I started to wonder what might happen if I made it a habit of doing this daily? Instead of it being some sort of experiment for a blog post, if it were to become a lifestyle? I am both excited and challenged by this joy journey, and where it has taken me. I can only hope that as I move forward, I am able to continue the journey in a way that goes beyond a one week experiment, but rather, something that will forever transform my ability to celebrate the extraordinary in every day life.

commitment

2008-02-06T21:15:00.000-06:00

Earlier this week, as I was sitting at my desk at work, daydreaming about how glorious a snow day would be, I received an email from my friend. It simply said,

“Deep.

Ham and eggs. A days work for the chicken, a lifetime commitment for the pig.”

Deep.”

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I laughed pretty hard, and thanked my friend for providing me with a humorous intermission during my somewhat monotonous day. However, this quote kept replaying over and over in my head, and I began to think about the truth behind it’s statement.

I know, I know… Gosh Tory, why do you have to make everything so serious and deep? Well, simple answer: Because I can. I love humor, and I definitely enjoyed the humorous angle to the above statement. But I also love when I discover profound thought and truth in simple things, especially when it smacks me over the head, as it often does.

I began to think more about this quote, and actually found some interesting alternatives. One such alternative reads:

"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved; the pig is committed.”

I use the term “committed” so loosely sometimes. I’m committed to eating healthier (which is why I’ve eaten too many pieces of banana bread today). I’m committed to writing a “quote series” on my blog (which is why I haven’t written for three days). I’m committed to becoming a better photographer (and yet, ask me how many photos I’ve taken in the past month – it’s pathetic, really). I’m committed to following Jesus (which is why I daily have to remind myself of that commitment). So often do I say I’m committed, and so often do I fail to truly understand what that means.

However, I don’t think commitment is something to take lightly.

I’m not always so flippant about commitment… In fact, it is a trait I strive to own. Take when I worked at the Mission… I worked so many hours off the clock, spent so many dollars of the money I made while actually punched in, and gave a huge piece of my heart away to children and friends I adored. I lived and breathed everything that was going on while I was there. I loved it. It was my passion, and I was committed to it 110%.

However, I started to think about the things I’m NOT so passionate about… Where I currently work, being one of those things. I am committed because I signed an agreement that said I would be an employee of ASQ. I am committed because working there pays my bills – if I don’t work, I don’t have money to pay rent, which would mean I ultimately wouldn’t have a place to live. I’m committed because I gave them my word that every day, I would show up at 8, and work until 5. However, I’m not passionate about it. It is just a commitment I have made that day in and day out, I keep to because I have to. It’s not really an option.

The thing that stuck out to me about commitment in the story of ham and eggs though, and the difference between situation one and situation two is this idea of sacrifice. How far does my commitment go, and what am I willing to sacrifice for it? This became tough when I started looking at other areas of my life, and how committed I am to them.

How committed am I to going to and being a sacrificial member of a church?

How committed am I to loving my neighbors, no matter what the cost?

How committed am I to loving my co-workers, even if it means I don’t like my job?

How committed am I to following Jesus, no matter how messy it gets?

How much am I willing to sacrifice for these things?

I began to wonder if I’m more like the chicken – simply a donor of minor proportions; or more like the pig – who gives his entire life for the cause. Sadly, I think more often than not, I’m a chicken.

I wonder if that’s where the taunting phrase came from. You know when you’re a kid, and you’re afraid to do something – they yell “Chicken!” To some extent, what they’re really saying is, “You’re scared to commit. You’re scared to see what could really happen if you let go of it all… You’re too afraid to sacrifice it all for this one, big thing.”

That’s me… all the way. I’m scared to commit to what I don’t know or understand. I’m scared to see what could happen if I really let go. And I’m scared to sacrifice it all, even though I know it’s for something far better. Basically, I’m scared to be the pig.

But scary as it may be, commitment requires that I be the pig. It requires that I move beyond being a passive donor, and move towards being a sacrificial contributor. It requires that I no longer give just part of me, but all of me.

May I be a person who provides the ham, not just eggs.

(ps. check back later this week for a drawing I created in my journal to go with this post... should be up in the next couple of days)

joy

2008-02-03T22:02:00.001-06:00

One joy scatters a hundred griefs.
- Chinese Proverb

Today, I was posed with a question: Why do we - humanity in general - tend to use what we’re against to define us, rather than what we’re for? It was a good discussion, and it was interesting to hear the different answers we came up with. I’m still chewing on this idea a bit, and hope to tackle it soon, but this question lead me on another rabbit trail of thought as I drove home after conversing with my friend.

For some reason, my mind began to drift towards the idea of joy, and why it is we let grief consume us rather than joy. I had a frustrating weekend. Nothing major or of any great consequence happened, but due to a few different circumstances, I found myself incredibly frustrated, and at one point almost angry, over things that were happening. While I could rationalize to myself that in the grand scheme of things, what happened over the weekend really didn’t matter all that much, I couldn’t seem to shake the frustration, or the sadness that I was feeling.

Today, I really began to think about just how much I allow grief, or frustration, or pain to grip my soul. I become so stuck in those moments, that I can't seem to see anything beyond.

A while back, I used to create a “joys” list whenever I felt stuck like that. I know that originally, I got the idea from a fellow blogger. I read through their list of “joys” – the things in life they were choosing to celebrate – and was inspired to create my own list.

In my search this evening to find a quote for this series, I came across the above Chinese proverb. Originally, I was turned off to the idea of writing about it. I continued to search for other quotes, but kept coming across it. Finally, I resorted myself to the idea that maybe – just maybe – my repetitious discovery of the quote meant I need to sit with.

So here I am… Sitting with it.

I am curious to see how true this statement is. I wonder, if in the midst of frustration, in the midst of sadness, in the midst of whatever it is that I’m feeling that is the opposite of joy, what that might do for my soul? I wonder if I took a moment to reflect on what brings me joy, if I took some time to genuinely soak in the life-giving nature of that joy, how it might transform me? What shifting my focus, choosing to dwell in the brilliant things in life – might that do to that moment? That hour? That day? That week? That month?

I wonder what would happen, if in those moments, I wrote down something that gives me joy – whether it be something with great depth and meaning, or something incredibly simplistic.

My friends, I have a plan.

This week, I am going to carry a little notebook with me everywhere I go (well, almost everywhere…). Throughout the day, I’m going to write down joy as I see it. And in moments of frustration, or hurt, or sadness, I will look for the things that bring me joy. While I can’t take a break every 15 minutes at work (and sometimes, I feel like frustration can come every 15 minutes), my goal is to document my “joy sightings” or my decisions to choose joy over grief, and see what kind of difference it makes in my countenance, my demeanor, and maybe even my ability to spread joy.

It’s a bit of an experiment, if you will. I have no idea if I will be successful. My joy journey may only last one day… But that one day, is better than no days, right? And at least I can share with you how one day affected me.

So stay tuned… I will attempt to provide a joy journey report at the end of the week. My hope is that in between now and then, I will post more blog entries… But I am also sans-iBook right now, so we shall see when the next blog post will arrive.

As always, I appreciate your thoughts and comments. It spurs me on to write more, and it also makes me feel not so alone in this journey. Thanks for taking it with me.

being

2008-01-31T13:28:00.001-06:00

“If you would create something, you must be something.”
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

This quote scares me. A lot.

For the past year or so, I’ve been on the “hunt” for inspiration. In the very conversation that led to this “quote series” of blog entries, my friend and I also talked about inspiration – what inspires us and drives us to create. Both of us like to consider ourselves “artists,” and compared the ways in which we feel inspired. My friend is inspired by other people’s creations – when he sees a photo he likes, reads a challenging book, sees a well-crafted movie, or hears a quote that resonates well with him, he is inspired to create. I, on the other hand, am typically inspired by nature – the ocean, a beautiful sunset, a crazy storm… I am also inspired by really good conversations, and watching human interaction. I explained to my friend that for the past year, I’ve felt uninspired – I’ve been looking, and finding little to none.

However, if I fall back on this quote – that in order to create something, I must be something – it seems as though inspiration may be spurred on by who I am, not what I experience. Sounds a bit narcissistic, but track with me here…

I realize that unless I’m God (which clearly I am not), that my creation – whether it be a piece of writing, a photograph, a painting, a piano melody, etc. – has to come from somewhere… And that it’s very possible the things mentioned above can trigger my desire to create. However, I cannot create from nothing. What if, in actuality, we create from who we are – not what we experience. I create because I am a lover of beauty (nature), or because I am a lover of thought, or a lover of people, or because I was designed to reflect a creator… Maybe it’s who I am, how I was designed, and what I’m being, that is the pure force behind what I create.

This brought me back to my journey for inspiration… What if I’m looking for the wrong things? What if it’s easier for me to place my faith in things like the ocean, or my little friends from the Mission, or a girl talking about selling an organ to get an iPod – what if it’s easier for me to place my faith in these things, than it is to look at who I am for inspiration? The things I just listed are separate from who I am and what I’m “being” – things that can very easily disappear and no longer exist. I’ve blamed those missing things for my “lack of inspiration,” that because I no longer work at the Mission, because it’s winter and I can’t sit down by the lakefront, or because I’ve become a bit of a hermit who doesn’t seem to engage in really good conversations anymore, I don’t have any “inspiration”? What if I don’t like who I’m “being” and what if my creation reflects that? I’d much rather create something that reflects beauty, intrigue, and love than I would all the messy places of my soul I so desperately try to hide.

I welcome any thoughts you have on the topic… My goal here is not to make it sound as if everything I create (or we as a collective whole) is based solely on myself and who I am. What I’m saying is that what if who we are, and what we’re striving to be, are the real drivers behind our creativity? I think that for me, it’s made me realize that maybe I should stop trying so hard to find inspiration, and figure out what it is that makes Tory, Tory… and how I can share that with the rest of the world through my creations.

After all… we are all a part of one big story, all of us – our lives, our creations -bringing beauty (even in its ugliness) to the ancient story.

Thoughts… please…

dirt

2008-01-29T20:37:00.000-06:00

"Every flower must grow through dirt."
-- Anonymous

I think flowers may just be one of God's most stellar creations. I mean, just think about them... brilliant in color and scent. Delicate, and yet fiercely beautiful. And such an intricate process in order to live and grow.

I know a lot about the intricacies of plants, and the process of keeping them alive. Rather, my experience has been the opposite. I'm TERRIBLE at keeping plants alive. My poor plant at work goes from dry, to wilty, to watered, to dry, to wilty, and continues this cycle on a weekly basis. I'm so neglectful.

However, I'm fascinated by plants and flowers... how they require so many elements working together in order to sustain them, and that they require a lot of work - especially under human care... Such delicate things, those flowers...

Recently in my life, I've had a few people point out what would seem to be, to them, errors in my life. Areas where I am broken, lacking, failing... While there can be some validity to these sorts of "light casting" sessions, I struggle a great deal in believing them to be errors, or something that's "wrong" with me...

I love the above quote. It is so encouraging to my heart and soul, and I think it allows me to wrap my hands around people's comments regarding my character and my life a little bit more easily.

There's no question that a flower needs dirt to grow. It needs all the nutrients the dirt has to offer. Is everything about the dirt beneficial? Probably not. And the dirt isn't necessarily good for much more other than growing things. However, the dirt is absolutely necessary for growth. How often do we neglect our "dirt" or try to cover it up? Sure, we put flowers in cute flower pots, and sure we try to make them look as "homey" as possible... but the fact still remains: there's dirt. It's there. Everyone knows it's there. Everyone can see it. So why do we try so hard to mask our dirt? And how often do we prematurely cut the flower, put it in a vase with only water, and expect it to continue growing in it's new, sans-nutrient environment? I know for me personally, I've gone the vase route too many times. I've been disgusted with the dirt, sick of the clay pot... and decided the vase would be the best place to plant myself. But soon, my water supply becomes depleted, and I suddenly have nothing to promote my growth.

We need the dirt. We need all of the hurt, the pain, the raw emotion, the irrational fears... all of those stretching moments when we learn that we are much smaller and more incapable than we realize. Those moments - as ugly and dirty as they may seem - are really the things that drive our growth; they help us move forward, learn, and change. Sure there is a time to be uprooted... but we need to learn to embrace the dirt, and not look for the quickest route out of the pot.

The cool thing about flowers? Dirt alone won't do the trick. Flowers also need water and sunlight to survive, breathing life into them. How great is that? Our growth is not all about dirt, and we don't have to deal with just dirt 24/7.

I love this idea... Embrace the dirt. Know there will be sunshine.

May I learn to live everyday comfortable in the dirt, beaming amidst the sunshine.

series

2008-01-29T20:26:00.000-06:00

I admit it.

I've failed.

I've failed to keep up with this blog.

I've failed on finding inspiration, finding the things in life worth writing about.

I used be so good about posting. I used to have such a deep desire to write almost every day. And recently, it's felt more like a chore.

But I want to write. Really I do.

Even though my actions tell you all otherwise.

However, my good friend S.McConico spewed forth a bunch of "inspirational" ideas to try and jump start my noggin'. Originally, I was a little annoyed because he had a ridiculous amount of ideas, and really, I wanted to find my own inspiration. And none of his ideas seemed similar to the ways I'm normally inspired anyway.

However, I decided to try one of his suggestions: quotes.

I found a whole slew of quotes that resonated well within my soul.

So, I've decided to try something - write a series of blog entries based on quotes. That is my goal. That is my decision.

Let's hope I can stick to this new mini-series of blog posts.

Here we go...

Distractions

2008-01-09T13:03:00.001-06:00

Distractions

I got into an interesting conversation with a good friend of mine last night. This good friend of mine has had a goal for quite a while now, but has found himself unable to attain that goal. Just recently, he decided to take some very solid steps towards achieving his goal, and in doing so, hopes to avoid or dismiss any distraction that may arise, keeping him from seeing his goal to completion.

He described a few factors that exist in his life that serve as distractions. Obviously, we all have distractions – things that come up that derail us from accomplishing what we’ve set out to do. Sometimes distractions can be bad. However, I challenged him that I think sometimes, distractions – or derailments – can be good. This then launched us into a huge discussion about what exactly constitutes a “distraction” and are all distractions bad?

I gave him an example from my life:

I was a senior in college. I was 26, a late graduate, having taken 3 years off to “figure out what I want to do with my life.” At age 26, I was ready to begin life. I was ready to have a career, I was ready to begin paying back all the debt I had accrued over the years, and I was ready to move away from the city I’d known my whole life. I wanted something different, something new… I graduated from college with a degree in English, with a focus in media/film studies. My goal was to work my way into the film industry, starting out as a production assistant. My last semester, I met a girl who’s father was the head set designer and stunt coordinator for Paramount Pictures. I found myself with an incredibly promising networking opportunity, friends in L.A. to live with, and an opportunity to live out my dream of being in the film industry.

Then, my plans changed.

Sonlife Ministries is an organization I had worked with for the 4 summers prior to my senior year. I had always been a believer of the organization, and loved the things they were doing. During the same time I was making plans to move to Los Angeles, I was approached by the director of Sonlife Ministries, and offered a temporary position. They needed help running their junior high and high school events, and asked if I was interested. This was something I’d always thought about, but never had the opportunity to pursue. I weighed my options, and after much thought, decided I would switch paths mid-course. I would take the position at Sonlife, and hold off on my thoughts of movie-making.

While at Sonlife, I began to realize that it was not everything I had hoped for. In fact, I knew it was not where I was meant to stay. So after only three months of working there full time, I decided I needed to look into other options. That is when the position at the Milwaukee Rescue Mission fell into my lap… and my life was forever changed.

The Milwaukee Rescue Mission was one of the best things that ever happened to me. It shaped and molded who I am today, and I am forever grateful for that opportunity. While I was only there one short year due to unforeseen circumstances, I fell in love with the city, and now have a clearer picture of what it I am truly passionate about.

Sonlife Ministries was a distraction from my original goal of movie-making. Sonlife ended up not being what I wanted, but it led me to the Mission – something that, had I moved to Los Angeles when originally planned, I would have missed out on.

My friend suggested all of the things that could have happened if I HAD moved out to Los Angeles. I could have found a great job that paid a lot of money, helping me get rid of my debt. I could have met someone, gotten married, and had kids. There are a lot of “could haves” but that doesn’t mean that the Sonlife/Rescue Mission distraction weren’t worth it. It was COMPLETELY worth it. The kids I worked with at the Mission will forever be in my heart, and have changed my view on life a great deal.

As my friend and I continued our conversation, I challenged him to take his “distractions” seriously, and to not just brush them off. I told him, “You never know when what you deem a distraction ends up being life-changing.”

If only I could learn to look at all my “distractions” this way… That where I am might just lead me to where I want to be, even though it doesn’t seem possible right now. Who knows where this path might lead me? And who knows when I will be asked to change paths?My hope is that I, along with my friend, know which path to take when it crosses our current one, and that we learn to be thankful for all the “distractions” that come our way.

showdown

2007-11-03T20:20:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the Graham and Tory Music Showdown.

I have a friend named Graham who is crazy creative and has amazing taste in music. I look forward to our chats because we usually end up swapping music suggestions, telling each other about the tunes that are currently tickling our ears.

Tonight, we had our first music showdown ever.

I like to call it a showdown... it's more dramatic.

Anyway, for your ear's sake, take note of the amazing tunes being swapped back and forth. Here are the results of the showdown.

Round 1:
Graham: "One Life" by Kalai
Tory: "Stars of God" by Northern Room

Round 2:
Graham: "Fake Empire" by The National
Tory: "Heaven" by The Fire Theft (Thanks Jo!)

Round 3:
Graham: "I'll Believe In Anything" by Wolf Parade
Tory: "Inside Your Head" by Eberg

Round 4:
Graham: "Is There A Ghost" by Band of Horses
Tory: "In Passing" by Company of Thieves

Round 5:
Graham: "Fans" by Kings of Leon
Tory: "Mr. Blue" by Catherine Feeny

Round 6:
Graham: "Valentine Heart" by Tania Tikaram
Tory: "Home" by Martinez & Guthrie

Round 7:
Graham: "Better Than" by John Butler Trio
Tory: "Hallelujah" by Cooper

Round 8:
Graham: "See The World" - by Gomez
Tory: "It's Not True" - by William Fitzsimmons (thanks Simon!)

Round 9:
Graham: "The Story" by Brandi Carlile
Tory: "Changing Your Mind" by Bob Schneider

Round 10:
Graham: "Finch On A Saturday" by Horsefeathers
Tory: "The Land Between Solar Systems" by Mum

Round 11:
Graham: "Much Farther To Go" by Rosie Thomas
Tory: "We're On Fire" by Northern Room

There you have it. The first music showdown for your listening pleasure. Thank you to my friend and fellow music junkie, Mr. G. Shepherd. I now have a "Grahamalicious" playlist to tide me over for a while.

Until the next showdown...

world

2007-10-28T20:08:00.000-05:00

There is so much swirling around in my head and my heart right now that I can't really seem to put it into words. I have been sitting here at my computer for a good hour now trying to figure out how and what to write... and it won't come.

The picture above is of my friend Craig and his son Elijah. I love the sky in this picture and their silhouettes against it. It makes me think of a song I've been listening to nonstop all week. In some odd way, this song has been good for my soul. I realize the first line is a little jarring, but the song is so beautiful. If you get a chance, check it out on iTunes.

But this idea... of the world spinning madly on... it's exactly how I feel right now. That life is so crazy, and the world is so messed up... but, the world will continue to spin... No matter what happens, no matter how things unfold... life will continue.

With that, I leave you with the lyrics for "The World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies.

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on.

on writing

2007-10-08T19:00:00.000-05:00

The act of writing is interesting to me. I have so many odd quirks when it comes to writing. I've been thinking about it the past couple of days. Here are a couple of my musings...

Space is everything.

I am totally and completely spacially oriented. Some may go as far as saying I'm obsessive compulsive about it. But space - in every way - is so very important to me. I make sure I have enough space to spread out when I am in a cafe, or, if the cafe is crowded, I make sure I have a corner where I can tuck myself in. I also have to be facing a very specific direction. For those of you that have dined with me, you will know that I usually pick the seat that faces the most amount of open space. Usually, I will aim to have either my back or side against a wall, and I usually try to face the door, or at least the front counter. I'm not necessarily concerned about needing to know where the exits are, but I need to be able to see the majority of the space I am occupying. Lighting is also another deal maker or breaker for me. I absolutely HATE flourescent light, and I love rooms that are lit by natural light. However, there is another element of "space" that is really hard to explain...but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting here at my parents house, the place I grew up and the place I lived until 3 weeks ago. I've written many a blog entry in this house. However, I am sitting at my mom's computer, in my mom's room, and in a house that is no longer my main place of occupancy. For whatever reason, this is causing a huge creative block in my brain. I find it extremely difficult to think creatively (hence a post on writing). Another example of this - I sat outside during my lunch hour today. I work downtown Milwaukee, and our building is right on the Riverwalk. So, I picked up my Potbelly sandwich, headed over to the river walk with journal and iPod in hand... the wind was blowing, the sun was shining, people all around me, huge, historic buildings towering over me... and nothing. Absolutely nothing came. All I could do was daydream, and wonder why the woman sitting behind me clipping her nails had to sit RIGHT behind me, and not on one of the 8 other benches that were open around us.

Space and comfort are everything when it comes to writing... well, mostly everything.

A phrase escaped me today that surprised me little bit. I had sent an email to someone telling them that often times, it is quite easy for me to spill all of my thoughts out in an email, even if I don't know the person I'm emailing all that well. The person responded by telling me the opposite is true for them. I then answered with the following phrase: "I often show great courage through written word, when really I'm just cowering behind a screen/pen & paper." I didn't really realize how true that is of me until I wrote that. But it's so incredibly true.

Often times, I write about the things I am learning, or the things I'm experiencing, and I express them with an attitude of confidence - as if I've got it figured out. I've written about this before - how writing often gives me some sort of false confidence simply because I don't have to deal with the immediate response. But in some ways, written words are more detrimental, harder to take back. With written words, you don't have the excuse of not having "thought it out." Written words seem so much more, well, permanent. And that's scary... I don't know how many of my words I want imortalized.

Anyway, those are my random Monday night thoughts on writing. I wish I had something more profound, something more creative to write. But I've been reading a lot and hoping to write so much more, I'm just not there yet. These were the few thoughts that came to my head today about the topic of writing.

I do hope to write more. Both old school and new school style. I miss my computer. But, I think my pen and journal are happy it's gone for the time being.

alive

2007-10-05T07:59:00.001-05:00

Yes... I'm alive...

But still without internet.

Next Friday... hopefully, a week from today, I will be up and running again. I will be able to post more blog entries and more pictures. I will be able to communicate via email, IM, and other forms of online "connectors."

But for now, here's the update:

Job = Good.
Confusing status (am I staying a temp, are they buying me out?). But good.

Condo = Lots of work.
There were a lot more things wrong with it than we first thought.
But it's getting there. Another few days, and it should feel more like home.

Church = Great.
Haven't met a lot of people, but feel like I'm building some relationships with some very amazing people.

Love life = Non-existent.

Oh well... Can't have everything, right? :)

Hahaha...

More to come soon.

path

2007-09-23T12:57:00.000-05:00

Well friends, I am on a new path in life... Lots has changed over the past month or so. I now have a new job working as an administrative assistant for a company called ASQ (The American Society for Quality). I now have a new home - I moved in with my ex-coworker and friend Brittany. And I have a new church... well, not entirely new. I attended Metrobrook for a few months last summer, but I've now decided to be a "regular" attender.

And I couldn't be happier.

Now, I will give you a disclaimer. I'm EXTREMELY tired. I haven't had much time to do much of anything over the past couple of weeks. I haven't been near my computer. I haven't taken any pictures. I haven't done much writing or reading. Hopefully, as the dust starts to settle, I'll be able to do more of that...

For now, I just wanted to give you a quick update as to where I am at. I will probably be MIA for the next week or so as we do not have internet access at our condo, but I'm hoping that by early next week I can post some pictures of the new place.

I hope you are all well. Love you, friends.

push me

2007-08-27T00:01:00.000-05:00

As I sat listening to my friend Tim preach a sermon, the first time I’d ever actually heard him preach, I was taken back by his acute observations and eloquent retelling of an experience he had just recently. Tim and his wife Vicky are on a journey to do a church plant, and have teamed up with Metrobrook to envision what God might have for them and the city of Milwaukee. Metrobrook Church, where Tim is now on staff, is currently doing a series called “God Is Closer Than You Think: Seeing God in the Ordinary.” This idea was coined from John Ortberg’s book, “God Is Closer Than You Think” and the pastors of Metrobrook have tapped into great teachers such as Rob Bell and Rabbi Lawrence Kushner. However, it was Tim’s detailing of his experience that spoke to my heart. Often times, when Tim needs to do some thinking or dreaming, he heads out to the place where he believes God is calling him to plant a church – a part of town referred to as Bayview. He will venture out to a coffee shop, or some other local place in order to be a part of the area he is being called to. On one particular day, he was drawn to a park where he sat and observed families enjoying their time at a playground. He watched as these children were playing, hearts seemingly filled with joy.

I listened to him talk about how anything is possible at the playground. To quote part of his story, “The playground is a place of wonder. Where slides turn into mountains, and sand is set on fire and turns into lava. A place you take your shovel in the summer and your sled in the winter. You go there to catch fireflies at dusk and you only leave when your eyes are shutting on their own. Mostly you go to the playground to play. To throw yourself into anything beyond what you could ever ask for or even imagine.”

The last two sentences are what struck me. “Mostly you go to the playground to play. To throw yourself into anything beyond what you could ever ask for or even imagine.” After Tim told us about his story, he had us turn to the people around us, and share our own observations. I couldn’t help but share a story about my little friend Mimi.

As has been the story of my life over the past year, I cannot tell you how much I have learned from my little friends at the Mission. And Mimi is no exception. Every Friday, we’d take all the City Camp kids on a field trip somewhere. One week it was rollerskating, another week it was the zoo. But common to most field trips was time at a park. Whether it be eating lunch there, or taking a break from animal gazing, most of our field trips included some sort of play time on a playground.

On one particular field trip, I can remember a few of the kindergartners on the swings, trying to get their little bodies swinging as high as they could. It wasn’t long before I heard, “Miss Tory, Miss Tory – push me!” There were a few voices, but as I looked over, there was Mimi, desperately trying to get moving on her swing. I wandered over to her, and began to push her. I believe I’m probably going to be a somewhat over-protective mother because I found myself not wanting to push her very high. However, she kept shouting with glee: “Push me, Miss Tory! Push me!” As soon as she was high enough, and her little legs seemed to keep her moving, I started to walk away. I wasn’t more than a few steps away when I hear, “Miss Tory, push me!” I said, “Mimi, you’ve got it now… You can do it by yourself.” But she insisted that I continue to push her.

The thought struck me: She doesn’t want me to push her just so she can keep moving. She wants me to be engaged in what she is doing – she wants me to partake in her joy of swinging. Really, I could have just stood behind her, cheering her on and she would have been perfectly satisfied. In fact, for a while, that was all I did. The point wasn’t my actual pushing, but rather my presence. She wanted me there while she enjoyed her time on the swing.

It made me wonder how often I ask God to engage with me in this way. How often do I ask God to “push” me, but then let him walk away? How often do I ask him to join me in my joyful moments, sharing with me in the beauty I’m experiencing? How often do I say “Push me!” not just to get God to do something for me, but only to know that he’s there with me, enjoying the moment?

My little friend Mimi taught me how to swing. As I was thinking about this idea tonight, I went to a park I where I spent a lot of time growing up. It was late, and the park was fairly dark. But as I moved back and forth on the swing, I thought of Mimi shouting “Push me, Miss Tory! Push me!” As I sat there, moving my feet in and out, reaching new heights, I whispered in the dark, “Push me!”

May I be a person who in moments of beauty and joy learns to engage with the Creator of everything, who cries “Push me!” even when I’m already in motion.

(For Tim's entire story, go here. It's titled "Playground.")

clarifications

2007-08-05T21:08:00.000-05:00

I believe I may need to make a few clarifications regarding my last blog post.

First, I didn't even realize that you guys still read my blog regularly. I just posted a new blog entry today, and I've already received a few concerned phone calls and emails. I suppose I ought to give you guys - especially those who have not been "in the know" the past few months - what is going on and how I'm doing.

First, let me explain the work situation. I loved where I worked. I had two of the most amazing bosses, and I made some really great friends there... people I've gotten really close with. However, back in March, things began to change in my department. The director of our department left (it's a sticky story) and then in May, one of my co-workers Brian left, only to be followed by our associate director. Within a 3 month time span, our department which had 7 people was down to 4, and we were left without a director. During the summer, we have a huge summer program for kids in K5-5th grade, and there were two of us to run it (the other two focused on the teen program). The "higher ups" hired another director for us, but he was a man who came just out of retirement, had never worked in youth ministry, and really did not have a good grasp for the happenings of our department. Therefore, my co-worker Brittany and I felt as though we were running the program alone. We were to oversee 120 kids, 19 college and high school staff - neither one of us being what I would consider "qualified" to do so. But we made do, and ended up having a great summer with the kids and staff.

However, the "higher ups" and I did not see eye to eye on a LOT of things, and I spent the better portion of the summer fighting for what I believed to be good for our ministry. Because of these disagreements, they saw me as being disrespectful to authority and it caused a lot of problems between them and me. There is a LOT more behind that story than what I am giving you, but detailing the story is unnecessary. Basically, it got to a point where in order to keep my spiritual, mental, and emtional health in tact, I had to make a decision - I had to leave. It was an incredibly hard decision - one I'm still hoping was the right one - but I have a strange peace about it, and so I believe that it was.

And I want you all to know that while I have a deep sadness about where I am right now, as well as a bit confused, I am doing ok. I'm not in some sort of deep depression nor am I on some sort of spiral path downward... I'm just in a place where I'm really trying to figure things out, and not seeing any indication as to where I should go.

I appreciate your concern... thanks for the emails/phone calls. It feels good to know I'm loved.
I'll keep you all posted as things happen, and as I begin to figure things out.
Love you all.

familiar

2007-08-05T11:43:00.000-05:00

This place seems oh-so-familiar. Maybe it's because I was here almost exactly a year ago. Maybe it's because I've been in this place more than once. But it is definitely a familiar place, and yet, I still have no idea how to navigate through it.

It's been quite a while since I've written a blog that reflected a letter moreso than an essay. When I first started blogging, I felt as thought my writing was more personal - as if I was writing letters to the world. And in these letters, I would express my dreams, my frustrations, my excitements, my disappointments, and everything in between. However, when I started writing for Relevant's website, suddenly my blog entries shifted too. I tried to make them sound more philosophical and deep, almost as if I was trying to make them more read-worthy.

But today, in this moment, I feel as though I want to embrace the type of writing I was once more familiar and comfortable with. I want to share with you this "familiar" place in hopes that maybe someone out there will want to journey with me, and maybe even help navigate this crazy life of mine.

This past year, I had the honor of working with the best kids on the planet. Those kids brought me more joy than I would have ever imagined. And Thursday, I had to say goodbye to all of them. As I stood before them with my co-worker Brittany and it was annouced that we were leaving, I was taken with emotion as I heard a loud "NO!" ring throughout the room. At the end of our program on Thursday, I was approached by all my little friends... some of them just wanting hugs goodbye, while others wanted consolation. This one little girl stood before me just sobbing. I had only met the girl 3 weeks prior, and had no idea where her strong attachment came from. But I cried along with her. And as I looked around the room at all the little friends I had made, tears came to my eyes as I knew I may never see some of them again.

Tears have also filled my eyes recently as I have tried to figure out what the next destination is in my journey. I find myself now without a job, without a place of my own, and without a church - three things that are fairly imporant to one's identity. I mean, as much as we don't want to be defined by what we do but rather who we are, there is still a lot of weight put on what it is we do for a living. And if I were asked that right now, I'd have to answer with a big fat "nothing." I have decided that I want to eventually go back to school and become certified to teach, and I have started to take action in moving towards that, but no doors have opened yet. Right now, I'm just trying to locate an open door in a huge hallway of closed ones.

But my biggest desire is to get plugged into a local church. Part of that will depend on what ends up being "local" for me. Over the past couple of years, it has become my desire to attend a church that is in my "neighborhood." When I attended Ridgewood, I lived about 20-25 minutes away, and most of the people who attended there lived further away in the opposite direction. This made "community" outside of church somewhat difficult. I think it'd be amazing to be next door neighbors with some of the people I attended church with. So part of my hesitancy to "plug in" comes from not knowing where I will be located because of a job or living situation.

As many of you know, pluggin into a church has been a constant struggle for me. I wish I could give you the reasons and explanations as to why this is so hard, and there are times where I wish that everyone would have an extended amount of patience with me. This is not like trying to find a new pair of shoes, or even like picking out a new car. Finding a church to commit to and become a part of is a HUGE thing for me, and I want to make sure that my decision is God-driven, not based off emotion. But sometimes, it is SO hard to seperate that. I can't even begin to tell you about the anxiety I've felt regarding church, or how hard it's been to feel uncomfortable every time I step into one... But know that it is a priority to me, just something I haven't quite been able to figure out yet.

As I said, this place is so familiar... I've been here numerous times before. You'd think it would get easier every time.

But it doesn't.

I still don't know how to navigate through it all. I'm still lost.
And I have no idea where the directions are.

mother may i

2007-07-01T21:24:00.000-05:00

When I was a little kid, I used to love playing games with the neighborhood kids. Red Rover, Capture the Flag, Statue, Kick the Can, Ghost in the Graveyard… for each of these games, we’d gather together in the street and play as long as our parents allowed us. But as much as I loved each of these games, there was one game in particular I hated: Mother May I.

While games like Red Rover or Statue often showed signs of favoritism, nothing showed favoritism and unfair play like Mother May I. While in some games kids got picked more often than others, Mother May I worked a little differently. Winning the game depended on one thing – the good graces of the person playing “Mother.”

For those of you unfamiliar with the game of Mother May I, here are the basics so that you can get an idea of what this game is like. There is one person nominated to play “Mother” who stands at one end of the “field.” Typically, our field was a driveway, and the person playing “Mother” would stand at the top of the driveway. The rest of the players then stand across the playing field from Mother. One by one, each player asks the “Mother” if they may go a certain distance in a particular fashion. For instance, if it were my turn, I might say, “Mother may I please take 3 leap frog jumps towards you” or “Mother may I please take 10 baby steps towards you.” It is at this point the “Mother” determines whether or not she will grant you your request. This can be tricky because if you ask for too big of a distance, you may not get it and may even be required to go backwards. But, if you continually ask for small distances, you’ll never make it across. And if you’re not in good standing with “Mother” (aka – you’re not the coolest kid in the bunch) you’re pretty much screwed.

I hated this game because during my childhood, I was always younger than the rest of my friends. Therefore, they would often take advantage of the fact that I was young and more naïve, and I never really got much of a chance to “succeed” in such games. And in games such as Mother May I, my winning the game rested on whether or not my friends wanted to see me win – something that was a rare occurence. I had great friends. Really.

For whatever reason, I thought about the game Mother May I the other day. Be it that it’s summer or that I work with kids and am constantly around children’s games, I couldn’t help but reminisce about the games I played as a kid. However, it wasn’t until I got to my memories of Mother May I that I cringed.

I began to think about the concept of Mother May I, and for whatever reason, a connection began to form in my head. Sometimes I feel as though I treat life like a game of Mother May I, with God functioning as “Mother.” Track with me if you will…

How often in life do I stand on one edge of the field with God on the other and ask “God, may I…” and fill in the blank. “God, may I please have this job?” “God, may I please have this new car?” “God, may I please have this dating relationship?” “God, may I please have no more pain in my life?” I think sometimes, in life, I act the same way I used to act during those games of Mother May I. I am afraid to ask for something seemingly too big, but don’t want to get left behind by asking for things too small. I ask for 3 leap frog jumps because I’m too afraid to ask for 10. I take 5 baby steps when the person next to me seems to get 50. And I think too often, I feel like I did during those childhood games of Mother May I – that my happiness, my success in life, depends on whether or not I’m in God’s good graces and whether or not he “feels” like giving me my requests.

I am TOTALLY frustrated by this realization. I’ve put God into a game of “Mother May I.”

It’s so easy for me to look around, seeing where other people are going and what other people are doing, and ask God, “Why did you only grant me so many steps?” There are so many things I want to see, so many things I want to do, and so many things I want to be, and I feel as though God is granting those things to everyone but but me - that somehow, I'm not in his "favor" to win. So often, I resent God for putting me through the game so slowly, and often times complain about other’s “victories.”

However, I came realize that God is giving me the right amount of steps for each day. Trust me, this is a daily realization and it's usually fought tooth and nail. So often, I want my "steps" to be more than they are. So often, I find myself wishing I was somewhere else in life. But I've come to understand that God has a different "pace" for everyone. I have no problem understanding we are all designed differently, so why wouldn't that include how we move through life? There will always be people in front of me, and always people behind me… Maybe I'm exactly where I need to be.

Now, if only I could learn to stop asking about how to move and start enjoying the movement… even if it’s only baby steps at a time.

(photo taken from www.stamfordjcc.org)

conclusions

2007-06-23T22:54:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, I made a decision that I wanted to blog at least once a week. I had a shakey start to that goal, and even now am not keeping to it very well.

Part of me wonders why it's so hard for me to write on a regular basis. I was thinking about when I used to write a story a week for Relevant, and I used to blog on a daily basis. I wondered what is different now...why I can't seem to do it anymore.

I came to a few consclusions. One: I don't spend enough time observing. When I was a student, I had quite a bit of time that I spent in the Union or the library where I would just sit and observe people and hear bits of conversations. I learned a lot about people, and ultimately, about myself just by observing the things that went on around me. Another thing about being a student was that I was always meeting new people, learning new things, and being challenged in new ways. I don't feel as though I have that influence as much anymore.

Another conclusion I came to: I don't have a lot of really deep conversations with people anymore. When I was involved at my old church, I had a few friends who were really deep thinkers and always posed interesting questions. I always had something I was thinking about. That created for some interesting thoughts and blog entries.

Third conclusion: My old places of employment didn't leave much room for processing. Where I currently work, I am able to verbally process a lot more and talk through a lot more issues/thoughts that are plaguing my brain, which elimnates my need to write about them on here. When I wasn't able to process stuff as much, I used my blog as an outlet for processing.

And lastly... I have been too emotional lately. Normally, that would provide some material to write about, but recently, I feel as though I have had too much to process. I sit down to write, and I have NO idea where to start. Everything seems so jumbled and confusing. So, instead, I just avoid writing about it, which has proven to not be entirely healthy.

So now what? Well, I think I need to take more time for observation, I need to find some people to surround myself with who are asking tough and intelligent questions, I need to stop processing things so much with the people I work with, and I need to learn to work through some of my emotions a bit more. Hopefully, as I begin to do some of these more and more, my desire to write will get stronger and I'll become more dedicated to it.

Here's hoping...

a letter

2007-06-18T22:31:00.000-05:00

Dear Friend,

I am writing to you because I have not been myself lately. My words, my actions, my thoughts, my speech... all of these things have not reflected the person I want to be. I have reflected a spirit of hate, of hostility, of frustration, of hurt, and of vengeance. These are not things I wish to possess. But alas, it is the place I find myself in. I have allowed my tongue to control me, I have allowed my emotions to get the best of me... And you, my dear friend, have taken the hit. You have been the one that has been deeply wounded by my actions. You are the one who hears the angry roars and the evil whispers that escape from my mouth. You have been the one to give, and give, and give... when all I do is take, and take, and take - never giving back. You have put forth 110% effort to build our relationship, to encourage me, and strengthen me. You have given me a vision and passion... which I have bypassed for temporary gratification found through petty and selfish behavior. You are the one I have been inconsistent with, despite your undeniable loyalty. You are the one who I talk big about, but show little to nothing in action. You are the one who walks by my side day in and day out, whether I recognize it or not. And your continued patience... it astounds me, really. I would have given up on me years ago... But you didn't. You stuck it out. You waited and are waiting to see what I can become. You're waiting to see what decisions I make. You're waiting to see if maybe - just maybe - someday I'll turn the tables and respect you in the way you deserve. You're waiting for me to recognize just who exactly it is you created me to be, and what you created me for. You were there in the beginning, and you'll be there in the end... No one else can say that but you.

Dear friend, I write this to you tonight to let you know that I want the tables to turn. I want to put forth the effort. I want to change. I want to grow. I want to become more... well, more like you. But I need your patience, your grace, your strength, and every ounce of wisdom you can pour into me. I need you to continue being who you are, and I need you to change me. Thank you for who you are... Your friendship is worth more than my small words can ever give measure to. I love you, dear friend. Thanks... for everything.

Sincerely,

Tory Jane

fear

2007-06-10T19:22:00.000-05:00

Clowns. Heights. Thunderstorms. Spiders. Scary Movies. Failure. Being alone. Dying. We all have our fears. For some, it strikes deep within us, paralyzing us, keeping us from being able to move and function in a normal, healthy way. Some people have what seem like irrational fears. I have one of those - I am terrified of clowns. Pretty much anything that has a scary painted face freaks me out. But while some fears seem irrational, there are other fears that are a bit more serious and debilitating. Fears such as failure, being alone, and dying… all of which seem to plague my soul.

Over the past few months, I’ve really come to grips with these fears. I’ve thought a lot about them. It’s crazy to me how many fears I have, and I often wonder if it’s an abnormal amount. And I also wonder what has caused these fears. There have been many times I’ve looked back at my childhood, and wondered if there were things that happened that have caused me to feel the way I do now as an adult. In any case, here’s my random trail of thoughts on some of my fears…

The fear of never accomplishing anything worth noting. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to accomplish something big. When I was little, I was constantly making TV shows and movies, newspapers, fashion magazines… all of these big “entertainment industry” type dreams rolled up into little girl art projects. As I got older, my dreams shifted a bit. I wanted to become a writer – write a famous novel or screenplay. To this day, I have a dream to write AND illustrate a children’s book. It seems as though I want to do a lot of “big things.” And yet, there is this fear inside of me, that I will reach the end of my life, look back, and see nothing but small things. But I wonder if my fear isn’t really a fear at all… if it’s really an inability to see value in the small things. I wonder if my fear is actually ignorance… Maybe I’m just can’t the small things as significant, when those are the things that should matter most.

Fear number two: The fear of being alone. I’m not really your typical girl when it comes to the subject of weddings. I know that most girls have these amazing dreams about what they want their wedding to be like. They know how many people they will have stand up in their wedding, they know what color dresses they want, they know what kind of flowers they want to have, what song they want to dance to, and all that jazz… I can remember my friends when I was little telling me their “grand plans” for their wedding. And I would play along, giving them my thoughts and ideas. But truth be told, it never really mattered to me. I’ve never really cared about what the actual wedding would be like – what colors I’d pick, where it would be, what kind of cake we’d have, and whether or not we’d have a dance. There are two reasons why I think this is the case. First, I think that for the most part, when we get older, we recognize that marriage is more than just a wedding… it is about a commitment and a lifetime of work. It is about a love that goes far beyond a one-day celebration. I’m also a pretty simple girl, so elaborate and expensive weddings don’t really gel with my soul. But I have a second reason why I think I’ve always sort of felt the way I have. Most little girls never question whether or not they’ll actually get married – they just seem to know that they will. This has never been the case for me. I’ve always wondered if it’ll happen for me. I don’t know why – I’ve just never been convinced. Maybe it’s because, ever since I was little, I’ve heard the phrase “God sometimes calls people to be single.” I remember the first time I hear that, I ran straight to God and pleaded with him, “PLEASE DON’T LET THAT BE ME!” But here’s the interesting thing… I’ve come to realize that getting married doesn’t make the “alone” feeling going away. Getting married doesn’t always quench that fear… and often times, it can heighten it. I’ve realized that as much as I want to get married, I need to seek community amongst people – plural. I cannot place all of the weight on one person. I need to surround myself with people who encourage me, challenge me, and spur me on to be a better person. People who will listen to me, and who will tell me when I’m being lame. Do I still want to get married? Heck yes! Do I still have a fear that I won’t? Unfortunately, yes. Do I still have a fear that I won’t find community? Yes. Do I still think it’s important to pursue community? Most definitely. I think both are possible, especially the latter. Our world is composed of many hurting people seeking community… I just need to meet up with them, and hopefully both of our fears of “being alone” will be abolished.

Third fear (thanks for hanging with me this far): The fear of dying… I’ve learned that my fear of dying again comes back to my fear of failing – failing to live a life that is worthy of living… a fear that maybe I’m not living my life to fullest, soaking in every ounce of joy that surrounds me. This past week, a good friend of mine was spared from an untimely death. When he could have died, God spared his life, and he continues to move, breathe, and live. This man is one of the greatest men I know, and he is a life-liver. He soaks everything he can out of each day, and even though I only see him on occasion, he is still one of my favorite people in the world. He inspires me to look for reasons to rejoice, and to live my life to the fullest…

As I think about each of my fears, I’ve come to realize that maybe they’re not really fears. Maybe they are just skewed perceptions. I mean, being afraid of accomplishing big things is really just blurred vision – I’m unable to recognize the value in small things. The fear of being alone may just be hope in the wrong thing – hope that a marriage will abolish my “aloneness” instead of recognizing the multitude of people around me who, if asked, would be willing to pour into my life. And my fear of dying might just be the realization that I don’t always live each day as if it is my last.

I wonder how many “fears” I’d actually have if I simply learned to change my perspective, and change my way of living. If I chose to rejoice in the small things, seek out the community around me, and as Thoreau said “live deep and suck out all the marrow of life!” I wonder if I might be able to squelch these so-called “fears” of mine.

God, help me to be creative, to shift my thinking and my perspectives. Help me to realize that all things start small. Help me to seek out and pour into those around me. And help me to live deeply until my dying breath.

(Photo taken by oh no, nilla at Flickr.com)

words

2007-05-24T09:45:00.000-05:00

Words.

We use them every day. We use them in conversations and in emails. We see them everyday on billboards, in memos, and in the fine print of a document. There are words that are simple and common. There are words that are more obscure and are rarely used. But no matter what words are used, there’s no denying that words abound.

I’m reminded of a David Crowder song that goes, “I need words, as wide as sky. I need a language large as this longing in side. And I need a voice, bigger than mine. I need a song to sing you, that I’ve yet to find. I need words…” Every day we use words to convey what we are feeling, thinking, and wondering about. And yet often times, we find ourselves lacking the right words and using words that might not be the most beneficial or accurate. We desire to express ourselves correctly, but so often find our own voices inadequate.

The interesting thing to me in all of this what kind of weight words can carry. The more I journey through life and the more I discover about myself, the more I realized how much weight words carry with me. At times, I think of it as a positive thing. I love literature, I love to write, and I love to express words of encouragement to others. And of course, I always enjoy a good game of Scrabble! However, I’m realizing that my attachment to words also goes the other way; that words – or lack thereof - can be unbearably painful.

Over the past year or so, I’ve learned a few things about how hurtful words. First, I’ve realized just how easily I allow words to bruise and even scar my soul. One of my strongest love languages – one of the greatest ways I feel loved – is through words of affirmation. Therefore, it would only make sense that it could go pretty strongly in the opposite direction. While words of encouragement make me feel incredibly loved and lifted up, harsh words of disapproval, anger, or mistrust can strike just as deep. People often tell me, “Tory, you’ve got to let these words just roll off your back.” The interesting thing is, a lot of people will tell you they believe strongly in the idea of love languages – that there are certain ways we feel more loved. Couldn’t there exist the opposite though – a certain way we feel unloved? Isn’t that just as valid?

The second thing that I’ve learned is that my words are just as hurtful. So often, it’s easy for me to get stuck in a rut where all I can see are my own bruises and scars, and not the ones I have inflicted on other people. Being a lover of words has it’s curse too – you always have just the perfect negative word that will cause the most amount of damage right on the tip of your tongue. I am no stranger to this behavior. There have been times in the course of my 27-year journey where I very easily could have chosen to keep my mouth closed or used words with a little more grace. Unfortunately, my tongue doesn’t always match up with my brain, and I have inflicted my fair share of wounds. Maybe that’s what causes my own wounds to hurt a little more… knowing that at some point in time, I have been the cause of someone else’s pain.

The third thing I’m learning is probably the one that’s been most difficult for me to swallow, and that is how too many words or the lack of words can affect a person. I was talking with a friend the other night, and we were talking about belief. I told her that you cannot force yourself to believe something, but that if you hear it enough and it is constantly reinforced, the likelihood of believing it becomes much greater. For instance, take belief in God. If I don’t believe in God – if it just doesn’t make sense to me, and I can’t make that leap of faith to believe he actually exists, my forcing myself to believe that isn’t really going to get me anywhere. However, if those around me continue to express their belief in God, keep sharing stories with me about how he is working in their lives, and continually tell me about his amazing character, sooner or later, I’ll begin to question my belief more and more. I’m not saying it is a deal maker – I’m not saying that just because I am consistently being fed with words about God that I will 100% for sure come to believe in him. But I do believe that words have the ability to sway us one way or the other. Therefore, I’m realizing what the lack of words can do as well. When I don’t consistently encourage those around me, when I don’t tell people how much I love them, when I don’t make my concerns known, when I don’t speak out against injustice, when I am silent and I should be screaming… this can be just as hurtful as if I had said a thousand terrible words to them.

What I’m finding is just how much weight words can carry. They are not to be taken lightly and should not be used without serious consideration. I find it interesting how often the Bible talks about the use of our tongue. It’s CRAZY. Check out Proverbs, it’s all over the place. And James… whew! Some serious stuff in there. And our tongues are directly connected to words. I am ashamed by my tongue as of late, and am seriously challenged to take a look at how I use it.

It’s such a delicate thing – using words properly. I definitely have not mastered the art of when to speak and when to stay silent. Growth and wisdom are definitely needed. And I can only hope to eventually heal more wounds than I inflict.

(picture found on website for Massachusetts Institute for Technology)

signal fire

2007-05-07T00:23:00.000-05:00

Not too long ago, I posted a video by Matisyahu. Today, I have a video I'd like to share with those of you that haven't seen it. It's "Signal Fire" by Snow Patrol - a song that is featured in the new Spiderman movie.

Can I just tell you how much I love this video? Maybe it's because I love kids, and think that anything involving kids pretty much rocks. Maybe it's because I like plays, and think it was a clever way to display the song.

Or maybe it's because I sympathize with the little kid who plays the spider... feeling like you're watching from the sidelines, not getting to be a part of things... and yet wanting it so badly. I often feel that way.

Anyway, here is the video for your enjoyment. Let me know what you think.

sunshine

2007-03-25T21:41:00.000-05:00

It has been a long time since I've written an entry on here. I'm not totally sure why that is. There is part of me that has gained a great fear in sharing my life journey openly and honestly with anyone who stumbles upon it. There is another part of me that feels like the happenings of my life are not worth detailing. And there is another part of me that just doesn't know how to eloquently display it.

However, I had a thought tonight and decided it might be worth sharing. While I watched as the earth swallowed the sun, I was slightly saddened that the beautiful sun which had provided me with great warmth and joy, was going away. A great shadow set over my heart as the life-giving sunshine made it's bed for the night, and drifted slowly behind its covers. However, as I sat and watched the last flames of the sunset fade into night, I realized something - this phenomenon happens every day. The sun rises and the sun sets every single day, whether I witness it or not. Everyday, we are given light, even it if it is overshadowed by storm clouds. Everyday, we are given warmth, even if the harsh winter only allows the warmth to reach 10 degrees. Everyday, without fail, the earth revolves, allowing the sun to once again visit our portion of the sphere.

Sometimes it is SO easy for me to forget that... That every day, it starts over again. Every morning, the sunshine returns. That no matter what I do - whether I sleep until noon and miss the sunrise, the thunderclouds roll in, or a blizzard is hiding its existence, the sun is there...

There have been a lot of changes in my life over the past six months. Some of these changes are amazing, and I'm eternally grateful to be blessed by those changes. Other changes have beaten me up, kicked me around, and broken my heart.

Some of my days have been sunny - so much so, I've been required to close my eyes and just basque in the warmth and light. Other days have been so dark that I forget the sunshine even exists...and other days, I want nothing to do with it.

But tonight, while I was sad that the earth had swallowed the sun, I was reminded that the morning would again spew forth it's light... I was reminded that while I sleep, someone else will be able to revel all the beauty and glory I experienced today through the sun's wonderful existence, and that in a matter of hours, this life-giving force would return to my side.

Help me to recognize the sunshine... even when I can't see it.

jerusalem

2007-03-08T10:31:00.000-06:00

I love Matisyahu... for many reasons. I just totally dig his music. And while I like the original version of his song "Jerusalem" better than the remix, I love this video... so I thought I'd share it with you all.

Take a gander...

emotion

2007-02-25T19:29:00.000-06:00

Do you ever wonder just how emotional God is?

Being a female, I am no stranger to strong emotions. And I believe that I may even be a bit more on the over-emotional side. I used to think of it as a curse. There are still some days that I think of it in this way. I know that there are nights where I cry myself to sleep, and wonder why in the world we as humans were given such strong emotions. I've even had some pretty crazy arguments with God over the topic, wondering why he allows us to feel such pain.

However, as I begin to really search deep into this idea of emotions, I can't help but wonder how emotion-filled God is. I mean, after all, we were created in his image, right? I remember the first time someone told me that they are excited to some day hear God laugh. God laughs, I thought? That seemed like a strange idea to me. But as I began to unpack that idea, and I looked around at all the farcical things that exist in life, I came to realize that I do believe God has a sense of humor. I've even been known to thank him for that attribute in the middle of corporate prayer.

But that opens up a pandora's box of thoughts for me... what other emotions might God feel, and how strongly does he feel them? I think that so often, it's easy for me to put God in this small box, where he's good for a few things. He's good at telling me what to do in life, good at making my sins known, good at letting me know He's in control, and good at blessing me with the things in life that I need, and sometimes (not all the time) with the things that I want.

However, I forget that God is a God filled with emotion. All throughout the scriptures, you see a God that passionately pursues his people. You see an God who is sorrow-stricken over the state of his people. You see a God who wants the best for his people, who wants to release them from whatever is weighing them down... You see a God who guides people. You see a God who has mercy on people. You see a God who doesn't put up with any crap... a very firm God. Loyalty. Faithful. Sad. Joyous. Giving. Loving. You see a God who is so sacrificial that He gives away His most prized possession...

And yet, so often, I think God is this emotionless, distant, thing (yes, I often think of Him as a thing... Sometimes it's hard for me to wrap my head around what he really is). And yet, if I really take the time to consider who God is, it's amazing how much he really has created us in His own image.

joy, part whatever

2007-02-22T10:03:00.000-06:00

I've done this numerous times before, but I think it's a healthy ritual. Over the past couple of weeks, I've really been struggling with a lot of different things. Some of them are legitimate, and are allowed genuine emotion. And some of these things I've just taken too seriously, and have gotten way too bent out of shape over.

Sometimes it's so easy for me, in the midst of my emotions, struggles, fears, frustrations, etc. to forget about all the things in life I have to be joyful about. There are so many things around me that I'm blessed to have, and I so easily take them for granted.

So, in order to help me sort of put things in perspective, and in looking towards changing my demeanor and attitude as of late, I've listed 25 things that I take joy in. These are not the obvious things I have to be joyful about (having shelter, food to eat, clothing to wear, air to breath), but rather the small, unique things that happen... the stuff that's easy to miss at times.

Here we go... yet another "joys" list...

1. "Polkabats and Octopus Slacks" - one of my favorite children's books
2. hugs from Tina... and just hugs in general!
3. naps
4. getting to see the greatest little kids in the world every single day
5. sidewalk chalk - I can't wait until it gets warmer!
6. holga cameras
7. mid-afternoon Scrabble games at a coffee shop
8. coffee (it gets it's own slot)
9. friends who tell me their baking a pie at 9 in the morning
10. hearing stories about the Lazarus house
11. watching my brother's unusual creative endeavors (usually involving Drew)
12. reminscing about childhood
13. swings
14. watching Elijah and Meira Kalbas grow up
15. finding tulips on your desk when you get to work
16. fun, pop-punk music
17. meeting random, but warm and accepting strangers
18. banana pancakes
19. catching up with old friends over Jimmy Johns
20. brainstorms
21. photo projects (365, 5 min, cream city walks)
22. turtles... cause really, they're just too cute. I miss Tripod.
23. driving in the car, windows down, listening to good tunes
24. going for walks at night... Seriously, one of my favorite things in the world.
25. deep conversations with good friends about life

significance

2007-02-19T18:53:00.000-06:00

I've been struggling lately with the idea of significance. It's an interesting concept to me, this idea of "being important." And I'm not just talking about "Am I important?" but rather, wondering what makes something important and significant.

Follow me if you will, down this little rabbit trail of thought...

The world is painted with hierarchies... Every where you look, there is some natural order of importance. In the workplace, there are employees, who have supervisors or bosses, who also have supervisors or bosses, until we get all the way up to the president - the top dog of the company. He's the decision maker, the idea man, and everyone looks to him for the answers. At church, there are your average church goers, and then there are deacons/elders and then there is the pastor. School's are even structured with this sort of top-dog mentality. Take a look at any high school and you'll see the seniors dominating, and the freshmen getting stuffed into lockers. Everywhere you look, there's some sort of order of importance.

I've seen this spill over into my own thoughts about life, and in trying to figure out what is important, and what should be dismissed as insignificant. For example... Let's say I get into a car accident (please know, this is COMPLETELY hypothetical). I'm fine, but my car is pretty messed up. This rocks my world a bit as it puts a huge financial strain on my life. It seems significant to me because in the realm of my own experiences, it is a hardship. However, if I were to compare it with the hardships of someone let's say living in Darfur, or who was a victim of the tsunami we had a few years ago, or someone who is homeless, or parentless... My situation seems insignificant and unimportant. It is just a car - just a possession that can be replaced. Should I really be that concerned about it? Should it cause me as much stress and anxiety as it does? Am I being ridiculous for feeling the way I do?

I struggle with this idea of significance because of the hierarchies that exist all over the world... Someone, somewhere, in some time will always have a situation that is worse off than mine - I am pretty sure I will never be at the bottom of the totem pole. However, where does that leave me? How much am I allowed to validate my feelings towards a situaion? Where does one draw the line between valuable and insignificant?

I think there is a lot of guilt that comes with emotions. I also think that religious people have added a great deal to this mentality. I can remember growing up, always feeling pressured to have a smile on my face, and be ready to answer with "I'm great." Just recently, a co-worker of mine answered my "How are you doing?" question with that very answer. I looked at him and said, "Don't lie. It's ok to say you're not ok. You don't have to tell me what you think I want to hear." Another interaction I had was with a 5 year old little girl who was sad that her cousin got a birthday present and she didn't. We needed to encourage her to not throw a fit, but I refused to tell her she couldn't be sad. In fact, I assured her that it was ok to be sad, but that her actions needed to look a little different.

I think so often, we're asked to push past our emotions, and begin the healing process without really ever sorting them out. I'm not sure we even know HOW to sort them out. I know so many people who go to counseling because they've never really been tought how to sort out their emotions. I've never really been taught how to sort out my emotions. And I also think there is a lot of pressure to devalidate our struggles and trials simply because they do not match the dire situations a portion of the world finds themselves in.

I've come to this point in my life where there are a LOT of things going on in my head and my heart, and I'm not quite sure what to do with them. I'm trying to sort out the significant from the insignifcant, and trying to figure out what's valid and what isn't.

Even this blog post...significant, or just some ridiculous ramblings?

kickball

2007-02-16T22:42:00.000-06:00

Imagine this: You're outside at recess. There's green grass that's just begging to be played on. Today, it's kickball. The captains are picked, and the rest of the children line up, awaiting their fate. The first two names are picked - they're the fastest runners. The next two names are picked - they've got strong arms for throwing. The next child is picked, then the next, then the next... You're standing there waiting...waiting for that moment when your name is called.

It looks as though your fate will soon be decided. However, you realize, as you look around you, that every other kid has been picked, and you're standing there teamless and alone. You're not the fastest runner, and your throwing skills are sub par. You look longingly at both captains, praying one of them will excitedly say your name and happily welcome you to the team. Instead, you are met with confused faces and an argument about who has to take the last kid standing. You realize that the last kid standing they're talking about is you. Neither team wants you. You're not what they're looking for. You don't meet their standards. Finally, one of the captains reluctantly picks you, just so that the game can begin. But you know, if they had had the option... they would have sent you home.

I hate the game of kickball.

(Image found at http://thinklab.typepad.com/think_lab/images/kickball.jpg)

love

2007-02-14T01:02:00.000-06:00

It's interesting how you can find love in unexpected places...

As we head into a day known for celebrating "love" I thought I'd share how I felt "loved" today. They are simple stories - nothing profound - but they are moments that made my heart leap with joy.

I help oversee a tutoring program where I work, working mostly with K5-5th grade. I love them all dearly, and they are some of the greatest kids in the world! Well, today, as I was getting out of my car and heading into work, I saw a group of these children who come to the Mission for a weekly bible study. One of the 5th graders - Q - cheerfully greeted me and came over to give me a hug. Now, you must realize, Q and I have a good relationship - we get along pretty well. But Q is somewhat of a tough kid, someone I never really imagined to be a hugger. Therefore, that hug meant more to me than most hugs. I felt so honored that he had given me one.

Story #2 that melts my heart... L is a 1st grader, and was not able to attend tutoring last semester. However, her mother figured out a way for her to attend this semester after L had been asking non-stop when she could return to tutoring. So, today was L's first day back. She approached me and said, "Miss Tory, I got to come back!" She had such excitement in her voice! I squatted down so that I was level with her and said, "We're so excited to have you back!'' She threw her arms around my neck and gave me a big hug. She said, "I'm so glad you're here!" and I whispered back to her, "I'm so glad YOU'RE here, L!" As we finished with our hug, she ended our interaction with, "I'm so glad we're ALL here!" Seriously... my heart was in one big puddle on the floor.

Story #3 - D was upset about something... I could see it in the way she carried herself, and that she didn't have her normal smiley demeanor. I asked her what was wrong, and she just covered up her face. I bent down so that I could better make eye contact with her, but she refused to let me see her face. Upon asking her a second time what was wrong, she just fell forward, and buried her head into my shoulder. I gave her a hug, and even though I knew she wouldn't tell me what was wrong, I tried to assure her things would be ok. I tried to spark a little interest by telling her we had a Valentine's craft to do... She seemed to perk up a little, but then just kinda fell back into me. I gave her one last hug, and told her we needed to head to her class. She seemed to be doing better, and was willing to join the rest of her class. While this wasn't the most endearing moment, I felt so priveleged to be the one she sort of let her guard down with. Even though she didn't tell me what was wrong, working through it together seemed to help.

The kids were overly affectionate today, and I was greeted with such great excitement by many of them. It made my heart so happy to see them today.

It's so cool to me that even though I don't have someone significant in my life to share this holiday with, even though I've been single for almost my entire life, and sometimes I want so badly to meet someone, fall in love, and get married... That God provides me with other ways of feeling loved and fulfilled. The kids I get to see every week - many that come from hurt and broken families - have so much love to give, it's unreal. Sometimes I'm amazed by them.

And today, they captured my heart!

shoot

2007-02-06T08:40:00.000-06:00

I love to shoot pictures. I've always been into looking at photographs, and have even tried my hand at taking them. My love for photography started in high school when I first came across Scott Mutter's photography. I loved how he spliced photos together. I took a class in college, trying to awaken the photographer within me, but mostly, I ended up taking more goofy pictures than anything. These days, I seem to be into it quite a bit more. Unfortunately, I don't have the greatest equipment, or the most patience in the world. However, every now and then, you just gotta push past all the negatives in hopes of gaining something positive. Such was the case on Sunday.

My friend Simon and I have been doing this self-portrait project now for roughly 30 days. We're only 1/12 of the way into it. However, there have been a couple times where Simon has challenged me to other photo endeavors. We did one a couple of weeks ago where we had 5 minutes with our camera to shoot as many photos we could of whatever we wanted. We then had 1 hour to process them (using whatever Photoshop tools we desired) and then had to post them to our Flickr site. It was an interesting project... I didn't realize how hard it would be to shoot really good shots in only 5 minutes. But it was a lot of fun, and I feel I learned a bit.

Sunday was another day for a photo project. Originally, our other partner in crime - Johanna - was supposed to join us, but ended up not being able to. We were supposed to do a photo walk outside in downtown Milwaukee, but seeing as how it was below zero, we decided to stay indoors. Because we couldn't really think of a good location to shoot indoors, we decided to take pictures where we work.

At first, I found it a little challenging to think creatively about the place I see every single day, 40 hours a week. Looking at all the offices, the classrooms, the floors I have to sweep and mop, the hallways I have to vacuum... it's hard to imagine how these places can be artistic.

But, after a while, I started to get into it a little bit more. It turned out to be a fairly fun photo shoot, and I got a couple pictures I liked.

Here are some of the photos I got:

21 down

2007-01-29T07:52:00.000-06:00

Well friends, I thought I'd give you an update on the 365 day photo project. We just finished with week 3 - 21 photos down. It's been interesting. There are days where I feel really creative and really proud of the idea/photo I came up with. There are other days where I question if I even have the gift of creativity. There are days where I LOVE how my photo turns out, and there are days where I despise how I look in every single shot. There are days when I am so unbearably tired that the thought of having to take my picture makes me want to cry. There are days when I take so many pictures and have so many ideas, but can only post one shot of for the day.

The thing that I'm finding to be the best part about the whole thing is the relationships I'm building with my other partners in crime - Simon and Johanna. It's been a lot of fun to talk about the project with them. I love having people who challenge me creatively.

And here's probably what I'm most excited about - we're going to be making a book out of it. Like, a real book, not just a scrapbook. Simon's dad has the ability to print good quality books, and we think he'll print us a book. I'm pretty stoked. I'm also going to put together a DVD with all 365 of my pictures together as sort of my "living portfolio" for a year-long art project.

So that's where we're at... We're now entering week four. There haven't been TOO many nights where I've struggled to come up with ideas, but I'm sure as time goes on, it'll get harder and harder.

You can check out our project here:
www.flickr.com/groups/365alive

Or if you just want to see my photos, you can go here:
www.flickr.com/photos/rainofwonder

wait

2007-01-28T22:06:00.000-06:00

Dear God,

I've got a bone to pick with you. Ok, maybe not a bone to pick, but I definitely have a question for you. What's the scoop behind this idea of "waiting"? I realize that supposedly, waiting brings growth. That in moments of "wait" we learn a lot about ourselves and about you. It is often times in those moments that we have the ability to gain perspective. However, it is also in those moments that we can become disheartened, weakened, hopeless and faithless. Often times, if the period of "wait" lasts too long, we lose steam. I think about David in the Psalms where it says, "I waited patiently for the Lord, he inclined and heard my cry..." David waited patiently, and you responded. But what about those times where we wait, and wait, and wait... to a point where we think you may not respond? What does a person do when it seems like all they ever do is "wait"? What do I do if I can't wait any longer?

I've had numerous conversations with friends lately about how hard it is to wait - whether it be waiting on a job opportunity, to move into a house, to get married, to find a church, or fill the blank with a plethora of statements. Waiting seems to happen all over the place. We wait to see the doctor. We wait to get healthy. We wait for our tax return to come. We wait to see how a relationship pans out. We wait to feel filled up, renewed, and restored.

But what does a person do when the waiting seems endless - when there doesn't seem to be an end point anywhere on the horizon? What happens when one's life seems to revolve around waiting? How long can one be expected to wait before caving in?

As I said, I don't really have a bone to pick with you. I realize why this concept exists. I understand it's purpose, it's influence, it's challenging nature in order to create something beautiful and good. It builds character. It teaches patience. It helps us to demonstrate faith.

But what if I struggle to wait, and really, am not ok with waiting? Does that mean that I then have lost my faith? Am I no longer considered patient? Am I refusing to have my character strengthened?

Are you frustrated with me when I can't wait? Do you understand why I don't want to wait? Do you know that I while I DO trust you with my life, I don't always understand why you keep certain bits of knowledge from me?

Please know that I love you, and that these are just some of the thoughts that are on my heart. I wish I was ok with waiting. I wish I could be ok not knowing what's going to happen with certain situations in my life.

But, I hate waiting.

I just thought I'd let you know.

(image from www.explodingdog.com)

p&b

2007-01-21T23:47:00.000-06:00

As I sat down with my soy chai and power bar, I stared at the blank page in my journal and wondered what I'd write about. It had been such a long time since I had written anything of substance. My journal had been blasted recently with many ramblings and incomplete thoughts. But I wanted to write about something - something specific. As I sat there trying to consider what to write about, a conversation came to mind.

A few days ago, I was talking with a co-worker of mine. Oddly, we were talking about childbirth. The conversation started over an article I read online about kids in Milwaukee who "age out of the system" - kids who are wards of the state until they turn 18, and then are pretty much on their own. I was saddened to learn that nearly 150 kids age out of the system every year in Milwaukee. That means there are a least 150 kids who every year, turn 18 without knowing a home... Kids who's "parents" are paid by the state to look after them, and basically just keep them out of trouble. I was explaining to my co-worker how much I would love to reach out to those kids. For a long time, I've wanted to adopt - especially older kids... the kids who rarely get picked simply because of their age. Those are the kids I want.

However, this then launched us into a conversation about having kids of our own, and whether or not we wanted them. She informed me that she has no intentions of having children of her own. I asked her why... Sickness. Pain. Weight gain. Feeling undesirable. Fatigue. Stress. Not to mention the horrible pain that comes with the birthing process. She said she wanted NOTHING to do with it. I said to her, "But don't you think it'd be totally worth it once you have that child in your arms?" She disagreed... she said, "That's when the crying starts."

As this conversation came back to me, I knew what I wanted to write about - pain and beauty. I've had numerous thoughts on this idea, and that conversation only took it a step further. I am convinced more than ever that the two come hand in hand. With pain comes beauty, and to reach beauty, you must deal with pain. Granted, this is not true all the time, but it seems to be true a lot of the time. Here are some examples.

Childbirth, as I've already mentioned, is a very obvious one. But what about NOT so obvious things. Take a sunset for instance. A sunset is VERY beautiful, but it also provides warmth. Once the sun sets, while beautiful in the process, can create some bitter cold nights, which in turn has the ability to cause pain. Or how about letting go of a child. It's painful to let go, but it's beautiful to watch them gain their independence and go out on their own.

Being in a relationship is another good example - more specifically, marriage. I have a lot of married friends, and from what I hear, marriage is tough. It's full of lots of honesty too, which can often times bring pain. While the unity of one life with another is an absolutely beautiful thing, it takes a lot of work, and even a bit of pain to grow deeply together.

But what's really intersting is the thought that hit me today. I had a good friend ask a tough question of me: "Tory, when are you going to go back to church?" He didn't mean attend church, he meant "When are you going to be a fully committed member of a church community again?" It was a good question, but my first thought was "There's too much pain attached with the church." It was then that my "pain and beauty" musings slapped me across the face. Yes, church is filled with pain - as are a lot of things in life. But it is also filled with beauty... a beauty I'm not always able to see.

I started to think about why the two go hand in hand - why it is that often times beauty and pain come as a package deal. My immediate thought was, "It was because of the fall. We can't enjoy anything beautiful without having some pain to go with it." However, my thoughts soon shifted to another idea. We deserve pain. We chose to screw things up. We decided to sin. We chose pain. However, God chose to still provide us with beauty. Maybe it's his way of showing grace - you know, softening the blow. Instead of saying "You'll have to suffer to see beauty" maybe he's saying "Because you're suffering, here is some beauty."

I was definitely challenged by this idea with regards to the church. Will I ever be able to see the beauty through the pain? Will I ever be willing again to bear the pain in order to find the beauty? I seem so quick to accept the pain that comes with things like childbirth and realtionships. Why can't I seem to push past the pain when it comes to the church?

It'll be interesting to see how long these thoughts stick with me, and permiate my thought life. All I can hope and pray for is for God to show me the beauty amidst the pain.

mars

2007-01-11T22:15:00.000-06:00

Today at work, there was a teen girls event going on. One of my co-workers was getting a game ready for the girls where they had to look at a picture of a celebrity and figure out who it was. The catch was that part of their face was covered up, so they weren't totally able to see who it was. She found some pretty funny pictures, and had some great ideas as to what celebrities she should use. The funniest BY FAR was a picture of Bill Gates. She simply covered up the lower part of his chin and neck, leaving most of his face uncovered because she KNEW they would have no clue who he was.

However, as we were looking at a couple of the pictures, I noticed a picture of Spike Lee in her pile. I think she was slightly impressed that I actually knew who Spike Lee was, and when I noticed her surprised, I started to quote the old Air Jordan commercials he was in. "Mars Blackman here with my main man, Michael Jordan." Everyone, with the exception of this co-worker, just looked at me with a blank stare. None of them had ever seen or even heard of the Mars Blackman Air Jordan commercials. I guess I can thank the fact that I had a brother who was obsessed with basketball growing up.

But it made me wonder if I could find the old Mars Blackman commercials. And indeed I could! YouTube came through for me once again!

So, for your viewing pleasure, a little throwback to the old days... Spike Lee - the early years.

thought

2007-01-09T22:50:00.000-06:00

No matter how conservatively I grew up, no matter how little my experience, no matter how poor my knowledge, now matter how many fears I have, no matter what I was told to fear, and no matter how much I was taught to fear...

I pray that I am never so scared as to not learn and love to the fullest extent possible. If I die learning and loving, than I believe that I have lived.

365

2007-01-08T23:56:00.000-06:00

I'm pretty much an amateur when it comes to photography. Currently, I don't even have my own digital camera (mine is broken, and I need to send it in to either get fixed or replaced). The digital camera I'm currently using isn't spectacular, and my knowledge of how to set up shots isn't great either. However, despite my lack of knowledge and experience, I absolutely love photography, and am always looking for an interesting way in which to stretch myself.

My co-worker and friend, Simon, created a Flickr group called "365 and still alive" that he invited me to be a part of. The goal: Take one self-portrait every day for 365 days. I suppose it sounds a bit narcissistic - only taking photos of ourselves. But hey, at least it gets us taking photos every day. And it'll be interesting to see how creative I can get. I mean, 365 pictures of oneself seems a bit daunting... I'm not totally sure how many different poses, outfits, and locations I can find/create!

But we will see how far I make it. I am only on day one.

You can check out his photo project here:

365 and still alive...

inspiration

2007-01-04T20:35:00.000-06:00

I've been lacking a bit of inspiration lately. It's been a long time since I've felt truly inspired. Part of me wants to believe that it's because I've not experienced a lot of things that others have. I've never lost someone extremely close to me. I've never been severely sick or hurt. I've never been without shelter or food. I've never been in love. I've never gotten kicked out of school. I've never been drunk. Never smoked, never done drugs... Never bungee jumped, never traveled overseas, never camped out under the stars when it wasn't a part of some sort of huge campsite. I've never been kissed. I've never been to New York, Seattle, Portland, San Fransicso, or Austin... All places I'd like to go. There are a lot of things I feel like I've never experienced, and in some respects, I feel a bit naive. I feel like I'm missing out sometimes - that everyone around me has some sort of knowledge, some experience, that I've never had, and possibly might never have.

But then I began to think about inspiration, and what it is that inspires people. I realized that I was only looking to the grandiose, only looking in the lofty places, and not the lowly. I've forgetten that truth and beauty can be found in the smallest of things, things to which most everyone has access if only they would look. Things like the smile of a child (which I see lots of every day), someone's laugh, the wind, a flower, the sunset, a look from someone, a kind word... And I believe that even not so beautiful things can inspire as well - like sadness from a fading friendship, cancelled plans or a change in plans, self image issues, a relationship that was desired but never happened, or even just a vague sense of doubt... These are all things that may not be classified as "amazing" or "tragic," but they can inspire, if one is willing to look more closely...

It's so easy for me to focus on the big things I've never experienced. I think sometimes I feel like so much music and literature is chalked full of things like heartache, love, loss, places visted, people met... that I feel if my "writings" don't contain those things, it will not be great or noteworthy.

But I think about how true writers can look at the small things - a blade of grass, a cloud, a piece of art, a blank sheet of paper - and come up with the most amazing and elaborate stories and poems that are full of life and vibrant in color. I've been realizing more and more that I've been so focused on the big things, that I miss the small things.

I was writing out my list of things I want to do in 2007, as well as reading other people's lists. I came to the realization that I have not ever experienced a sunrise. I mean really, truely experienced a sunrise. Where I sit and patiently wait for the sun to peak over the horizon, and then soak in every ounce of light as it is given to me. A sunrise. Something that happens every single day - without fail - and I have yet to experience it. When was the last time I sat by the lake and just watched it? The last time I watched a rain drop as it made it's journey down a window pane?

I realized I have a lot more to experience than traveling overseas, going bungee jumping, and falling in love. There are so many small things - attainable things - I only have to notice, giving me the possibility of great inspiration.

Here's to finding inspiration in the little things.

(pic taken from omar_franc at www.sxc.hu)

welcome

2007-01-01T17:09:00.000-06:00

Welcome to 2007.

2007... That sounds so strange. I remember when I first learned of the movie "2001: A Space Oddessy" and thought the year 2001 sounded so strange, so far away...I wondered if I'd ever get to experience 2001. And here we find ourselves in the year 2007.

Ringing in the New Year seems to bring about many resolutions and goals. It is a time of new beginnings. It gives individuals an excuse to start over, and to make things different than they were before.

But another thing I love about the new year is that it serves as a gentle reminder that time continues to move forward. It gives us a jolt, reminding us that life is short, and we ought to live it to the fullest. I love the following quote:

"Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like no one is looking."

As 2006 comes to a close, and we've now entered a new year, I think about what new things I will experience. There are things I dream about, things I want to see happen... Things that are exciting, things that are daring, and things that are even a bit unimaginable. I love thinking about all the possibilites this new year holds.

But instead of detailing what I want to see happen, I'm more interested in learning about what you guys want to see happen. Whether it's something you want to see happen in 2007, or just something you want to experience sometime in your life, I'd love to know what it is.

Whether you've been reading my blog for a while, you're new here, you're a good friend of mine, or you stumbled upon this website through a link found elsewhere... I want to hear what sorts of things excite you and what things you're dreaming about as we enter into this new year.

Welcome to 2007... and welcome to new resolutions, new goals, and new dreams.

(Photo taken from user garychrist at www.sxc.hu)

dimensions

2006-12-29T23:04:00.000-06:00

I’m fascinated by dimensions. I am literally dumbfounded by how many different dimensions there are to a person - traits, interests, quirks, temperament, love languages, passions, and everything else that makes up the different sides of each person. I love that some of these dimensions are “hand-me-downs,” things passed on from generation to generation. While other things are learned, acquired, and sought after… I love living in a world where there are so many unique individuals with the capacity for a multitude of interactions.

But like everything, there is a downside to these multi-dimensions… This downside can occur when instead of complimenting each other, these differences collide.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this idea lately... I guess you could say that a simple Christmas gift is what started this rabbit trail of thought. At Christmas, both my dad and brother received a Rubik's Cube – a toy my brother played with as a child and found VERY frustrating. After a while of twists and turns, he found it so frustrating he took the stickers off and tried to rearrange them. When that didn’t work, he then took the whole cube apart and put it back together in order. Way to defeat the purpose, hey?

But it brought an interesting thought to mind. If people are so multi-dimensional, it’s no wonder we have communication errors, broken relationships, and personality conflicts. There are so many different combinations, so many things that need to line up just right in order for things to work – just like a Rubik's Cube needs to be lined up according to color in order to be “solved.”

However, I wonder how many of us respond to these multi-dimension conflicts in the same way my brother responded to his Rubik's Cube? I wonder how often, instead of putting in the time and effort to “crack the code” or to solve the puzzle, we try to cheat our way there. My brother was young, and my not have understood the point of the Rubik's Cube… He just knew what the end product was, and wanted to get there as soon as possible. And I know there are times where I’ve done that with people… I’ve glossed over a conflict, or a gap in communication in order to make the relationship what I wanted it to be, or so that I could continue on my merry way without a whole lot of hassle.

But what would our relationships look like if we were able to spend more time trying get things aligned the way they’re supposed to, where our differences compliment instead of collide? How would our communication change if we recognized the many dimensions people own, and worked on trying to better understand them? And how much richer would our dimensions be if we only gave each other room to exist in them?

It can be a long, and frustrating process. It can seem near impossible at times. But it can be done. A Rubik's Cube CAN be solved, and people CAN learn to understand each others dimensions.

It all depends on how many twists and turns we’re willing to endure.

tunes

2006-12-05T10:15:00.000-06:00

Music is good for my soul.

I just got my own "space" at work, and of course, I need to have a handful of CDs by my side to listen to. Therefore, I've been making a few different mix CDs. Recently, I've been obsessed with piano. It's always been a huge love of mine, but just recently, I seem to be searching high and low for more good piano tunes. I've gotten a few suggestions from people which I have loved - so thank you!

This is the current playlist I am hooked on. It incorporates a LOT of piano, but also a lot of the acoustic/folksie sound...well, with some other stuff thrown in there too.

9 Crimes Mix

"Nice, Naive, and Beautiful" - Plumb
"Lonelily" - Damien Rice
"Waiting For My Real Life To Begin" - Colin Hay (thanks Graham!)
"Can't Complain" - Nickel Creek
"Proof" - Colplay
"Go" - Plumb
"Thinking It Over" - Dana Glover
"Come Back Down" - Lifehouse
"Rooftops and Invitations" - Dashboard Confessional
"Hymn" - Cooper (thanks Joshua!)
"Shine" - Tina Malia
"All of My Days" - Alexi Murdoch
"So Long, So Long" - Dashboard Confessional (yay Adam Duritz!)
"9 Crimes" - Damien Rice
"Hallelujah" - Cooper

There are a lot of repeat artists on there I realize, but what can I say... I love their music! I suggest you check out Cooper on iTunes - really fun music. Check out his self-titled album, and also his album entitled "2." Sort of Ben Folds, meets Rufus Wainwright, meets Coldplay, meets Keane, meets Aqualung, meets The Fray. Hahaha... Yes... There's a little bit of all in there! Also, check out Alexi Murdoch - a Nick Drake kind of fella.

Ok friends... That's it for now. Music updates to come in the near future. I have a CD in the mail by a Canadian band called Pilate, and I'm also hoping to order the new Mars Hill worship album rather soon.

Until then, keep the music suggestions coming!

greeting

2006-12-02T01:38:00.000-06:00

I absolutely love Christmas! There are many reasons why I love Christmas, but it is easily my most favorite holiday. There seems to be something magical about it... something romantic, something awe-filled, and something so great - I'm somewhat unable to describe it.

So, in honor of it being the beginning of December - one of the greatest months simply because it contains one of the greatest holidays, I bring you a Christmas greeting from Sufjan Stevens.

Great holiday. Great music. Does it get any better?

Thank you Sufjan, for welcoming us into a snow-filled start to December.

scaffolding

2006-11-29T22:38:00.000-06:00

I don’t typically like change. I guess you could say I’m a sentimental sap to the core. I much prefer “the original” over the “upgraded” version. But alas, over the years, I have given in to the new fangled toys, giving up on my "originals" that may be broken, or in some cases, just aren't as spectacular as they once were.

I’ve heard plenty of rants about how we as Americans always want more, and are always looking for better - that we’ll tear apart perfectly good highways in order to have one that allows more traffic. Often times, instead of fixing something, we will just replace it… It’s just easier to replace, than to fix what’s broken – especially when it has the potential of breaking again, right? And sometimes, we just want what's new and shiny. We’ll get rid of our sedans and opt for the bigger SUV which of course, is the car of Americans. (Note sarcasm. *wink*) But I think we bypass the beauty in restoring what is "old" with this idea of getting “bigger and better”

I live in an area of the country where construction abounds… Maybe it’s like that everywhere in the U.S. It seems that everywhere there is some road, some bridge, or some building under construction. I work in the city, and so every day I take detours to avoid such construction. However, there is this one building that I pass on a regular basis. The entire building is encased in scaffolding, and when I say entire, I mean ENTIRE building. There doesn’t seem to be one piece of the building’s edifice that doesn’t have scaffolding attached to its side. I took a picture of it, which unfortunately didn’t turn out… Hopefully, I’ll have one for you soon because it’s absolutely amazing! Typically, I wouldn’t be drawn to this sort of spectacle. I mean, it’s just some old building being restored, right? However, this building is huge and is visible from many different parts in the city – it’s hard to miss. And I’ve come to LOVE this building. Any time I drive anywhere near it, I come close to a collision because I’m simply fascinated with this idea of restoration – the idea of updating the building, restoring its original beauty. During my moments of awe and near-collision, I began to think about the scaffolding. While I've come to think it looks pretty cool, to most, it makes the building look really ugly. However, I realized that it serves as a visual for the building’s future. It may look ugly for the moment, but it’s in the middle of an overhaul, about to be completely revitalized.

This thought moved me a step further. I have been writing a great deal about the church lately. I know, I know… You’re all probably pretty sick of hearing my “woes” about the church. But this is somewhat a continuation of my thoughts on authenticity. As I began to search where my hurt and disgruntled demeanor towards the church stems from, I realized that it’s due to the fact that I don’t believe God’s children have mastered the art of being authentic. The Scriptures provide us with all the ways in which we should live, and to be honest, it can be a little daunting. But instead of saying, “Hey, I don’t really measure up,” we try to mask it with the “I’ve got it all together” façade. I think we’ve become so good at trying to look already restored that we ignore our scaffolding. Plus, it’s ugly… who wants to proudly display it?

We are in a constant state of being renewed and restored – just like the building I drive past regularly. We don’t have it all together. We have scaffolding strapped to both sides, and are in the process of being renewed by our creator. We are being stripped of the old, the destructive, and all that is unwanted. We are being given back that which is missing. And yet, we try to hide the fact that we're there... that we are broken, and in need of restoration. We put sheets over the scaffolding and hide the ladders. We cover up the parts that are currently being worked on, and emphasize the parts that maybe don’t need as much work.

What would happen if we embraced it? What would happen if, like that building, we could be seen, flaws and all, by everyone – Christians and non-Christians alike? What happens if we were willing to restore the brokenness, even if we knew we might once again somewhere down the road be in the same mess all over again? What would the church look like if we allowed ourselves to be seen as a work in process?

Maybe if we were able to let the sheets fall, we might be able to be renewed together.

duck duck goose

2006-11-26T08:57:00.000-06:00

Let me introduce you to D – a five year old with one of the biggest pouts known to man, and the most furrowed brow I’ve ever seen a little girl display. She wears this face rather often, and it’s quite a site to behold. One cannot help but laugh when seeing her disgruntled demeanor. However, I find it interesting and yet humbling that this face, her demeanor, taught me one of the greatest lesson’s I’ve learned recently.

D attends a tutoring program I help run. She started the tutoring program pretty late in the game and has only been there a couple times. Yet somehow I managed to be the one to have an interesting interaction with her.

One night, I noticed “the face.” She was sitting in the middle of the gym floor, obviously upset about something. I sat down in front of her, and inquired her about her saddened disposition. With tears streaming down her face, she cried aloud, “No one will play duck, duck, goose with me!” I held back my laughter at her seemingly ridiculous plight. I realized that to a five year old, this was serious business. I pointed out to her that there were many other children playing jump rope and basketball, and encouraged her to join. My advice was met with a strong headshake, and her crossed arms grew tighter. I told her that it doesn’t matter if we really really want something, it might just not be what we get. Obviously, this sort of advice never goes over well with small children. After realizing she would not magically be enlightened by this thought, I went with some good advice my dad gave me – let them come to their own realization. Ask questions.

I looked at D and said, “Are you having fun? Do you like sitting in the middle of the floor crying? Because to me, playing jump rope and basketball looks like a lot of fun, but I don’t know about crying. Crying doesn’t seem like fun… are you having any fun?” She looked at me as though I had just asked her the most stupid question in the world – which I suppose I had. However, it worked. Her demeanor started to change. She suddenly realized that her friends were having way more fun than she was, even though it wasn’t playing duck, duck, goose. I then asked her, “Should we make a good decision and start having fun, instead of sitting here NOT having fun?” At this point, she wiped the tears from her eyes, stood up, and determined we should play basketball.

During my drive home, I snickered thinking about D and the interaction we just had. It was then that my laughter slowly turned into a dreaded realization. I have a friend who used to ask, “Were you just hit by a holy 2x4?” Now, I realize that’s somewhat of a cheesy statement, but it was totally true in this case. It was as if God said, “Oh yeah? Know anyone else who sits on the floor pouting when they don’t get exactly what they want?”

With the holidays upon us, it’s easy for me to be saddened by the fact that I will be spending yet another holiday season single and childless. I can't wait to carry the title "wife" and I hope and pray for the day when I can finally have children to call my own (I especially hope to adopt). And for the past couple weeks leading up to Thanksgiving, I was dreading having to spend the holidays alone. I was like D, sitting in the middle of the floor, pouting, asking God why yet again, I have to do this. And this has not been the only thing on my list. There’s been my car which isn’t 100% satisfactory to me, I don’t have a place of my own, I haven't been able to backpack across Europe yet, and the list goes on. These things that are all such "serious business" to me, of such great desire, probably sound like “No one will play duck, duck, goose with me.”

Then, I thought about this: There are people this holiday season who literally have no one - no family, no friends - no one. There are people who don't have a place to sleep, or a place to eat, or even a place to feel safe. There are people who don't have any transportation, and are required to use their feet to travel many miles. There are people who haven't seen anything other than their neighborhood. When thinking of these things, my simple and somewhat lofty desires seem so unimportant.

I do not mean to say all these things aren’t important – some of them probably are. In fact, I have friends who are struggling to have children, and it is a very serious thing for them. These situations are important to God. But the lesson I learned from D went a bit further. How often do I sit with my arms folded, refusing to engage in all the great things around me just because life didn’t turn out the way I had hoped? Yes, it’s ok to desire things. Yes, it’s ok to be sad when they don’t happen. But what if I’m missing the rest of the riches God has for me because I’m don’t have what I deem as “most important”. What if God has something so much more wonderful to show me in the games of jump rope and basketball?

By no means have I moved beyond the game of duck, duck, goose that my little friend D has… I still have my pouting moments. But the 2x4 definitely left a dent in my head that will be hard to ignore.

stories

2006-11-14T22:50:00.000-06:00

Tonight, I was able to hang out with one of my favorite kids - we'll call her K. She's a total blast, and SUPER smart. I love it when I get to spend time with her at tutoring.

We worked our way through math facts and worksheets, she did her reading, and we moved onto one of my favorite activities - writing stories. So, K and I decided we'd each write a story, and then share them with one another. For a frame of reference, K is in 3rd grade, so roughly 8 or 9 years old.

Without further ado, the stories of K & Tory.

The Mouse Who Was Lost
by K

Once upon a time there was a little animal. It was a mouse. The town name was Mousetown. He was lost in a store. He could not find his mother. His mother was a mouse too. He went to the cashier and said can you call my mother up here. Then he left with his mother. Then they lived happy ever after. The end.

Sniffles, then Giggles
by Tory

Once upon a time, there were two princesses named K & T. Both of them were very beautiful and lived in a huge palace. They had a dog named Sniffles who always had a cold. He would sneeze and sneeze and sneeze and no one knew why. One day, K and T tickled him so hard he stopped sneezing, but couldn't stop laughing. They changed his name to Giggles instead. The end.

I love stories.

(image taken from www.stickergirl.com)

kids

2006-11-11T22:39:00.000-06:00

Recently, I have been thinking about my job and how much I love the kids that I work with. There are times where I don't know how I feel about my job, but it's the kids that make it totally worthwhile. Seriously, the times I get to interact with them are so special. I absolutely love when I get the "Miss Tory, come here I want to tell you something!" and get a whispered secret. Or a little hand that slips into mine. Or getting to read a book with them, teach them Bible verses, or just play with them. I cherish the moments I get to spend with them.

However, there are also times when it's really hard. There are times when I hear stories of how tough their loves are - the things they have to see at such a young age, the things they have to hear, experience... things they shouldn't have to face at such a young age. So many of them are asked to grow up way too quickly. And some of them don't have a lot of the conveniences we have either. I recently got ringworm - kinda gross, I know. But I was thinking about what I had to pay to treat it. Granted, it seemed somewhat cheap to me. Being without insurance, I was glad I didn't have to pay $60-80 for a doctor's appointment. However, it made me wonder how many families that I work with couldn't even afford to pay what I did for treatment, and how many kids have to go without treatment.

There are times where I find myself wanting to help them all... I want to make sure they have food to eat, good clothes to wear, and maybe even a few toys so they can enjoy their childhood while they have it. But I know I can't help them all... I don't have the means to provide for them all...

But that is why I LOVE the fact that I get to spend time with them. I love the fact that I can give them hugs, pat them on the back, and hold their hands - even if it means that I get ringworm. I love the fact that I can help them learn their numbers, their letters, how to say please and thank you, and even give them a little bit of structure. I've realized that even though I can't provide for them with tangible items, that I can love them to pieces and let them know what great kids they are.

Yay for kids.

dare

2006-11-10T19:33:00.000-06:00

I don't really believe in omens, or signs, or any of that superstitious stuff... However, I do find it interesting that the one topic I cannot seem to get a grasp on and have been avoiding for about 2 years, has raised its head in a few interesting and significant ways this week.

The topic: Church.

My friend Joshua started a photographic community on his blog. How it works is that he comes up with some sort of topic, and then asks his readers to send him pictures that follow the chosen theme. His most recent theme was "I am the church." He is in the process of preparing a sermon about the church, and what exactly "the church" is. He writes, "I am the church. You are the church. The people are the church. The building is not the church. The music style isn't the church. The doughnuts and coffee aren't the church. We don't go to church. We are the church. We are the hands and feet of Christ." Many of his readers are from different countries, so he asked for people to submit their photos with the phrase "I am the church" in their native tongue. Pretty sweet, if you ask me.

I had missed the first photo community opportunity, and did not want to miss submitting something for this one. However, here's the irony of it all...

A couple of weeks ago, I decided to attend Epikos. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Milwaukee, or do not know what Epikos is, it's a church plant (through the Baptist General Conference) on the East Side of Milwaukee. It meets right in the heart of UWM town, and is surrounded by the "artsy" folk. I have been to this church gathering quite a few times in the past, and haven't really felt as "connected" as I would have hoped. However, I also never really gave it much of a chance. After a service a couple of weeks ago, I felt really challenged about how I so quickly brushed it off. What you must know about Epikos is, it feels VERY similar to another community I was a part of - a community that fell apart at the seams and was really hard to watch collapse. I didn't and am still not sure I want to be a part of something that feels so similar to that. However, I felt that comparison was really unfair to the Epikos community, as well as the pastor, and so I sent an email to Danny - the pastor of Epikos, apologizing for my "write-off."

Danny and I decided to meet up for coffe to discuss "my journey." While it felt a bit like a psychiatric visit, it was also really good for me to talk about my experiences in ministry, and my frustrations with "the church." I explained to him how my head and my heart have been mutilated by the things "the church" has done not only to me, but more so to other people whom I love very much. It has been incredibly hard for me to see "the church" as the bride of Christ - something that is loved and cherished by God. However, as I talked with Danny, I realized I had a lot to work through, and I had to realize that I can no longer look at "them" and say "the church" as if I'm somehow not a part of it. If I am a Christ-follower, that means I am a part of the collective "church." I cannot seperate myself from it.

As I was setting up some stuff to work on for this photo project of Joshua's, I struggled with whether or not I should even do it. Do I really believe the picture I am creating? Do I really believe that I am the church? And can I really have such anger and frustration with the people we call "church," when I myself am just as much a part of it as the next person? As I looked through the pictures I took, I really had to think long and hard about how I felt, and whether or not I could stand behind the statement "I am the church."

Then, as I was driving home today, I had an interesting experience. For those of you who know me, you know that I absolutely LOVE lightning. For whatever reason, I feel really close to God when I'm amidst a storm, and today I drove home through a pretty ugly one. Lightning and thunder, sleet and snow... It was nasty. But for some reason, I felt really close to God. Here's where we come to the "I don't believe in omens" part. I really don't believe in them, I promise, but this struck me as interesting...

I had my iPod on shuffle, and the song "Dare You to Move" by Switchfoot came on. Now, I've heard that song a thousand times before. The radio stations here played it until the public finally cried "Uncle!" But tonight, I was struck with the lines of the chorus: "I dare you to move/ I dare you to move/ I dare you pick yourself up off the floor." In those words, in that moment, I felt such a strong sense that I simply need to move. I need to take that risk again, and invest in the beauty (and at times, ugliness) of those around me - the church. I need to risk the hurt, the pain, and everything ugly that comes with a bunch of broken people. I need to lean on them, and let them lean on me, even if it means at one point, we let the other one fall.

My brother once made an interesting comment to me. He said, "God can't steer the car if it's in park." Now granted, I'm not making a statement about the sovereignty of God. If he really wanted the parked car to move, he could totally do it. However, I love the idea behind his statement. God can't direct me/guide me if I'm not even moving.

I dare you to move.

I dare you to love my church again.

I dare you to BE the church.

I've still got a long way to go in this journey, but I'm now at least feeling an urge to move... Instead of staying parked where I am, dwelling in only the ugliness I see in the church, I will move forward, and strive to see past it - to see the beauty that can only come through brokeness.

(To see more of the "I am the church" photographic community project, visit www.thelongbrake.com.)

beck

2006-11-02T10:39:00.000-06:00

As many of you know, music is a HUGE passion of mine, and I take it very seriously... However, I love it when artists are able to NOT be so serious about music, and just enjoy themselves, making music that is fun and entertaining...

Justin, a friend I met through Relevant Magazine, posted this video on his myspace blog today (THANKS, JUSTIN!). I was so unbelievably amused (as I am with most things Beck touches) and thought I'd share this with all of you. It's Beck's performance on SNL a couple weeks ago.

It made my heart happy...

questions

2006-10-25T22:40:00.000-05:00

Have you ever reached a point in your life where you simply said to yourself "I don't get it..." but you so desperately wanted to "get it"?

When I was in elementary school, I was a math whiz. We'd have timed tests, and I always faired pretty well. Granted, I was rarely the first one done, but my scores would have made any parent proud. As I approached junior high, and started to learn algebra, geometry and trigonometry, math proved to be no harder than elementary school. I was homeschooled, making my way through a book by a well-known organization known for being good, but somewhat tough material. Junior high math proved to be fairly painless, and I felt ready to take on high school math. I had a wretched Algebra 1 class, setting me up for what would be one of the worst acedemic paths of my life. I didn't get it. Math was so easy for me as a kid, but I couldn't do an Algebra problem to save my life. I did poorly in Algebra 1, barely made my way through Geometry, and nearly failed Algebra 2. When I reached college, I had to take an Algebra class. At that point, I didn't get it, but I didn't care. I hated it with every bone in my body, and knew I was headed for trouble. I also knew that another math course lurked around the corner. However, after 2 takes of Algebra, and 2 takes of Statistics, I was done with math, raising my hands to the sky and praising the Lord with my whole being. No more "I don't get it" statements... Well, at least as far as math is concerned.

I was thinking about my math struggles the other day. There were so many moments where I said, "I don't get it." Math made no sense to me, and it just wasn't connecting in my brain. However, the interesting thing was that I didn't care. I didn't care if I ever knew what a variable was, or if I could differentiate between statistics. I simply didn't get it, and didn't care.

I have been struggling a great deal in my faith lately. As many of you know, I've had a couple rough church situations in my life time. My faith in community has been bruised over time, and I'm not totally sure it's anywhere close to healing. Lately though, I've come across a few questions in my spiritual journey where I've simply said "God, I don't get it." I've come across things that make absolutely no sense to me, that don't click in my brain. However, here's the difference: This time, I do care that I don't "get it."

I've found myself in a state of deep frustration, where I've questioned a lot, doubted more than usual, and have even argued a bit with God. I've talked about my love for questions. I absolutely love to ask people questions, including God. I remember reading Job, and it scared me away from questioning God for a very long time. But I believe questions are good. I believe they help us move past the "I don't get it" and onto a deeper understanding.

I remember in my first attempt at college Algebra. I sat there dumbfounded by how much I didn't know as a 19 year old. I was so embarrased that I couldn't do a simple Algebraic equation. Because of my embarrassment, I didn't ask any questions. What I realized is, that by not asking any questions, I didn't get any answers. I just continued with my "I don't get it" mentality, resulting in round 2 of College Algebra.

I'm at a point in my life right now where I don't get it - I don't get why things are they way they are, and I have a LOT of questions. But I believe that the questions are good. I imagine they will play a vital role in my moving past this stage.

I can't wait for the day when I can say, "Ok, this is now starting to make more sense."

(image by theRIAA @ www.sxc.hu)

paste

2006-10-14T23:31:00.000-05:00

Zach Braff graces the cover of Paste Magazine's October issue. He talks about his latest movie "Last Kiss" and his future plans doing all the crazy things he does. I love the tag on the cover of the magazines that says, "Zach of all trades: Zach Braff is the quadruple threat. He writes. He directs. He's the 'Floating Head Doctor.' And he helps the Shins change your life."

And speaking of music, the mag comes with a sampler CD with some pretty stellar artists. Artists such as: The Decemberists, Amos Lee, Sparklehorse, Ben Kweller, Ani Defranco, and other artists I was unfamiliar with but have come to enjoy.

So check out the October issue of Paste Magazine, and get yourself some good tunes.
It's worth the $7.95 you pay for it.

(Picture taken from www.pastemagazine.com)

writing

2006-10-07T21:00:00.001-05:00

As you may have noticed, my blog has been lacking decent writing as of late. I have only been writing about work, with a few music/movie suggestions thrown it. While that is all well and good, and I'm excited about my job and the new things I've been listening to and watching, these are not the things I always want to write about, or even how I want my writing to look. However, as I've mentioned briefly before, I'm having a really hard time focusing on writing. I'm having a hard time getting to the things I really want to write about, and I'm also not dedicating the kind of time to writing as a writer should. I should be writing every day. I'm lucky if I write once a week.

I've come to a big realization - I've not been writing for the pleasure of writing, I've not be writing in order to strengthen my skills, I've not been writing because I have something really great I want to share...

I've only been writing because I want to be able to say "I'm a writer." I write because I feel like I SHOULD be writing. I write to impress. I want to wow people with my words. Here's the problem... If I write to fit some sort of mold, or because I feel like it's something I HAVE to do, I'll come to resent it. I won't (and don't) always impress. I won't always wow. There won't always be people who want to read my work.

What needs to drive me is my love for writing, which is something I think that I've lost sight of. I've recently had a couple discussions with people I admire greatly for their creativity, ability to write, and their wisdom when it comes to writing. What I've learned is that I've become an impatient writer. I expect to write well the minute I sit down to write. But as with most things in life, it takes time and discipline. It takes time to get through the junk, it takes fragments of thoughts, lists, random sentences, and unfinished ideas before you get to the good stuff. It takes lots of writing then scratching, editing, re-writing, researching, dreaming, imagination...

Maybe that's the heart of my problem... I've lost my ability to search my imagination, my ability to dream. I've lost my drive to find new things, go on new adventures, and seek out the unknown. I can't seem to create those places, those people, or those ideas in my mind anymore. Instead it's been replaced with laziness, busyness, work, and the everday commonalities that distract from the brilliance that lays beneath it all.

So my blog may be a work in progress. It may look pretty ugly over the next few months as I spend time doing more private writing, and less public writing. It might be fairly fragmented, filled with unfinished thoughts and ideas. It may not even look any different at first... But hopefully, it will begin to change over time into something I can say I took great joy in creating...

far away

2006-10-02T23:01:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I've created a playlist to share with you all. I had a really hard time creating a playlist this evening for whatever reason. Maybe it's all the new music I've come across and had recommended to me. Maybe it's my strong affection towards music I've owned for quite some time now. But in any case, here is the new playlist called "Far Away" that I've created. It was inspired. That's all you need to know about it.

Far Away

"Tech Romance" - Her Space Holiday
"Chocolate" - Snow Patrol
"Coney Island" - Death Cab For Cutie
"Hum" - Electric President
"One and Only" - Teitur
"The Fear You Won't Fall" - Joshua Radin
"Sundress (Acoustic)" - Ben Kweller
"Remember to Breath" - Dashboard Confessional
"A Lack of Color" - Death Cab For Cutie
"Look After You" - The Fray
"Sewn (Radio Edit)" - The Feeling
"Green Grass of Tunnel" - Mum
"An Accidental Memory In The Case of Death" - Eluvrium

I can't get enough of the last song. It's just plain piano music, but it's absolutely beautiful, and I love it. So this is it... What's currently tickling my ears.

Love it.

Hate it.

Ignore it.

I love it.

All that matters.

I {heart} today

2006-10-02T20:20:00.000-05:00

Today was a great day.

There is no amazing story, no really great moment... just an all around good day.

First of all, I woke up late. Now, most people would consider this a bad start to the day. However, I called my boss to tell him I'd be late, and he couldn't have been any cooler about it. I walked out the front door when the warm air immediately encompassed me. The sun was shining, and the weatherman told me it was going to be 80 degrees. 80 degrees on October 2. Brilliant.

While the kids were a bit squirrely at work today, I had a great day. I was able to accomplish a fair amount of work.

Enter post-work funness.

My good friend Sarah and I decided to meet up for dinner. I drove over to the east side of Milwaukee, and we walked to the new Whole Foods that was just built. For those of you who are not familiar with Whole Foods, it's a whole lot of organic goodness. However, despite the fact that they have amazing amounts of food bars, we decided to head to Beans & Barley instead, one of my favorite restaurants in Milwaukee. We sat outside on the patio, and enjoyed the thunderstorm as it began to roll in. We then headed to my favorite coffee shop (Alterra) and walked home just as the lightning started to strike.

On our walk home, we stood at the top of a hill overlooking Lake Michigan. The sky was dark, the wind was blowing, and you could hear the sound of the waves lapping and leaves dancing across the ground. It was beautiful.

As I drove home, the thunderstorm began to pick up... I rolled my window down, allowing the wind to fill my little car. I listened to "Lightning" - a song that is on Counting Crow's demo CD, and "Transatlanticism" by Death Cab for Cutie - my favorite song by them and a song I can listen to over and over.

That's when the rain let loose... When I got out of my car, I couldn't help but stand and let the rain have it's way with me. It was a great moment... I need to do that more often.

I am now at home, enjoying some missed television. Has anybody been watching Studio 60?
Good stuff...

I {heart} today.
It's been a while since I've enjoyed a day as much as I did today.

sos

2006-09-27T22:04:00.000-05:00

The other day, a friend of mine was telling me about some movie that was coming out. She said it had the word "sleep" in it, but couldn't remember the actual title. I hadn't heard of any movie with the word "sleep" in it... until today.

I was watching a recorded episode of "Scrubs" when on comes this commercial for a movie entitled "The Science of Sleep." I noticed it had the guy from "Motorcycle Diaries" in it, and found it to be slightly amusing at first. Then, I heard it... A film by Michel Gondry.

I've written about my love for Michel Gondry before. The most obvious example is "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" - a movie I bought even before it was out in stores (I've got the hook-up at The Exclusive Company!) However, what first got me into Michel Gondry's work was his work with music videos. The first time I saw the video for The White Stripes "Fell In Love With A Girl" I was hooked. Also, some of you may have seen his work with other artists such as Bjork, Kylie Minogue, Beck, Hot Hot Heat, Kanye West, and other artists.

Gondry's use of stop motion is so cool... Even though I have an extreme dislike for Jan Svankmeyer films (who is well known for his use for stop motion) and he somewhat tainted my feelings about stop motion, I think that Gondry does a good job with it and uses it tastefully.

I'm really, really excited about "The Science of Sleep" - even though I was pretty late finding out about it. Thanks to my friend who SORT OF gave me a heads up!

You can see the trailer here.

You can visit "The Science of Sleep" interactive website by going here.

The movie comes out this Friday at the Oriental Theater...

I'm excited!

personal

2006-09-24T20:04:00.000-05:00

I find it interesting... I struggle to write blog entries when I have a lot of things consuming my thought life, especially when those things are extremely personal. The same goes for writing articles for Relevant Magazine's website - I can't seem to write them when the stuff I'm going through is too personal. You'd think "tough stuff" like that would generate some good writing material... However, I wonder if the thought of having a lot of people - those close to me, and those not so close to me, reading things that are very deep and personal is the very thing that is paralyzing me.

I've journaled a little bit about it, but have you ever had those moments where some of your own thoughts are scary to you to the point of not being sure what happens if you speak them or write them out? Where you're like, "Why in the world am I thinking that way?" or "Where did that thought come from?" Don't worry, they're nothing extremely terrible. But they are just thoughts that I'm struggling to get rid of, struggling to work through, and it's causing a bit of a writer's block for me to post here.

So thanks for being patient with me. Hopefully, I'll be able to post some more in the near future... Gotta work through some more of these thoughts though first.

nothing

2006-09-23T09:20:00.000-05:00

Hey folks... Sorry I haven't been writing much lately. Typically, I love to write blog entries, and write about what's going on in my life. However, I don't want to always write about work, and that seems to be what's consuming my thoughts as of late. I haven't really had a whole lot else going on... Therefore, I haven't had much to write about.

I will keep brainstorming about a good topic to write about. However, I didn't want to be MIA for much longer, so I thought I'd write a random post about nothing really... Just little tidbits from my life.

Movies I want to see:
"Last Kiss" with Zach Braff
"Half Nelson" with Ryan Gosling
"All The Kings Men" with Sean Penn
"The Prestige" - with Christian Bale

(oh, and by the way, I think I'm at like movie #30 on my list from the summer)

Fall Shows I'm excited about:
Lost - I seriuosly cannot wait for the season to start!
Gilmore Girls
Scrubs - I can now get caught up with it being in re-runs

Music I've been listening to:
Joshua Radin
Mum - Thanks to Longbrake for the suggestion
Snow Patrol - I was late getting on that bandwagon... good stuff
Get - a band I found on MySpace

Fun things happening this weekend:
Going apple picking with my mom this morning
Tailgating with Cataldo & friends for her birthday
Lazy Sunday (and I don't mean the SNL sketch)

Ok crazyees... that's it for now... I promise to post a more interesting post sometime in the near future.

nemesis

2006-09-22T22:25:00.000-05:00

So, a while back, there was this little invention called "Myspace" where people could meet new friends from all over the globe. However, what if making new friends is not really what you're all about? What if instead of making friends, you could make enemies...

"Myspace was created so that friends could keep in touch with each other, but until Nemesis Village came along, there has never been a place for enemies to keep in touch with each other and meet new nemeses...until now..."

I heard about this new thing that's coming to the web - Nemesis Village. Imagine if you will, a sort of "virtual fight club." The project is very hush hush right now, and is still under construction, but it will function as a network of enemies, archrivals, nemeses, and pretty much any other word you want to come up with for it. Apparently, it has rigorous tests one must go through in order to be accepted as a "villager." However, the little information I have is a bit sketchy, so enter at your own risk.

As I mentioned before, the site isn't fully functioning yet... but keep checking back for the dawn of a new era...

Click here to visit the village...

curveball

2006-09-15T21:22:00.000-05:00

Well, as always... Life threw a curveball. As it ended up, I didn't get to meet any of the teens tonight. It was kind of a sad reason - one of our staff had a family emergency. But at the same time, I couldn't help but laugh at the fact that I'd been worried all week, and then it didn't even happen...

I'm so good at worrying...
Maybe this was just one of the many lessons to come in working towards NOT worrying.

teenagers

2006-09-15T11:20:00.000-05:00

Today I finish the first week of my new job. Have no fear, I will not chronicle every day I work there... Just this first week. However, I felt like today might be a good "before and after" post. I don't have to be to work until 2pm today because I've already put in enough hours for the week. However, today is the day I've been nervous about all week.

I'm definitely the kind of person who much prefers somewhat structured social settings, especially when it comes to meeting new people. For me, if I am involved in some sort of activity, I like to have a "job" to do... I guess that's just how I'm wired. I thrive in situations where I can be working on something and interacting with people at the same time. But when it's a situation where I just have to "be" and not "do," I tend to struggle a bit more... and that's what today will bring me.
Enter: The teenagers

As a part of my job, I will be a part of what's called the Teen Drop-in Center. It serves as a place where teens can come to hang out in a safe place. The thing is, I don't really have a responsibility other than to just "hang out" with them.

Up until this point, I've pretty much been dealing with kids ages 5-8. Little kids are really easy for me to connect with, and so up until this point, it's been pretty fun meeting a bunch of them. However, jr. high and high school is a whole different ballgame. They're much more picky about who they choose to associate with, they have more expectations of people, and they don't always want an "old" person hanging around them, especially one who's supposed to be considered an "authority" figure.

Tonight, I will have to stretch way beyond my comfort zone, and I'm really nervous. You'd think with having worked with both jr. high and high school in the past, I'd be totally ready for this. But this is a different situation, on multiple levels. Theoretically, I know it probably won't be that bad. I'm even hoping it'll be a total blast. But there's still that part of me that fears the unknown and is nervous for the teenagers to arrive.

I will try to post again tonight AFTER the event... Hopefully, it'll be an entry telling of great interactions and amazing conversations.

(image found here.)

elevator

2006-09-12T23:17:00.000-05:00

Why is it that elevators are one of the most awkward places in the world? Seriously, have you ever had it where you're in an elevator with someone else that you don't know, and you think to yourself, "Should I say something? Should I keep quiet?" The only thing you can think to talk about is the weather or stupid small talk, which is never a whole lot of fun - especially if the other person isn't into it. You feel like a dork staring at your feet or at the changing numbers, but you also know that you cannot, no matter what, look at the other person in the elevator unless you plan to say something. I don't know about you, but I think that's what elevator service men were for - you know, the guys who asked you what floor and pushed the button? They functioned as the ice breaker... It's their job to make small talk and be friendly not only to you, but the other people in the elevator as you all ascend to a higher floor. I think that the elevator service man position should be brought back. I think it should be a requirement for all elevators. That way, when I have to take the elevator 15 different times in one day, I won't have those awkward moments of "Do I say something... or continue to stare at my feet?"

Day two at the new job went well... Minus the awkward elevator moments.

day one

2006-09-11T20:13:00.000-05:00

Who can say they got to jump rope at work? I CAN! I CAN!

Today was my first day at the Milwaukee Rescue Mission. After going through some initial "first day" stuff like paperwork and meeting with HR, it was time to help out with lunch. Yes, that's right... Yours truly functions as a lunchroom monitor 3 days a week, which of course is followed by RECESS! Things seemed really awkward up until recess time. There I was, trying to assist kids while they ate their lunch - I mean, chip bags and milk jugs are hard to open after all! I didn't know ANY of them. I didn't know any of their names, and I didn't really know the other people assisting either, making the whole situation a little strange. However, all of that awkwardness was put aside for 15 minutes of fun - RECESS! A little girl came up to me and asked me if I would hold one end of the jumprope while her and her friends jumped. I also very quickly became "home base" for a game of tag as well. Quite fun.

Overall, my first day went pretty well. I will say, I'm a bit overwhelmed. There's just a lot of different things to remember because there's a lot going on. I am really excited about most of the things I am a part of, and extremely nervous about two of them. I'm assisting with the junior high release time (junior highers aren't always as "welcoming" as kindergarten, first, and second graders) and I'm also helping with the teen center - both of which make me nervous because they're slightly out of my element. However, I know that after time and after I get to know the kids, it will be a lot of fun.

As with every new job, it's normal to be nervous about things and feel the discomfort of not knowing anything and being the "newbie." I'll just be excited when I can move past the "learning" part, and I can move on to enjoying it!

Good day though... More updates to come.

new

2006-09-09T15:30:00.001-05:00

With lots of "new" things going on in my life, I figured why not give my blog a new facelift as well! So, without further ado - welcome to my new blog. But, I'm not going to leave you hanging. Here are a few tricks to the new blog...

Here's the scoop behind the "Pull" tag above.

Now, I'm not sure how many of you out there use Safari as your web browser, but for some reason, it seems as though the Pull Tag doesn't work on Safari. I haven't had any problems with it on Internet Explorer or Firefox, so I'm not sure what the deal is. I will continue to work on figuring it out, but I'm guessing not a ton of you use Safari (or, if you do, you probably have Firefox or IE as well), so it's all good for right now.

Once you click on the Pull Tag, another window will pop down. This has all the info and links I had listed on my old blog. So, for those of you who use my blog to link to a bunch of other blogs, have no fear - they're still there. There's also a navigation menu which is pretty cool.

I like the Pull Tag because it allows simplicity. My entries are really the only thing that appear on the main page, which is nice, but the pull tag allows me to keep all my original links and information. SWEET!

Comments are a little different, and I'm still working to revamp what they look like. Currently, in order to leave a comment, you click on the number that is listed after the Entry Title and Post Date (it's a darker color, so it blends in... I'm working on fixing it). I really want to hear your thoughts though, so click on that number in order to leave one!

I am really interested to hear what you guys think of the new layout. If I get enough "I hate it" responses, I may change it back. I also want to know if you have problems with any of the links or the pull tag. So send me your thoughts and comments!

mrm

2006-09-06T22:53:00.001-05:00

Well friends, the time has finally arrived... I have a job! Let the celebration begin!

And, it's exactly where I wanted to be - The Milwaukee Rescue Mission, more specifically, Cross Trainers which is their youth division. I had applied mid-July for an administrative assistant position with Cross Trainers Academy - a new school that the Milwaukee Rescue Mission just started. I interviewed for that position towards the end of July, but they decided to go with another candidate. However, they then invited me to interview for another position with their youth ministry - another administrative assistant position. I interviewed about 2 1/2 weeks ago, and was officially offered the position today. I couldn't be more excited!

I start on Monday... My position is sort of being "created as we go" because they're still not totally sure what all their needs will be at this point. But currently, it looks like some of my duties will include your typical administrative duties: data entry, filing, typing projects, photocopying, etc. But will also include: assisting with classroom setup, doing something during the academy's lunchtime (I'm not sure what that entails yet - serving, or lunch monitor?), assisting with the tutoring program (including greeting tutors/students, and helping to make sure things are going smoothly), watching a student while he waits to be picked up by his mom, being a chaperone while taking kids home from school... and I'm sure a whole lot more!

I can't even tell you how excited I am... I have been praying for this job for a while. My family has been praying. My friends have been praying. My family's friends have been praying... I'm so grateful to God for this opportunity. As my friend C-Sliw would say, it's a PG moment (Praise God).

Anyway, I wanted to let you all know that I am about to embark on a new era of my life, something that totally excites me but I know will also stretch and grow me a great deal. I'm anxious to see what's ahead! There are also some other cool bits of news that are "in the works," but I'll save that for another blog.

For now, I'm just going to continue to be excited for this amazing opportunity I've been provided with! I'll keep you guys posted as to how things are going.

If you've been praying for me, I can't thank you enough. You have been a constant encouragement as I have waited for this opportunity to arrive. Thank you.

Here's looking to what's ahead...

(For more info on the Milwaukee Rescue Mission, check out www.milmission.org.)

starving jesus

2006-08-30T23:48:00.000-05:00

It was a gorgeous day. The sky was bright blue, barely any clouds in the sky, the sun was shining and the weather was in the mid-70s. It was the perfect day to head to the beach, or take a walk outside, and enjoy the perfect day that God had created. And that’s exactly what I did. I spent the day in the sun, in a neighborhood known for drug deals, gang activity, and prostitution. It was glorious!

My friends Katee and Mark are on staff with an organization called The Lazarus House, which also happened to be the location for day 25 of the Starving Jesus Tour lead by Craig Gross (of XXXchurch.com and author of “Dirty Little Secret”) and JR Mahon. The goal of the Starving Jesus tour was to challenge churches to get out of the pews, and out into the community. And that’s exactly what the Lazarus House does.

The Lazarus House considers itself a "going" ministry. Rather than expecting people to come to some beautiful building, or attend amazingly constructed church services, they go out into the neighborhood, meet kids and families on the streets surrounding the Lazarus house, build relationships with them, and serve them in whatever way they can. They have a summer program called wRap Kidz where kids learn about being wrapped in Jesus arms of love. During the afternoon prior to Craig & JR's message, we met with the children of wRap Kids for what could have been called their "summer finale." There were hot dogs and hamburgers, games, face painting, and fun for all. The day provided some fun (and a bit of a distraction) from homes that are abusive, homes that are often low on food, and in some cases, homes they don’t even want to return to. This is the case with one little boy who ended up stealing my heart. As I headed down to this unknown and slightly dangerous neighborhood, I prayed for God to show me something new - to open my eyes to something I had never seen before. And open my eyes he did... through a six-year-old little boy.

I met this little boy early on in the afternoon. He often hangs out at the Lazarus house just to avoid going home, which happens to be a crack house. During times where he cannot be at the Lazarus House, this little six-year-old wanders the street alone. He wears a tattered pair of shoes, which also look about two sizes too small. He rides a tiny skateboard around with no padding whatsoever. But he has the biggest heart of any six-year-old I’ve ever met. He helped me create a sign that would be used later in the evening, and it didn't take very long before he had captured my own heart. Later on in day, I was helping with "Inflatable Bowling,” and he was helping me set-up the pins after each kid had taken their turn. At one point, I said, "Thanks so much for helping me! You're awesome at this, and I couldn't have done it without you! You're such a great helper!" He simply said, "I know. It’s what I do."

That thought stuck with me the rest of the day and I can’t seem to shake it. He said, "I know, that's what I do” as if it was silly of me to have recognized his help. It was almost as if he had said, "Why WOULDN'T I be helping?" It seemed like such a no-brainer to him to be helping. Often times, I wonder why we as Christians, when it comes to reaching out to our community, serving the poor and the oppressed - don't say, "It's what I do” or “Why WOULDN'T I be helping?"

My heart was challenged by the simplicity of his statement. Without thinking, without complaining, without looking for recognition, he saw a need and he jumped in. As I tried to set up 3-foot, inflatable pins, hold kid’s ice cream, and attempt to keep some order, this little boy saw that I could use some help – and jumped in immediately, without even being asked. It was a no-brainer to him. How often is it a “no-brainer” for me when it comes to helping? It is so easy for me to create reasons why I can’t or shouldn't help. It’s too dangerous. I don’t have time. I don’t know how. What if I fail? But this six year old showed me that it should be “what I do.”

I watched as my friends Katee and Mark, the directors Ron and Donna and the rest of the interns who work at Lazarus house shared every ounce of love they had inside, and gave everything they have to these kids. I was absolutely amazed by their willingness to give, and to see them living the way God designed us to live. I walked away from my day spent outside amidst God’s creation – and spending time with God’s creations - with new eyes, and a challenge to get out of my own pew, and into the community.

[For more information on the Starving Jesus Tour, check out www.starvingjesus.com.]

hello, my name is Tory

2006-08-28T23:07:00.000-05:00

...and I'm afraid of meeting new people.

Most people wouldn't know this about me, but I'm extremely shy. I can hide it pretty well in that I am usually able to put on a smile, an outgoing nature, and carry on a fairly decent conversation... and also conceal the fact that inside, my stomach is in complete knots. I used to think that I was just shy around guys, but have learned that it's pretty much around anyone I don't know. I have no idea why I get so nervous, but I do. I try to think of intelligent things to say - nothing comes. I try to be witty - I come out sounding cheesy. But the worst is when I can't think of anything at all, and I stand there biting my lip, playing with one of my rings, or scratching my head (yes, it's an odd nervous tick that I have... it's quite funny to witness, I'm sure).

I had a conversation with a couple different people about my fear this evening... There are, of course, some pretty obvious answers as to why this problem may have formed. First of all, I would much rather communicate via writing. Ever since I was a little kid, it was more natural for me to write my thoughts down - whether it be journaling, writing letters to my parents, writing poetry, sending emails, having conversations over instant messanger, (maintaining a blog) - I have always preferred writing. This may cause a reason for my fear of face to face interaction with people I do not know very well. Other reasons may be my over analytical mind (darn it - I think too much!) or the fact that I don't like to have surface level conversations and therefore try to avoid them at all costs.

However, something struck me even harder - how much this "fear" is a hinderance. Sure, I'd love to meet the man of my dreams and get married someday. But this is not the hinderance that worries me the most - that I'll be too shy to say anything to a guy I'm interested in. What worries me the most is how I've allowed this fear to keep me from meeting my neighbors and the people in my community.

My parents started this thing last year where we have our neighbors over once a month for a soup night. The neighbors that come over are neighbors I've known since I was a little kid. Growing up, I played with their kids and so it's not so scary talking to them. There is even a family that lives next door to us that I do NOT know very well, but find it fairly easy to talk to. However, I think about all the other people in our neighborhood I do not know. And there is one house that comes to mind. It is a house that's on the opposite end of my street. There is a group of mentally challenged adults who live in that house, and they are some of the sweetest people in the world... I have seen them on walks a couple times, and have fallen in love with them from afar. I have thought to myself numerous times "I would love to go down to their house and spend time with them." I'm sure I would learn a great deal from them. But every time I think about it, I get the biggest knot in my stomach. I wonder what I will say, how will I act, what activities I will do with them, and wonder if they will like me? And because of that fear, I have yet to go down to that house and meet my neighbors.

I think about the people I meet as I walk down the streets of Chicago who ask me for money. I can remember a trip I took just recently where I took the train downtown, and then walked to the art museum. I probably came across 4 different people who had cups out, and were asking for money. I put some money in their cup, and continued on my way. It wasn't until I found myself walking alongside of a man who began telling me his story. He was missing an arm, and was out of work, and was wondering if I could help him in any way. I listened intently to his story, handed him enough money for a meal, put my hand on his shoulder, and said, "I hope this little bit helps..." and started to walk away. He said, "You're an angel, but I suppose you're going to leave me now, huh?" And I continued to walk away... As I did, tears filled my eyes. I knew all the man wanted was someone to talk to, someone to share his story with. How fearful and nervous I got when I realized I might actually have to have conversation with him. What would I say? I know nothing about being in his position... What kinds of questions would I ask him that wouldn't offend him? I had no idea what to say or do, so because of my fear, I walked away...

This is the thing that saddens me the most... That this fear - this fear of meeting new people, interacting with people I don't know, spending time with someone who is so totally different from me - is keeping me from being able to reach out to others, and in return, allowing them to reach out to me. It has kept me from volunteering my time, it has kept me from making new friends on a daily basis, it has kept me from seeing Jesus in other people, and being Jesus to them...

I just finished reading Shane Claiborne's book "The Irresistible Revolution." I've already mentioned it a ton, and I will not hesitate to recommend this book again - it's amazing. Please, pick up a copy. However, I think reading it has messed me up a bit. It has made me realize I have used this "fear" of mine as a crutch for too long, and it's time to start making some changes. It's time for me to move past this fear. The thing I need to realize is, it's ok to take baby steps. I don't need to take a huge leap, and meet everyone I come in contact with. If even I take one step each week, I must celebrate that victory - no matter how small. I have to tackle the small hills before I climb the mountain, you know? Nobody runs a 10k without running every day, slowing adding more and more distance to their route.

So with that being said, I'd like to introduce you to myself.

Hello, my name is Tory... and I'm going to conquer this fear.

hub

2006-08-26T21:43:00.000-05:00

I was at a surprise 50th birthday party tonight for one of my most favorite people in the world - Mike DeLong. Mike DeLong - lovingly still referred to as "P.Mike" used to be the senior pastor of my old church, and tonight we celebrated his 50th. I got to spend the evening with people I consider family. It was a great evening of conversation, and I realized just how much I enjoy dialogue with different people. I talked with one woman about my possibily going back to school for elementary education and about her job as a reading specialist (which is what I want to be). I talked with another woman about adoption (she and her husband are trying to adopt from China) and about my desire to one day adopt. I had conversations with different men about their places of employment (hey, a girl's gotta network when she's unemployed!) and I even had a conversation with my friend's dad about inappropriate hand gestures while driving (random, I know). But there was one conversation I found really interesting...

There were about 4 or 5 of us that got talking about blogs... Since our church split up, we've all sort of gone our seperate ways. Most of us see each other on occasion, but not nearly as often as we used to. Our blogs (well, at least the youngins who have them) function like the "news" - reporting what's going on in our lives. The thing that I found interesting, is one of my friends referred to my blog as the "hub." If you'll notice on my sidebar, under "meet and greet" I have an ever-growing list of other blogs that I read. She called it the "hub" because it includes almost all the blogs she reads on a regular basis, so she can just zip through the list and access them all via my sidebar. Some of the listed sites are family members, some of them are close friends, and some of them are friends I've never even met in real life. A few of them I met through Relevant Magazine that even though I have never met them face to face, I read their blogs and have even had extremely encouraging conversations with some of them! (Speaking of which, congratulations to Dave & Verity Sandell, and Justin & Kerry Wise who got married this month!)

But as I began to think about it a bit more, I realized how cool it is that I am able to access a wide variety of blogs... Each person has a different background, a different life story, differen passions, different talents, different everything - and I have access to some of their thoughts, some of their dreams, some of their silliness, and some of their passions. I feel so honored to have a list of people who let me in on a little bit of their life, and in turn, take the time to read some of my random thoughts as well. People from Wisconsin, from Canada, from Michigan, from Illinois, from Iowa, Indiana, Texas, Texas/Virginia/Ohio (hahaha - Jeffrey!), Minnesota, Washington, (I gotta work on finding some international blog friends!)... I have loved reading and dialoguing with each and every one of them... I have learned and been challenged so much!

As dorky as I sometimes think having a blog is, it's really a unique form of community. Not only do I get to keep up with people who I don't get to see as regularly anymore, but I also get to learn from some really cool people I don't even know in person. So to all of you who have a blog, or sometimes frequent this blog: thanks for sharing with me as we journey together.

purpose

2006-08-21T23:23:00.000-05:00

I am about to enter day 27 of my “vacation” – also known as unemployment. I realize, that’s not a very long time for a person to be unemployed – especially being in the position that I am in with not a ton of bills or responsibility hanging over my head. However, the past few weeks I have started to feel a nagging sense of purposelessness. I’m not entirely sure that’s a word, but it should be because that is how I have felt the past couple of weeks – that I have absolutely no purpose. Granted, this may be due to how I spend my time. During the first couple of weeks, I engaged in all sorts of things that I love to do – writing, drawing, painting, photography, reading, etc. As the weeks went on, I found it easier and easier to watch TV and surf the internet. The amount of time I wasted doing those things probably fueled the way I was feeling. I began to wonder why I might be feeling the way I was, and landed on the idea that it was because I don’t have a job. Yeah, that’s it – that’s the ticket! I mean, why wouldn’t someone who is not currently a part of corporate America, earning a wage, and “putting in time” feel as though they have no purpose? However, tonight I came across an image I had drawn in my journal, and began to wonder if maybe it wasn’t the lack of employment that was causing this feeling of purposelessness… but something else.

I drew the above picture about 4 months ago. I was a part of a high school event this summer where we had students identify the things that have molded them as a person – their personality, their roles in life, their passions - and then express it through a collage. We did not want them to create an image of what they look like physically, but rather a representation of who they are inside – the characteristics and passions that make them unique. As leaders, we were challenged to do the same. I didn’t create a collage (those of you who know my journaling habits will know why) but instead wrote words and phrases that captured who I am.

My words represent the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. They are things that have molded me into the person that I am today. I even drew some void spaces to represent the parts of me that are still being formed – and being transformed.

As I looked over this image tonight, I began to notice four words that stuck out the most: God, Love, Mercy, and Creativity. These are four huge areas of my life. I continued to look over the image and realized that nowhere had I written “job” or “career” or “employment.” I find it interesting that I didn’t seem to think that it was something formational to who I am. I have had good jobs over the years – really good experiences. And yet, I couldn’t help but consider what made those good experiences.

The same four words kept leaping off the page as I continued to study the drawing. I began to realize that my purpose and my identity were strongly represented by those words – God, Love, Mercy, and Creativity. God has given me purpose, and that is to love and show mercy to his children… and creativity plays a huge part in that. I was just reading in Shane Claiborne’s book “The Irresistible Revolution” about how Jesus was imaginative in how he chose to show his love and spread the gospel. These four words are at the heart of my purpose – not where I work or who I work for. These four things can exist in every location – not just a job… I can even show God’s love and mercy in creative ways without having a job or a paycheck.

I am nowhere near being able to let go of my anxiousness about not having a job, and I still struggle with placing my purpose in that. However, I’m continuing to learn that my purpose lies elsewhere. And while job hunting is a pain, at least I’m not hunting for purpose.

family

2006-08-14T22:25:00.000-05:00

Growing up, I had a very tightly knit group of friends that we referred to as "the gang." Obviously, not the most ingenious name ever created... But this group was special. I have never, and probably from this day, will never experience the kind of community I experienced with this group. There were about 15 of us, and only a few of them are pictured above. I grew up with a good portion of them - I mean, literally grew up. I have known 3 or 4 of them since probably the age of 2. The others in our group joined in about 5th or 6th grade, and even a few became a part of our group in high school. But we were so close, we were like family. I was reminiscing with my good friend Bethany (who I've known since I was 8) and her husband Jared (who I've known since I was 2) about our group of friends, and how we're hoping to have a reunion next summer with all the spouses and kids. I'm one of 4 people in our group who is still unmarried and without children, so it'll make for an interesting event. But I'm so exicted to see these people... I have such great memories of laying on a trampoline late at night during the summer, having deep conversations about everything from God to relationships. Memories of playing night games at our friend's summer home in Michigan. Camp memories, going to Mexico together, going to each others proms and banquets together, celebrating life together... My years spent with this group of people was so formational to who I am today.

My good friend Brandon also just recently wrote a post about a community we used to belong to (which is actually the reason why I wrote this post). Our community was a group of young adults, those in their early to mid 20s, called "The Gathering." This group was unique, and also formational to who I am today. I feel like I was blessed twice with two different communities to call family. The cool thing is, that's how God wired us up - to live in community. And I feel blessed that I found two different communities that I could call "family." The picture above is the young adult ministry I was a part of, as well as the high school group I volunteered with. We took a trip to Georgia to help the Habitat for Humanity Headquarters get their Global Village off the ground. The Gathering was known for spening many hours at Starbucks (for many of us, including myself, worked there) discussing everything from coffee to how we could better love our community. We had road rallies, trips to the Brownhouse Compound, nights of Xtreme Worship, The New Years Experiement, a trip to hear Rob Bell speak even though we were the odd kids out, lots and lots of Sonlife training, movie nights, Thanksgiving Dinners, Easter Breakfast (with some of the best french toast known to man!), and all sorts of other things. This built-in community was amazing - I knew I could count on them for anything...

But, like all great things, they don't last forever. I am no longer a part of either of those communities... And as hard as it is to sort of "float alone" without a community to call my own, I think it's also a really good thing because I'm starting to really learn what community is, and I'm also starting to learn to lean on God a bit more... I'm still kinda learning what that looks like. I've leaned on my friends for so long that leaning on God doesn't seem to come as naturally for me. But the relationship that has been forming lately has been so awesome. I feel as though I've been able to be really honest with God, open with him, and communicate with him in ways I haven't been able to in the past. It's interesting, and I'm curious to see where it goes. I have been without a community for about 2 years now. I have friends here and there, but not one strong community. I've just recently landed in a church I think I will be able to call home for a while, and I'm excited to see what kinds of "community" await.

Thanks to my friends Bethany, Jared, and Brandon for giving me a good trip down memory lane, and also for reminding me just how good God has been to me in the past in providing family. I can do nothing else but believe he'll provide "family" for me again in the future, and I can't wait to see who the members are!

inside

2006-08-13T23:52:00.000-05:00

From the Inside Out
Hillsong United

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine
When all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine
When all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine
When all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

I wanted to share this song with you... it moved my soul tonight as I heard it for the first time. It beautifully captures where I am
and where I want to be...

joy, part 3

2006-08-08T21:53:00.000-05:00

Quite a while back, I posted two different entries entitled "joy." Tonight, I believe I will write a list entitled "Joy - Part 3." I had a bit of a dark day today... Nothing happened to me personally, just a lot going on in my head and my heart. But, it is very easy for me to dwell in sadness... Instead, I shall share with you my joys... Some of them may be repeats from my first two lists as it's been a while since I last read over them, and some of them will just be things I'm really thankful for... Without further ado, here is my current "joys" list:

1.) Rain dances with Amelia Rabelhofer
2.) Elephants... could there be a cooler animal?
3.) Power outages... Ok, not for obscene amounts of time... but there's something so cool about sitting by candelight and playing with flashlights!
4.) Running into old friends
5.) Little kids driving the "truck" carts at the supermarket who tell me they're driving to the zoo to see the ephalants, giraffes, fishies, froggies, and dinosaurs (yes, there's a dinosaur exhibit at our zoo)
6.) Flipz White Fudge Covered Pretzels... oh yeah... rock star!
7.) Late night conversations with random people (like Jen Howver!)
8.) Good documentaries
9.) Finding a "Short Stories From The New Yorker" book on sale for $7!
10.) Little kids... man, I hope I get to be a parent some day!
11.) Used bookstores
12.) Old buildings that look like they should be a part of "The Shining"
13.) Playing the game Telephone in church (yeah, we did that)
14.) The color orange
15.) Newsboy caps
16.) Alterra Coffee by the lake - such a great place to hang out!
17.) Adjustable shower temperatures... I take showers for granted.
18.) Books by Mo Willems...look it up.
19.) Polaroid pictures... old school baby!
20.) Smiles from elderly people - love 'em when I can get 'em!
21.) The song "Dancing Generation" by Matt Redman
22.) Worship lead by Brandon Grissom
23.) The city of Chicago... does it get any cooler?
24.) Trains... Craig K - you've opened my eyes to a love for trains!
25.) Carpet squares
26.) Maniac Mansion for Nintendo - the original
27.) Resurrecting old-school Christian music
(Whiteheart "Powerhouse," baby!)
28.) Getting comments on my blog from people in different countries
29.) Choose Your Own Adventure Books
30.) The Cosby Show

Ok, that's enough for now... maybe in the next week or so, I'll put up another list. Just writing all of these gave me joy... Knowledge of and compassion for the darker things in life are needed, but there should also be a time to rejoice in the amazing things life (and God) graces us with... These are just a few.

resolution solution

2006-08-07T17:39:00.000-05:00

Last summer, I received a freelance writing internship from Relevant Magazine. Relevant is located in Florida, but offered long-distance internships for college students. I was in desperate need of 3 credits that were at a 300 level or above, and the Relevant Magazine internship seemed to come a perfect time.

I remember the first assignment I received from them: I was to write a review for their website on either a book, movie, or album of my choosing. Sweet deal! I love all three, and was excited for my first assignment. Music is probably my strongest love out of the three , and so of course, I decided to go with that option. I found myself debating for a few days about what album I wanted to review. I pondered reviewing an artist I was extremely familiar with so that I might create a well-informed, passionate review. But the fear in me suggested reviewing a new artist so that in case there was some music junkie out there who was smarter than me, they wouldn’t have much more knowledge on them than I would. Well, to play it safe, I decided to go with the second option and review a new artist. At the time, a plethora of new artists were emerging, and with the popularity of The Killers, I decided to review the band “The Bravery” – a rival band of The Killers. My first review seemed to go fairly well, and I received some decent feedback. There were even a few readers who posted the review on their blogs. My first assignment was fairly successful, and I was ready for the next one.

My second assignment, and pretty much every assignment from that point on, was to write an editorial for their website. I had a week to write the article, with no idea what it would be about. I happened to catch a conversation at school where a girl was lamenting her lack of “coolness” and how she would sell one of her ovaries to have an iPod. I found the statement intriguing and decided to write an article about sacrifice. The article was called “Ovaries for An iPod” and to this day, probably remains the best article I’ve written for Relevant (or in general, for that matter). My second story, too, turned out fairly well, and ended up in their e-newsletter. However, after that second editorial, it all started to go downhill.

My next few stories tanked with the readers. I got one bad review after the next. People were calling into question my thinking, my response to situations, and even the way I felt about things. I remember feeling really rejected, and thought that maybe I really WASN’T a writer – that I had just had a couple strokes of good luck with the first two. However, I began to realize something about my writing, and even my way of thinking… I don’t come to any resolutions. I had a couple articles where I offered insight, but the majority of my writing asked more questions than it gave answers. I didn’t have a good handle on life, and it came out in my writing.

Switching gears to present day, I am currently unemployed, and have a lot of time on my hands. I’ve been keeping myself occupied with plenty of TV and computer playing. However, I realize how quickly this will become unhealthy, and decided that I ought to be more productive with my time. I've been playing with Photoshop more (which, I suppose is still my computer, but at least it felt productive, not just reading one blog after the next), trying to improve the little bit of graphic design skills that I possess. Yesterday, I even tried my hand at painting again. Painting and I have not gotten along together in the past, but I thought I’d give it a go. It proved to actually be a lot of fun. However, I realized that I have been avoiding any sort of writing. I have written a few blog posts, but they've been pretty pathetic. I thought about the children’s book I wanted to write, the articles for Relevant I wanted to write, but more so, I thought about how I just wanted to write… to write just for the sake of writing. I have been avoiding the big knot in my stomach. Something about writing brings about a great deal of frustration, and I haven't been in the mood to figure out why… until today.

Today I decided that I would be dedicated to writing. This is actually the first time I have sat down to write in a really long time, so you’re getting the brunt of it. All apologies. This is probably the longest blog post I’ve ever written, and as you all know, I have written some crazy long ones. However, today, I decided to face my frustrations and just write… even if what I write comes out as an ugly beast.

In the process, I realized what my problem is… It goes back to when I was writing for Relevant Magazine. I don’t have any resolutions. I have a lot of questions, but not a lot of answers. I have a lot of ideas that start out great – about life, about God, and about love, but I never really get to the “nuggets of wisdom.” I don’t have a way to wrap up, and I don’t have a nice bow to place on it when I’m done. I noticed that a lot of my blog entries end with “I am still learning.” Or “I don’t know where to go from here.” I think that may be the reason I stopped writing for Relevant. I didn’t have any answers. I felt like I was doing too much searching to offer any advice on anything. Good writers present a reason for their writing, or at least have some sort of “epiphany”. At least, that’s how I’ve felt for a long time… But as I read more, and as I learn more about my style, I realize that I like unfinished, I like unpolished, and I like questions more than I like answers. Questions lead to more questions, which in my opinion, lead to more learning. Answers seems so concrete… Questions leave room for growth.

So while I haven’t come to a “resolution” solution, I think for now my solution is this: Write. Write like my life depends on it. Write continually, even if it’s painful. Write even when it’s ugly. Write even if there are more questions then there are answers. Hopefully, I’ll learn and grow from my writing. Hopefully the pain will bring healing. And hopefully somewhere within the ugliness, beauty will emerge.

itunes

2006-08-06T21:49:00.000-05:00

I have to say, I have not fully tapped the magic that is iTunes... However, iTunes is both a brilliant and frustrating thing. Just this evening, I learned about a Coldplay song I had never heard of entitled "Proof." Thanks to D.Brown, I found all sorts of new Coldplay tunes - which is awesome! But here is my problem: Too much new music coming out altogether too often. I can't keep up. EPs and LPs, singles, bonus tracks...There is so much to search and explore on iTunes. It is both a blessing and a curse for a music junkie like myself.

Thank you iTunes for providing me with a magical musicland...
and an empty wallet.

violin

2006-08-02T18:01:00.000-05:00

I am a bit of a music junkie, as many of you know. I absolutely love music - all kinds of music. I do have my moments of being picky, but slowly, I'm making my way into loving something from every genre. Polka still isn't very high on my list.

Over the past few years, I have tried my hand at a few different instruments. I started playing piano I believe around age 9, and played through my sophomore year of high school. I'm pretty rusty, but I still love to tickle the ivories whenever I'm around one. I got a guitar for my 21st birthday, and know a total of probably 10 chords. I still can't get my hand to form bar chords, but I also haven't really made a valiant attempt. I suppose I ought to keep working on that, hey? And then about 4 years ago or so, I decided to get a djembe. I was part of a young adult group at my church, and we had a couple djembes and djembe players. I started messing around with one, and got totally hooked on it! So, I purchased one and played it as a part of the worship team at church for about a year. I never really mastered it (though I did finally learn how to do decent rolls) but at least I could keep a beat, and I enjoyed banging around on it - very theraputic.

My newest love is the violin. Well, it's not really new, but more a revived love. I think movie soundtracks are what stoked this love. I remember hearing the music from Schindler's List and being totally overwhelmed with emotion. I hadn't even seen the movie - just heard the music - and I was entranced by the sadness the music conveyed. Just recently, I purchased an album by Hungarian composer Mihaly Vig (music from the films of Bela Tarr). There is one song on the album from Werckmeister Harmonies called "Valuska" (which is the theme for the main character in the film). The song is heavily carried by piano (which obviously, is my first love), but there are also harmonizing violins that make the song all the more beautifully haunting. I absolutely love this song, and the piano/violin combo are absolutely brilliant.

However, what REALLY made me dig the violin are two different people - the violinist for David Crowder's Band, and Todd Agnew's violinist. I've seen both of them perform live, and they TOTALLY get into it. It's so great. I remember hearing the song "Coming Toward" at the Passion '05 conference, and thinking "man, how cool would it be to be able to play violin!" Then, enter Todd Agnew's violin player. I could watch this guy for hours. He would get SO into it, so passionate while he played. To be honest, it looked like SOOO much fun - he was totally enjoying himself. I decided then and there, it was going on my "things to do before I die" list - learn to play the violin.

Well, as I currently do not have any cashflow coming in, right now is not the best time to look into renting a violin and lessons. However, stay tuned for further updates on the possibility of Tory learning to play violin. It may be in the works very soon.

Oh, and if you ask, I still don't know what the difference is between a violin and a viola. I WILL find out, I promise. I won't look like a dunce forever.

(image at http://www.ibiblio.org/wm/paint/auth/gris/music/violin/gris.violin.jpg)

10,000

2006-08-02T17:59:00.000-05:00

I hit 10,000 visitors today. Craziness. Thanks so much to all of you who visit my blog. I've enjoyed meeting some of you, keeping up on life with some of you, and exchanging ideas with all of you.

Thanks for sticking it out with me, and this weird thing we call the blogosphere.

beauty

2006-07-29T16:17:00.000-05:00

I find it interesting. It seems so strange to me that someone in my position – with pretty much everything in the world available at my fingertips – still has the ability to feel as though I have nothing… what a ridiculous thought and feeling.

I had an interview at the Milwaukee Rescue Mission on Thursday. As I drove down there, I realized just how easily I forget how a majority of the world lives, and what a majority of the world has to deal with on a daily basis. I grew up in the suburbs. I grew up going to church. I went to a private school. I was surrounded by friends and family who loved me. I never once had to think about where I was going to sleep, where my next meal was going to come from, or if my surroundings were even safe enough to survive in. And yet, so often that I forget these are things that plague people’s daily thoughts. While driving to my interview, I drove past people who I’m sure have some if not all of these concerns on their hearts and minds. I passed people whose clothes were not clean, who looked like it had been a while since they’d last eaten, who looked lost… And not more than 12 hours later, I had already forgotten about them. My own problems seemed more important than any of the things they may have been facing. I forgot everything I had been given, everything I take for granted…

The other day, I found the picture you see above. I searched “reaching” on Google Images, and this was one of the first things I found. Why was I searching the word “reaching?” Because that’s what I felt like. I felt like I was reaching – reaching for the things I longed for, the things I felt I deserved… I felt as though I had been dealt a raw deal, seeing no beauty in anything, and was reaching for something different. I do these kind of searches often. It’s fascinating the results I come across. It helps me to reshape my thinking. I remember once night a few months ago, feeling really really sad. So, I googled the words “sad woman.” The images I came across were amazing. Some of them made me even more sad, but also gave me a new realization – that I am so often blind to the beauty in life.

A while back, I wrote a post about a documentary I had watched about the red light district in Calcutta. I had forgotten all about that movie until just recently. So easily I forget. But it made me realize that not only am I spoiled – thinking that my life situation is as about as ugly as it can get, when in reality it pales in comparison – but I also realized that these people who have it much worse than I do are still able to see beauty in life. They are able to take joy in the smallest of riches, and they are able to see life for its possibilities, not its disappointments. I am humbled by their ability… an ability I myself am not able to claim, but am challenged to work on acquiring.

I am definitely nowhere near having it all figured out... I continue to forget this pursuit on a daily basis. I have spent the past few days wallowing in a big pile of self-pity. But every time I do an image search, every time I take a drive to a neighborhood I’ve never been to, every time I think about the rest of the world and how they view life, what seems to be wearing on my heart and mind seems small and insignificant, and I’m reminded to look for the beauty that exists.

When I write out thoughts like this, I typically try to be methodical about it. I think about what words I want to use, what words make me sound more intelligent or witty, and I revise it in hopes to make it sound as good as possible. However, that’s not what I wanted to do this time around. I felt like I wanted to share some honest writing with you – what my heart was saying right as it was saying it.

I realize this will come across fairly unpolished, and maybe a bit unfinished… It’s not often that I come to conclusions though, and maybe that’s why I like to write… I love unfinished thoughts. It means that I’m still learning. I hope that I never stop learning.

In a few hours, I’ll probably be back to forgetting about this entry, about the people I’ve seen over the past few days, and the images I’ve come across. But I wanted to write it anyway. Hopefully it’ll serve as a reminder to NOT forget. I went back to an old blog entry today, and was really challenged by some of the things I had written not that long ago. I hope this entry will do the same. On days when I feel like my life situation is at its ugliest, I want to look to those who are able to see the beauty in their surroundings.

May I too see the beauty that surrounds me.

(Image found at: www.qfund4aids.org)

change

2006-07-26T22:17:00.000-05:00

Have you ever experienced a moment in your life where you knew everything was about to change? A moment where it seems as though nothing is solid, and everything could shift at the drop of a hat?

That's the position I am in right now. I am currently unemployed. I don't have a home church. I am living at home, but hoping to move out in the near future. I don't have a significant other. I am in the processes of figuring out my next "career move." I am less than a year away from paying off my car, giving me one of two options: buy a new car that's in better shape, or try out public transportation. Lots of random things that are currently up in the air. None of these things are stable or figured out. I'm "in process" with each of these, and one if not all could change at any moment - something that is both exciting and terrifying.

I read an interesting quote tonight though that got me thinking. I'm not sure if I have it exactly right - I was only able to view it for a moment. But it read something similar to the following: "If you aren't scared, your dreams aren't big enough." What a great statement! The reason why I love it is that it allows for two things I'm really good at - dreaming big and being scared! I think it's encouraging because it is challenging to think big, dream the impossible... and yet, it is also saying that fear is a natural part of dreaming big - that if you're NOT scared, you must not be dreaming big enough.

So, I believe I'm going to incorporate this philosophy in with the rest of the stuff I've been learning over the past few days (which might I say, is a lot). As I head into the next few weeks, I choose to embrace big dreams and the fear that comes with them.

Bring it on, future. Bring it on.

(image found at http://www.sybilanntellsall.com/images/Free_Fall.JPG)

merge

2006-07-23T20:22:00.000-05:00

What an amazing and exhausting week. As most of you know, I have been working over the past few months for an organization called Sonlife Ministries. For the past two months, I have lived on their campus in Elburn, Illinois during the week, and living at home on the weekends. Basically, it has felt like I have been living out of a suitcase for two months - which is both exciting and draining at the same time. However, this past week was what all the effort was for. I just spent the past week with 450 high school students and youth workers, and it was great!

The week was called Merge - and it was a conference where students and leaders were encouraged to merge with the redemptive story of God. Now, I realize that's a mouthful. But bascially, it was all about re-learning the story of God (from the creation of the world to the church in the book of Acts) and learning to connect those stories with our own lives today. Students were challenged to see how their story connects with the stories of both the Old and New Testament, and how God is still at work in their lives today, allowing them to be a part of God's story as well. It was a new way of approaching Biblical teaching and learning, and the students seemed REALLY responsive to it. It was an awesome week of challenges, growth, and exploration. I don't think I've ever worked as hard has I did this past week, and I'm incredibly exhausted, but it was well worth it.

As I look to the future - currently unemployed and not sure what's next, I can't help but be encouraged by the things I learned this past week. I learned that I am an important part of God's story. As one student pointed out through the story of Noah, God can use one person's faith to change the world. Because of Noah's great faith in God, God spared humanity and re-populated the earth because of him. Because of one man's faith, we are all here today. What a brilliant and encouraging thought. So while I'm a little scared to step into the next few weeks, I am encouraged by one student's faith in an idea that God can use any individual to change (or in the case of Noah, recreate) the world.

I feel totally honored to have been a part of Merge, and to have taken part in the things that happened there. I was so encouarged by the students who were attending and the staff I worked alongside. I'm so unbelievably happy to be home, but I wouldn't have wanted to miss this past week for anything!

weeks

2006-07-14T23:01:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it's been roughly two weeks since I last posted a blog entry. All apologizes for my delinquent behavior!

Just so you all know, I AM alive and kicking... I've just been really caught up in the high school event I'm currently a part of. Right now, it's near 11pm, and I'm still plugging away at things we need done before the fun begins tomorrow. So know that I miss writing, and I miss posting - it's just not top priority right now.

Hopefully once this event is over and my life returns back to some form of normalcy (what is that anyway?) I will be back to posting on a regular basis.

For now, here are the updates: I have one interview coming up for a job that seems pretty rad and my resume is floating about at a graphic design firm doing some administrative/support work. So, a couple jobs possibilities to look into when I get home.

Hope you are all doing well...

Rock on, friends.

tangible

2006-07-01T22:31:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed the profound things you come across when sitting in absolute silence? I'm sitting next my window, with my computer serving as the only illumination, listening to the wind dancing about the trees in my back yard. There is something so great about listening to the sound of wind in trees... Even though you can't see the wind, you can see it's effects... Visibly, you can see tree branches waltzing with great rhythm, creating a magnificent rustling noise that is so easily identifiable. The wind is a mysterious thing... No place of origin, and no destination... and yet, everywhere present.

I've been struggling lately with the presence of God. He and I had an intense discussion yesterday about my need for tangible objects - I need to see, touch, hear, and feel things. God wired me up to be incredibly dependent upon my senses, and I use them a great deal in my process of understanding. So, our intense discussion started out something like this, "God, I know you exist - I have many good reasons to believe this. But why can't I seem to love you - the way I've heard so many talk about you. They talk with great passion, with great adoration. I've read about all the things you have done. But I have not see them, touched them, heard them, or felt them. I cannot reach out my hand for you to hold. I cannot throw my arms around you when I'm overjoyed, or crawl into your lap and cry when I am sad. People tell me that is what prayer is for... But to me, that seems like telling a man who needs food for nourishment to think about eating. I know that prayer and the study of your Word is how I'm supposed to connect with you, but God, what am I supposed to do when what I need is physicality and tangibility... How do I love you when I can't even see You?"

To some, this argument, this intense questioning of God may seem somewhat elementary. I realize these are questions that kids ask. However, if I am going to approach God in an honest manner, than I need to do just that - be honest. And my struggle with not being able to see, touch, hear, or feel God is real and genuine. So my question is, what do I do?

As I sat listening to the wind tonight, I couldn't help but wonder if that was my answer. Does it totally fill the void of not being able to have my hand held, be embraced, or have a shoulder to cry on when it comes to God? Not entirely... But it is the "tangibility" (is that a word? if not, it should be...) I have been looking for. God is similar to the wind. I cannot see the wind - it does not have an origin or a destination - and yet, I can see that it is moving. I can see and hear it's effects. While I cannot throw my arms around God, I can see his effects, his movements... If I only look.

Listening to the trees tonight, I realized that I don't often pay attention to that sound. So often, I'm engulfed by the craziness that is life, so entranced by the fast paced, "gotta keep moving" culture around me, that I don't take time to listen to things like the wind blowing through the trees. And that's when it hit me... I don't listen or look for God either. Everything in my life is commercialized - it's fast, it's flashy, and it's convenient. But how often in the Bible was God fast, flashy, and convenient? Almost never... How often was God found in the quiet? In the forgotten places? In the stillness? Almost always.

So I ought to reconsider asking quesitons like, "God, where are you?" I often think about Job when I ask questions. Poor guy. Have you ever read Job? If not, I highly suggest picking it up. Great book. But after all the most horrific things happen to him, he asks God the big "W" question - Why. And man, does God have an answer for him. Everytime I read those verses, I'm petrified of asking God questions... However, I soon forget the story of Job, and continue to ask questions such as "Ok God, where are you? SHOW UP!" When really he's whispering, "I've been here all along... you're the one who forgot to show up."

The sound of the trees remind me that I need to look, listen and reach for God... he's already extended the "tangibles." I just need to be diligent enough to go looking for them.

May the sound of the trees continue to remind me.

trying

2006-06-26T13:47:00.000-05:00

I haven't been able to write much lately. Often times, I become overwhelmed with everything that's plaguing my brain, causing me to feel somewhat paralyzed, and the only thing I can do is listen to music and continue contemplating everything in the universe.

So, I've been listening to a lot of music lately, and I can't seem to get this song out of my head. I watched a documentary on homelessness the other day that a friend of mine made, and the song "Several Ways to Die Trying" by Dashboard Confessional plays in the background. I can't seem to shake the song. For whatever reason, I've woken up multiple mornings with the song in my head, and find that while I'm in moments of silence, I can't help but hum it to myself.

For those of you who have not heard the song, here are the lyrics:

Several Ways to Die Trying - Dashboard Confessional

Pacific Sun, you should have warned us,
It gets so cold here.
And the night can freeze, before you set it on fire.
And our flares go unnoticed.
Dimminished, faded just as soon as they are fired.

We are, we are, intrigued.
We are, we are, invisible.
Oh, how we've shouted, how we've screamed,
Take notice, take interest, take me with you.

But all our fears fall on deaf ears.

Tonight, they're burning the roads
They built to lead us to the light.
And blinding our hearts
With their shining lies,
While closing our caskets cold and tight.
But I'm dying to live.

Pacific sun, you should have warned us,
These heights are dizzying,
And the climb can kill you
Long before the fall.

And our trails go unmarked
And unmapped and covered
Just as soon as they are crossed.

We are, we are, intriguing.
We are, we are, desirable.
Oh how we've shouted, how we've screamed,
Take notice, take interest, take me with you.

But all our fears fall on deaf ears.

Tonight, they're burning the roads
They built to lead us to the light.
And blinding our hearts
With their shining lies,
While closing our caskets cold and tight.
But I'm dying to live.

brothels

2006-06-22T08:11:00.000-05:00

As I wandered through Blockbuster, I scanned the "New Release" section hoping to find a good movie for the evening. I toyed with the idea of getting a cheesy flick - just for fun. For a moment I thought "Kicking and Screaming" might bring me a few laughs, but decided I'd rather go with something a little bit smarter. I passed by numerous flicks that I've been wanting to see for a while - "Syriana" and "Munich" because I was afraid they'd be a little too heavy. However, I then came across a movie entitled "Born Into Brothels." What I didn't realize until I searched for the above picture is that this film won "Best Documentary" at the Oscars. I hadn't even heard of it - just saw it sitting on the shelf, and was intrigued by the name and picture. The name made me a little nervous to begin with, but this picture, the cover picture, is what captured me.

"Born Into Brothels" is a documentary about children born in the red light district in Calcutta, and what sorts of lives they lead. A woman by the name of Zana Briski decides to live in the brothels, getting to know the women and their children. She decides to teach the children about photography, and how to see the world. She gives each one of them a camera, and then sends them out to take pictures. They bring them in, develop them, and critique them. Together, they learn to experience life and truth through the lens.

This movie was brilliant. The storyline in this film is beautiful...moving. I was taken by each of these children, specifically a young girl named Puja. The pictures they took were fantastic. Briski took the children's photos to New York and had an auction to raise money for them. She had hopes of getting them out of the brothels, and into a boarding school - their one chance to escape a life "in the line."

My heart was broken and yet inspired at the same time. This film was a beautiful depiction of seeing what lies beneath. I'm saddened by the fact that I never would have imagined such beauty existed in brothels.

If you have the opportunity to check out this movie, and you like documentaries, I highly recommend it. It's a little tough to watch in spots, but it's definitely worth it.

www.kids-with-cameras.com/calcutta

awake

2006-06-19T22:45:00.000-05:00

Today I'm reflecting on the weekend I just spent with 350 junior high students. I work for an organization called Sonlife Ministries, and they are launching two new events this summer: Awake, which is for junior high students and Merge, which is for senior high students. I could write about the vast array of thoughts that pulsed through my brain over the weekend, all the things I experienced, all the amazing people I spent time with, and all the great things that happened. But I think the greatest thing I learned this weekend is how to approach God. This weekend, I witnessed uninhibited, dancing, screaming, joyful teenagers reaching out for whatever it was God wanted to give them. As these students learned about God's love for creation throughout all of history - starting with Adam and Eve, through the creation of the church, to our present existence, and even about his love that will extend into future, I saw a sense of wonder, awe, and excitement for God and what he wants to do in the world... and it was brilliant.

These students were challenged to look at how they love the community and as well as the globe - and they took the challenge head on. I was blown away by the amounts of creativity and passion coming out of these students minds and hearts. It was humbling to see students who were so new to their faith being excited about what God could do through them. Here were 12-14 year olds, confident that God could use them. And there I sat, a 26 year old girl, ashamed I didn't have the same confidence.

This weekend provided me with many challenges and many opportunities for growth. My brain is swirling with the many different things I experienced and felt over the weekend. But I'm excited to see how things continue. I just picked up "The Irresistable Revolution" by Shane Claiborne and I can already feel my soul starting to stir. I have no idea what's next... I can only pray it's transformational.

To what's ahead...

friends

2006-06-10T22:27:00.000-05:00

You know those people... the kind of people who accept you no matter what? The kind of people who encourage your silliness, who affirm you despite all your crazy quirks, and who love you unconditionally? Those are the kinds of people I got to spend the evening with tonight...and I couldn't have enjoyed myself more.

I chose this picture of Calvin and Hobbes because I love the faces they're making. They're silly, uninhibited, and zaney. I love Calvin and Hobbes because they go on adventures together, exchange social criticism, express their creativity in a variety of ways, and have many many child-like moments.

Tonight, I got to spend time with some of my favorite people... People I have shared "Calvin and Hobbes" moments with. I've gone through a lot with these people, but they are the kind of people that no matter what curve balls life tosses our direction, we continue to be there for each other. Though weeks, even months go by, we pick up where we left off, and enjoy the company of one another.

As I looked around the room tonight, I realized these people have become like family to me. I've laughed with them, cried with them, grown with them, gotten angry with them, and experienced great joys with them... I loved being around these people tonight, people who I know if I needed anything they'd be there, and vice versa. I loved being with people who affirm me but who also challenge me... people who are silly, uninhibited and zaney... who take adventures, exchange thoughts and ideas, and express their creativity in a variety of ways.

They are my friends, they are my family, and I love them very much.

schwartzman

2006-06-03T19:59:00.000-05:00

How great is this picture... See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil... The three Js say so.

I wanted to write a post about Jason Schwartzman - an actor who is strongly becoming a favorite in my book. Recently, I have been intrigued by a few different actors (including Joseph Gordon-Levitt and David Strathairn), causing me to watch everything they've been in. However, Jason Schwartzman is one of those people that no matter how weird or lame the movie, he makes it worthwhile.

I just watched "Shopgirl" not that long ago. Now, don't get me wrong. I love Steve Martin. "Three Amigos" - still one of my favorite "fun" movies to this day. And I absolutely love Claire Danes. I was addicted (and still am) to "My So-Called Life" (and no K-Do, it was because of J.L.). Despite Claire Danes frightening way of crying on screen (see Romeo and Juliet and Brokendown Palace), I really enjoy her as an actress. But "Shopgirl" left me with something to be desired - happiness. Yes, it ends well. But the story in and of itself is kind of sad. However, Jason Schwartzman saved the movie. His character - despite how much of a moron he is - is SO great. Such a hilarious character. Maybe I'm just biased because I find Jason Schwartzman to be funny all the time - the whole two movies I've seen him in.

Yes, that's right. I've only seen him in two other movies - "I Heart Huckabees" and "Rushmore," both of which I loved. I have not seen "Bewitched," "CQ," "Simone," "Slackers," "Everything's Illuminated" nor "Spin." I'm sure there are other movies he's in that I'm missing, but I've just started to scratch the surface in finding them.

So, my movie journey continues, now seeking out the other movies in which Schartzman has graced the screen. I'll keep you posted if I come across any honorable mentions.

(Picture from www.dumb-luck.org)

geek

2006-05-31T21:53:00.000-05:00

I don't know about you, but I'm a total movie geek. I love watching all sorts of movies: from your silly Will Ferrel movies, to cheesey girl movies, to animated cartoon features, to artsy indie house flicks. However, over the past couple of years, a lot of movies have been made that I just haven't taken the time to see. When the Oscars came around this year, I had not seen one film that was nominated. That is just sad. I used to LOVE watching the Oscars, and would be rather familiar with each nominated film.

So, as I headed into the summer, I decided that I wanted to get serious about getting caught up on films. I created a list that contains nearly 60 films that I would like to watch. Trust me, this list could continue to grow. Each time I go to the movie store, I find at least one or two more to add. Despite the fact that it might take me a while to make my way through 60 films, I am determined to see them all within the next year (on top of whatever else comes out). That means 5 a month off my list. I should be able to do that!

But my list seems to keep growing. Tonight alone, I went to the store and came back with 5 more to add to the list. YIKES! However, I'm also excited to watch all the movies I have listed. Some of them are movies I should have seen, but never did. Some of them are recommendations from friends. Some of them are ones that I found in the store that I thought looked interesting.

I love films, and I love having a good knowledge of them.

In the weeks since I've finished school, I've gotten 8 films under my belt. 8 films in roughly three weeks. Not too shabby if you ask me. 8 down, 52 to go.

(photo taken from Wikipedia)

remember

2006-05-28T20:01:00.000-05:00

My dad and I were watching a Memorial Day Concert on PBS, where they went through each war and remembered the soldiers who gave their lives and those who fought in each one of our wars. As the music swelled, so did the tears in the eyes of each soldier present at the concert, each member of the audience who was there to remember, and the eyes of both my dad and I.

I can't even begin to understand war. I can't even begin to understand what it means to have the freedoms that I do. I have never lived somewhere where I DON'T have these freedoms, and so often, I take them for granted. I can get frustrated with whatever is happening in the government, I can agree or disagree with war...I can feel and think a lot of things. The truth of the matter, each of these individuals gave up their comforts, gave up their time, gave up being with their loved ones, and even gave up their lives in order to preserve my ability to think and speak my mind about such things.

Tomorrow, we wake up on a day that is set aside to remember such individuals. It is a day that I never used to take seriously. It used to be about barbeques, hanging out with family and friends, and getting a day off work. While it's great to have those things, Memorial Day has come to mean so much more to me over the past couple of years. The picture above is a picture of 3 of my friends - 3 sisters - who served in Iraq together. Two of them made it home. One of them did not.

Tomorrow, I will remember all three of them. Tomorrow, I will remember my friend Rachel who I've known and loved since I was 13 - a girl who I spent most of my adolescent years wondering and dreaming about what life would be like as an adult. A girl who has inspired the creative side of me, and who has always amazed me with her own creative gifts. Tomorrow, I will remember her sister Charity, who I have very fond memories of playing night games with, singing with, and cracking jokes with. Charity told (and probably still tells) the greatest stories that are highly animated, and extremely humorous. I remember when she first told me about her now husband, Tony. She was so ennamoured with him, convinced she would marry him, and was extremely animated while telling me about it. I have a fond memory of that moment. And tomorrow, I will remember Michelle, who gave her life serving her country. Michelle was one of those unique individuals who had a gentle spirit, an overabundance of love, and a joyful heart. I can recount many times us trying to learn to swing dance, quoting many movie lines in British accents, and being just plain silly. These three girls are my heroes, and it is them, along with the many others like them, that tomorrow, I will remember.

Thank you to all the soldiers who have served and protected us.

crazy

2006-05-25T00:40:00.000-05:00

Was the season finale of Lost crazy or what? Seriously, one of the best shows they've done. I love the fact that some of our questions were answered, and yet, 50 more were raised. There were so many elements, so many plotlines, so many emotions... The episode was so creatively charged (no pun intended).

Kudos to the Lost creators and producers for a job well done.

Brilliant.

three

2006-05-22T22:09:00.000-05:00

RAWR!

Yesterday, my dad and I only made it to one place, but it was TOTALLY worth it. Located in the middle of nowhere, in Marshfield, Wisconsin lives a couple named Clyde and Nancy… and their odd collection of metal friends at Jurustic Park.

The picture above is one of the many metal creatures Clyde has created. As we made our way through his garden of friends, Clyde approached us warning that we could only take pictures if we promised not to scare the creatures away – he didn’t want a stampede. He proceeded to give us a tour of his garden, and had quite the schtick to go with it.

He was a riot. He had names for each of his creatures, including the genus names. There were complete stories/descriptions behind the creations. It was absolutely amazing. Below are a couple more of his creations.

His wife is also an artist, but her specialty is glass and knitting. She does all sorts of blown glass – ornaments, buttons, jewelry, and critters – but also does knitting from scratch. She has a friend she buys sheep’s wool from, spins it, dies it, and knits is. She’s extremely talented, and a total sweetheart. The two of them were two of the coolest people, and I feel honored to have gotten to experience their artwork. One of the best stories we heard was one Nancy told to us. She said she had a group of 5th graders at Jurustic Park, and when they got back to school they were to draw their favorite creature and write a story about it. Clyde and Nancy received this amazing card (which they had hanging on their wall) made of some of the drawings, and the students sent them their stories which she kept in a scrap book. SO FUN! How cute! She said they were all extremely creative, and some of their drawings were amazing. She also had a poster up of drawings that a group of mentally challenged people had done that were brilliant. Some of the drawings were so good – you would have never guessed that the artist struggled mentally. My heart was so happy to see such great artwork with such awesome stories attached to them.

It was so fun to be in a place where imagination
and creativity run wild.

two

2006-05-20T22:19:00.000-05:00

We started off the morning with a six pack of beer.

Yes, you read that right. A six pack of beer. The world's largest, in fact. Located in LaCrosse is the world's largest six pack. My dad and I headed there to snag a few shots before we headed out of town. The largest six pack in the world contains 22,200 barrels of beer (688,200 gallons). It is enough to fill 7,340,796 cans and could provide one person a six pack a day for 3351 years. Below is the picture of our morning six pack.

Moving along, we headed to Galesville in hopes of finding the original Garden of Eden. Don't think it was in Wisconsin? Well, Reverend D.O. Slyke sure did. In fact, according to the book Weird Wisconsin, he made a bold statement saying that there was no way anyone could prove that this town in Trempleau County WASN'T the original Garden of Eden. Um, I will give him this... the town is definitely beautiful. But as to whether or not it was the original Garden of Eden... Well, I'm sure you know what I think about that. Below is a picture of the statue erected to honor the vision and dream of D.O. Slyke.

My dad and I got a little distracted by a picture we saw in the "Garden of Eden" pamplet we picked up at the Galesville Library. On the back of a pamphlet was a picture of this bridge that crossed a river - one of those old rickety wood & wire bridges that sways when you walk across it. Though slightly disappointed by the height of the bridge (it wasn't nearly as high above the river as we imagined) it was still a fun little side trip to our Garden of Eden stop. Below is a picture of me in the middle of the bridge, pretending that I'm about to jump over the side.

Dunn County provides a tale of it's own as well. Elk Mound is not only a memorial attributed to the dead rural postal carriers of Dunn County (it's true... that's what it's for... the only memorial of it's kind in the nation... go figure), folklore also has it that a dragon is burried beneath Elk Mound, guarding some form of hidden treasure. As we drove up the narrow road to the memorial, the sky got dark and the wind picked up, adding a great deal of "atmosphere" to the tower. In my mind, I imagined just some small stone tower... Little did I know how creepy it'd actually be. It was pretty beat up and worn down, with a fair amount of graffiti and the stairs were rusted and rickety. It was great... So, we took a whole mess of pictures. Below is a picture where you can see the whole structure.

We then headed to Minneapolis, MN (our little detour from Wisconsin) and hung out in a little district called Uptown. We ate dinner at Chino Latino where we had one of the best meals we've had in a long time. We also enjoyed a couple martinis. My dad's was so cool because it had dry ice in the bottom of it, causing it to steam and bubble. Very fun. I don't have a picture from there (they're on my dad's camera) but it'll be up on Flickr at some point in time.

Day two down. Two more days to go. Still have some cool things to see. More to come...

one

2006-05-19T22:41:00.000-05:00

A few months ago, my dad asked me if I'd want to go on a roadtrip with him. Seeing as how my dad and I had never been on a trip, and we don't really see each other that much, I thought it'd be an awesome opportunity to hang out with him. So, I agreed, and we began the process of deciding where to go.

After some consideration - consideration that included The Badlands and Niagara Falls - we decided that we didn't want to go somewhere far away and spend the majority of our time in a car. While we still wanted to do the "roadtrip" part of it, we also wanted to see some things. That's when we came up with a unique idea...

About a month ago, our next door neighbors showed us a book entitled "Weird Wisconsin." It's filled with all sorts of novelties, weird attractions, local legends and best kept secrets. We decided it might be interesting to check out some of the places listed... and so that's what we decided to do.

Today marks day one of our roadtrip. We first visited House on the Rock in Spring Green, and then we went to Glarner Stube - a restaurant located in New Glarus that is known to have the midwest's largest urinal. Next on the list was Dr. Evermore's Sculpture Park. We then landed ourselves in La Crosse for the night where we saw the World's Largest Six Pack.

I've put a few pictures below. Unfortunately, I had some problems with my camera in the transferring process... For whatever reason, there was a glitch, and I lost the last 17 pictures, including the ones from the sculpture park (which were my dad and I's favorites!) So, even though I'm incredibly bummed we lost those pictures, I figured I'd still post some other ones for your viewing pleasure.

This was taken at House on the Rock. It was a bridge-like room called "The Infinity Room." The design of it was pretty cool, and it had a stellar view.

This also was taken at House on the Rock. It's my dad and I in a mirror in the Blue Room. It turned out pretty grainy because it was extremely dark inside the room. But I still thought this was kind of a fun picture.

House on the Rock - the AMAZING carousel. It had over 20,000 lights, and not one of the figures was a horse. It was absolutely breathtaking! I've never seen anything like it. This picture isn't the one I got that I was really excited about. I lost my two favorite carousel pictures in the transfer. Stupid camera. But, this one will at least give you a feel for all the crazy colors and lights.

I decided to spare you the picture of the urinal. It was pretty gross. And, it was slightly disappointing because it's only about 4 feet tall. But, it was a great restaurant. Extremely tasty New Glaurus Spotted Cow Beer. So, I thought I'd include a picture of Glarner Stube. And I mean, with a name like that? I couldn't leave it out.

I'll put up all my pictures up on my Flickr account
within the next few days.

For now, I'm off to bed.
Busy day tomorrow on day two of the Dad & Tory roadtrip.

graduate

2006-05-16T23:51:00.000-05:00

Well friends... the time has finally arrived. This evening, I took my last undergraduate final. My career as an undergrauate student has come to a close. I'm done. Finisimo! Technically, graduation isn't until Sunday, but since I'm not going through the ceremony, I'm officially declaring myself a graduate. I can't believe that after attending multiple schools, changing my major a bunch of times, and taking roughly 2.5 years off, I am finally able to say that I am a college graduate. But I am. I'm done. I now have a degree.

And it feels good.

(photo belongs to chris2k at sxc.hu)

heysátan

2006-05-13T19:41:00.000-05:00

I thought I would post something on a bit of a lighter note. Granted, the majority of you don't really have much interest in what I'm listening to, but for the two of you who do, I would like to present you with my most recent playlist. I have acquired a bit of new music over the past few weeks. However, I find myself pulling out some old tunes as well. So this is currently what I'm listening to... And no, the title of the playlist does not read "HEY SATAN" though that's what it looks like. It's actually pronouced hey-sow-tahn (I think), which means "The Haystack." What do you expect... it's Icelandic.

Anyway, here's what's tickling my ears:

"Heysátan"

Busting Up A Starbucks - by Mike Doughty (thanks Gina!)
Everyday - by This Providence
Steady As She Goes - by The Raconteurs
Good Morning, Hypocrite - by Electric President
Eyes - by Rogue Wave
You Come and I Go - by Hotel Lights
East From West - by Denison Witmer
From the Morning - by Nick Drake
Thirty Three - by Smashing Pumpkins
The Sun of the Soul - by Trevorside
Goodnight and Go - by Imogen Heap
Calculation Theme - by Metric
I Fall Apart - by Film Dialogue
Bright As Yellow - by The Innocence Mission
Lovestruck - by Iko
Sad & Beautiful World - by Sparklehorse
The Sun & The Moon - by Mae
Auto Rock - by Mogwai
Hemipode - by Amina
Heysátan - by Sigur Ros

help

2006-05-13T09:37:00.000-05:00

The title of my post makes me think of the Beatles song "Help," and I must say, it's quite fitting in multiple ways.

Why is it that so often, I can't get my actions to match my words, or even what I am thinking about? Why is it that taking action seems so hard?

I realize I've written a lot about this lately. What can I say? I've had numerous conversations about this recently, and you can see from my blog posts throughout the past couple of months that I've really been wrestling with a lot of social issues. So bear with me as I continue to wrestle and talk through some of this. I've noticed how easy it has become to TALK about social issues - to talk about compassion - and yet, for whatever reason, not get myself to actually do anything about it.

It should not be this way.

If love, compassion, and change was what really compelled me, I wouldn't even have to think about it, right? If I am really, truly living the way Jesus wants me to, I'd like to think I wouldn't have to put forth so much effort - wouldn't it just come naturally?

I know that as humans, we have tendencies to be selfish. We have tendencies to want to be comfortable, in control, and safe. However, I know individuals who are shattering that mold. Individuals who seem to be living out what they're saying, and they seem to be doing it effortlessly. And my question is - how do I get there from where I am - where it seems it's always a conscious thing, never acting purely out of love and compassion, but rather a mixture of those with guilt. How do I get to a place where my efforts towards change come out of pure passion and effortless devotion?

Any ideas?

Is passion something you either have or don't have, or is it something you can cultivate? Is it something that the more you make an effort, the less of an effort it will become over time? I don't know... All I know is that in my brain, and in my words, I seem to be saying, "I want to help people." But what do I do on a daily basis that actually reflects that? And what are my motives for wanting to help people? To feel better about myself, or because I genuinely love and care for them?

Maybe I'm the one that needs help!

2

2006-05-11T21:40:00.000-05:00

Some of you may know that I have an immense interest in learning about personality types, gifts, birth order, etc. (there are times where I think I should have been a psychology major). A while back, a friend of my brother's sent me to a website to take what is called an Enneagram test - which is basically just a personality test. At Thanksgiving, my brother, sister-in-law, and her family got into a discussion about our results. My sister-in-law is a 7, which by nature is extremely proud of being that number. When I explained to her that my not being proud of being a 2 came from actually BEING a 2, it launched us into an even more interesting conversation.

With trying to figure out what I want to do once I finally finish school this May, I have been exploring some of these things further. What kind of a personality do I have and where would it best fit? What are my gifts? What are my passions? What sorts of things will help me? Hinder me? As I thought about all of these things, I decided to revisit the whole Enneagram thing, and found some very interesting descriptions. I thought I would share some of them with you because it's unbearably accurate, but still REALLY interesting... Well, at least to me... If it's not interesting to you... well, you can just stop reading any time your little heart desires.

Ladies and gentleman, I present to you the profile for an
Enneagram #2: The Helper
(found at www.9types.com)

Helpers are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs.

How to Get Along with Me
- Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
- Share fun times with me.
- Take an interest in my problems, though I will try to focus on yours.
- Let me know that I am important and special to you.
- Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

In Intimate Relationships
- Reassure me that I am intersting to you.
- Reassure me often that you love me.
- Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be with me.

What I Like About Being a Two
- being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
- knowing what people need and making their lives better
- being generous, caring, and warm
- being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings
- being enthusiastic and fun-loving; a good sense of humor

What's Hard About Being a Two
- not being able to say no
- having low self-esteem
- feeling drained from overdoing for others
- not doing things I like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
- criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
- being upset that others don't tune in to me as I do them
- working hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my feelings

Twos as Children Often
- are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism
- try hard to please parents by being helpful and understanding
- are outwardly compliant
- are popular or try to be popular with other children
- act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention
- are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted Twos), or quiet and shy (the more introverted Twos)

Twos as Parents
- are good listeners
- love their children unconditionally
- are warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren't)
- are often playful with their children
- wonder: "Am I doing it right?" "Am I giving enough?" "Have I caused irreparable damage?"
- can become fiercely protective

Here's the "cycle" of a 2:

Need to be loved -> help others -> loved -> Need to be loved

In the healthy state, the need to be loved induces Type Twos to help others which causes them to be loved. When Twos feel loved, the need is satisfied and a balance is reached.

In the average state, when Twos' are not helping others and are not loved, the need to be loved increases, which helps Twos to again reach out and help others. Thus the balancing loop can help Twos to recover.

Unhealthy loop controlled by Basic Fear: Fear of being unloved -> resent and manipulate others -> loved -> Fear of being unloved

In the unhealthy state, the basic fear of being unloved can cause Type Twos to feel resentful and try to manipulate others into loving them. This can cause people to love them even less, which further increases Twos' basic fear. The cycle continues to build up.

Insight:
We can see from the diagram that a way to help break the control of the basic fear is to weaken the unhealthy loop. Twos can refrain from manipulating others but start to genuinely help others. This will cause Twos to be loved, and thus reduce the fear of being unloved.

Granted, this is just one perspective, but still, this stuff fascinates me...I think I'll have to further look into this. My sister-in-law gave me a book a while back that I never got around to reading called "The Real You" which is about personality types and birth order. Now that school is almost over, I will have some more time to do a lot of the reading I've wanted to do for a while now.

Should be an interesting study.

xylo

2006-05-10T22:29:00.000-05:00

I am absolutely amazed by sound.

It is fascinating to me how people can make the most beautiful and melodius sounds from the most random things. Last night, I had the priveledge of attending my first Sigur Ros show. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Sigur Ros, they are an Icelandic band, with a sound that is very mellow, but packed with lots of stringed instruments, piano, guitar, and xylophones. For the majority of the show, the lead singer played his electric guitar with a bow, and there were a lot of pianos and keyboards, including one that sounded like a music box. The show was like nothing I had ever experienced, and every so often, I would just close my eyes, feasting on the amazing ear candy they were delivering.

However, there was a "band" that opened up for Sigur Ros, I believe by the name Amina. The picture above is from their website. Four women entered the stage in what looked slightly like Riverdance type dresses, but proceeded to blow me away with their musical abilities. The amount of instruments they played was impressive, but the types of instruments is what amazed me. There was one woman who played the saw two different ways. They had a stage filled with a plethora of stringed instruments (violins and cello), xylophones, bells, a Mac computer where they were recording live tracks and then looping/mixing them... Brilliant. I was captivated by their ability to take a bunch of random melodies, and blend them together to be unbelievably harmonius.

The concert as a whole was fantastic. My ears and eyes were joyous at the sounds and sights the concert had to offer. I can honestly say it was one of the most unique and yet most enjoyable experiences I've had in a while. Kudos to the Icelandic boys and girls.

And can I tell you how much I love the xylophone?

sporatic

2006-05-07T17:21:00.000-05:00

Wow...

It's been a really long time since I've posted. It's not that nothing is going on, it's just, well... Ok, here's the deal.

When I write on my blog, I tend to not journal (in my personal journal) as much. And when I write in my journal, I don't seem to blog as often. I'm not sure if it's just because I can't write in two places at once, or what the deal is. But this is the problem I've found myself in...

I've been journaling a lot more in my personal journal. Two reasons: One, I really love old-school journaling. There's something way more theraputic about manually writing and drawing pictures in a book than sitting behind a computer. There's something great about using a pen, and writing on an empty white paper that's just screaming to be marked up, than looking at frames and buttons, and punching in keys. The second reason is I can be brutally honest without having to be held responsible for it by the public, you know? I mean, it's kind of a scary thought to think about writing some of the stuff running through my head here on the good ole internet for anyone to read. Plus, because some of my thoughts are not solid, I didn't want to post them. Like, where I'm looking to live, work, go to church, and different things going on in my relationships. Therefore, journaling in my personal journal has just "fit" as of late because I can write what's really on my heart, instead of writing bits and pieces on here.

However, I don't want to abandon my blog. There's something so great about blogging, and the strange sort of community that comes from it. I love to blog about what I'm watching, listening to, and things I'm experiencing. You'll just have to bear with me that at this point in my life, it might be kind of sporatic.

I'm currently in Illinois as I write this, about to be a part of a conference that's going on at Sonlife. So, for the next three days I'll be pretty busy with that. Hopefully I'll get the opportunity to write some more within the next few days, but I'm not sure how crazy I'll be.

I just wanted to check in with my fellow bloggers, and let you all know that I'm alive and kicking, and that I'm not abandoning my blog... Just a little inconsistent. I hope to try harder and put more up, but only time will tell...

Thanks for stickin' with me.

migration

2006-04-24T08:13:00.001-05:00

I had this teacher in high school. My brother had him when he was in high school, I had a lot of friends who had taken his class during their junior year, and I had heard a lot of things about him. I heard he was an incredibly hard teacher, but that he was also well worth having as a teacher. He was one of those teachers who constantly challenged his students, sometimes to the point of scaring them, but his aim was to grow the student. And 95% of the time, that's exactly what he did.

As I was sharing parts of my life with a friend yesterday, I remembered a lecture my teacher gave me my senior year in high school. We were at this conference where we were each to represent some sort of organization or coalition, and discuss with other students what changes we wanted made to the constitution to further support our cause. I believe I was assigned the Sierra Club, which meant I had to do research on the Sierra Club, and find out what constitutional amendments their organization would focus on, which ones they would want to change, or what they might want to add. We were then to participate in a round table discussion with other coalitions in an effort to revise the constitution. I emphasize the word "participate" because it was vital to the assignment... And of course, I did not participate. I simply sat there, and allowed the discussion to go on around me. I knew my organization, and I had ideas... but I wasn't really devoted to the assignment, and so I just sat there and didn't participate.

I remember during lunch time, my teacher pulled my partner and I aside and gave us a stern lecture. He started out by drawing a stick figure with a circle around it. He said, "This is you... and this circle? That's your comfort zone." Then, he drew like 6 circles around the first one and said, "See these... This is where everyone else is." and went on to say something about how that's where life existed, outside of our comfort zone. He then drew multiple arrows saying, "See these... these arrows? That indicates zone migration. It means you move out of your comfort zone, and into the zone where everything is going on." He kept saying that phrase, "Zone Migration." Obviously, to this day, it has stuck with me...

The photo you see above is a random photo I thought of taking one night. My friend and I were in a goofy mood, and took all these weird black and white photos. The feet in the picture are my feet, and in light of the story I just told, I find it rather funny.

This weekend, my brain was on overdrive with many different thoughts. I had conversations with many of my close friends about everything from dating to environmentalism. I felt so unbelievably challenged in so many ways. Saturday, I participated with some friends of mine in a "river clean-up" for Earth Day. While down there, it was so crazy to see just how much garbage was plaguing one river, and the effects that it was having on the wildlife inhabiting the area. I was convinced more than ever that Christians should be leading the way in preserving the creation God has given us. I also attended a church yesterday where for the first time in a really long time, I felt like they were not only talking about being a part in their local community, but actually moving towards it. I felt like they have a genuine passion for people in their community, and it was so encouraging to my heart to know there's a church like that...

The most interesting part of the weekend was the realization I came to about myself. I realized that I have so many thoughts about what I want to see happen in the world... So often I think about issues like poverty, environmentalism, education, disease, and I THINK about how I want to see change. Notice here an emphasis on the word THINK. Like my story about the round-table discussion I was a part of in high school that demanded my participation, so does this. We will not see people's needs be met by THINKING about how to help them. We will not see the earth cleaned up, preserving animal and plant life by THINKING about how to change our habits. We will not see changes made in the education system by THINKING about how to do it. And the sick will not get any healthier or feel any more loved if we simply THINK about it. All of these things require action. They require MY action. They require me to move from the circle that says, "You are here" and move to a place of action. It requires zone migration.

These can be pretty overwhelming thoughts though... There are so many things out there that need attention, so many good organizations that need help, so many habits that need to be broken. Where to start? Well, I decided yesterday that I wanted to make 2 very specific decision as far as my habits are concerned. Instead of eliminating all of my bad habits, I would eliminate 2 - I'm going to start slow. I also decided that instead of getting gung-ho about a lot of organizations, that I would give a little bit of time here and there to a couple different causes until I find out where I'll be after graduation. Once I'm settled there, I hope to volunteer my time on a more regular basis. But for now, I will help out where I can - give to different drives going on, volunteer a couple hours of my time here or there, etc.

All I know is I have been about thoughts and words for too long... It's time for some action.